Question
I am in a very complicated situation with my boss who is a married man. I'm 35 years old and have known him since my late teens as he's a family friend. He's over 20 years older than I am. He has always supported me in my working career - although I only started working in his company 18 months ago. And I do know he made the job offer for genuine reasons of friendship. There had always been a connection between us and I was attracted to him when I was younger, but thought I'd got over it. I was very wrong.
From the time I took up the job I found myself thinking about him all the time. Every time he sent me an email it would make me feel happy. I wanted to see him more and more and started to develop this fantasy world with him and me. At the Christmas Party we had a rather drunken but deep and meaningful conversation at the bar. The following Monday he emailed me inviting me out to lunch. He then confessed that he had always liked me, even when I was younger. He then asked to see me romantically and of course I said yes. Lots of lunch breaks, weekend meetings and yes, of course, intimate times too, have followed. Despite all this we really are still good friends, although you may find this hard to believe.
The strange thing is that he has always maintained that he is happy at home and will not leave his wife. So I know I was a fool to start this in the first place. But he is charming, clever and funny. The problem is that I now want more and the nicer he is, the more I want. Sometimes at weekends, when I know I won't be seeing him, my heart breaks. And even though I feel confident he has feelings for me, I do not think that it has the same impact on him as it does on me. I tried to break it off a month ago and he managed to talk me out of it.
The other thing I should say is that I am in a relationship with someone. We have lived together for nearly 10 years, but no longer sleep together. I know the answer is to leave them both, but I just don't know how. I am head over heels in love with my boss and love the job he's put me in. How the hell do I get out of this?
Answer
Your situation is certainly painful, but no, it is not complicated. You are in love with someone you can't have. He's married, does not want to leave his wife, and has made that quite clear. Of course you're right. The affaire doesn't impact on him the way it does on you. How could it? He's just having a bit on the side, to use that vulgar expression. Isn't he? Isn't that what he's saying, really? The solution is simple. You are going to have to end it. Believe me. Otherwise you'll start asking for more, directly or indirectly, and that will get very messy, not least because he won't like it. And if you can't handle a clean break while still working with him, then you're going to have to leave the job.
In terms of your live-in boyfriend, there are two possibilities. Either it was over long ago and living with him is just compromising your chances of meeting someone else, not to mention leaving you vulnerable emotionally because so much is unresolved. Or else the relationship has suffered because you're putting your energy into chasing rainbows and having an affaire. End the affair first. Make whatever decision you need to make in terms of the job. And then tackle the boyfriend.
Showing posts with label Work / Stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work / Stress. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
New Boss Is Causing Havoc
Question
For the last 12 years I have been working in a very demanding but challenging job that thankfully the recession has not hit. If anything, the recession has provided the company with opportunities for growth. During this time I have had two children, so on the outside life is good, hectic and busy but I count my blessings every day, as the children are wonderful and bring such joy.
The problem is my job. Up to last year I was lucky to work for people who were hugely appreciative of team effort. I learned a lot and enjoyed a great work/life balance. Then my present boss arrived. I can acknowledge that this individual has great vision and has implemented changes that are necessary for the company to continue expanding. It's his attitude that makes life miserable. He is an aggressive person and extremely demanding. He implements projects with totally unreasonable deadlines. He never backs down on anything, even when he is proved incorrect. He constantly puts down other members of the company and, to be honest, it is very wearing being in his company for any length of time.
It isn't just me that feels this way about this individual. I am a senior member of a large team and they all feel the same way. During the past six months two of my team have had health issues due to sheer exhaustion and the stress this individual puts them under. I know I must bring the problem to the attention of senior management. However, this is easier said than done. This person can talk himself out of any situation and I strongly suspect he would make my life a living hell, if challenged. The bottom line, I guess, is that I am afraid of the consequences of challenging him. I am living in an area with no prospects of another job which pays as well, and I need to support my family. My husband and family are supportive. Do I just ride this out and hope things will improve? Or do I take the risk and challenge this man?
Answer
Two things need to be clearly separated. An aggressive attitude is a pain in the proverbial, but not life-threatening. It's also hard to prove. A wise employee finds ways of coping, a large part of which involves dropping the sensitivity and switching off. In other words, it's possible to de-sensitize ourselves to someone's rough style. You just stop taking it personally, stop being afraid, refuse to be intimidated, and find comfort in the company of your team. It's not nice, but it's not the problem.
Unreasonable deadlines are unreasonable deadlines. That can be shown, not as a once-off, but as a pattern over time. That means keeping careful records. It also means careful thought. It could be argued that things were, perhaps, a little too cosy before the new boss came along. I imagine he would definitely say that. The base-line by which you measure unreasonable deadlines has to laid out in detail. It can't just be a question of what you used to do. What are your criteria? What makes the deadlines crazy? Is it that suppliers or subcontractors can't meet the time targets no matter what pressure you put on them? Is it a question of safety due to cutting corners in some important and potentially hazardous way? I've no idea what business you're in, so these are just examples. Is it about constant overtime? Or regularly interrupted official breaks like lunch-time? Is there a product or service quality issue involved? Are there problems clearly piling up that would perhaps lead to future customer dissatisfaction, or worse? You get the picture.
You may be head of a team, and hence part of the official line of communication with those above, but be sure you are following proper procedure - which perhaps involves taking these things up with your boss first. You have to show him you mean business, and document it. Otherwise he could argue you just whinged, and he didn't take it seriously, not to mention being seriously cheesed off that you went over his head or behind his back or whatever. When someone is aggressive and has a bad manner of communication, there's a terrible temptation to side-step them. Don't. Talk to him, courteously but firmly. And often, not complaining, but documenting reality.
Finally, if you do decide to take the next step - and that's a decision only you can make - be sure the posse is close behind you. How often have leaders, or staff representatives, or managers, taken a stand and then turned round to find themselves standing alone. Don't forget. Others will be afraid of losing their jobs too. You may be team leader. That doesn't automatically mean you have to take on the world. All team members are adults. Tread carefully.
For the last 12 years I have been working in a very demanding but challenging job that thankfully the recession has not hit. If anything, the recession has provided the company with opportunities for growth. During this time I have had two children, so on the outside life is good, hectic and busy but I count my blessings every day, as the children are wonderful and bring such joy.
The problem is my job. Up to last year I was lucky to work for people who were hugely appreciative of team effort. I learned a lot and enjoyed a great work/life balance. Then my present boss arrived. I can acknowledge that this individual has great vision and has implemented changes that are necessary for the company to continue expanding. It's his attitude that makes life miserable. He is an aggressive person and extremely demanding. He implements projects with totally unreasonable deadlines. He never backs down on anything, even when he is proved incorrect. He constantly puts down other members of the company and, to be honest, it is very wearing being in his company for any length of time.
It isn't just me that feels this way about this individual. I am a senior member of a large team and they all feel the same way. During the past six months two of my team have had health issues due to sheer exhaustion and the stress this individual puts them under. I know I must bring the problem to the attention of senior management. However, this is easier said than done. This person can talk himself out of any situation and I strongly suspect he would make my life a living hell, if challenged. The bottom line, I guess, is that I am afraid of the consequences of challenging him. I am living in an area with no prospects of another job which pays as well, and I need to support my family. My husband and family are supportive. Do I just ride this out and hope things will improve? Or do I take the risk and challenge this man?
Answer
Two things need to be clearly separated. An aggressive attitude is a pain in the proverbial, but not life-threatening. It's also hard to prove. A wise employee finds ways of coping, a large part of which involves dropping the sensitivity and switching off. In other words, it's possible to de-sensitize ourselves to someone's rough style. You just stop taking it personally, stop being afraid, refuse to be intimidated, and find comfort in the company of your team. It's not nice, but it's not the problem.
Unreasonable deadlines are unreasonable deadlines. That can be shown, not as a once-off, but as a pattern over time. That means keeping careful records. It also means careful thought. It could be argued that things were, perhaps, a little too cosy before the new boss came along. I imagine he would definitely say that. The base-line by which you measure unreasonable deadlines has to laid out in detail. It can't just be a question of what you used to do. What are your criteria? What makes the deadlines crazy? Is it that suppliers or subcontractors can't meet the time targets no matter what pressure you put on them? Is it a question of safety due to cutting corners in some important and potentially hazardous way? I've no idea what business you're in, so these are just examples. Is it about constant overtime? Or regularly interrupted official breaks like lunch-time? Is there a product or service quality issue involved? Are there problems clearly piling up that would perhaps lead to future customer dissatisfaction, or worse? You get the picture.
You may be head of a team, and hence part of the official line of communication with those above, but be sure you are following proper procedure - which perhaps involves taking these things up with your boss first. You have to show him you mean business, and document it. Otherwise he could argue you just whinged, and he didn't take it seriously, not to mention being seriously cheesed off that you went over his head or behind his back or whatever. When someone is aggressive and has a bad manner of communication, there's a terrible temptation to side-step them. Don't. Talk to him, courteously but firmly. And often, not complaining, but documenting reality.
Finally, if you do decide to take the next step - and that's a decision only you can make - be sure the posse is close behind you. How often have leaders, or staff representatives, or managers, taken a stand and then turned round to find themselves standing alone. Don't forget. Others will be afraid of losing their jobs too. You may be team leader. That doesn't automatically mean you have to take on the world. All team members are adults. Tread carefully.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Job Pressure Has Me On Anti-Depressants
Question
I worked extremely hard to get a good job in a leading organisation. Unfortunately this has been accompanied along the way by ever-increasing anxiety. It has become so bad that I am in therapy and on anti-depressants for the past five years. I think the underlying reason is that I am not happy with my job. I am tired of the pressure and can't stand thinking, or even talking, about work anymore. My boss would think I am performing well, but I need to change career. All this is severely affecting my confidence too. My mortgage and student debts, however, mean that I can't afford to retrain and do what I feel would make me happy. It feels now like a veil has lifted and I can see how truly miserable I am. I honestly can't take much more.
Answer
I don't doubt the extent of your distress. I do doubt that it's your job. Or said differently, I think job stress may be a factor, but not the defining one. Jobs don't make us happy anyway. We make ourselves happy. My concern is that you're using your job as a kind of scapegoat, believing that if only the job were different, then you would be a new woman. I'm not so sure that's true. Even the most ill-fitting job is unlikely to send us into therapy for five years. It would just remain a job which we dislike, but need for financial reasons. We would just put it in its place, and then seek fulfilment elsewhere.
