My Lover Threw Me Over

Question

I've made a right mess of my life and I need help on how to go forward. It all started four years ago when my best friend died. This man was also my wife's cousin and close family friend and left a wife and a young family after him.

I coped by throwing myself into doing all I could for my friend's wife and children. There was much sorting out to do in relation to his business. Unfortunately, this led to an affair with his wife and I fell deeply in love with her. It lasted three years and came to an abrupt end recently when I found out that she was seeing someone else. When I confronted her, she claimed that she had fallen out of love with me and was waiting for an opportunity to end "us".

This was a defining moment for both of us. She no longer depended on me, and quickly forgot about me by putting all her energy into developing this new relationship. This man promised everything that I couldn't. She introduced him to everyone in the family, including my wife, and they were all delighted that she had found love again.

My problem is that I am broken-hearted and angry at how well things have worked out for her, despite lying and cheating on me. We meet on a constant basis as we have a business connection as well as the family connection. She refuses to discuss our affair and says it is in the past. She has confessed it to her new lover, while I have no closure and am forced to carry this dark secret alone. I now feel a tremendous amount of grief, and shame, for a lost love - and am possibly suffering postponed grief for a dead friend - all in silence.

I know I have done wrong and let my wife down badly. I contemplated telling her, but feel it would do nothing to relieve my burden while it would devastate her. I have been diagnosed with depression, but none of the medication is working. My wife has been a tremendous support and loves me deeply. Ironically, this almost makes things worse. Unfortunately, while I love her, I am not in love with her. I'm still in love with my ex-lover even though I accept that the affair is over. I wish I wasn't and wish I could transfer the feelings I have for her back to my wife. How do I begin to rebuild my life?

Answer
You could begin by ditching the self-pity. Don't you know the most basic rule in life, namely that the wrong-doer doesn't get the luxury of saying he's having a hard time? And he most certainly can't feel sorry for himself. You chose to have an affair. It's gone south-ward. Tough.

And that's letting you off lightly. We could tell this story differently. You made a move on a newly widowed woman, who not only saw you as a support because you were her husband's friend, but who also depended on you for business reasons. She was vulnerable. Even if she made the first move, a kind man would have side-stepped, allowing her time to get back on her feet. A married man with any decency would definitely have backed away. It could be argued, in short, that you've broken faith with two women. Not to mention the fact that all of this is effectively happening within the family, so very definitely in your own backyard. Not nice.

There's something else you apparently don't understand. As her married lover, you had no claim on this woman at all. She didn't cheat on you. She simply found someone else. Just as you hung onto someone else, namely your wife. I'm sure she did lie to you. But you were living a lie anyway, having a secret affair with a member of your wife's family and close friend. She's been lying for three years to your wife, just as you have. Lies were the basis of your relationship. How can you whinge that she then failed to come clean on finding a new lover? And don't you see? You have absolutely no right to be angry at her. Affairs carry no commitments.

The really troubling thing is that you are so self-absorbed. Not to mention the fact that even now you're failing to take responsibility for your own actions. You say you unfortunately had an affair, as if it were entirely beyond your control. And while you mention shame, it doesn't ring true, to be brutally honest. Failing to tell your wife just sounds like self-interest, rather than true regard for her feelings. And the depression sounds a lot like angry disappointment that you can no longer have this woman on the side. I mean you clearly never intended to make an honest woman of her. Did you? So you could, therefore, logically say that you're feeling low because you can no longer cheat and lie and break your marriage vows.. Can you see, now, how no-one would feel sorry for you? And that it is entirely inappropriate that you feel sorry for yourself?

Sometimes happiness is simply a question of taking stock. And then being grateful for what life has given you. You have a loving wife, a close family circle, children perhaps although you didn't mention them, and a functioning business. You are also now rid of a woman who was a partner in crime, someone who was prepared to cheat and lie, right in the heart of a supportive family network. You're getting a second chance, an opportunity to make good. If you want to, you have the choice to become the kind of man who deserves such bounty. It's your call.

Started College But Affair Continues

Question
I am in quite a predicament and don't know who to turn to. I am 18 years old and have just started college. This involved moving to the city. I got the subject I wanted, and I have had my life planned out for some time now. At least I had it all planned out until I met this guy. He's 34 and married to a close friend. We started seeing each other quite frequently. I know it was wrong, but I had never felt the way he made me feel before. Anyway, things got pretty serious pretty quickly, so I had to stop seeing him. I missed him a lot, but I was OK. Then a couple of months later I rang him and we met up again, and this time it got more serious more quickly.

Now I've moved to the city, quite far from my home town, and I know it's best for everyone if I end the relationship and get on with my life and studies. But I can't bring myself to end it. I still see him at weekends when I go home. I know he doesn't want things to end either, so there's no point in me waiting it out to see if he will put a stop to things. He won't. His wife has no idea what is going on and I feel badly that he and I have to lie just so we can be together. I cannot tell my friends because they would not understand and I am afraid they would disapprove of me. I am stuck because I know it should end, but I can't bring myself to do it, and then be hurt. Any advice?

Answer
You are asking me how to become a better person. Or as I would prefer to put it, you are asking how you can become a kinder and more loving human being. It's not that you lack conscience, or goodness, or concern for others. You just can't quite put it into action. In failing to do so, you are above all failing yourself.

First step is to see things clearly. You wouldn't hurt yourself by ending it. Certainly you'd miss this man terribly, feel huge emotional pain, but that's different. The truth is that you're hurting yourself by being with him. You are offending your own sense of decency – not least by cheating on a woman friend – and you are allowing yourself to be treated really badly. Having a sordid little secret affair kills all self-esteem. By treating you this way your lover is showing such terrible disrespect, displaying how little he thinks of you, using you, in short, for the sake of his own pathetic ego. Where's the joy, or happiness, or dignity in that? Don't you see? He doesn't care.
Secondly, you are seriously isolating yourself. Look at what you tell me. You can't confide in your friends because yes, of course, they would disapprove of you. There is nothing in this situation anyone can approve of. You don't even approve of it. Your isolation goes further. You also have to lie to those around you, telling them you are somewhere else, or doing something else, when you go to meet him. Those kind of lies leave us terribly lonely. Apart from anything else, they invalidate our friendships, our relationships with family. Keeping a secret which necessitates deceit makes us inauthentic, sort of invisible, a kind of fraud, outside the world we live in. That does savage things to the mind and heart and spirit.
Thirdly, most affairs are found out. Trust me, it's true. You or your lover become careless. His wife gets suspicious. You get unlucky. Or one of you unconsciously wants to go public and does something silly. The world will then judge you. The pain you feel at the thought of not seeing him will grow pale in comparison to the isolation you will then experience. His wife, your friend, will feel even more pain, hurt beyond anything you can imagine. And yes, I understand. Deep down you may dream that one day the two of you will end up together, by some magical means. But will you?

Is that what you're both working towards? Is it what you want, at 18, and just starting off on the college course of your dreams? And if that is true, is this the way to go about it? Wouldn't it be more self-affirming, more dignified, more kind and loving to yourself and others to leave him now, allow him sort out his marriage and, when he has something to offer you, then come back to you?


You have a good heart. Do it justice.

I Couldn't Forgive Husband's Affair

Question

Four years ago, when I was 50, I discovered that my husband was having an affair with a woman 15 years his junior. I felt so hurt, angry, betrayed, humiliated, let down. We had been married for 25 years and I thought it was a happy marriage. We did everything together, got on well, we had fun. We had five great children, the youngest of whom was 18 when all this happened. While my husband had been saying for a few months that he didn't feel the same about our relationship, and other such vague things, I had no inkling that an affair was going on.
He eventually told me about the affair when I challenged him about being distant. The marriage was over then as far as I was concerned. I knew I could never trust him again, so he moved out, and has been living with this other woman ever since. He didn't want to try and work it out anyway. He was besotted with this woman. It cast a shadow over my whole life with him. I doubted everything. I doubted myself. What had our whole marriage been about?

