29th June, 2008
Question
I have a 7-month son by a married man. The affair has been going on for five years. I do believe this man loved me once and maybe even still does. Because it's possible that he feels duty bound to stay in what he has always described as a loveless marriage. He and his wife have no children. They did break up at one stage after his wife found out about our affair. At the time, he asked me to be with him, but I refused. I felt he only wanted me as a ‘fill-in' because his wife no longer wanted him. I'm also aware that the reality of the affair could be that he may never have cared for me and was only using me. Believe me, I have agonised endlessly over what the truth of our relationship might be.
The fact is, I am left alone to raise our son and I have to decide whether or not to walk away completely from this man. He is paying maintenance, a token amount, and had been visiting our son until recently, when I turned up at his door. We'd had an argument and he refused my calls, so I went to his house. From what I can gather, his wife deduced from my visit that he was still seeing me. Despite this, they are still together and he has been ignoring me ever since.
I now feel I should just walk away completely. But I still love this man. And if I'm honest, I'd like him to be part of our son's life, however small.
Answer
I seem to be saying this a lot lately: There's no future for you in this relationship - and I mean, of course, no emotional fulfilment. That's not my opinion. That's what you're telling me. Even when he seemed to think you had something going, you didn't think this man was a safe bet. And you were proven right. He and his wife got back together again.
Talking about him is missing the point. The real question is about you. Why would you settle for the indignity of having to turn up on another woman's doorstep in order to talk to your lover? Why are you even considering settling for so little, namely a married man who might occasionally say hello to his baby son? Yes, I know you've told me you love him, but that's the issue isn't it? Why would you love a man with absolutely no morals? Why are you with a man who gets a woman he doesn't love pregnant?
I don't doubt that you love this man. How could I when you've stuck with him for so long. Unfortunately we can be in deep emotional thrall to someone who is seriously damaging. They've a name for it when it's political, Stockhausen syndrome, where the captive forms a strong emotional bond with his captors, even when they do terrible things to him. What I'm saying is that your attachment to your lover is real, but comes from a broken part of your self-esteem. This relationship fuels your self-destruction. The bond is deep, but it's a bond that is bad for you.
Your task is to break the bond, by healing the hurt part of you which feeds it. And much like alcoholism, the first step is to give up the drug. Stop trying to contact your lover. And start working on your self-esteem.