I'm not saying this lightly. I do know that a career choice can turn out wrong. I do also know that some jobs are extraordinarily stressful. But normally that would result in poor performance, or long tales of difficult job situations, or an irate boss, or very specific complaints on your part about certain aspects of what you do. None of that surfaces in what you're saying to me. Hence my suggestion that you change tack in therapy. Take as a starting point that the job stays - even if only as a source of financial security - and check out ways of making life work for you instead. In short, do what you want to do, which is to stop talking about the job. And take on that depression, which is depriving you of joy.
I worked extremely hard to get a good job in a leading organisation. Unfortunately this has been accompanied along the way by ever-increasing anxiety. It has become so bad that I am in therapy and on anti-depressants for the past five years. I think the underlying reason is that I am not happy with my job. I am tired of the pressure and can't stand thinking, or even talking, about work anymore. My boss would think I am performing well, but I need to change career. All this is severely affecting my confidence too. My mortgage and student debts, however, mean that I can't afford to retrain and do what I feel would make me happy. It feels now like a veil has lifted and I can see how truly miserable I am. I honestly can't take much more.
Answer
I don't doubt the extent of your distress. I do doubt that it's your job. Or said differently, I think job stress may be a factor, but not the defining one. Jobs don't make us happy anyway. We make ourselves happy. My concern is that you're using your job as a kind of scapegoat, believing that if only the job were different, then you would be a new woman. I'm not so sure that's true. Even the most ill-fitting job is unlikely to send us into therapy for five years. It would just remain a job which we dislike, but need for financial reasons. We would just put it in its place, and then seek fulfilment elsewhere.
I'm not saying this lightly. I do know that a career choice can turn out wrong. I do also know that some jobs are extraordinarily stressful. But normally that would result in poor performance, or long tales of difficult job situations, or an irate boss, or very specific complaints on your part about certain aspects of what you do. None of that surfaces in what you're saying to me. Hence my suggestion that you change tack in therapy. Take as a starting point that the job stays - even if only as a source of financial security - and check out ways of making life work for you instead. In short, do what you want to do, which is to stop talking about the job. And take on that depression, which is depriving you of joy.
I Can't Handle The Job Stress
Question
I am at my wits' end. I studied very hard, did a PhD, and ended up in this job that should be ideal for me. However I cannot cope with the levels of stress I am experiencing. I feel overwhelmed, am losing sleep, not eating, and constantly down. I felt this way from the beginning, before I actually started the job. I've now given it a year, and still feel the same. There are some aspects of the job I don't like, but I cannot pinpoint any single large contributory factor that would make me feel this way. My gut tells me this job is just not for me, but leaving for no specific reason, in these economic times, could devastate my career and leave me in financial ruin. My doctor has prescribed anti-anxiety medication, but I know this is not a long-term solution. I need help but am at a loss about where to turn.
Answer
Stress has become a very confusing concept. Let's try and disentangle it a little.
Your distress could be caused by unrealistic expectations. You see I'm not sure there's an 'ideal' job for anyone. Not in the sense of perfect anyway. At best, we find a job where by and large the downside is manageable. Think about acting. It may be all you really want to do. But you'll die of distress if you can't handle financial uncertainty, rejection at auditions, and the daunting demand to perform, no matter what. It takes a particular kind of personality to survive all that. So maybe you presumed it would be all plain sailing - pleasant sailing - and discovered before you even started that your Ph was buying you a lot of hassle along with the rewards. Disappointment can do your head in unless you readjust.
Or maybe you missed the larger picture. University studies very often have precious little to do with the actual job you end up doing. Even if you're looking down a microscope all day spotting whatever it was you were trained to spot, there's still the bureaucracy, the jostling for position, the cliques, the bitchy canteen chatter, the professional competition, the need to keep clients happy, the sheer intellectual aridness which comes with so many careers. In that scenario you have to learn a whole new set of skills which are entirely separate from your chosen speciality. It's the context in other words, rather than the essential job content.
I doubt, too, if job satisfaction is handed to us on a platter. Certainly self-fulfilment through a chosen career is an iffy notion. Jobs bring us money, a certain level of status maybe, some measure of independence. Those things, in themselves, are rewards. Joy, or a sense of destiny, or vocational certainty are something else entirely, come free gratis and for nothing only to the lucky few. The rest of us have to create our own happiness on the job. We don't fall into the perfect place. We make it work for us.
Then there are square pegs in round holes. Your chosen speciality may have excited you intellectually. That doesn't necessarily mean that the resulting job opportunities are a real option for you. You could love maths but dislike the notion of teaching or becoming an actuary. Like I said, there's a huge gap between studying and applying our knowledge in the workplace.
Finally, happiness is never handed to us. It's something we create.
Life coaches abound, and in broad terms deal with issues like yours. Check some out, and find one that suits you.
I am at my wits' end. I studied very hard, did a PhD, and ended up in this job that should be ideal for me. However I cannot cope with the levels of stress I am experiencing. I feel overwhelmed, am losing sleep, not eating, and constantly down. I felt this way from the beginning, before I actually started the job. I've now given it a year, and still feel the same. There are some aspects of the job I don't like, but I cannot pinpoint any single large contributory factor that would make me feel this way. My gut tells me this job is just not for me, but leaving for no specific reason, in these economic times, could devastate my career and leave me in financial ruin. My doctor has prescribed anti-anxiety medication, but I know this is not a long-term solution. I need help but am at a loss about where to turn.
Answer
Stress has become a very confusing concept. Let's try and disentangle it a little.
Your distress could be caused by unrealistic expectations. You see I'm not sure there's an 'ideal' job for anyone. Not in the sense of perfect anyway. At best, we find a job where by and large the downside is manageable. Think about acting. It may be all you really want to do. But you'll die of distress if you can't handle financial uncertainty, rejection at auditions, and the daunting demand to perform, no matter what. It takes a particular kind of personality to survive all that. So maybe you presumed it would be all plain sailing - pleasant sailing - and discovered before you even started that your Ph was buying you a lot of hassle along with the rewards. Disappointment can do your head in unless you readjust.
Or maybe you missed the larger picture. University studies very often have precious little to do with the actual job you end up doing. Even if you're looking down a microscope all day spotting whatever it was you were trained to spot, there's still the bureaucracy, the jostling for position, the cliques, the bitchy canteen chatter, the professional competition, the need to keep clients happy, the sheer intellectual aridness which comes with so many careers. In that scenario you have to learn a whole new set of skills which are entirely separate from your chosen speciality. It's the context in other words, rather than the essential job content.
I doubt, too, if job satisfaction is handed to us on a platter. Certainly self-fulfilment through a chosen career is an iffy notion. Jobs bring us money, a certain level of status maybe, some measure of independence. Those things, in themselves, are rewards. Joy, or a sense of destiny, or vocational certainty are something else entirely, come free gratis and for nothing only to the lucky few. The rest of us have to create our own happiness on the job. We don't fall into the perfect place. We make it work for us.
Then there are square pegs in round holes. Your chosen speciality may have excited you intellectually. That doesn't necessarily mean that the resulting job opportunities are a real option for you. You could love maths but dislike the notion of teaching or becoming an actuary. Like I said, there's a huge gap between studying and applying our knowledge in the workplace.
Finally, happiness is never handed to us. It's something we create.
Life coaches abound, and in broad terms deal with issues like yours. Check some out, and find one that suits you.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sister-in-Law Says My Husband Is Bad
Question
I'm in a dark and difficult place. I'm married 25 years to a great guy, we have three children, jobs we like, and a decent happy life. Or we did until about a year ago. At that point it became obvious that my sister-in-law was excluding us from family gatherings she hosted. When my husband asked his mother what was going on, she explained that it was the result of something that happened nearly 40 years ago. Apparently my husband, who was then in his early teens, managed to look at his sister-in-law's naked body. She was about 10 at the time. There was no touching or anything else involved. We are all in our fifties at this stage.
Now we are pariahs. My husband has apologised any number of times over the years. It's like ground-hog day with the apologies. I spend my time crying in private about the prospects of a court case. I am so angry with my sister-in-law. Why couldn't she accept the apologies? I can't forgive or forget what she's done. I've been to counselling, but it hasn't helped. I'm completely worn out by it all. I don't know where to turn.
Answer I can't, of course, say anything about a pending court case. I do think you should clear that question up with your solicitor. Can someone really put a case together forty years after the event - an event which happened when both parties were so young? I mean, is this just a threat on your sister-in-law's part? You need a realistic assessment from a professional. We fret less when we know what we have to face.
I'm not sure you are actually pariahs. As you tell it, you are only excluded when your sister-in-law organises a family get-together. The rest of the family are probably trying to steer a calm path through troubled waters and hold everything together. No, it's not nice, but family fights are sort of par for the course aren't they, generally speaking I mean? You don't have to feel so wounded. It's one incredibly vindictive middle-aged woman being a drama queen. It happens. Your husband has said he's sorry for any hurt caused. He has to stop apologising now. It's only perpetuating the silliness. It's also undignified.
Your distress feeds your sister-in-law's recently discovered grievance. Stop showing it. Stop giving her so much power. You and your husband have been blessed with a lovely life. Protect it. Enjoy it. So she has her family feasts and you're not there. Big deal. Who in their right mind would want to be anywhere near such an immature and nasty woman, who's clearly milking a politically-correct issue for all it's worth?
At one level, of course, you have to take this seriously. A detailed session with a lawyer would solve that, like I said. And then you have to show you can't be bullied - because that, of course, is what's happening right now.
I'm in a dark and difficult place. I'm married 25 years to a great guy, we have three children, jobs we like, and a decent happy life. Or we did until about a year ago. At that point it became obvious that my sister-in-law was excluding us from family gatherings she hosted. When my husband asked his mother what was going on, she explained that it was the result of something that happened nearly 40 years ago. Apparently my husband, who was then in his early teens, managed to look at his sister-in-law's naked body. She was about 10 at the time. There was no touching or anything else involved. We are all in our fifties at this stage.
Now we are pariahs. My husband has apologised any number of times over the years. It's like ground-hog day with the apologies. I spend my time crying in private about the prospects of a court case. I am so angry with my sister-in-law. Why couldn't she accept the apologies? I can't forgive or forget what she's done. I've been to counselling, but it hasn't helped. I'm completely worn out by it all. I don't know where to turn.
Answer I can't, of course, say anything about a pending court case. I do think you should clear that question up with your solicitor. Can someone really put a case together forty years after the event - an event which happened when both parties were so young? I mean, is this just a threat on your sister-in-law's part? You need a realistic assessment from a professional. We fret less when we know what we have to face.