I refused to talk to my husband. I just felt totally disgusted with him. We communicated only by text and email. Throughout our marriage he was always kind, loving, gentle, easy to get on with. After we split up, he defended what he did in the most callous fashion, saying that he 'just fell in love', that he felt he didn't belong in our marriage any more, that we should just move on. He also found fault with me on so many fronts. It was like it was all my doing. And because I wouldn't meet him or speak to him, he called me bitter. He allowed me no time for grief, no time to sort my head out, and showed no understanding of what he had done.

A year ago I felt able to meet him and I expected him to take charge of the situation and apologise to me for what he had done. While he had apologised in writing, I needed him to say it to me. I needed to see that he meant it. While he was very upset, the meeting didn't go as I had hoped. It didn't help me. He did say that all his earlier complaints about our marriage had been lies, and that he had had the affair because he was flattered that this woman was interested in him, it made him feel good, that he was weak and - worst of all - he said he thought it would fizzle out, and that I would never have to know about it and we could have just lived happily ever after. He also said that he wished he had never done it, that he didn't fully think it through.

One year on from that conversation and I still find it impossible to forgive my husband. To be honest, I don't want to. I don't feel bitter anymore, but I want nothing to do with him. Is this wrong?

Secondly, and far harder, my children have refused to speak to my husband since the break-up. One of them works near him and simply passes him in the street. They were very upset by what happened, it seemed totally out of character and they were gutted. They were also embarrassed by the fact that his girlfriend is so close to their age - only six years older than our eldest daughter. I have spoken to them, but they say they don't want him in their lives. Over the years I tried to get him to call to the house and see them, but he refused, on the grounds that he didn't want a confrontation. He says he constantly gave them - and still gives them - the opportunity to meet him, and says there is no more he can do. And he claims he is heartbroken about it all.

I worry about the effect this is having on the children. They are great people, have successful careers, coped well. But he is their father and they loved him so much, it must be hard for them. And I have to say that he was always a very good father, very involved in their lives - which makes the situation even more difficult to understand.

I don't know what to do, wonder even if I have a role to play. I could now cope with having to deal with my husband's presence. He used to blame me for the children's refusal to speak to him, even though I always encouraged them to do so. He has stopped blaming me. But he's still not getting to see them.

Answer
First of all, your children are adults. They will ultimately do whatever they want to do. It is their responsibility. That said, you did, of course, influence their attitude and undoubtedly still do. You didn't - and still don't - forgive your husband. That rubs off.

Children take sides. Yes, of course, they were upset, for their own sakes, when their father found a younger woman. But that upset merged with yours. Your suggestion over the years that they meet their dad in your home cut no ice. Your husband is right. It was hostile territory. Not really an option. Anyway, this move on your part faded into nothingness compared with your firmly held position that he was a monster. It certainly didn't relieve the children of their sense of shared pain, their feeling that what happened to you also happened to them. Although of course it didn't. You were cheated on. They weren't.

Forgiveness is entirely in your hands. I can't comment on that, and don't think there is any right or wrong. It's an entirely personal decision. There is, however, a difference between deciding not to forgive a husband who has wronged you, and asking the world to share your stance. Yes, I know you haven't asked your kids to shun their father. But when it comes to marital breakdown, you have to take a further step and encourage children - even grown-up ones - to separate their pain from yours. In fact you have to do that right across the social spectrum, with extended family, friends, work colleagues, neighbours - the lot. Otherwise people feel honour bound to take sides - and the scorched earth policy spreads.

It is truly terrible that your child passes a good father in the street - albeit one who cheated on his mother. And no, the fact that he has since said how sorry he is doesn't make it all OK. But surely his track record as a loving father must count for something. And surely there has to be some measure in the punishment we meet out. Like I said, everyone has to do it their way, and the children are adults. But yes, you are right, carrying around that kind of anger must be emotionally corrosive. Maybe you could talk to them again.

Married Lover Ditched Me

Question

I had a four-year affair with a married man, a familiar story. The affair developed from a friendship built on shared interests. He had no children, which matters, because I don't think I would have embarked on the affair otherwise. I was also delighted at the attention of such a charismatic and successful man. And I hadn't had a relationship for several years. I thought I could handle a fling.

We spent weekends together, went on holidays together and saw each other about three times a week. We didn't visit each others' homes. He phoned me every day, and again last thing at night. He eventually told me that he had no sexual relationship with his wife, and that while he cared about her, he didn't like or love her as she was too dependent and drank too much. We never really discussed a future. I really loved him, and loved being with him. I coped with the part-time relationship. It seemed to suit me.

After three years his wife found a text from me and he ended the relationship by phone. Later that day we met, held each other, cried, and he said he was giving his marriage another try. He looked like a whipped dog. I was devastated and became depressed to the point where I needed medication. About two months later I went to his gym, as I was in his home town on a work trip. I told him I needed a proper ending. He said he loved me, and had just panicked. We spent a night together as an ending, but he was very cold to me next day. I accepted that the relationship was over and set about rebuilding my life. I was very distressed.

Six weeks later he phoned me, we met, he said he knew his marriage would never work, but that he wanted to leave on his terms. He said he loved and missed me and that I was his future. I believed him. We resumed the relationship, even visited each other's homes, but over time the contact became less frequent. Anything I suggested wasn't doable. It quickly became clear that he would only see me during working hours, but continued to reassure me that I was the future and that he was changing his life. I broke it off several times, he pursued me. Then I got the classic call, the one where he rings before going on holiday with his wife. I had no contact with him for two weeks. Enraged and upset and frantic I eventually left a box of gifts he'd given me on his doorstep. His wife didn't see them, he was annoyed, but the relationship continued.

In a hotel in his home-town, just before Christmas, we had the final row. He had to phone his wife, was agitated, and suddenly it was as if a switch had flipped in my mind. I packed, left, and phoned his wife from the car park, telling her where he was. Some minutes later he stormed out, telling me I was a psychotic cow, and that I would never know what I had lost. He also said he'd only ever used me for sex. His wife later sent me abusive texts.

I have since tried to contact him, apologising to him on his answer-phone, but haven't heard from him. I have overwhelming urges to see him, talk to him, clear things up. I've driven by his house, but never saw him. I know I've been a fool, but still don't understand what really happened. If he didn't love me, why did he start seeing me again? What was it all about? I want to hear some explanation from him. This need to see him is getting stronger, and I'm worried I will be overwhelmed again, and just walk in on him.

Answer
You have been confronted with the reality of an affair. And it's not nice. I don't believe he was just in it for sex. He said that in rage. Affairs aren't just about sex. They are about sex in the comfort of an ongoing relationship. Otherwise men would settle for escorts.

There are, however, rules - and you broke them. To begin with, you hadn't got a part-time relationship, for that implies some kind of equality. You came second, at best. Whatever time you spent together, even if it included holidays, was always carved out of his prior commitment to his marriage, and the social ramifications of his life. The reality of that became apparent when his wife found your email. When confronted with questions from her, he dumped you. Yes, I know he later came back, saying he had panicked, but that's not the point. The point is that you were always the disposable one. That's the second rule of affairs. If the proverbial s*** hits the fan, you're history. Sorry for the coarseness, but this is an exercise in reality, and one you badly need.

Thirdly, you can never believe what a married man says. He talks about the meaninglessness of his marriage. He says they have no sex. He insists he no longer loves her. All, or none, of that may be true. The point is, he says it in an attempt to gloss over the harshness of how he treats you. It's his way of softening the truth of your togetherness - both for himself and for you. It's not that his words mean nothing. It's just that they don't mean he's going to choose you over her. He isn't. That's the reality of a mistress.

