My Husband Can't Get An Erection

Question

I am a middle-aged woman married a good few years. My children are good kids who have caused very little worries. And my husband is a good man. However, he has erectile problems.

When I broach the subject I am told that he will do something about it. I don't say it to him constantly - as in nagging him - because I don't want to make him feel bad. But Patricia, sometimes I could just pick up the first man I see and do it with him, no emotions attached. If it were that easy, and guaranteed to have no repercussions, believe me, I would do it. Just for the sex, which I didn't realise was important to me until it was gone. I think about sex all the time. I try to keep busy, but the thoughts remain.

My husband has no sexual feelings anymore. We could try other things I know, but I miss the passion, the lust. I miss the feeling of being wanted. And it has affected our relationship. I know I harbour some resentment. I think that if he loved me, he would try and do something about it. Even if there was no solution, at least he would have tried. He's already said, several times, that if this was a permanent medical condition, I would have to accept it.

I have thought of leaving, but too many people would be hurt. My youngest is still at school. And the older one likes to come back to this secure world we have in our home. Yet I think that life is slipping me by. I do realise that any decision I make will affect a lot of people. But I find it hard to accept that this is it. No more sex for the rest of my life. Imagine. I never thought this could happen. I know the decision is mine and mine alone, but it would be nice to have someone tell me what to do.

Answer
Ok. I'll tell you what to do. Stop pussyfooting around. Stop worrying about making your husband feel bad. Sit him down and say your piece clearly. It's not nagging. It's a reality-check. If he were drinking too much would you let it go? If he was gambling the house-keeping money would you worry about sounding shrill? If he beat you, would you quietly hide the bruises? No, no, and no. Reneging on sex may be omission, rather than deed. It still has to be tackled.

I know you've tried it before. It's also clear that a one-off discussion is not enough. But you need to say it again, all of it. You are right. It's the fact that your husband is not trying which really hurts. He's quick to say that if it's a medical condition, you would have to accept it. The whole point, however, is that you don't know what's wrong. And until you know, you can't make any clear decisions. You say that your husband has lost interest in sex. Perhaps he has. Or perhaps that's a defence mechanism in the face of his erectile problems. He's loath to have it checked out. So it may seem easier to close down his desire - for him anyway. And then the passion is gone - which is the hardest thing of all to bear. A passionate man with a technical problem could still satisfy you. Not wanting you and just going through the motions is the unbearable bit.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to be insistent in the face of someone's reluctance, without being unkind. My guess is that your husband is terribly scared. He's scared about his health, about his sexuality, about his self-esteem and status as a man. He's also scared about the implications for his relationship with you. However unconsciously, he's picked up your restlessness. Consciously, he's aware of your resentment. Foolishly he's burying his head in the sand, which of course only inflames the situation. So when you talk to him, tell him you're in this together. Tell him this isn't a question of blame, but of finding out the truth, so that the problem can be dealt with. Tell him you want your marriage not only to continue, but to continue with love and dignity and kindness and respect. And that that is only possible if he takes your distress seriously enough to seek medical help. Because that's the truth. You want to wander, but only out of frustration, hurt and desperation. Seeing him love you enough to conquer his reluctance would make a big difference.

And then persist. Talking, and then playing happy families, doesn't work. The issue must remain on the table. Otherwise, as you've said yourself, silent resentment takes over, and it is emotionally corrosive and entirely non-productive. You can give your husband a couple of weeks to digest all you've said, and then you have to tell him again, quietly but clearly, that you need him to move. The time-frame of patience is up to you. So is the decision about what to do. All you owe your husband, your marriage and yourself, is clarity. He has to know it's serious.

I Don't Fancy My Fiance

Question

I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost four years. We moved in together after six months and he proposed to me last autumn. We are getting married shortly and it's all very exciting. I'm 35 years old and before meeting him I had a string of disastrous relationships and felt very damaged when it came to men in general.

I love him, but the sex in our relationship has never been great. I never felt a strong sexual attraction to him, although I find him physically attractive, if that makes any sense. Since we started living together we've become very close but almost in a way that is empty of any romance. We are very affectionate to each other, kiss and hug a lot, but when it comes to anything else, the desire on both sides just don't seem to be there. He lost his job last summer and since then we've spent even more time together because I work shifts, but business has slowed down recently. I wonder has this exacerbated the situation as he is not feeling wonderful, and I think his self-esteem is a bit low.