I'm not sure you are actually pariahs. As you tell it, you are only excluded when your sister-in-law organises a family get-together. The rest of the family are probably trying to steer a calm path through troubled waters and hold everything together. No, it's not nice, but family fights are sort of par for the course aren't they, generally speaking I mean? You don't have to feel so wounded. It's one incredibly vindictive middle-aged woman being a drama queen. It happens. Your husband has said he's sorry for any hurt caused. He has to stop apologising now. It's only perpetuating the silliness. It's also undignified.
Your distress feeds your sister-in-law's recently discovered grievance. Stop showing it. Stop giving her so much power. You and your husband have been blessed with a lovely life. Protect it. Enjoy it. So she has her family feasts and you're not there. Big deal. Who in their right mind would want to be anywhere near such an immature and nasty woman, who's clearly milking a politically-correct issue for all it's worth?
At one level, of course, you have to take this seriously. A detailed session with a lawyer would solve that, like I said. And then you have to show you can't be bullied - because that, of course, is what's happening right now.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
I'm In Love With my Boss
14th February, 2010
Question
I'm in love with my boss. The first day I met him - and that was a few years ago - I felt an attraction straight away. However I've kept things light and friendly and just do my work.
We get on well, and I suppose we flirt in a joking way now and again. It's a bit of fun and others join in. I'm sure some of them have noticed that there might be an attraction between us, but thankfully we are all very professional and it's just glazed over, nothing said.
The thing is, I do find it hard at times, feeling so attracted to him and knowing he's working in the same building. He has a partner, but doesn't speak much about her. According to the others, he hasn't moved on with that relationship in any kind of committed way.
I'm single at the moment, doing my best to have a social life, and hoping to meet somebody. But it hasn't happened, and I think sometimes I do compare a lot of men to my boss. That's good in some ways, as at least I keep my standards high. But I think it's just difficult to meet people these days. Added to that, most of my friends are now settled. I find it difficult to have such feelings for somebody who is not available, or most probably not attainable, for me.
Answer
Being professional does not exclude getting up close and personal with work-colleagues. Countless couples meet in the workplace. And it's hard to imagine that all such romances are nice neat situations, where each person is totally unattached, and absolutely equal in terms of job status. Falling for the boss - or having the boss fall for you - is not way-out. The question, therefore, is why you're still stuck with fancying him from afar.
It sounds to me like you're nurturing a fantasy. Look at how you dodge facing the reality of his love-life. He's been with the same woman since forever. But, you tell me, you've heard on the grape-vine that he's perhaps less than committed. How tantalisingly vague. What has he failed to do? Marry her? Give her his babies? Since when in this modern world does that mean he's not truly with her?
You flirt. Good. Flirting is good. It's an acknowledgement that you're not just workers, but sexual human beings. It lightens the work-load, creates a buzz, helps keep everyone happy and undoubtedly more productive. It doesn't mean your boss is interested in you. On the contrary, flirting with you for several years while conducting an on-going romance off-site means he's not interested in you. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I only mean it as a reality check.
Deep down you know all this. It's just that the fantasy has taken hold in the face of your loneliness. And while fantasies are fine - I'm a big fan as you know - it's important we keep them in check. OK, so you hold your boss up as a bench-mark against which all the loud lads at the pub or night-club are measured - and in the process you protect yourself from your vulnerability. Grand. Just be careful though. If our ideal man is, by definition, someone who is unattainable, then that condemns us to eternal aloneness doesn't it? My suggestion, therefore, is that you open your heart a little, and create the possibility that some perfectly nice man comes creeping in. And who knows? Maybe he's a work-mate, standing in the wings, waiting for Snow White to wake up.
Question
I'm in love with my boss. The first day I met him - and that was a few years ago - I felt an attraction straight away. However I've kept things light and friendly and just do my work.
We get on well, and I suppose we flirt in a joking way now and again. It's a bit of fun and others join in. I'm sure some of them have noticed that there might be an attraction between us, but thankfully we are all very professional and it's just glazed over, nothing said.
The thing is, I do find it hard at times, feeling so attracted to him and knowing he's working in the same building. He has a partner, but doesn't speak much about her. According to the others, he hasn't moved on with that relationship in any kind of committed way.
I'm single at the moment, doing my best to have a social life, and hoping to meet somebody. But it hasn't happened, and I think sometimes I do compare a lot of men to my boss. That's good in some ways, as at least I keep my standards high. But I think it's just difficult to meet people these days. Added to that, most of my friends are now settled. I find it difficult to have such feelings for somebody who is not available, or most probably not attainable, for me.
Answer
Being professional does not exclude getting up close and personal with work-colleagues. Countless couples meet in the workplace. And it's hard to imagine that all such romances are nice neat situations, where each person is totally unattached, and absolutely equal in terms of job status. Falling for the boss - or having the boss fall for you - is not way-out. The question, therefore, is why you're still stuck with fancying him from afar.
It sounds to me like you're nurturing a fantasy. Look at how you dodge facing the reality of his love-life. He's been with the same woman since forever. But, you tell me, you've heard on the grape-vine that he's perhaps less than committed. How tantalisingly vague. What has he failed to do? Marry her? Give her his babies? Since when in this modern world does that mean he's not truly with her?
You flirt. Good. Flirting is good. It's an acknowledgement that you're not just workers, but sexual human beings. It lightens the work-load, creates a buzz, helps keep everyone happy and undoubtedly more productive. It doesn't mean your boss is interested in you. On the contrary, flirting with you for several years while conducting an on-going romance off-site means he's not interested in you. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I only mean it as a reality check.
Deep down you know all this. It's just that the fantasy has taken hold in the face of your loneliness. And while fantasies are fine - I'm a big fan as you know - it's important we keep them in check. OK, so you hold your boss up as a bench-mark against which all the loud lads at the pub or night-club are measured - and in the process you protect yourself from your vulnerability. Grand. Just be careful though. If our ideal man is, by definition, someone who is unattainable, then that condemns us to eternal aloneness doesn't it? My suggestion, therefore, is that you open your heart a little, and create the possibility that some perfectly nice man comes creeping in. And who knows? Maybe he's a work-mate, standing in the wings, waiting for Snow White to wake up.
My Boss Is Incompetent
January 24th, 2010
Question
I am finding it very difficult to tolerate my boss, but can't get another job and can't afford to lose this one. He is incapable of making a decision, he hinders work progress by dithering, he blames others for his own omissions and incompetence, he lies and bad-mouths people behind their backs, causing rows between people without any ill-effect to himself. He fears change. He looks up to and is ingratiating towards popular people, people he fears or believes to be superior to him, and cannot stand up to them, no matter how they behave, giving the most favourable treatment to the most unproductive staff members, who treat him with disrespect. He is a bully to people he feels are inferior and has also ignored the serious bullying of junior staff by one of his managers, because he was either unwilling or unable to stand up to her. He gets away with all this because he is two-faced.
The real problem is that the people at work let him get away with it, and seem to regard him as a kind of innocent bungling human being. I can't understand people's tolerance. They don't seem to see the grief he causes. On the contrary, when one staff member tried to stand up to him, people's reaction was "ah the poor fellow", downplaying his behaviour and suggesting that the unfortunate staff member was exaggerating. Why do they do this? And what can I do to make my work-life more tolerable?
Answer
I'm taking it as fact that you have to hang onto your job. The reason I'm saying this is because sometimes we have options, and either don't see them, or don't want to see them. For example, people stick with a secure job, rather than taking their chances on something more dicey, and say they have to, when what they mean is that it makes them feel more comfortable. And sometimes people fail to think laterally - staying with a job rather than actually moving house, or country, or continent. But I'm supposing, for now, that you're well and truly stuck.
Given that, I think the answer is obvious. You are not going to win any substantial support for an insurrection against your boss - not as you tell it anyway. He's here to stay. You have to learn to live with him. And that might not involve as much teeth-grinding as you think.
I know there are all kinds of ethical questions involved, but I still have to ask why you mind so much about what your boss does, or fails to do. You are clearly suffering, and full of rage. Why, exactly? Is it possible you're taking him far too seriously? Do you feel vulnerable to his nastiness? When the others shrug their shoulders and see him as a sorry messer, are they perhaps reading him right? No, it's not an excuse to say someone is a weakling. And it doesn't let the weakling off the hook about learning to handle his job differently, and to manage his staff and work-place better. But a weakling is a different class of problem to an out-and-out vicious character. With a weakling you can fret, rightly, about the things he does wrong, or allows to go unchecked. But you also have a better chance of finding a way of managing the situation.
My guess is that you are personally suffering at the hands of your boss. I think he's being unfair and disrespectful and you're putting up with it, because you don't know how to defend yourself while still watching your step and keeping your job. That leaves you full of helpless rage. What you lack are some basic on-the-job negotiating skills, because that's what your interactions with your boss are actually all about, negotiation. I'm sure you're fine with friends, family and lover. You're not a man from space learning something entirely new. It's just that everybody has to find a way of taking flack on the job, without losing the head, or your dignity.
I know this is going to sound peculiar, but the important step is to stop taking it personally. Your boss is an idiot. He's nasty to lots of people, as part of his own insecurity. His behaviour says nothing about your worth, and everything about his shortcomings. Be firm about your own self-confidence and his words will just whistle past you. That doesn't, however, mean that you stand there and just take it. Check out some strategies for side-stepping. Essentially that's about showing, however subtly, that you are not taking a beating. It can be something as low-key as your posture, a non-verbal communication that speaks volumes. For some humour works. For others, it's a question of quiet but firm self-defence, thinking on your feet, finding good exit strategies.
The point is, you'll discover your own style once you stop feeling such outrage. Outrage gives your boss way too much importance. Legitimate anger is different. It fuels effective self-defence. Work on it.
Question
I am finding it very difficult to tolerate my boss, but can't get another job and can't afford to lose this one. He is incapable of making a decision, he hinders work progress by dithering, he blames others for his own omissions and incompetence, he lies and bad-mouths people behind their backs, causing rows between people without any ill-effect to himself. He fears change. He looks up to and is ingratiating towards popular people, people he fears or believes to be superior to him, and cannot stand up to them, no matter how they behave, giving the most favourable treatment to the most unproductive staff members, who treat him with disrespect. He is a bully to people he feels are inferior and has also ignored the serious bullying of junior staff by one of his managers, because he was either unwilling or unable to stand up to her. He gets away with all this because he is two-faced.