You therefore broke the most fundamental rule of all. You allowed yourself to believe you were important enough for him to make some kind of stand, for your sake, even if it were only to insist that he continue to have free time, whether his wife was on his case or not. You ignore the first principle of every affair, namely that a mistress must be invisible. Yes, I hear what you're now saying in your head as you read this. I know that when he came back after his wife found out he talked even more garbage about the future and love. But that is what it was, garbage. He was trying to have it both ways - you still in his life along with his marriage.

Think of it as a weighing scales. Now that his wife was alerted, he had less freedom. So he upped the empty chatter. The less time he had for you, the more fairy-tales he told in an attempt to keep it all together. But understand this. It was his need, not real love for you. He was being dishonest, and he knew it. If truth be told, he may also have been afraid that if he backed off, you would create a fuss. He may, in short, have been trying to humour you, not wanting any confrontation.

Your lover called you a "psychotic cow" - a brutal statement, but one you must pay attention to. He assumed you knew the rules. More, he assumed you accepted them. While he may have had soft words for you, and attempted to put the realities of life aside with presents and talk of a terrible wife, or even a future, he still believed you understood. He expected you to play the game. Yes, he needed you, but only on certain terms. He needed his marriage more. He still does. For whatever reason.

Do you understand? You are sailing dangerously close to the role of stalker. In that scenario, you will invariably be the one who is in the wrong. You will be the one who is considered 'whacko'. You will be the one who gets all the abuse - including from his wife. As an adult you're supposed to stay in touch with reality, no matter how many fairy tales anyone tells you. That's the way the world works.

You are broken-hearted and having real difficulty accepting what's happened. You need help in coming to terms with the disbelief you feel, in accepting that there is nothing, but nothing, this man can ever say which would console you, help in putting your shattered emotional life back together again. Go get that help, to-morrow.

Married Lover Won't Move Out

Question

I'm in a very weird situation. Three years ago I met a man who was perfect in every way. We hit it off almost immediately and a friendship blossomed. The catch …… both of us were married. He had an adopted son, while I had no children.

Maybe what brought us so close was the common factor of children. I always wanted to have kids, but my husband didn't, even though we were married over twelve years. Partly because of that, and partly because we were so different in our personalities, the marriage had well and truly broken down before I met this man. His story was that his wife couldn't have children, he longed for them, and forcefully adopted a small boy, very much against his wife's real wishes. Their relationship had broken down too, the only point of communication being the little boy.

We live in different cities, so we shared a long-distance relationship, meeting about twice a month. But over the two years we found we had so much in common, it was like we were soul-mates. And then I got pregnant. There was no way I was going to get rid of the baby - and he didn't want me to either. We were both elated. All through the pregnancy we dreamed of how, once the baby was born, we would separate from our spouses and build a life together. In the meantime my husband moved out. Our relationship had broken down completely.

The child is here. She is now seven months old. When my boyfriend went to tell his wife about me and the baby, she was shocked, though she had suspected he was seeing someone. She just didn't think there would be a child involved. She threatened him, saying she would move away with the adopted son and he would never be allowed to see him again, if he tried to set up home with me.

My boyfriend loves his son as much as he loves our daughter and we had hoped we would be able to integrate him into our lives, so that he didn't suffer unduly. But when my boyfriend's wife started to blackmail him about their son, my boyfriend decided to stay put for the child's sake. I know it's killing him because he really loves me and our daughter. And it's killing me, because I really love him and want our daughter to know her dad. I was even prepared to live with the fact that he stayed with his wife, as long as he played a role in our lives too. But his wife won't have any of it.

I'm not sure if we've actually broken up yet, but he is minimizing contact with me. I have been needy and clingy and calling and pleading. I decided to stop doing that, and he immediately rang me, saying he was worried about me, and that he loved me. He loves our daughter and cries because he's away from her. Yet he isn't standing up for her. And I haven't seen him in two months.

I'm not sure what my situation is, except that it's an absolute mess. I don't know whether I should just let him go, and move on myself, or whether I should try to convince him that this way he wont achieve happiness for anyone - not his wife, nor himself and certainly not for me - and both children will continue to feel the brunt of it all. I have never spoken to anyone about this.

Answer
Your degree of isolation sounds quite shocking. I mean if you've never spoken to anyone about your situation, how do you explain the presence of your baby daughter? I do sincerely hope I've got it wrong, and you only mean that you haven't explained to family and friends exactly what is going on with your lover. Either way, could I strongly suggest that you find someone to confide in. This is far too much for anyone to handle on their own. Small wonder you were needy and clingy and trying to get a response from this man. Any lone mother of a young baby is needy. Don't knock yourself for being so. Just get that support you definitely need.

I do not wish to sound harsh. But you do know, in your heart, that such support will not come from this man. Whatever the true circumstances, he's made his choice. He's staying in his marriage. More, he's refusing to take any responsibility for your child. Maybe he's crying. But he's certainly not standing up for her - just as you said. On the contrary, he's distancing himself. He has left you both. That is the awful reality.

His happiness is not your responsibility. The welfare of your child is - and of course your own well-being too. I know it's currently fashionable to argue that a child needs to know her dad. I think that depends. The amount of effort you would have to put into getting this man on-side really doesn't seem worth it. He lives in a different city, he was never part of any real social circle with you, he's staying married and he doesn't want to know. Do you really have the energy to fight against such overwhelming odds? And even if you battered him into some kind of involvement, would it be any kind of real parenting? Would he be a worthwhile dad? I don't think so.

Move on. You have a child, and a future. That's where you should put your energy. You need to build up a safe and secure social framework for the two of you, reach out for emotional support, find practical ways of combining the demands of child-rearing and money earning, and see this man for what he truly is. At best he's a fantasist, who conceived a child without any thought for the reality of his situation, namely that he had commitments to a child already. At worst he's a liar, and it suits him to argue that his wife is blackmailing him. And somewhere in-between he's a coward. That's not husband, or father material. That's a waste of time.

Sex Just For Kicks

Question

I'm a 40 year old woman with two teenage children. Not long ago I had a mid-life crisis and wanted to sleep with someone I really fancied, just to see what it was like. I fell hook line and sinker for a married man with two young children. He was really attracted to me, we slept together, and it was amazing. But he was really frightened about getting caught, so it was just that once.

When we see each other the attraction and chat and fun are all still there, but he's just too scared of losing all he has. I, on the other hand, am bored, don't fancy my husband at all, but don't want to hurt him either. He loves me and he is kind. I am also in a financial mess, which would make leaving him impossible anyway. I cry all the time. It's not about the man I slept with, it's about wondering if I can stay in a marriage where I will never fancy my husband. Or do I leave and try to meet someone I do fancy - someone who may treat me the way I probably deserve, which is badly. I'm in a panic about life.

I am attractive and can get the attention of plenty of men, but I am just so confused. I keep thinking that next week I'll know what to do and this isn't fair to anyone. My husband knows there is something wrong, and keeps telling me he loves me. He thinks I'm depressed. I truly don't want to hurt him. Will I get over the fact that I don't find him attractive, or will I have to live a lie for the rest of my life? Will I cheat again? To be totally honest, if this man I slept with had said that we could meet once a month for sex - with both our lives remaining otherwise intact - I would have done it. Where does that leave me?

Answer
I do recognise the awful imperative of sexual need. I do understand, too, the unhappy reality of not finding a husband, or wife, sexually attractive. Countless couples part company for that very reason, although many of them don't face the fact, and find other things to quarrel about, other reasons for leaving.

Psychology, however, is no substitute for conscience. I have no answer to your moral dilemma. Nor have I any professional guide to infidelity, can't give you hints on how to avoid hurting your husband, while still getting regular sex with someone else.

We can sort some things out. You haven't fallen hook line and sinker for this other man. You fancy him. Familiar, contactable and sexy, he's an obvious target. He's also married with small children, and has made it clear he wants to protect all that. Why, then, would you risk increasing the circle of misery? Isn't it bad enough that you're so unhappy yourself, without threatening another family? You are already sad about hurting your husband. Why would you want to hurt someone else's wife? You're playing with fire. Distance yourself.

