14th September, 2008
QuestionI am married with four children. Both my husband and I are working professionals, and although we're caught financially like most couples these days, we are OK. My husband is such a good man. Most of my female friends are truly amazed at the amount of domestic work he does. He is also a very good-humoured man and great fun to go out with. So what's my problem?
In the 17 years we're married, he has never once paid me a compliment, or surprised me with a romantic dinner, or given me a hug as he passes me. I take regular exercise, look after my appearance, and keep myself looking the best I can. But I do crave to be cared for in a romantic way. When I try to discuss this with my husband he gets angry and says it's just not his style. The rows about this cause a lot of tension sometimes. And then I just bury my feelings by staying busy at work - until the next time.
At 48, I'm now wondering if I can continue living like this. And I'm wondering if I should seek affection elsewhere. Being a mother, of course, I would never want to upset the home, so this would invariably prevent me from straying. Am I being too needy? Should I not just be grateful for what I have and get on with it? And if I wanted romance, why did I marry this man in the first place, because he's right, he's not the romantic type and never was.
Not that I thought about it when we married. I just realised that this was a good man, who would be a great family man and who, in his own way, loves me dearly. I also knew he wouldn't hurt me the way other men had hurt me in the past.
All this is somewhat irrelevant now anyway, as we committed our lives to each other and have four wonderful children to consider. I just don't know how I can pretend this lack of attention is irrelevant to me. It's clearly bothering me enormously. So. Am I too needy?
Answer
It is never helpful to talk in terms of being 'too' needy or 'too' independent or 'too' anything. That's just a put-down, and decidedly beside the point. You're upset. That's valid. The task is to put it right.
I can't seriously believe that a 48 year old hard-working professional woman and mother of four can truly be distressed by her husband's failure to organise a romantic night out, or to buy an unexpected gift, or pay her compliments - particularly when he's a paragon in every other way. That would make you a spoiled brat, which I don't believe you are.
What you're telling me is that you feel vulnerable about your attractiveness as a woman, and badly need your husband to bolster your self-confidence. You want him to acknowledge you as a sexy and desirable woman. Sure, it's great that he's a whiz with the washing machine. You'd just prefer if he found it hard to keep his hands off you. He's a kind man, an entertaining companion, and a fantastic father. You wish he also openly and obviously wanted you as a woman. Is that it, there or thereabouts?
You have rows about it because your request for romantic attention comes across to your husband as a demand - and it's a demand he refuses to accede to. It's not that he technically can't. Anybody can train themselves to think romantically, which is really about paying due homage to a sexual partner. Your husband declines to comply for emotional reasons of his own.
There is an element of stand-off in every relationship. We say no to each other. Certainly couples can and should discuss such refusals. But not every wrinkle can be ironed out. Two people are not going to merge perfectly. Some needs, desires, wishes, preferences, simply won't be met. I think it's the individual's way of saying that he's separate. Man or woman, we have limits to how far we're prepared to please.
Or have I, perhaps, got it all wrong? Here's the question: Are you looking for validation as a woman? Is the deep unease and unhappiness you feel the result of looking to your husband for something which is actually your own responsibility, namely self-confidence? If that's the case, then you need to work on your own self-image. Sure, it's nice to be told we're gorgeous. And it's certainly OK to tell a partner that we'd like to hear it. But to get so frantic when it doesn't happen, means we're in personal trouble and need to tend to our fragile psyche.
Or have you unintentionally been talking in riddles? Are you actually telling me that your husband isn't interested in you as a woman? Is your relationship seriously short on sexual attention? Does he treat you as a dear and loved companion, full stop? Are you emotionally dying for lack of sexual love? In which case, you both need to see a good counsellor as a matter of urgency. Because either way, demands get you nowhere - except into rows.