The real problem is that the people at work let him get away with it, and seem to regard him as a kind of innocent bungling human being. I can't understand people's tolerance. They don't seem to see the grief he causes. On the contrary, when one staff member tried to stand up to him, people's reaction was "ah the poor fellow", downplaying his behaviour and suggesting that the unfortunate staff member was exaggerating. Why do they do this? And what can I do to make my work-life more tolerable?
Answer
I'm taking it as fact that you have to hang onto your job. The reason I'm saying this is because sometimes we have options, and either don't see them, or don't want to see them. For example, people stick with a secure job, rather than taking their chances on something more dicey, and say they have to, when what they mean is that it makes them feel more comfortable. And sometimes people fail to think laterally - staying with a job rather than actually moving house, or country, or continent. But I'm supposing, for now, that you're well and truly stuck.
Given that, I think the answer is obvious. You are not going to win any substantial support for an insurrection against your boss - not as you tell it anyway. He's here to stay. You have to learn to live with him. And that might not involve as much teeth-grinding as you think.
I know there are all kinds of ethical questions involved, but I still have to ask why you mind so much about what your boss does, or fails to do. You are clearly suffering, and full of rage. Why, exactly? Is it possible you're taking him far too seriously? Do you feel vulnerable to his nastiness? When the others shrug their shoulders and see him as a sorry messer, are they perhaps reading him right? No, it's not an excuse to say someone is a weakling. And it doesn't let the weakling off the hook about learning to handle his job differently, and to manage his staff and work-place better. But a weakling is a different class of problem to an out-and-out vicious character. With a weakling you can fret, rightly, about the things he does wrong, or allows to go unchecked. But you also have a better chance of finding a way of managing the situation.
My guess is that you are personally suffering at the hands of your boss. I think he's being unfair and disrespectful and you're putting up with it, because you don't know how to defend yourself while still watching your step and keeping your job. That leaves you full of helpless rage. What you lack are some basic on-the-job negotiating skills, because that's what your interactions with your boss are actually all about, negotiation. I'm sure you're fine with friends, family and lover. You're not a man from space learning something entirely new. It's just that everybody has to find a way of taking flack on the job, without losing the head, or your dignity.
I know this is going to sound peculiar, but the important step is to stop taking it personally. Your boss is an idiot. He's nasty to lots of people, as part of his own insecurity. His behaviour says nothing about your worth, and everything about his shortcomings. Be firm about your own self-confidence and his words will just whistle past you. That doesn't, however, mean that you stand there and just take it. Check out some strategies for side-stepping. Essentially that's about showing, however subtly, that you are not taking a beating. It can be something as low-key as your posture, a non-verbal communication that speaks volumes. For some humour works. For others, it's a question of quiet but firm self-defence, thinking on your feet, finding good exit strategies.
The point is, you'll discover your own style once you stop feeling such outrage. Outrage gives your boss way too much importance. Legitimate anger is different. It fuels effective self-defence. Work on it.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Career Doubts
1st November, 2009
Question
At age 33 I am thinking seriously of a career change. And this is happening just when I am getting to a stable place in my current job. I have worked really hard to get here, but now feel that the demands on me in my newcurrent post are too high, and do not suit my personality. I just can't work out whether I'm lacking the confidence to do myself justice in this job, or whether I'm sensibly running from something I'm simply not good at.
What I do know is that my confidence is very low, I am permanently stressed, and I cannot communicate. I find it extremely hard to make conversation with people in work about anything except work. I come across as stilted and one-dimensional, but really crave friendship and acceptance. How do I even start to sort all this out?
Answer
I know it's become a cliché, but getting a better work/life balance would be my suggestion. Look at what you're telling me. You crave friendship and acceptance from your workmates. Why? I understand you want the workplace to be reasonably sociable. Everyone does. But craving friendship and acceptance there? That's not a problem with your job. That's a problem with your social life, or rather lack of it. Job skills, in other words, are not the issue.
Yes job skills also involve the social skills of interacting with a work team. But I think you have those skills. What's blocking easy interaction with your work mates is not an absolute inability to talk to them - since you tell me you can talk to them about work - but the fact that you're looking for too much out of these work relationships. You're feeling stilted and one-dimensional because you yearn to be best buddies, rather than just settling for getting along sufficiently well to make the job work.
You can see that a career change wouldn't solve that. You can also see that this isn't a question of work stress, or promotion beyond your capabilities. Yes, I understand that perhaps you're now a boss, or somehow in charge, or in some way seen as an authority on your subject, and all of those things can lead to work-place isolation. But that still doesn't mean that the job is the problem. You want to be loved. That's a legitimate desire. It's just not a good idea to bring that need into work. Sure, some workmates are indeed best buddies. But it is not necessarily so.
My guess is you spent years focussing on your career, leaving other needs strictly to one side. Now you're there - and the loneliness of your life is all too apparent. The point I'm making is that this is a fresh task you have to face, not to be confused with settling down into your new job. Having got the job, you now have to get a life.
Get fit in whatever way takes your fancy, preferably joining some club where you might meet others, however superficially. Breakfast out at the weekend, sitting in a café with a coffee and the Sunday Independent. Link up with some member of your family, if that's possible, even if only for an odd drink. Check out the local female talent. Rent a motorbike to see if you'd like one - whatever. You get the picture. Shift the focus from your career. You've delivered on that front. Now tackle your loneliness. And if that means getting some counselling about emotional isolation, then do that.
No, it's not easy. But you'll have a much smoother path if you can manage to believe you will make it. It's the doubt that gets to us, not the endeavour. And faith is, in fact, an act of will, however philosophically silly that sounds.
Question
At age 33 I am thinking seriously of a career change. And this is happening just when I am getting to a stable place in my current job. I have worked really hard to get here, but now feel that the demands on me in my newcurrent post are too high, and do not suit my personality. I just can't work out whether I'm lacking the confidence to do myself justice in this job, or whether I'm sensibly running from something I'm simply not good at.
What I do know is that my confidence is very low, I am permanently stressed, and I cannot communicate. I find it extremely hard to make conversation with people in work about anything except work. I come across as stilted and one-dimensional, but really crave friendship and acceptance. How do I even start to sort all this out?
Answer
I know it's become a cliché, but getting a better work/life balance would be my suggestion. Look at what you're telling me. You crave friendship and acceptance from your workmates. Why? I understand you want the workplace to be reasonably sociable. Everyone does. But craving friendship and acceptance there? That's not a problem with your job. That's a problem with your social life, or rather lack of it. Job skills, in other words, are not the issue.
Yes job skills also involve the social skills of interacting with a work team. But I think you have those skills. What's blocking easy interaction with your work mates is not an absolute inability to talk to them - since you tell me you can talk to them about work - but the fact that you're looking for too much out of these work relationships. You're feeling stilted and one-dimensional because you yearn to be best buddies, rather than just settling for getting along sufficiently well to make the job work.
You can see that a career change wouldn't solve that. You can also see that this isn't a question of work stress, or promotion beyond your capabilities. Yes, I understand that perhaps you're now a boss, or somehow in charge, or in some way seen as an authority on your subject, and all of those things can lead to work-place isolation. But that still doesn't mean that the job is the problem. You want to be loved. That's a legitimate desire. It's just not a good idea to bring that need into work. Sure, some workmates are indeed best buddies. But it is not necessarily so.
My guess is you spent years focussing on your career, leaving other needs strictly to one side. Now you're there - and the loneliness of your life is all too apparent. The point I'm making is that this is a fresh task you have to face, not to be confused with settling down into your new job. Having got the job, you now have to get a life.
Get fit in whatever way takes your fancy, preferably joining some club where you might meet others, however superficially. Breakfast out at the weekend, sitting in a café with a coffee and the Sunday Independent. Link up with some member of your family, if that's possible, even if only for an odd drink. Check out the local female talent. Rent a motorbike to see if you'd like one - whatever. You get the picture. Shift the focus from your career. You've delivered on that front. Now tackle your loneliness. And if that means getting some counselling about emotional isolation, then do that.
No, it's not easy. But you'll have a much smoother path if you can manage to believe you will make it. It's the doubt that gets to us, not the endeavour. And faith is, in fact, an act of will, however philosophically silly that sounds.
No Job, No Hope
11th January, 2009
Question
I recently lost my job, am having a tough time getting a new one despite being highly qualified, and feel I wasted all those years of study as I'm back applying for entry level positions. It's really getting to me, especially on days when I get 3 or 4 rejection letters. It makes me want to go back to bed and hide from the world. I feel angry at myself as much as at those faceless human resources managers.
Sitting around all day, I just apply for jobs while feeling that I have little chance of getting an interview because I know I look awful, am slowly gaining weight and losing my edge watching TV. All I can think is that if I was back at work all would be well. I can't remember when my confidence was so low. Most days I hardly leave the house.
Meeting the family at Christmas was awful. I was really embarrassed about my situation and couldn't bear trying to respond to questions about what I'm doing. It's just my pride. But unfortunately my relations can be somewhat judgmental. I just didn't know how to deal with them. It was a nightmare.
There's also the problem of my ex-boyfriend. I broke up with him because he was never there for me and I couldn't trust him. He isn't a bad guy, but I don't believe he's interested in me in a serious way. He never spared much thought for my feelings. He's now made contact again and I'm seriously considering going back to him. I know this is ridiculous, but I just feel so miserable and worthless that I find it hard to resist the idea of someone being nice to me, and paying me compliments, even if it's just so they'll get what they want. I suppose I think that at least he's a fun person to be around. If nothing else, he might serve as a distraction. But then am I just using him?
I'm confused. Actually I'm a total disaster. Help.
Answer
I know your mind is full of unemployment, but I'm wondering what's so wrong with the boyfriend? Why is it ridiculous to consider seeing him? He's nice to you, pays you compliments, wants your company, is a fun person - what on earth can be so bad about that? So he's not into planning a forever, doesn't want too much of the sad stuff, but so what? And what's this business of using him? Wouldn't you just be enjoying him?
You've lost your job, you're getting rejection slips, you're short of cash. I appreciate all that. You're also letting it get to you. Why aren't you out exercising, helping other people, enjoying your friends' company, having fun with a nice guy? Why the TV, over-eating and dark thoughts? We criticise men about defining themselves in terms of their work status - talk of them being one-dimensional. Aren't you doing the same? Isn't that a very bad idea? And you're going further. At least unemployed men cut the grass, walk the dogs, and do other men-like things. But you're saying you can't discipline your day unless you have a work routine.
You could tell your relatives to get real. Unemployment is back as a fact of life in Ireland. It's nothing personal. It's certainly not your fault. Although that said, a word of caution. I don't know your area of expertise. But if it's a section of the economy that is currently in tatters, then think about jobs in some other field.