We sometimes use sex to solve general unhappiness. Down-in-the-mouth, disheartened, dissatisfied, we turn to sex to give our lives the excitement we're missing, or the distraction we desire from the chore of daily existence. Sex is important. But we can also make it too important. Is that happening to you? Is your husband actually right? Are you depressed? Has sex become a bit of an obsession because you've so much else you haven't sorted out?

Start tackling the issues that confront you. Fix your financial mess. Face whatever else is driving you to distraction. That way, the confusion will clear. And you'll find the answers.

Married Lover Has New Flame

January 31st, 2010

Question
I can no longer go on. I have been having an affair with a married man for 18 years and it was great. I love him so much. Now he's getting a divorce from his wife, I thought we'd be even closer, that we'd no longer have to hide our love, and I could walk out in public with him without being scared of getting caught. Well, that's not the case.

My lover told me the other night that he has started to see someone else and that he loves her. When he said that I felt I'd been shot in the heart. The amount of pain it caused me hearing those words will haunt me forever. He said we could continue our affair, but as before. I'd be nothing but the fries on the side in his life and that kills me. He only started divorce proceedings a couple of months ago, but apparently the new girl in his life has already met his children and his parents.

I'm just at a loss. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to live anymore. I can't eat, or sleep, and each day is a huge challenge, just to get by. The worst part of all is that I had it coming to me. Because what goes around comes around. I hurt his wife, and now this new woman is hurting me. And chances are he'll do it again and again. He's 48, the same age as his wife, I'm 42, and the new girl is 30 years old. I think he's going through a mid-life crisis and that he won't stick around with his new love for very long. At least that's what I'm praying will happen.

Answer
Affairs are inherently abusive. There's the abuse of trust, a wife who doesn't know that there's someone else in her marriage, playing an active, albeit secret role. There's the abuse the cheat brings on himself, the lies he tells, the betrayal he enacts, the corrosion of his character. And then there's the total lack of dignity a mistress must accept, the role of being the 'fries on the side' as you put it. It is not a good scene, for anyone.

I don't know what stories you told yourself, but remaining a secret mistress, not just for 18 years, but from the young age of 24, must have taken some doing. You clearly had a capacity for deluding yourself. No, I'm not trying to be punitive. I think you're suffering more than enough as it is. My concern is that your suffering will bring no healing, no redemption if you like, unless you change the way you think. Basically you have to stop fooling yourself.

You're still avoiding the truth. Your lover is not having a mid-life crisis. He's met someone he wants to be with. And she didn't suddenly appear after he decided to divorce his wife. She's the reason he's prepared to divorce. He doesn't want to keep her as a secret affair. He's found someone he wants to formally, and publicly, engage with. He did for her, what he wouldn't do for you. Yes, that's hard. But until you face it, you'll never find happiness. And while I  don't know why he said that the two of you could continue as you are, what I do know is that it was an extraordinarily offensive comment. My guess - and I know this is very painful - is that he was just trying to pacify you - or drive you away with his outrageousness.

Let's forget him however. He's not the story, you are. You need to take a long look at your self-esteem. Yes, I know you loved him, but that's not the issue. If we're systematically treated with serious disrespect, then we have to leave. Accepting bad behaviour makes us feel bad about ourselves. So we have to walk away. That's the way it works. No-one is worth losing your self-respect for. No-one. Accept this relationship as a history lesson, one from which you have much to learn, questions you have to answer for yourself. Why do you think so little of yourself? What do you have to do to change your self-image? What programmed you, way back, to accept such a raw deal? That's what you have to tackle. And, of course, refuse to have any further contact, of any description, with this man. That's where dignity begins.

My Husband Of 30 Years Was Having An Affair

 3rd January, 2010

Question
This time last year I discovered that my husband of 30 years was having an affair. I was devastated. Twelve months on, we have come a long way. We are both certain that we want to spend the rest of our lives together and are willing to work hard to make this happen. Which means, of course, that I have to trust him again, as much for my sake as for his.

He travels a lot for his job and interacts with a lot of women on these trips. It's just part of the business he's in. How do I learn to stand on the doorstep and wave him off with a smile, without dying inside from fear that it might happen again?

Answer
The straight answer is that you don't ever exactly lose the fear. It's a question of lost innocence. Your husband will always have to live with the fact that he shattered your trust. And you will always have to live with the pain of knowledge. It's the price paid for infidelity.

In the best scenario, what you will be left with is wary faith, if that's not a contradiction in terms. You now know that you're not as safe as you believed yourself to be - the pain of knowledge. To stop dying of fear while you stand on that doorstep waving goodbye, what you need to do is acknowledge the subtle but powerful shift towards emotional independence that you've already made. You didn't stop loving your husband, or walk away in hopelessness.  Instead, whether you realise it or not, you drew on your own strength. You stopped basing your entire happiness on the presumption that cheating could never happen. It could. It did. And you survived, a sadder but wiser woman. Your marriage survived too. You're tougher than you could have dreamed. And more independent than you thought possible.

A proper measure of emotional independence allows faith in others, while still remembering that human beings are fallible. Would cautious faith be another awful philosophical notion? You have to believe in your husband's good intentions, his desire to do the right thing. You must trust him. Checking up on him, doubting his explanations, questioning him too closely, asking for constant reassurance - it won't work, for either of you. That, of course, you know. It just keeps the infidelity centre-stage, fatally undermining your relationship in the process, not to mention your peace of mind.

For real peace of mind, however, you must also trust yourself, have faith in your own strength, believe that you can and will weather any storm your marriage may bring you. Do you understand? Whether you like it or not, the locus of control has shifted in your relationship.  You love your husband, so he has the power to hurt you. But he has not got the power to wipe you out. He is no longer your sole comforter. You are inescapably on the road to learning how to comfort yourself.

Trust is also about accepting that we cannot control the behaviour of others. When you smilingly wave your husband goodbye, it's down to him. His behaviour is his sole responsibility, not yours. That fact can either fill you with fear, or fill you with relief. You have a choice.  Choose relief and enrich your life. Use your time to anchor yourself into family, friends, interests. Allow yourself to be joyous, happy, fulfilled. Try new things. And remember, there's a unique challenge in every blow life brings us. Check it out.

My Married Lover

4th October, 2009

Question
My secret lover and I broke up to-day. We've been together over two years. He and I both believe we love each other, but he said he was not prepared to leave his wife and three small children right now. He never promised me he would. Is it possible, do you think, that he may miss me so much that it forces him to tell his wife that he wants a divorce?

Answer
I do understand why you're asking that question, particularly when the separation is all so new. And I'm sure it will rattle round in your head for quite some time, until things settle down. What I'm saying is that it would be silly to even attempt to fight it right now - the hope I mean. You're hoping for a phone-call. You're waiting. That's the way it is.

Let me tell you what I think. Two years of secrecy is a long time. You waited a long time. And your lover remained firm for a long time. He never wavered, never gave you any reason to think things would change. Now he's gone one step further and ended the relationship. He ran the relationship on his terms. And now he's gone one step further and ended it. I think that indicates that he won't be back. More importantly, even if he did come back, it would be solely on the old terms. He would not leave his wife. At best, you would continue to be his secret lover. Only now there would be the added dimension that he'd taught you a lesson. He can leave you.

I know it sounds old-fashioned, but truthfully, love is in the action, not just words. It doesn't matter what your lover said or believed about his feelings for you. He made it clear to you that he was not budging in terms of his marriage. Don't try, either, to see any hope in the fact that he said he couldn't leave his children. Children are a huge, and entirely legitimate reason for staying put. Their weight on the plus side of a marriage is considerable. It's also easier to talk about them, rather than saying to you that, on balance, his wife isn't that bad. Don't you see?