I have only felt a really strong sex drive with men who were emotionally completely unavailable to me. Now this wonderful caring devoted man loves me and I can't seem to feel any desire for sex at all. Not that he is trying. We stayed for a few days in a friend's house recently - a long-weekend break, and he half initiated sex and I kind of backed off. When we got home, having had no sex at all, we had a huge argument and I said I didn't feel we were sexually compatible and neither did he. But then we made up and said we loved each other so much we were going to seek help. The wedding is in two months and I'm very worried about this. I contacted a marriage counsellor who suggested we come as a couple. This didn't bother me, but my fiancé did not want that. We're now organising separate consultations.

I have a feeling he expects our sex life to be like sex he would have had in the past when it wasn't a serious relationship - you know, spontaneous and exciting. I agree it could be like that in a loving relationship, but have continually tried to emphasize the point that we need to set the mood. He doesn't seem to get that. A typical night in, even when I try to wear something sexy, would be dinner, followed by sitting in front of the TV, with maybe him drifting off to go on the computer. Like I said, we're just seeing too much of each other lately, which I think is a big part of the problem.

To the outside world we look like the perfect couple, but I'm really scared that if we don't look into this now, and hopefully get some help, we will have major problems in the future and I really would love our marriage to last!! I would love someone to wave a magic wand because the rest of the relationship is fabulous. He is thoughtful and kind and adores me and I can't imagine my life without him.

Answer
Magic wands don't exist. It's hard graft when it comes to solving relationship difficulties I'm afraid. You both have to stop dodging. At the moment your letter - and hence your head - is so full of contradictions that it's hard to know where to begin. Let me ask some questions, which might help you sort it out.

I have no idea what's going on in your boyfriend's head. You don't know either, otherwise you would have told me. He has to speak. Is he interested in sex? Has he given up approaching you because you constantly turn him down? In other words, is he drifting off to the computer in the evenings because of despair or disinterest? And when did he give up trying? Is this a new development or a long-standing situation? Is he worried about how it will all pan out in marriage? What, exactly, is his solution? Why did he refuse a joint counselling session? Does he really not want to go at all? Or has he things to say he doesn't want to say to you? Or, on his part anyway, has this nothing to do with sex drive as such and everything to do with his current job situation? Is he depressed? Ask him.

You are far from clear about yourself too. You tell me you never felt much sexual desire for this man. And you know from experience that you can feel desire. You even have the important insight that you desired damaging men, but don't fancy this good man, who loves you. This is not about your boyfriend setting the scene for sex. It's not about candles, foreplay or the whispering of sweet nothings. It's an emotional block inside your own psyche, a wound in your heart and mind. No, of course I'm not blaming you. I'm just trying to explain that your sexual disinterest in the man you love is a problem you must solve for yourself - ideally with the help of a professional. It is your responsibility, not his.

I can see you care deeply for each other. But you are also both conflict-avoiders - and I don't mean you avoid rows. You avoid tricky issues. That means you're scared of having differences, or discussing painful issues. And it's not just sex. What do you say to each other about the fact that your boyfriend is a whole year out of work and you're getting married shortly? Are there concerned chats about money? How will you afford kids? Have you even talked about kids? It's time to take your courage in your hands and start talking - to each other.

My Wife Doesn't Want Sex

27th September, 2009

Question
My wife and I are the same age, 65. We have been married for forty years. For the past ten years she has refused to sleep with me. It was she who properly introduced me to sex and taught me how to make it work for her. She really enjoyed it for so many years of our married life. So did I.

Now she has lost interest. She says she can't bear being touched by me. We are both healthy. I know she loves me and I love her. My heart is broken and I have told her so. But she is not for turning. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. Is there anything I can do? Sex is not important. I just want her company.

Answer
Well, sex is important, but I know what you mean. It's the closeness that sex brings which you miss most. When the rule of 'no sex' enters a relationship, it usually includes a withdrawal from all physical affection. That makes boundaries easier to set. No misunderstandings. Yes, it's cruel. It's also cowardly. And it makes for a very emotionally lonely life. The sad thing is, both parties miss the cuddling, closeness and comfort.

Differing levels of sexual interest between husband and wife sets a challenge which few of us seem equipped to handle with any kind of sensitivity and kindness. And maybe for people of a certain age it carries a particular kind of sadness, because it becomes part of a more general sense of loss - or at least profound change - which comes with age. It always wounds deeply when a partner no longer desires us. If we're young, perhaps we can still turn heads, pull if we want to. But when a man is older? Or a woman?