Ask the boyfriend to take you out, get your trainers and go walking, make yourself useful in the house, glam up in the mornings as if you were going to work, and think outside the box in terms of employment. You are all the things you always were when you were working - except employed. No need, then, for shattered self-confidence.
Question
I recently lost my job, am having a tough time getting a new one despite being highly qualified, and feel I wasted all those years of study as I'm back applying for entry level positions. It's really getting to me, especially on days when I get 3 or 4 rejection letters. It makes me want to go back to bed and hide from the world. I feel angry at myself as much as at those faceless human resources managers.
Sitting around all day, I just apply for jobs while feeling that I have little chance of getting an interview because I know I look awful, am slowly gaining weight and losing my edge watching TV. All I can think is that if I was back at work all would be well. I can't remember when my confidence was so low. Most days I hardly leave the house.
Meeting the family at Christmas was awful. I was really embarrassed about my situation and couldn't bear trying to respond to questions about what I'm doing. It's just my pride. But unfortunately my relations can be somewhat judgmental. I just didn't know how to deal with them. It was a nightmare.
There's also the problem of my ex-boyfriend. I broke up with him because he was never there for me and I couldn't trust him. He isn't a bad guy, but I don't believe he's interested in me in a serious way. He never spared much thought for my feelings. He's now made contact again and I'm seriously considering going back to him. I know this is ridiculous, but I just feel so miserable and worthless that I find it hard to resist the idea of someone being nice to me, and paying me compliments, even if it's just so they'll get what they want. I suppose I think that at least he's a fun person to be around. If nothing else, he might serve as a distraction. But then am I just using him?
I'm confused. Actually I'm a total disaster. Help.
Answer
I know your mind is full of unemployment, but I'm wondering what's so wrong with the boyfriend? Why is it ridiculous to consider seeing him? He's nice to you, pays you compliments, wants your company, is a fun person - what on earth can be so bad about that? So he's not into planning a forever, doesn't want too much of the sad stuff, but so what? And what's this business of using him? Wouldn't you just be enjoying him?
You've lost your job, you're getting rejection slips, you're short of cash. I appreciate all that. You're also letting it get to you. Why aren't you out exercising, helping other people, enjoying your friends' company, having fun with a nice guy? Why the TV, over-eating and dark thoughts? We criticise men about defining themselves in terms of their work status - talk of them being one-dimensional. Aren't you doing the same? Isn't that a very bad idea? And you're going further. At least unemployed men cut the grass, walk the dogs, and do other men-like things. But you're saying you can't discipline your day unless you have a work routine.
You could tell your relatives to get real. Unemployment is back as a fact of life in Ireland. It's nothing personal. It's certainly not your fault. Although that said, a word of caution. I don't know your area of expertise. But if it's a section of the economy that is currently in tatters, then think about jobs in some other field.
Ask the boyfriend to take you out, get your trainers and go walking, make yourself useful in the house, glam up in the mornings as if you were going to work, and think outside the box in terms of employment. You are all the things you always were when you were working - except employed. No need, then, for shattered self-confidence.
My Business Has Gone Bust
4th January, 2009
Question
A year ago, with great excitement and hope, I got a bank loan and started a business. I knew it would take a while until I was on a good salary. But this summer the recession hit and basically, despite my best efforts to succeed, my business failed and I have hardly made any money. I went to the bank for an overdraft and was refused. I even turned to family and two friends I felt I could trust, but no-one can, or will, help me. In the midst of all this, my boyfriend left me.
I'm now two months behind with the bills and mortgage, and am in a serious state of despair. I don't know who to turn to, or what to do.
Answer
You're stuck in a state of shock. You put yourself on the line, and it didn't work out. You're paralysed by disappointment. It will pass.
To help you shift, stop the despair, and start thinking outside the box, you need first to forgive yourself. Failure in any particular endeavour is par for the course. It doesn't mean you're a failure. It simply means you're human. If you wish to put it differently, you're not special, unique, or a once-off with your business failure. You're mainstream, normal, ordinary. And being ordinary is nice, as well as comforting. You're among friends. Stop beating yourself up.
The importance of failure is that it gives us an opportunity to examine our strengths and weaknesses. Certainly, success can do that too, but only if we're near sainthood, or seriously mature. I mean, who wants to stop and ask why when you're on a roll? Failure forces us to ask questions, an integral part of any learning curve.
Thinking outside the box is not just about getting financial advice on entrepreneurial endeavour. It's also about checking out your local social services for any emergency benefits on offer, and getting personal financial advice, like how to approach your mortgage company, rather than hiding in shame, by contacting MABS (Money Advice & Budgeting Service) Helpline, 1890-283438, who'll steer you through the initial stages.
Broadening your horizons also involves ditching false pride. Maybe your enterprise can be rescued. In the meantime, however, don't dismiss the notion of getting the day-job, any day-job, to help ends meet.
Losing the boyfriend was a double-whammy. Did he know you were going down, business-wise? If he did, then he's rather a rat, because how bad could it have been to hang in there until the crisis passed? Or perhaps he left in desperation because you were obviously seriously in trouble and refusing to recognise the fact. It's not always wise to stand aside and watch someone dig themselves into serious stress. Sometimes it takes a serious stand to make that clear. So maybe he did you a favour. You judge. I don't know the circumstances.
Silence is always the big no-no in such situations. Go talk. To-morrow.
Question
A year ago, with great excitement and hope, I got a bank loan and started a business. I knew it would take a while until I was on a good salary. But this summer the recession hit and basically, despite my best efforts to succeed, my business failed and I have hardly made any money. I went to the bank for an overdraft and was refused. I even turned to family and two friends I felt I could trust, but no-one can, or will, help me. In the midst of all this, my boyfriend left me.
I'm now two months behind with the bills and mortgage, and am in a serious state of despair. I don't know who to turn to, or what to do.
Answer
You're stuck in a state of shock. You put yourself on the line, and it didn't work out. You're paralysed by disappointment. It will pass.
To help you shift, stop the despair, and start thinking outside the box, you need first to forgive yourself. Failure in any particular endeavour is par for the course. It doesn't mean you're a failure. It simply means you're human. If you wish to put it differently, you're not special, unique, or a once-off with your business failure. You're mainstream, normal, ordinary. And being ordinary is nice, as well as comforting. You're among friends. Stop beating yourself up.
The importance of failure is that it gives us an opportunity to examine our strengths and weaknesses. Certainly, success can do that too, but only if we're near sainthood, or seriously mature. I mean, who wants to stop and ask why when you're on a roll? Failure forces us to ask questions, an integral part of any learning curve.
Thinking outside the box is not just about getting financial advice on entrepreneurial endeavour. It's also about checking out your local social services for any emergency benefits on offer, and getting personal financial advice, like how to approach your mortgage company, rather than hiding in shame, by contacting MABS (Money Advice & Budgeting Service) Helpline, 1890-283438, who'll steer you through the initial stages.
Broadening your horizons also involves ditching false pride. Maybe your enterprise can be rescued. In the meantime, however, don't dismiss the notion of getting the day-job, any day-job, to help ends meet.
Losing the boyfriend was a double-whammy. Did he know you were going down, business-wise? If he did, then he's rather a rat, because how bad could it have been to hang in there until the crisis passed? Or perhaps he left in desperation because you were obviously seriously in trouble and refusing to recognise the fact. It's not always wise to stand aside and watch someone dig themselves into serious stress. Sometimes it takes a serious stand to make that clear. So maybe he did you a favour. You judge. I don't know the circumstances.
Silence is always the big no-no in such situations. Go talk. To-morrow.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Am I Losing My Mind
15th June, 2008
Question
I'm writing to you because I don't know what else to do. I feel helpless and desperately alone. Over the past few months I've started to suffer serious anxiety. To begin with it was just in certain social situations and I thought it would go away again. But over the past few weeks it's become much worse. Just the thought of facing people fills me with dread. I get so anxious I shake. I've always been shy, but never felt like this before.
Drink is the only thing that brings any relief, so I've started drinking more. This isn't social drinking. It might be in the morning before I go to work, or during work, because I find work particularly difficult at times. Basically I drink at any time, when I feel this anxiety coming on. Sometimes it feels like I'm breaking down - that's the only way to describe it - and the drink keeps me together.
I've lost all confidence, which is affecting every aspect of my life, professional, personal, social. This makes me feel depressed. Any hope of achieving any aspirations I have seems to be blocked by this anxiety. I guess I was somewhat in denial about this until recently, hoping it would just go away. Instead it's got much worse. It now feels like I'm losing control. That scares me, as I don't know what's happening.
Answer
What you really fear is that you're losing your mind. You're not. But yes, in one way, you are losing control. What's happening is that denial is breaking down. Some emotional issue has come knocking on the door of your conscious mind. And it's demanding to be let in.
That's what anxiety is all about. It signals to us that we have feelings we're ignoring. That can be something as simple as feeling anxious about an exam because we know, deep down, that we're not studying enough. Or something more complicated, like the real reason you're so anxious in social situations - which isn't immediately apparent to you. You don't know what's wrong, because you've buried it so successfully that your anxiety seems illogical to you - which is why you're so afraid.
Believe me, all emotions are entirely logical. And the stronger the anxiety, the more important the issue which lies behind it. Instead of being so afraid of what's happening, honour your mind's obvious desire to deal with this hidden issue. Instead of trying to deaden the anxiety with drink, pay it due heed. It's just the emotional equivalent of having a high temperature, or a terrible pain, although obviously scarier. You're right. You were in denial. The good news is that now you're not. Find a therapist and work it out.
Question
I'm writing to you because I don't know what else to do. I feel helpless and desperately alone. Over the past few months I've started to suffer serious anxiety. To begin with it was just in certain social situations and I thought it would go away again. But over the past few weeks it's become much worse. Just the thought of facing people fills me with dread. I get so anxious I shake. I've always been shy, but never felt like this before.
Drink is the only thing that brings any relief, so I've started drinking more. This isn't social drinking. It might be in the morning before I go to work, or during work, because I find work particularly difficult at times. Basically I drink at any time, when I feel this anxiety coming on. Sometimes it feels like I'm breaking down - that's the only way to describe it - and the drink keeps me together.
I've lost all confidence, which is affecting every aspect of my life, professional, personal, social. This makes me feel depressed. Any hope of achieving any aspirations I have seems to be blocked by this anxiety. I guess I was somewhat in denial about this until recently, hoping it would just go away. Instead it's got much worse. It now feels like I'm losing control. That scares me, as I don't know what's happening.