When the fixation on the phone has eased, start asking yourself a simple question. Aren't you worth more? Isn't it actually good, albeit painful, that this secret affair has ended? Don't you deserve a real chance at happiness?

Loving Another

13th September, 2009

Question
I'm a middle-aged married woman with teenage children. Some years ago I fell in love with a younger, single, man. Nothing happened between us, but it made me face up to the fact that I do not love my husband and never really did.

I don't particularly like my husband. He can be aggressive and unreasonable at times, he is always right and he is a blamer - mostly blaming me. I put up with it because he does have good points. He is generous, but then he sees our income, house, etc. as being all his because he is the primary earner. And he is entertaining at times. Overall, I am indifferent to him and I am staying with him for the children's sake, and for convenience. I know he feels more or less the same about me. He has told me so, and said he regretted marrying me, but he is also reluctant to leave.

The problem is that I still love this other man. He is the only man I have ever loved or ever will love. And I feel certain that he loves me too. But I am aware that the reason we feel this way is because our love was thwarted. If we had had an affair it would be over now and we would both be sorry. It could not have worked for many reasons, particularly the age difference and my fear of losing him.

The pointlessness of it all is getting me down. I know that even the deepest love does not last, and I know that it is completely unreasonable of me to keep on loving this other man. I know that even in the unlikeliest scenario of us getting together on a permanent basis, we would, at best, end up in a relationship not much better than the one I'm already in. Most likely it would end up worse because of the heartbreak of disbanding a family. Despite knowing this, I can't or won't stop loving him. Reason does not prevail. I feel that I am in limbo.

Answer
Your fantasy is getting somewhat out of hand. The delicate balance between living your life and wishing for a better one has been disturbed. Dreaming, which everyone does, has taken the upper hand. In short, you're putting too much energy into the fantasy and too little energy into your marriage.

You sound somewhat cynical, because you're feeling flat. You are also somewhat overstating the case, again because you're feeling flat. In reality you are wise. Romantic love comes easily at first. After that, it has to be worked at. Loving someone is a daily exercise in restraint, reflection, kindness, gratitude and humility. Above all, it's a constant act of faith, or hope, the belief that we can make life better, make a relationship better, if we try.

You're not staying married just because you're too lazy to leave. Nor is your husband, for that matter. That's just careless conversation, a bad habit of negativity which the two of you have allowed to develop. You're staying because of the rich tapestry which is your married life. And no, I'm not knocking the dream. Faith, hope, dreams - it's all about creatively fashioning our lives. And it's not about finding a false reality. It's about choosing which aspects of reality you dwell on. Your heart is hard at the moment when it comes to your husband. Soften it. Sure, it's easy to list his shortcomings. It would be easy to list yours too. Practice listing his good points instead. Look behind the façade which is his personality and take a glimpse at his disappointments, unfulfilled ambitions, his dreams if you like. And see what you might be able to do about them.

Do you understand? We don't get desperate because we're not loved. We become desperate because we've lost the ability, or the will, or the opportunity to love someone else. This other man is the focus of your dreams precisely because your husband no longer is. That is ultimately your choice. Yes, it's much harder work to love the man beside us. You know that, which is why you have no illusions about how it might pan out with that other man. But who says hard work is not the better option?

I Love Another

29th March, 2009

Question
Like the lady who wrote recently, I too love somebody else, but am afraid to end a secure marriage. I'm in my 50's with a grown family, all of them gone and doing their own thing. My husband and I have what most other people would call a very happy marriage. He is a wonderful husband and father, just as I am a good mother and wife. But I never loved him in the way I know I should have. He, on the other hand, loves me very much and I know that if I were to leave, his world would end.

I am very much in love with another man, and have been for several years. We were friends for a long time and it grew from there. I never wanted to have an affaire as I didn't like sex and only had sex all those years in my marriage to keep my husband happy. But when I made love to this man it was so wonderful. I didn't know I could feel like this. We have lovely times together and both love each other very much. We are soul mates, in every sense of the word.

The problem is that I'm afraid to leave my secure marriage. This man is not married and has no children, but his career takes him around the world and he loves what he does. I know he would not give it up for me, but to be together he'd need to. I guess you could say that I have the best of both worlds. But I am so unhappy trying to live two lives, wanting so much to be with one man, and yet not wanting to hurt the other. My sexual relationship with my husband stopped a few years ago. I know he hopes it will come back and puts it down to the change of life. He knows nothing of this other man.

Answer
I think it may be time to ban all reference to soul mates. Using the word 'soul' makes it sound like such relationships are on another plane entirely, free from normal standards of honesty and honour, to be judged entirely differently. Yes, I do understand the feelings you have for this man are powerful. That's not the issue.

Many married couples reach an 'understanding', verbalised or otherwise, when it comes to sexual fidelity. Some men, closet gays or just not turned on, wordlessly but willingly, close their eyes to their partner's extra-marital affairs. Wives do likewise. It may not sound nice and is unquestionably compromising, but it's a contract of sorts. Then there are wives and husbands who cheat, have secret affairs, are deceitful and dishonest, and often damage the fabric of their marriages, even when they are not found out.

Maybe it's just the way you tell it, but your story touches another nerve, seems somehow in a different league again. Your husband is patiently waiting for you to return to the marital bed, generously accepting that women can have menopausal difficulties, and you're abusing his devotion. You're not just lying. You're making a fool of him. The relationship with your lover is based on the most profound disrespect for your husband. What has he ever done to deserve such cruelty?

Fear has been much maligned in our modern world. In fact we've put enormous effort into banishing it. This is based on the fundamentally flawed assumption that good behaviour is either inherent in human beings, or can be shaped by reward alone. That is not so. There is a very fine line between fear and respect. In fact you could argue that respect and fear are intrinsically entwined. And I'm not talking terror here. I'm talking consequences.

Look at your attitude to your husband. You clearly don't fear any consequences. You believe his world would end if he lost you. So you take licence with your marital commitment. Would you be so bold if you thought he might relentlessly pursue a crippling divorce if he found out?

Where is your heart? Equally importantly, where is your head? I don't understand why your lover would have to give up his career if you two were to become a couple, but I accept what you're saying as fact. Can you accept the inevitable logic of that position? Rather than rendering huge changes in his life, he's settling for having you sexually on the side. Is that respectful?

No, I don't think you have the best of both words. Far from it. I think your disrespect for your husband is mirrored by a profound disrespect for yourself. You're also neither emotionally nor intellectually honest, which leaves you stumbling through an inauthentic life. How can you say, for example, that you don't want to hurt your husband? What you mean is that you don't want to suffer yourself. Yet you are missing the loss which you have already suffered, which is lost dignity, and so damaging.

You've been knocked sideways by sexual passion - something that everyone can understand. You badly need to regain your bearings.

The decisions you make, of course, are down to you.

An Affair With A Prostitute

15th March, 2009

Question
Two years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair. That was not the worst of it. It turns out that he had become obsessed with escort sites and eventually prostitutes themselves. The woman he had the affair with was one of those prostitutes. He became a special client, not specifically paying her, but leaving little gifts on the mantelpiece, coffee table, or kitchen work-surface and, of course, trips to nice hotels, spa treatments, expensive restaurants.

I found this all out by accident. I had never checked my husband's phone or emails as I had complete trust in him. I was just doing the accounts and found a particular number kept coming up. We have been together since our early '20's. I am now 41 and my husband is two years older. We have had our ups and downs, but more good times than bad ones. We get on really well together. I was completely shocked.

To cut a long story short, after two longs years I was just beginning to trust him again. In other words, I was no longer constantly checking on him. I put his behaviour at the time down to a midlife crisis, as he'd just turned 40 when it all happened. He had also lost his mother and a much-loved sister within the same year. Shortly before Christmas, however, I noticed a change in his personality and had a very bad feeling. I asked him was he seeing this woman again, as he had promised to tell me if she contacted him again. He denied it and claimed I was just hormonal.

