4th October, 2009
Question
My secret lover and I broke up to-day. We've been together over two years. He and I both believe we love each other, but he said he was not prepared to leave his wife and three small children right now. He never promised me he would. Is it possible, do you think, that he may miss me so much that it forces him to tell his wife that he wants a divorce?
Answer
I do understand why you're asking that question, particularly when the separation is all so new. And I'm sure it will rattle round in your head for quite some time, until things settle down. What I'm saying is that it would be silly to even attempt to fight it right now - the hope I mean. You're hoping for a phone-call. You're waiting. That's the way it is.
Let me tell you what I think. Two years of secrecy is a long time. You waited a long time. And your lover remained firm for a long time. He never wavered, never gave you any reason to think things would change. Now he's gone one step further and ended the relationship. He ran the relationship on his terms. And now he's gone one step further and ended it. I think that indicates that he won't be back. More importantly, even if he did come back, it would be solely on the old terms. He would not leave his wife. At best, you would continue to be his secret lover. Only now there would be the added dimension that he'd taught you a lesson. He can leave you.
I know it sounds old-fashioned, but truthfully, love is in the action, not just words. It doesn't matter what your lover said or believed about his feelings for you. He made it clear to you that he was not budging in terms of his marriage. Don't try, either, to see any hope in the fact that he said he couldn't leave his children. Children are a huge, and entirely legitimate reason for staying put. Their weight on the plus side of a marriage is considerable. It's also easier to talk about them, rather than saying to you that, on balance, his wife isn't that bad. Don't you see?
When the fixation on the phone has eased, start asking yourself a simple question. Aren't you worth more? Isn't it actually good, albeit painful, that this secret affair has ended? Don't you deserve a real chance at happiness?