Answer
What you really fear is that you're losing your mind. You're not. But yes, in one way, you are losing control. What's happening is that denial is breaking down. Some emotional issue has come knocking on the door of your conscious mind. And it's demanding to be let in.
That's what anxiety is all about. It signals to us that we have feelings we're ignoring. That can be something as simple as feeling anxious about an exam because we know, deep down, that we're not studying enough. Or something more complicated, like the real reason you're so anxious in social situations - which isn't immediately apparent to you. You don't know what's wrong, because you've buried it so successfully that your anxiety seems illogical to you - which is why you're so afraid.
Believe me, all emotions are entirely logical. And the stronger the anxiety, the more important the issue which lies behind it. Instead of being so afraid of what's happening, honour your mind's obvious desire to deal with this hidden issue. Instead of trying to deaden the anxiety with drink, pay it due heed. It's just the emotional equivalent of having a high temperature, or a terrible pain, although obviously scarier. You're right. You were in denial. The good news is that now you're not. Find a therapist and work it out.
I Fancy My Boss And He Knows It
18th May, 2008
Question
I am single, in my mid '30's, and have recently started a new career. I've had a few difficult years and am finally getting back on track.
I had decided I was going to really focus on my new work direction and put everything into it. And that's what I did. However, there has been a development that I wasn't expecting.
I have really fallen for our personnel manager who is also single, and a couple of years younger. I think he is aware of the effect he has on me, which makes me feel like some silly schoolgirl. The intensity of the attraction I feel when I'm around him obviously shows in my body language. One of my colleagues also joked about it, and the manager overheard him, but he just smiled and carried on as professional as usual.
I now feel self-conscious around him and my feelings sometimes seem unbearable. I don't believe he's attracted to me, but I think he really likes and respects me. How do I deal with these feelings when I have to work alongside this man?
Answer
I don't see a disaster. Yes, I've heard you, and I know you're not comfortable. But the picture I'm receiving is a very attractive one. You fancy your manager, he's cool about it, likes and respects you, and the relationship remains professional. How bad can that be?
No, I'm not making fun of you. I'm just saying that in this hard-boiled, knowing, jaded world, isn't it rather wonderful to fall for someone, show it, maintain his respect - and feel like a teenager at thirty-something years of age?
This particular man may not fancy you back. Or perhaps he's too professional to get involved, especially at this early stage in your new career. But what you see as your vulnerability, foolishness even, obviously looks good to the outside world. Dare I use that old-fashioned word 'cute'? Or has Brendan O'Connor ruined it for all time as judge on 'You're A Star?
What I'm basically saying is simple: You can't change your feelings. They'll ease in time if unrequited. You can't change your non-verbal communication either. You're transparent - a trait which I'm trying to tell you is terribly attractive. You can, however, retain your dignity, which is really all that matters. And you do that by accepting who and how you are. Being comfortable in your skin, the French call it.
You're being treated kindly by those around you. Can't you settle for that? Nobody is at war with you. Why war with yourself?
Question
I am single, in my mid '30's, and have recently started a new career. I've had a few difficult years and am finally getting back on track.
I had decided I was going to really focus on my new work direction and put everything into it. And that's what I did. However, there has been a development that I wasn't expecting.
I have really fallen for our personnel manager who is also single, and a couple of years younger. I think he is aware of the effect he has on me, which makes me feel like some silly schoolgirl. The intensity of the attraction I feel when I'm around him obviously shows in my body language. One of my colleagues also joked about it, and the manager overheard him, but he just smiled and carried on as professional as usual.
I now feel self-conscious around him and my feelings sometimes seem unbearable. I don't believe he's attracted to me, but I think he really likes and respects me. How do I deal with these feelings when I have to work alongside this man?
Answer
I don't see a disaster. Yes, I've heard you, and I know you're not comfortable. But the picture I'm receiving is a very attractive one. You fancy your manager, he's cool about it, likes and respects you, and the relationship remains professional. How bad can that be?
No, I'm not making fun of you. I'm just saying that in this hard-boiled, knowing, jaded world, isn't it rather wonderful to fall for someone, show it, maintain his respect - and feel like a teenager at thirty-something years of age?
This particular man may not fancy you back. Or perhaps he's too professional to get involved, especially at this early stage in your new career. But what you see as your vulnerability, foolishness even, obviously looks good to the outside world. Dare I use that old-fashioned word 'cute'? Or has Brendan O'Connor ruined it for all time as judge on 'You're A Star?
What I'm basically saying is simple: You can't change your feelings. They'll ease in time if unrequited. You can't change your non-verbal communication either. You're transparent - a trait which I'm trying to tell you is terribly attractive. You can, however, retain your dignity, which is really all that matters. And you do that by accepting who and how you are. Being comfortable in your skin, the French call it.
You're being treated kindly by those around you. Can't you settle for that? Nobody is at war with you. Why war with yourself?
Because I'm Worth It
27th April, 2008
Question
I'm in my late '50's and last year went to the dentist who said I'd have to have all my top teeth removed as I had gum disease. I'm now wearing a full denture on top which I absolutely hate.
I've reared a large family and never had much money to spend on myself. But I made enquiries and could have some tooth implants done abroad for around 9,000 euros. I could get a Credit Union loan and pay it back over a couple of years. Do you think I'd be mad to do it? I know my husband would - think I'm mad I mean - but he's a bit tight anyway. If I went ahead with my plan I wouldn't tell him until the last minute, so he couldn't stop me.
I've lost confidence since I got these dentures and worry about them flying out of my mouth. Imagine if I was in a car crash! I look good for my age, and I really think it would give me a new lease of life and the confidence to face old age. What do you think? And to everyone out there, look after your teeth.
For someone like me, 9000 euros is a lot of money and I'm afraid I'll regret it. But I think I'm worth it, as the advert says.
Answer
Go for it. I know nothing of tooth implants, I mean in a professional sense. But I'm sure you've done your homework, checked this dentist out, talked to others who've availed of the service, sussed out modern dentists here, weighed up your options. That's not what you're asking me about. You're not appealing to me for dental expertise. You're asking me if you should take a bold and life-affirming step and I'm saying yes you should, whatever dentist you decide on.
One of the scourges of poverty - and I mean the penny-pinching variety - is that it makes cowards of us all. Having to always watch where money goes, shuts down our impetuousness. It stops us taking chances. It confines the spirit.
One of the many important lessons I learned from my old friend Eoghan Harris was not about politics, but about the need to celebrate. It was the time before the Celtic Tiger, money was tight, it was coming up to Christmas, and the media were preaching financial prudence. Eoghan dissented.
He argued instead that celebration is sustenance for the spirit, and essential to true survival, pointing out that almost everyone had an element of disposable income, however tiny, or credit that could be had, however modest. So although Brown Thomas's might be a no-go area, and there could be no big presents for the kids, there was still Hector Grey's, that precursor of the pound shops now sadly gone, with its cheap decorations, trinkets, silly treats, sparkle, shiny paper, small surprises, endless stocking fillers. He was not preaching fecklessness. Nor am I, when I tell you to go for it.
Courage is like a muscle. You have to exercise it regularly to keep it strong. And you've been doing that all your life. You and your husband made it happen for your children by working hard and watching those pennies. In getting your teeth done, you're just changing the exercise. It's still saying yes to life.
I only have one thought about it all. Wouldn't it be nice to give your husband the chance to celebrate too? It's your beauty, and energy and determination we're talking about here. And he's shared that with you all your married life. Could you muster the confidence to let him share this too? I know you're wary of telling him because you're not confident enough in yourself. Could you collect that self-confidence? Wouldn't that be the icing on the cake? Worth a chance?
Question
I'm in my late '50's and last year went to the dentist who said I'd have to have all my top teeth removed as I had gum disease. I'm now wearing a full denture on top which I absolutely hate.
I've reared a large family and never had much money to spend on myself. But I made enquiries and could have some tooth implants done abroad for around 9,000 euros. I could get a Credit Union loan and pay it back over a couple of years. Do you think I'd be mad to do it? I know my husband would - think I'm mad I mean - but he's a bit tight anyway. If I went ahead with my plan I wouldn't tell him until the last minute, so he couldn't stop me.
I've lost confidence since I got these dentures and worry about them flying out of my mouth. Imagine if I was in a car crash! I look good for my age, and I really think it would give me a new lease of life and the confidence to face old age. What do you think? And to everyone out there, look after your teeth.
For someone like me, 9000 euros is a lot of money and I'm afraid I'll regret it. But I think I'm worth it, as the advert says.
Answer
Go for it. I know nothing of tooth implants, I mean in a professional sense. But I'm sure you've done your homework, checked this dentist out, talked to others who've availed of the service, sussed out modern dentists here, weighed up your options. That's not what you're asking me about. You're not appealing to me for dental expertise. You're asking me if you should take a bold and life-affirming step and I'm saying yes you should, whatever dentist you decide on.
One of the scourges of poverty - and I mean the penny-pinching variety - is that it makes cowards of us all. Having to always watch where money goes, shuts down our impetuousness. It stops us taking chances. It confines the spirit.
One of the many important lessons I learned from my old friend Eoghan Harris was not about politics, but about the need to celebrate. It was the time before the Celtic Tiger, money was tight, it was coming up to Christmas, and the media were preaching financial prudence. Eoghan dissented.
He argued instead that celebration is sustenance for the spirit, and essential to true survival, pointing out that almost everyone had an element of disposable income, however tiny, or credit that could be had, however modest. So although Brown Thomas's might be a no-go area, and there could be no big presents for the kids, there was still Hector Grey's, that precursor of the pound shops now sadly gone, with its cheap decorations, trinkets, silly treats, sparkle, shiny paper, small surprises, endless stocking fillers. He was not preaching fecklessness. Nor am I, when I tell you to go for it.
Courage is like a muscle. You have to exercise it regularly to keep it strong. And you've been doing that all your life. You and your husband made it happen for your children by working hard and watching those pennies. In getting your teeth done, you're just changing the exercise. It's still saying yes to life.
I only have one thought about it all. Wouldn't it be nice to give your husband the chance to celebrate too? It's your beauty, and energy and determination we're talking about here. And he's shared that with you all your married life. Could you muster the confidence to let him share this too? I know you're wary of telling him because you're not confident enough in yourself. Could you collect that self-confidence? Wouldn't that be the icing on the cake? Worth a chance?
I'm Being Picked On At Work
20th January, 2008
Question
I'm 32 and the only woman in an all-male workplace. The job is kind of a 'man's job' and as such it has not been easy for me to pick up, or to stick with. But since day one, all of the guys have been brilliant and have done everything possible to help. I could not describe how much I love my work.