I started checking again. He had opened a new email account and had another mobile phone and yes, he did see her one night early in December. He claims she contacted him and he met her to say he was not interested, but he spent a couple of hours with her. He argues he did this because he felt guilty.

My husband wants me to trust him again. He says it was all entirely innocent. Only I have an ache in the pit of my stomach, which tells me I'm being fed a lot of lies. I don't know what to do. He has cancelled the phone and email accounts, but it's so easy to get new ones. And I'm too tired and depressed now to keep checking on him all the time.

How does someone begin to gain the trust again? I would like to contact this woman, but my husband says she could be nasty and not to get involved. Please help.

Answer
Trust is regularly bandied about as a catch-all concept when someone is caught with their pants down. He asks you to trust him. You ask yourself how. You're both missing the point. This situation isn't about trust. It's about intelligence.

Who would respond to a prostitute's approach, two years on, just to say no thanks? What planet does your husband think you live on? And how dare he diminish your intelligence by damning you as hormonal when you ask appropriate questions. That's just plain bullying. Unfortunately, it sounds like it's working too. You're tired and depressed, which means you've allowed yourself to sink into despair. Put bluntly, you've temporarily switched your brain off. And that's the first step towards victim status.

Switch on again. Your husband doesn't want you to stay away from this woman because she might be trouble. He's scared you'll hear the truth. Certainly, men can and do become 'special' clients for certain prostitutes. The movie Pretty Woman even made it seem romantic. Men also have affaires. And distasteful as it may sound, it sometimes suits to paint the woman scarlet. Visiting a prostitute may seem more palatable, or less threatening, if and when the wife finds out. No, such suspicions don't reflect well on your husband. But he's not exactly a knight in shining armour at the moment is he?

I'm not trying to paint your husband black. He's done a fair job at that himself. Or if you wanted to put it more kindly, and perhaps more accurately, he's being extremely silly. Whichever, your marriage, not to mention your emotional well-being, is best served by being spirited, intelligent and engaged in the real world. No, I'm not suggesting you confront this woman. It's your husband who has to clear things up, not her.

You're faced with a challenge. Drop this trust nonsense and deal with it.

I Was Unfaithful

8th March, 2009

Question
Ten years ago my husband and I hurt each other very badly. In fact it was me who first inflicted hurt. But we agreed that we loved each other and wanted to make a fresh start. Since then we've had a great time together, spending all our free time enjoying each others' company. I was very happy, although our sex life had cooled off. To be honest, this suited me fine. I just put it down to years of marriage and getting older.

Ten months ago I discovered that he had never given up the woman with whom he'd had an affair ten years back. I was numb with grief but decided not to tell our adult children, families, or friends, until I had decided what to do. However, I just could not imagine a life without him.

My husband is my life, my everything. I love him and I actually do believe him when he says he loves me. He says he's always made it clear to the other woman that it would never be more than sex and friendship. He says he was only with her because she made herself so available, and he knows he's treated her badly. He is very popular with all my friends and family and I would have found it very difficult to move forward if they all disliked him.

I did move forward, and although still very wounded, and finding it very difficult to forgive and forget, my husband and I are starting to have fun again and making plans for the future. Neither of us wants to grow old with anyone else. Slowly I'm getting my life back. I'm wiser, and have grown up a lot as a result of this experience. There is a feeling of living a lie when people speak of my husband with fondness, or talk about my good life. Yet in many ways I can carry on as if it had never happened. It's just on days when I'm tired or low, it can overwhelm me. But mostly I'm doing fine and getting better. I've never had counselling. I just couldn't get my hands on someone good.

What I need to know Patricia is what this says about me as a person. Nobody I know would feel I should stay. Have I no respect for myself, no dignity? I'm not financially independent and haven't got any qualifications, so that doesn't help. One thing I know for sure. My life would be empty without him.

Answer
Three things stand out. You don't say whether this affaire is still going on or not. So I've no idea what you're actually dealing with. Are you trying to live with the history of ten years of deceit? Or are you accommodating a third person in your marriage?

Secondly, you make a point of telling me not only that you hurt your husband, but that you did so first. I know you're trying to paint a true picture. But you're also suggesting that your husband's involvement with another woman is at least in part your fault. In some way that's not clear - since you're not explicit about what you did to hurt him - his unfaithfulness is a follow-on from your bad behaviour. That's what you feel.

Such thinking is full of pitfalls. To begin with, you didn't cause your husband's behaviour. None of us cause someone else's behaviour. They choose their response. Sure, we can put it up to a husband, mother, friend, neighbour, work colleague. In the end, however, they decide how to deal with us, no matter how challenging our behaviour might be. Say, for example, you were unfaithful first. Or did your husband down as a man. Or withdrew from sex. Provocation perhaps, but not the cause of his unfaithfulness. He had other options, like hauling you off to a marriage counsellor, or whatever.
Nor did you in any way deserve your husband's deceit, in the sense of some kind of punishment. You didn't earn his unfaithfulness. Your hurtful behaviour, whatever it was, didn't give your husband permission to seek someone else out. To put it succinctly, you did not cause, by word deed or omission, your husband's behaviour. You are not in any way, shape or form, responsible for your husband's affaire. He is.

Thirdly, you are terribly isolated. The reason isn't a failure to find good counselling, although certainly it can be difficult to discover someone who is simpatico. You chose not to. My guess is that you didn't want any challenge to your inclination to stay in your marriage. But since it doesn't matter what any counsellor thinks, your real fear was about questioning yourself too closely. The question you're putting to me now about self-espect and dignity has undoubtedly been bugging you all along.

You know I can't answer it. People make all kinds of emotional arrangements, within and outside marriage. Dignity in such matters - in fact dignity in all matters - is not handed to us by the opinions of others. Dignity and self-espect come from looking, honestly, into our own souls. I do believe you've avoided doing that in the past. You're not avoiding it now.

I feel I have to give you just one nudge. I accept that your life would be empty without your husband. But it could be even emptier with him, if the price you are paying is too great. Nobody can know that price except you. Think carefully.

Lover's Dilemma

22nd February, 2009

Question
I'm a married woman in my early fifties with four grown up children. I do not love my husband and never did. I know it is the same for him. However, we get on. We have a lovely home. I love where I live.

I am in love with another man and he loves me. But I am reluctant to leave my husband. I am afraid. I am afraid that my love for the other man, or his love for me, will fade and die. If this happens I will be devastated.

Should I choose security and companionship over insecurity and love?

Answer
What an honest question. Somewhat unpalatable, perhaps, as it puts love in perspective, but entirely truthful. You could handle the devastation of a lost love from the comfort of your home - and marriage. You're not sure you would want to, without the props. Romantic love, in other words, has its limits.

Our age is not happy facing that fact. Modern society has put sex centre-stage. We understand that as a reaction to a repressive past. But maybe now it's time to think again, and get a better balance.

You short-change yourself, and your husband, by saying you never loved each other. Sexual, or romantic love, may have been missing. But that, as you actually know, is not the whole story. If it were, you'd be gone long ago. Love is also the daily habit of dignified living. Rearing children in relative harmony, creating a civilised home you are loath to leave, building a safe and secure social and emotional and financial environment - all that is an act of love. Love isn't just about sexual longing - although that can be powerful, sometimes all-consuming. Nor is it just about the emotional intimacy of a soul partner, although that can be even more powerful than sex. Love is also about respect, responsibility, dependability, agreed goals, shared values, kindness, generosity, and the capacity to hang in there, to prevail.

I suspect, therefore, that part of your fear is about swapping a known love for an unknown one. And the question you face, I believe, is a different one. How will you handle an ongoing romantic involvement while remaining in your marriage? How will you maintain dignity if there is deceit? And even if there is no hiding, how will you retain the harmony of your marriage having introduced a stranger to that delicate mix? Will romantic love last if there is no accompanying anchor of shared responsibilities?

