2nd November, 2008
Question
I'm a 39 year old man with no-one to talk to. My best friend of over twenty years is the love of my life, but I'm beginning to think she doesn't feel the same way. I've loved her since we first met and finally plucked up the courage last winter to tell her how I felt. She was initially surprised and wondered why I'd taken so long to tell her.
The truth is, she always seemed to be involved with someone else. She's been in several long-term relationships. She even planned to get married at one stage. And in the gaps between, I never seemed to manage to say how I felt. Or before I did, she had someone new.
Then, last September, another long-term relationship broke down, and having supported her through the heart-ache, I finally admitted my feelings. I was the happiest man alive when she agreed to give it a go. We are not actually living together, but share our time between our two homes and manage to be together most nights. And we have an active sex life.
During the summer I asked her to marry me and she said no, which totally stunned me. I was sure she felt the same way. She has tried to talk to me about it since, but I avoid all discussions. I'm afraid she'll say she want to end it. I've even started to think that might be seeing someone else. I've resisted the temptation to check out her mobile.
She is the love of my life. I think about her all day long. I look after her and treat her like a princess. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Should I ask her again to marry me? Or should I just continue on the way we are and hope she'll stay with me?
Answer
No, and no. Denial doesn't work. Your girlfriend wants to talk to you. You have to listen. Blocking her out won't change whatever it is she has to say.
Loving someone for 20 years is not a romantic notion. That's particularly true if a person puts his life largely on hold, as you seem to have done. It's not romantic either, to think about your girlfriend all day long - or, for that matter, to treat her like a princess. It is, of course, difficult to tell the difference between love and obsession. But a line in the sand can be drawn between them. And if you were asking me, which I know you're not, I'd say you're obsessed.
I don't know what your long-standing friend-girl was thinking when she said she'd give it a go as your girlfriend. I don't think she was wise, although I'm equally sure she wasn't being nasty. When a best friend declares his love, you don't just 'give it a go'. You move with great caution and concern.
I'm being blunt because you need to hear it. I don't know what your girlfriend wants to say to you. I do know you have to listen to her. Sit down and talk.