The problem is with one of the guys. He's quite arrogant and full of himself, but mostly because he's young, as opposed to being a jerk. He's chatty and funny and I used to get on fairly well with him. Everybody else still does. He's a bit condescending towards everyone, but in a joking way, not nastily. However, he seems to have spotted that he can get away with more when it comes to me. He constantly puts me down, pointing out my every mistake and criticising everything I do. I'm not a confident person anyway, and am more than happy to believe anyone who tells me I'm useless. When this happens fifty times a day it wears me down.
As I say, he's not nasty or vindictive. If he was, he would probably be easier to deal with. He's just young and arrogant. A lot of the time he tells me I'm doing something wrong simply because it's not the way he would do it himself. I could constantly defend myself, but most of the time it's about something too petty to waste energy on. Anyway, I find bickering as wearing as anything else, especially as he can't let himself lose an argument.
I often feel like having a real go at him but know I would feel bad afterwards as I suppose his behaviour is typical of someone actually fairly insecure. I'm sure I've put other people down in the past to make myself feel bigger - most of us probably have. I have pointed out to him several times that he is constantly criticising me and he genuinely seemed taken aback and then made an effort to stop. This never lasted more than a few days. He can't help himself.
I've tried keeping my distance, but since we're such a small group, it's hard to stay away from someone without making it too obvious and creating an atmosphere. So I find myself cutting myself off from everyone else too. I try to carry on as normal, but I'm retreating more and more into my corner, and getting more and more depressed.
I felt so bad earlier last year that I decided to leave. I made several excuses as to why I was going, but my boss told me to reconsider. I managed to make myself get over it, but now feel as bad again. I can't tell anyone at work. The lads would say I'm an hysterical woman! And I don't want to create any trouble. Anyway, I'm not fooling myself that the problem is my work-mate. I know it's me. That's why I'm such an easy target in the first place. It's also the reason I can't come up with a better way of dealing with the situation.
I know I sound dramatic. This is not the world's greatest problem and maybe I'm overreacting. But I love my job, it's very important to me, and the thought of leaving really gets me down.
Answer
You're right. There's a young male in your group, picking on the only woman around as he scrambles for position in the pecking order. You've analysed the problem well. You know that this young man's behaviour says everything about him and nothing about you. He's operating from a position of insecurity, or the ignorance and thoughtless arrogance of youth.
It's fascinating isn't it? He tries it on with the others and they're not impressed. But when he nags at you, you're ready to leave a job you love. You feel vulnerable, despite all the commonsense your brain is delivering to you. This happens a lot. We can be mature in our heads and still feel like a jelly in our hearts.
Insight is a necessary step to self-change. It is not the whole process. We have to learn to feel different too. Your brain has the self-confidence to see what's really going on. But that horrible voice at the back of your head, the one which holds sway over how you feel about yourself, is denying the truth. Instead, it continues to insist that you're inferior.
The reason that internal negative voice wins out is simple. It is an echo of negative messages we got when we were too young to contradict them. More importantly, those negative messages of our childhood were emotional messages, rather than just verbal ones. For example, when a young girl is told she's ugly by her mother, it's not the words that convince her. What hammers home the message is her mother's distaste, dislike, distance, dismissal, rejection, revulsion, which accompanies the words. And it's not primarily the young girl's mind which receives this message about her ugliness, but rather her heart, her sense of herself.
It therefore makes sense that it's our feelings about ourselves we have to change. Seeing the truth of a situation is, as I said, the first step. You've done that. Now for the next move.
Life is a lot about a leap of faith. Certainly change is. In concrete terms, you have to start acting as though you believed in yourself. You have to trust your brain, your correct analysis of the situation at work, and act accordingly. Put another way, you need to go against your inner feelings, just on trust. Because the only alternative, as you've said, is to leave the job. And you don't want to do that.
You have a busy little mosquito buzzing around your ear at work. You don't want to beat him to death because yes, it would be over-kill, and the group would feel uncomfortable. You do, however, have to bat him away. You're right. It's exhausting fighting your corner all the time. And it would wear anyone down to be constantly nagged at. So simply ignoring him isn't going to work.
Being nasty is an alternative, but not nice. All of us are capable of being bullies. Only the unhappiest amongst us settle for that role.
As a rather intense and serious young woman, it took time for me to learn the power of humour as a means of resolving sticky situations. I used to argue, instruct, list facts, explain, question, outline my position, and talk ad nauseum, to precisely no effect whatsoever. I was missing the point. People weren't bugging or opposing me for factual reasons - except perhaps when it came to negotiations about power and money. They were doing so for emotional reasons. Reasoning was a waste of time. Anger was unbecoming. Then I discovered humour. The beauty of it was that I could be steel, but yet go softly.
Could you try it? I can't write your lines for you. Each of us has a unique style. But could you approach this young man's behaviour with a clear message couched in humour? He's prepared to listen. You've found that out already when he backed off for a while. It's just that his emotional desire to show off drives him back to nagging you. You need to touch on this truth, namely his desire to shine, without being offensive. It probably won't be a once-off either. It will require a bantering theme, saying the same thing a few times, until he gets the message. Are you prepared to make that leap of faith in yourself and let this baby of the bunch know he doesn't have to prove himself? I do hope so.
Question
I'm 32 and the only woman in an all-male workplace. The job is kind of a 'man's job' and as such it has not been easy for me to pick up, or to stick with. But since day one, all of the guys have been brilliant and have done everything possible to help. I could not describe how much I love my work.
The problem is with one of the guys. He's quite arrogant and full of himself, but mostly because he's young, as opposed to being a jerk. He's chatty and funny and I used to get on fairly well with him. Everybody else still does. He's a bit condescending towards everyone, but in a joking way, not nastily. However, he seems to have spotted that he can get away with more when it comes to me. He constantly puts me down, pointing out my every mistake and criticising everything I do. I'm not a confident person anyway, and am more than happy to believe anyone who tells me I'm useless. When this happens fifty times a day it wears me down.
As I say, he's not nasty or vindictive. If he was, he would probably be easier to deal with. He's just young and arrogant. A lot of the time he tells me I'm doing something wrong simply because it's not the way he would do it himself. I could constantly defend myself, but most of the time it's about something too petty to waste energy on. Anyway, I find bickering as wearing as anything else, especially as he can't let himself lose an argument.
I often feel like having a real go at him but know I would feel bad afterwards as I suppose his behaviour is typical of someone actually fairly insecure. I'm sure I've put other people down in the past to make myself feel bigger - most of us probably have. I have pointed out to him several times that he is constantly criticising me and he genuinely seemed taken aback and then made an effort to stop. This never lasted more than a few days. He can't help himself.
I've tried keeping my distance, but since we're such a small group, it's hard to stay away from someone without making it too obvious and creating an atmosphere. So I find myself cutting myself off from everyone else too. I try to carry on as normal, but I'm retreating more and more into my corner, and getting more and more depressed.
I felt so bad earlier last year that I decided to leave. I made several excuses as to why I was going, but my boss told me to reconsider. I managed to make myself get over it, but now feel as bad again. I can't tell anyone at work. The lads would say I'm an hysterical woman! And I don't want to create any trouble. Anyway, I'm not fooling myself that the problem is my work-mate. I know it's me. That's why I'm such an easy target in the first place. It's also the reason I can't come up with a better way of dealing with the situation.
I know I sound dramatic. This is not the world's greatest problem and maybe I'm overreacting. But I love my job, it's very important to me, and the thought of leaving really gets me down.
Answer
You're right. There's a young male in your group, picking on the only woman around as he scrambles for position in the pecking order. You've analysed the problem well. You know that this young man's behaviour says everything about him and nothing about you. He's operating from a position of insecurity, or the ignorance and thoughtless arrogance of youth.
It's fascinating isn't it? He tries it on with the others and they're not impressed. But when he nags at you, you're ready to leave a job you love. You feel vulnerable, despite all the commonsense your brain is delivering to you. This happens a lot. We can be mature in our heads and still feel like a jelly in our hearts.
Insight is a necessary step to self-change. It is not the whole process. We have to learn to feel different too. Your brain has the self-confidence to see what's really going on. But that horrible voice at the back of your head, the one which holds sway over how you feel about yourself, is denying the truth. Instead, it continues to insist that you're inferior.
The reason that internal negative voice wins out is simple. It is an echo of negative messages we got when we were too young to contradict them. More importantly, those negative messages of our childhood were emotional messages, rather than just verbal ones. For example, when a young girl is told she's ugly by her mother, it's not the words that convince her. What hammers home the message is her mother's distaste, dislike, distance, dismissal, rejection, revulsion, which accompanies the words. And it's not primarily the young girl's mind which receives this message about her ugliness, but rather her heart, her sense of herself.
It therefore makes sense that it's our feelings about ourselves we have to change. Seeing the truth of a situation is, as I said, the first step. You've done that. Now for the next move.
Life is a lot about a leap of faith. Certainly change is. In concrete terms, you have to start acting as though you believed in yourself. You have to trust your brain, your correct analysis of the situation at work, and act accordingly. Put another way, you need to go against your inner feelings, just on trust. Because the only alternative, as you've said, is to leave the job. And you don't want to do that.
You have a busy little mosquito buzzing around your ear at work. You don't want to beat him to death because yes, it would be over-kill, and the group would feel uncomfortable. You do, however, have to bat him away. You're right. It's exhausting fighting your corner all the time. And it would wear anyone down to be constantly nagged at. So simply ignoring him isn't going to work.
Being nasty is an alternative, but not nice. All of us are capable of being bullies. Only the unhappiest amongst us settle for that role.
As a rather intense and serious young woman, it took time for me to learn the power of humour as a means of resolving sticky situations. I used to argue, instruct, list facts, explain, question, outline my position, and talk ad nauseum, to precisely no effect whatsoever. I was missing the point. People weren't bugging or opposing me for factual reasons - except perhaps when it came to negotiations about power and money. They were doing so for emotional reasons. Reasoning was a waste of time. Anger was unbecoming. Then I discovered humour. The beauty of it was that I could be steel, but yet go softly.
Could you try it? I can't write your lines for you. Each of us has a unique style. But could you approach this young man's behaviour with a clear message couched in humour? He's prepared to listen. You've found that out already when he backed off for a while. It's just that his emotional desire to show off drives him back to nagging you. You need to touch on this truth, namely his desire to shine, without being offensive. It probably won't be a once-off either. It will require a bantering theme, saying the same thing a few times, until he gets the message. Are you prepared to make that leap of faith in yourself and let this baby of the bunch know he doesn't have to prove himself? I do hope so.