Staying put may bring about the very loss you fear, as romantic love languishes in the shadows, without the nurture of true togetherness, and slowly fades. Sundering a life-long togetherness will also cause grief, and invariably strain a new relationship. Risk, as you can see, abounds, no matter which way you walk.

There is nothing shameful in seeking emotional safety. On the contrary, we do it all the time, consciously or unconsciously. It is ultimately essential for our very sanity, so not to be sneezed at. The challenge of life is to decide where emotional safety truly lies. That's the question you're facing now. And it's not, ultimately, about whether love will last. It's about where you need to be in order to be truly yourself. Because that's what emotional safety is actually all about.

Living a false life is what ultimately destroys us, not the loss of love, however painful.

I'm Having An Affair At Work

1st February, 2009

Question
I have been having an affair with a colleague for six months now. We are both in our thirties. She's married with one small boy. I'm divorced with two children who live with my ex.

She tells me that she has never felt so good with anyone before and that she has fallen in love with me. I feel the same way. She almost left her husband two weeks ago. Even before we became intimate, she often complained that she didn't love her husband and that she had made a mistake marrying him. We have talked about being together, uniting our families.

To make matters worse, they have just bought a new house and are in the process of serious renovation. She is also petrified of being a lone parent. Lately she's begun to talk about compromising on what she wants, code words for saying that she's no longer sure about ending her marriage. She also told me that she's still sleeping with her husband, saying that people sometimes do it even when they don't want to.

Basically there's one part of me that wants to walk away from this, partially because we were good friends before we were lovers. We're risking that for sure. Another part of me of course just wants to be with her, because I am in love with her. I'm leaning towards the walking away option right now. But that's just because I'm currently on an extended business trip. There's every chance that once I see her again I'll be straight back into it.

I am aware of the ethical issues of having an affair, but please, I'm looking for some straight advice about what to do. Our Creator will deal with me when the day comes.

Answer
You've given me the answer yourself. This woman has no intention of leaving her husband. In fact, she may well be looking for a strategic exit strategy. It's not just about risking your friendship. She doesn't want any ripples in the work-place. For that matter, neither do you.

Affairs seldom, if ever, end on an even note. Few people are so emotionally synchronised that they both wake up one morning and hey presto, the feelings have faded, desire is done, the wanting has waned, simultaneously. Someone usually gets hurt - even in the reasonably good scenario where husbands or wives have no clue. In this instance, it's going to be you who feels the pain. So much is clear.

I have no idea if your woman friend will suffer too. My guess is that you have no idea either. What did she ever want out of the affair anyway? Do you even know that? You wanted a life with her. And yes, she's talked about loving you, participated in conversations about uniting your families, but what has she done, in concrete terms, to make any of that possible? What ties has she torn in the complex web which is every marriage? None. And now she's even changed the tone of her talk.

You do know you need to exit this relationship. No, I'm not straying onto the Creator's patch. I'm simply relaying back to you the reality you've put to me. And no, there's no easy route. It's going to hurt, a lot, for quite a while. And then it won't hurt anymore. You already know that too. You've been through a divorce. Falling out of love is possible. It just takes time.

I'm Attempting To End An Affair With A Married Man

30th November, 2008

Question

I'm attempting to end a three-year affair with a married man. He is a wonderful gentle man. However, he has no nerve when it comes to her. She accidentally met me some time ago and physically assaulted me. He thinks he defended me. But he only stepped in between us to stop her assaulting me again. She then became all coy with him. My lover, for his part, was very nonchalant and macho, took control, and walked me out. He then remained with his wife and allowed her to act possessively, putting on airs.

He now blames his lack of divorce on my actions that day. He had asked me not to make an appearance. He had also warned me that she would be there. I asked him to tell her to stay away. He didn't stand up to her. She already knew a little about us, but did not know the extent of the relationship.

I was successful in breaking off all contact for several months after this incident but then saw my lover again. He told me he had tried again with his wife, hoping it would be better, but said that it hadn't worked and that there was now nothing left in his marriage. Yet he chooses to stay. He is too afraid to take the first step and ask for a divorce. She is evil and vindictive and I am afraid of her too. That is reason enough to stay away from him.

For the past six months we haven't really had a physical relationship, except for a couple of slip-ups, one of which happened only last week. Of course that set me hoping again that he would feel empowered to make a move towards divorce. But no, he's too confused and wishy-washy.

I feel so alone. My life is complicated right now and I felt an immense amount of comfort and love in this relationship, despite my lover's married status. I miss that. I know I may have used this affair for convenience, but I really do love him and thought we would be married by now.

I know better than to have an affair. How do I let go of the dream we shared? I am attractive, intelligent, educated and have a busy and fulfilling career. Yet my self-esteem is steadily slipping. How do I ditch hope?
Answer
What's with this notion of gentleness that seems to be creeping into our conversations, and worse, into our consciousness? Your lover doesn't sound gentle to me. He sounds gutless. Being gentle isn't about dodging. It isn't about creating havoc and then staying quiet. It isn't about having a mistress, failing to tell the wife, and then escorting one of them from the room when they end up in a dog-fight. To be truly gentle, you need the steeliness of a clear mind and a strong character. Gentle people aren't wishy washy, which is your description of him, not mine. They are kind in their clarity and firmness of conviction.
Your lover's wife didn't meet you accidentally either. You turned up at some event where you knew she would be. Your lover had warned you. In other words, you broke the rules. Mistresses are supposed to stay hidden. At least, that is, until the man decides whether he's leaving his wife or not. That's the whole indignity of the role. You don't get to determine what's happening. You wait in the wings.
What a manipulator this man is. You create a scene. He then has the perfect excuse for backing out. He blames you. If only you hadn't made your presence felt, he would have told his wife and walked off with you into the sunset. And this is a man you describe as ‘gentle'? Don't you see? You didn't share a dream. He wanted a mistress. You wanted a man to marry. There was no meeting of minds. In this relationship you were always on your own.
This isn't about ditching hope. It's about waking up to the truth. He wasn't ever there. You didn't share the same reality. Go looking for someone who is in a position to treat your properly. And then make sure he does. In short, learn to value yourself. Allowing this man into your life only highlights the fact that you were short on self-esteem before the affair ever started. Do something about that.

Is It Possible To Love Two Women?

14th September, 2008


Question
I'm a man in my early fifties, a typical regular guy to most people who know me. I married my first girl-friend over 30 years ago and we have four adult children. Our marriage was blessed with love, happiness and devotion, harsh words being an extreme rarity. And we have a good life-style, having prospered and developed personally over the years. I still love my wife very much and my feelings for her have never diminished in any way. We have provided for each other and our children over the years and never wanted for anything.

Two years ago, while abroad on business, I met this woman in a café. There was no pretence. After a long evening she knew all there was to know about me and vice versa. Her age and background were similar to mine and she was divorced. She is a professional, financially independent and private woman, who instantly appealed to me. We kept in touch and I fell deeply in love with her. Eventually we spent some weekends together and had a full relationship, in every sense of the word.

She genuinely felt very bad and guilty about the circumstances, as did I. We talked about them at great length and I finally decided to end the relationship. She was heartbroken, but fully understood and supported my decision. She was as concerned about my wife as I was, and the devastation that could arise. Since my decision to end this relationship, I have lived the perfect life, devoting myself to my wife and looking after all around me.

With the benefit of hindsight, I was naïve and foolish to lead this woman into believing we had a future together. That I mislead her is the greatest regret I have. I still have deep genuine love for her, despite being happily married. It is a contradiction that I find hard to come to terms with. Is it possible to love two women? She still remains very central to my daily thoughts. I feel confused.

Answer
There is a subtle but pervasive lack of contrition in your story as you tell it. There's also a quite powerful lack of personal responsibility. You were not naïve and foolish to lead this woman on. You made the clear choice to be selfish and dishonourable. You also wronged your wife. And no, I'm not just thinking of the sexy weekends, or what you coyly refer to as your 'full relationship' with this woman. The real betrayal was to discuss your marriage with another woman, or chat about the 'circumstances' as you put it.

But what's really missing in what you've told me is any sense of personal pain. There you are, the regular guy to all around you, with this secret love-affair tucked in your back pocket, still puzzling you. Well, let me deconstruct the puzzle. You got itchy feet and wandered. You didn't love this other woman. You fancied her. And now she's not an unhappy memory. She's a notch on your bedpost. Far from regretting anything, you're engaging in the sentimental self-indulgence of constantly re-running the film.

Certainly we are all fallible. The difference is that the real 'regular' guys have a conscience. That means they turn their back on temptation. Or if they stray, they feel real guilt and pain as they look at the wife they have betrayed, and might well have lost. You have some serious catching up to do in the conscience stakes. Get started.

Sleeping With The Enemy

13th July, 2008


Question
I have sex with men in the hope that they'll like me, fall in love with me, and want to marry me. I absolutely know how incredibly stupid this is, but sadly it's the truth. I know it's a pattern of behaviour that makes me feel bad about myself, makes me hate myself, and makes me feel ashamed and insecure. But I still do it. I seem to lurch from one disastrous relationship to another - if you could even call them relationships.

I suppose that I think sleeping with someone will make me feel secure, like someone wants me and finds me attractive - at least while we're together. So I go from one man to another where I feel cheap and used. I suppose I think I'm too worthless to actually deserve to be in a full relationship. Even when it becomes clear that I'm only being used for sex, such as when a 'boyfriend' only calls me in the middle of the night, but never wants to spend time with me otherwise, I go along with it. Even when I know they don't want to be seen with me in public, when they lie to me, and I know it's happening, I choose to pretend it's not so.

I know I sound sorry for myself. I know my problems are caused by my own stupidity. I just don't want to be stuck in this rut forever.

Answer
It's sobering, isn't it, that knowledge and insight can so miserably fail to stop us doing damaging things. You see that you're engaged in behaviour which is bad for you. You understand that it's your low self-esteem which drives you. You know, too, that you need to stop. But you don't. That's because human behaviour is not just governed by our intellect. It is driven by the powerful demands of emotion.

Perhaps even more importantly, we're programmed in early childhood to behave - to think, feel and experience the world - in a particular way. Or if you don't like that notion - not least because it smacks of victim-hood, and denies the enormity of human ingenuity and endeavour - we choose methods of psychological survival when we're small, in order to feel safe. A simple example: A young child is totally dependent for his very survival on his mother. Isn't it better, then, for him to feel he's bad, or deserving of punishment, rather than to acknowledge that his mother might be mistaken, arbitrary in her behaviour, unreliable, or even seriously malicious towards him?

Put plainly, you've learned to punish yourself, as a means of self-preservation, even if we've no idea right now why that should be so. And currently you're continuing to beat yourself up by entering abusive sexual relationships. You're not stupid. You're dancing to an old tune.

Change feels very chancy. Your instincts all tell you to stick with the way you are, despite the fact that your mind says you're stupid. Which is why all therapy involves an act of faith. If, as a therapist, I help anyone heal, it's because I've managed to create conditions for them to literally jump off the end of a cliff - and trust that they will survive. And that jump, that leap of faith, is about believing that you're worth more, and that it is psychologically safe to do things differently.

You'll change only when you're prepared to leave the comfort zone of familiarity, which is about self-abuse, and enter the uncharted waters of treating yourself with respect. Would you consider getting the help you need to take that leap of faith?

I've A Baby Son By A Married Man

29th June, 2008

Question
I have a 7-month son by a married man. The affair has been going on for five years. I do believe this man loved me once and maybe even still does. Because it's possible that he feels duty bound to stay in what he has always described as a loveless marriage. He and his wife have no children. They did break up at one stage after his wife found out about our affair. At the time, he asked me to be with him, but I refused. I felt he only wanted me as a ‘fill-in' because his wife no longer wanted him.  I'm also aware that the reality of the affair could be that he may never have cared for me and was only using me. Believe me, I have agonised endlessly over what the truth of our relationship might be.

The fact is, I am left alone to raise our son and I have to decide whether or not to walk away completely from this man. He is paying maintenance, a token amount, and had been visiting our son until recently, when I turned up at his door. We'd had an argument and he refused my calls, so I went to his house. From what I can gather, his wife deduced from my visit that he was still seeing me. Despite this, they are still together and he has been ignoring me ever since.

I now feel I should just walk away completely. But I still love this man. And if I'm honest, I'd like him to be part of our son's life, however small.

Answer
I seem to be saying this a lot lately: There's no future for you in this relationship - and I mean, of course, no emotional fulfilment. That's not my opinion. That's what you're telling me. Even when he seemed to think you had something going, you didn't think this man was a safe bet. And you were proven right. He and his wife got back together again.

Talking about him is missing the point. The real question is about you. Why would you settle for the indignity of having to turn up on another woman's doorstep in order to talk to your lover? Why are you even considering settling for so little, namely a married man who might occasionally say hello to his baby son? Yes, I know you've told me you love him, but that's the issue isn't it? Why would you love a man with absolutely no morals? Why are you with a man who gets a woman he doesn't love pregnant?

I don't doubt that you love this man. How could I when you've stuck with him for so long. Unfortunately we can be in deep emotional thrall to someone who is seriously damaging. They've a name for it when it's political, Stockhausen syndrome, where the captive forms a strong emotional bond with his captors, even when they do terrible things to him. What I'm saying is that your attachment to your lover is real, but comes from a broken part of your self-esteem. This relationship fuels your self-destruction. The bond is deep, but it's a bond that is bad for you.

Your task is to break the bond, by healing the hurt part of you which feeds it. And much like alcoholism, the first step is to give up the drug. Stop trying to contact your lover. And start working on your self-esteem.

Is My Affair Going Anywhere?

1st June 2008


Question
I am a single 34 year-old woman and am having an affair with a 41 year old man, who is married with two children. We have been discussing a potential future together and he is aware that I will not have a long-term affair with him. I want to get married and have children of my own.

Naturally he has to consider the impact of a divorce on his children and I would make it my first priority to support his full involvement as a father, and hope to develop a good relationship with them myself as a step-parent. However, despite all his wonderful qualities, I can't list 'courage' as one near the top when it comes to describing him.

What is the likelihood of this actually working out for me? We both believe we are falling in love with one another, but he wasn't actually unhappy at home when we met. He's married 12 years and  cares for his wife, they don't fight, and she's a good mother to their children. Perhaps they just married for convenience rather than because they were in love with one another. I'm sure there is love between them, but perhaps not the close intimacy and sharing of hopes and fears and all the wonderful things that being in love brings.

Answer
You're just barely hanging onto reality by your finger-nails. Hold fast, and look at what you're telling me. A total cad with two small kids is colluding with you in a fairy-tale. He's allowing all your imaginings because he likes the sex, or the attention, or the thrill of being a thoroughly nasty piece of goods.

This man isn't lacking in courage. He's lacking in moral fibre. No, that's not a knee-jerk, judgmental and injudicious response to the fact that he's being unfaithful. It's a truthful description of the man who's ruthlessly using you. He knows you want the whole package, love kids and commitment. So he allows you  sufficient scope to indulge in your dream - and for what? So that he can go on basking in your adoration? And that's putting a positive spin on it. If he hated you, he couldn't be doing it any better, wasting your precious time. Put plainly, he has now intention of leaving his marriage.

I'm sorry to sound so blunt. I can't see any other way of telling you. So to answer your question, I think the likelihood of this working out for you is zilch, zero, non-existent. Get out would be my advice, now.