I Have A Lot Of Stress In My Life
6th January, 2008
Question
I'm a 24 year old girl and have a lot of stress in my life at the moment. I'm from the country, studying in Dublin, and have just lost my part-time job. It seems any job I apply for doesn't work out. My parents have no answers. They just tell me it's my fault if I can't get along with a boss or work colleagues.
College life doesn't seem to be going too great either. I'm going to have to repeat my exams. And I don't have any close friends. They all have boyfriends and a busy social life. I don't know why all of this is going so wrong for me. What can I do?
Answer
It sounds to me as though you've chosen a hard and lonely road, which is giving you great grief. Sometimes we make a mistake, and then battle for years to try and get it right, unable or unwilling to acknowledge the wrong turning that we took. Has that happened to you?
I don't know enough about you to do anything more than guess. Maybe college in Dublin wasn't a great idea, too costly, too far from home, too removed from school and neighbourhood friends. Or maybe the college course was too hard, or uninspiring and uninteresting to you. Maybe it was the right course but the wrong college, too dispersed, too impersonal, too hard for you to fit in. Maybe you tried to please others when you made your college choice. Or maybe you just felt college was the thing to do. It seems impossible to avoid these days, even though going to college most certainly isn't the right course for everyone.
When you feel like a square peg in a round hole in one part of your life - say in your case your college course - then we run the risk of messing everything up. Feeling like an alien in some important part of our lives shakes our self-confidence, our sense of ourselves, our belief in our own abilities. Do you understand? You sound lost, out of touch with yourself, and I know how easily that can happen when we make choices in life that are not wise, not in our own best interest.
Take a long look at why you're doing what you're doing, why you are where you are, and then decide it it's the right place to be. And don't be so alone. If your parents don't understand, or are just dismissive, talk to the college counsellor, or find someone else to confide in like an aunt, or a granny, or an old friend, or a brother.
Question
I'm a 24 year old girl and have a lot of stress in my life at the moment. I'm from the country, studying in Dublin, and have just lost my part-time job. It seems any job I apply for doesn't work out. My parents have no answers. They just tell me it's my fault if I can't get along with a boss or work colleagues.
College life doesn't seem to be going too great either. I'm going to have to repeat my exams. And I don't have any close friends. They all have boyfriends and a busy social life. I don't know why all of this is going so wrong for me. What can I do?
Answer
It sounds to me as though you've chosen a hard and lonely road, which is giving you great grief. Sometimes we make a mistake, and then battle for years to try and get it right, unable or unwilling to acknowledge the wrong turning that we took. Has that happened to you?
I don't know enough about you to do anything more than guess. Maybe college in Dublin wasn't a great idea, too costly, too far from home, too removed from school and neighbourhood friends. Or maybe the college course was too hard, or uninspiring and uninteresting to you. Maybe it was the right course but the wrong college, too dispersed, too impersonal, too hard for you to fit in. Maybe you tried to please others when you made your college choice. Or maybe you just felt college was the thing to do. It seems impossible to avoid these days, even though going to college most certainly isn't the right course for everyone.
When you feel like a square peg in a round hole in one part of your life - say in your case your college course - then we run the risk of messing everything up. Feeling like an alien in some important part of our lives shakes our self-confidence, our sense of ourselves, our belief in our own abilities. Do you understand? You sound lost, out of touch with yourself, and I know how easily that can happen when we make choices in life that are not wise, not in our own best interest.
Take a long look at why you're doing what you're doing, why you are where you are, and then decide it it's the right place to be. And don't be so alone. If your parents don't understand, or are just dismissive, talk to the college counsellor, or find someone else to confide in like an aunt, or a granny, or an old friend, or a brother.
I Get Panic Attacks
19th July, 2009
Question
I'm a mother of four in my mid-thirties. I have a kind and caring husband and a secure job. I have everything I could ever want, yet I'm unhappy.
I've always suffered from anxiety and panic attacks in certain social situations. In the past year, however, they have become particularly bad at work. I find it very difficult to communicate with management in particular, often becoming a trembling wreck at meetings. As I result I am somewhat sidelined. My awkwardness is too hard for them to handle. They certainly must think that I'm very odd and peculiar. At times I think they would probably be happier if I left.
My panic attacks make me tremble, I get shortness of breath, and I cannot hold a normal conversation. I feel jittery, and wish the ground would open and swallow me up. They are awful, leave me wrecked for days, and people don't know what to make of me. I know I lack self-confidence, have little faith in myself, and find it hard to make decisions. But my anxiety attacks only occur when I'm with people who I feel are better than I am. I just feel inadequate and inferior around certain individuals. And once I have a panic attack around a person, I can never get back to being normal with them.
I want my children to have a confident mother who believes in herself. I want to be someone they can believe in and rely on. I sometimes think they would be better off if I was gone. And sometimes all this makes me angry, and I end up taking that anger out on them, and on my husband. I don't want this to happen.
The only way I seem to be able to alleviate my distress is by over-eating. This works temporarily, but only makes me feel worse in the long-term. I've tried counselling and didn't stick with it. Why do I feel so bad?
Answer
You've given me the answer yourself. You feel bad because you have a specific problem which you are failing to tackle. And it's not the problem itself which leads you to comfort eating and depressive thoughts. It's your refusal to face it. You dislike the fact that you're not getting on top of your panic attacks.
First off let's be clear: Panic attacks are hard to handle. Once they occur, not only do you feel awful, those around you feel awkward, just as you describe it. A panic attack is a kind of no-win situation. That's why it's important to work on what leads up to it. The whole idea is to avoid the panic happening in the first place. No, that doesn't mean leaving the work-force. It does mean facing down the fear you feel when confronted by those you see as superior.
Can I say something else. Fear itself is not the problem. Everyone feels fearful or anxious about something – including dealing with those in authority. The problem is the extent of your anxiety, the fact that it is real terror. That's what you feel is inappropriate. And I suppose the world in general, including your work colleagues, would see it as inappropriate too. We all recognise the scenario where someone is scared silly of say going into a meeting and the rest of the gang give her support. A panic attack, however, goes beyond that scenario. It's pure terror, where such terror is seen as over-the-top. I mean you're not standing in the middle of a towering inferno.
The point is, from your perspective, it is exactly like facing a towering inferno. You have learned, sometime when you were young and vulnerable, to effectively fear for your life when confronted with those you see as superior. To your unconscious mind, facing such situations is a life or death situation. Your entire emotional safety seems at stake. I don't know who or what made you so scared. But something or someone did. That's not your fault. It is, however, your responsibility as an adult to face that fact and do something about it.
Stop beating yourself up. Stop over-eating. Stop thinking your kids need a better mum. Acknowledge, instead, the bravery of fighting against the odds. Pay due regard to the fact that your terror has true meaning for you, is not irrational given your internal reality, and can only be fought if you first of all respect it. You can of course beat it. But first of all you have to explore its source, change that internal reality if you like. To do that, I would suggest, you should seek help. It's a hard battle on your own. Why put yourself through such unnecessary hardship? Why be so unkind to yourself? It's neither fair, nor appropriate.
Question
I'm a mother of four in my mid-thirties. I have a kind and caring husband and a secure job. I have everything I could ever want, yet I'm unhappy.
I've always suffered from anxiety and panic attacks in certain social situations. In the past year, however, they have become particularly bad at work. I find it very difficult to communicate with management in particular, often becoming a trembling wreck at meetings. As I result I am somewhat sidelined. My awkwardness is too hard for them to handle. They certainly must think that I'm very odd and peculiar. At times I think they would probably be happier if I left.
My panic attacks make me tremble, I get shortness of breath, and I cannot hold a normal conversation. I feel jittery, and wish the ground would open and swallow me up. They are awful, leave me wrecked for days, and people don't know what to make of me. I know I lack self-confidence, have little faith in myself, and find it hard to make decisions. But my anxiety attacks only occur when I'm with people who I feel are better than I am. I just feel inadequate and inferior around certain individuals. And once I have a panic attack around a person, I can never get back to being normal with them.
I want my children to have a confident mother who believes in herself. I want to be someone they can believe in and rely on. I sometimes think they would be better off if I was gone. And sometimes all this makes me angry, and I end up taking that anger out on them, and on my husband. I don't want this to happen.
The only way I seem to be able to alleviate my distress is by over-eating. This works temporarily, but only makes me feel worse in the long-term. I've tried counselling and didn't stick with it. Why do I feel so bad?
Answer
You've given me the answer yourself. You feel bad because you have a specific problem which you are failing to tackle. And it's not the problem itself which leads you to comfort eating and depressive thoughts. It's your refusal to face it. You dislike the fact that you're not getting on top of your panic attacks.
First off let's be clear: Panic attacks are hard to handle. Once they occur, not only do you feel awful, those around you feel awkward, just as you describe it. A panic attack is a kind of no-win situation. That's why it's important to work on what leads up to it. The whole idea is to avoid the panic happening in the first place. No, that doesn't mean leaving the work-force. It does mean facing down the fear you feel when confronted by those you see as superior.
Can I say something else. Fear itself is not the problem. Everyone feels fearful or anxious about something – including dealing with those in authority. The problem is the extent of your anxiety, the fact that it is real terror. That's what you feel is inappropriate. And I suppose the world in general, including your work colleagues, would see it as inappropriate too. We all recognise the scenario where someone is scared silly of say going into a meeting and the rest of the gang give her support. A panic attack, however, goes beyond that scenario. It's pure terror, where such terror is seen as over-the-top. I mean you're not standing in the middle of a towering inferno.
The point is, from your perspective, it is exactly like facing a towering inferno. You have learned, sometime when you were young and vulnerable, to effectively fear for your life when confronted with those you see as superior. To your unconscious mind, facing such situations is a life or death situation. Your entire emotional safety seems at stake. I don't know who or what made you so scared. But something or someone did. That's not your fault. It is, however, your responsibility as an adult to face that fact and do something about it.
Stop beating yourself up. Stop over-eating. Stop thinking your kids need a better mum. Acknowledge, instead, the bravery of fighting against the odds. Pay due regard to the fact that your terror has true meaning for you, is not irrational given your internal reality, and can only be fought if you first of all respect it. You can of course beat it. But first of all you have to explore its source, change that internal reality if you like. To do that, I would suggest, you should seek help. It's a hard battle on your own. Why put yourself through such unnecessary hardship? Why be so unkind to yourself? It's neither fair, nor appropriate.
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