Basically, neither men nor women are good at separating affection and intimacy from actual sexual intercourse, particularly when they have a history of being lovers. It's a huge step. Yet couples who love each other can, if one of them is ill. So perhaps it's first and foremost a question of accepting the validity of a partner not wanting to have sex for reasons other than obvious illness. Think about the husband who is too stressed to think straight, let alone feel lust. Or the menopausal woman who is crucified with hot flushes and a dry vagina. Or a general drop in libido, in either sex, which may have no apparent cause.

No, I'm not talking about giving up all hope of having sex again. I'm talking about handling the gaping hole which emerges when one partner pulls away. And I'm convinced two concepts hold the key, namely open acknowledgment of our vulnerability, and kindness, the kindness which makes sure that a partner is not left alone.

I hate it when people natter on about the importance of communication. So I won't go there. Engaging with someone enough to read their reality - their need, pain, anxiety, hope, is what matters. I suppose what I'm saying is that you have to try and lay yourself open to your wife - not about sex as such, but about the reality of your loneliness. She's blinded herself to you, because that is easier. The task is to kindle her kindness by letting her really see you.

My Husband Doesn't Want Sex

4th January, 2009

Question
My husband doesn't want to have sex. He's a 'cross-dresser' and an alcoholic. He had a penile implant two years ago, but still we don't have sex. I've left him twice, but decided to change my expectations, after over 20 years of being together, and continue my marriage. We never talk, just exchange the necessary comments about daily living.

I am now lonelier than ever. I just got back from a weekend away, on my own. My husband's job with an international company took him all over the world and he now just wants to stay at home. I had a wonderful time. I had pleasant conversations, enjoyed the scenery, and tried to hold onto the positive feelings coming home. But today I cried a lot, for the first time in a long time, feeling the emptiness of our relationship stronger than ever.

If you asked my husband, he would not want to leave me. He never indicates that in any way. I wish he would, though, since it would get me off the hook of leaving him again. We've both been to counsellors over the years, but always separately. I have no idea what he talks about, but I talk about my loneliness. I want to leave him, but I'm afraid of the emotional consequences. I don't know if I'm strong enough. Or perhaps I'm just too lazy.

The only way I can balance the marriage is by spending his money in return for doing all the work around the house, as well as maintaining a full-time job. He took early retirement two years ago. But money is not the answer of course. It doesn't fill my need to feel like a woman, along with all the other benefits of sex. In the back of my mind, the cross-dressing bothers me. He knows this and never exposes me to it. But the knowing itself is hard.

Answer
Don't go there. Into the cross-dressing I mean. You're not a victim. You've always known. In emotional terms, it's a cheap shot at shifting responsibility. It's also decidedly beside the point. Drop it.

Your failure to leave is not about laziness. You stay because, however marginally, it's more emotionally comfortable than leaving. That's not a criticism. Emotional comfort is not a cop-out. It can be a straight-jacket, but we'll deal with that in a moment.

Decisions should always be respected. You stay in your marriage because you need to stay. That need may be born of cowardice, lack of imagination, false hopes for change, perceived helplessness, or a misguided emphasis on issues such as respectability and social status. Even if any or all of that is true, you must respect such vulnerability. Fear is not foolish. Fear is also a guide, a helping hand in self-protection. It only eases, when we find another way of doing just that, namely emotionally protecting ourselves.

Your decision to stay could also be a question of wisdom. It is, quite objectively, very hard to step outside a long marriage - or even a not-so-long marriage. Familiarity brings huge rewards. And it's not just a question of that rather flippant saying that the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. You've carved out a place for yourself in your marriage. Certainly, it is lonely. But it is not just something that was 'done' to you. Your situation, sad as it is, was created by you too. Think of how you shaped yourself to fit in with the reality of who your husband is. Such self-shaping wasn't just superficial. It took enormous effort. No-one walks lightly away from such energy engagement.

People seem to find it hard to understand that a woman, or man, can miss a poor marriage partner. That's because everyone forgets the issue of choice. You chose your husband. You also chose to stay, or to return after leaving. Even a battered wife knows, deep down, that she chose that battering spouse. Sure, her choice came from a damaged part of her psyche, but she chose him all the same. And that's equally true when the hurt inflicted is psychological, rather than physical.

You also know that happiness doesn't just hit you the minute you close that marital door behind you. You've tried that. Happiness has to be won, by hard graft. The work entails changing our own inner selves, something you attempted when you talked about altering your expectations. It's also a job that is never finished. Happiness, in fact, is a daily task of self-discipline, digging deep inside ourselves to find meaning and contentment, learning to steer ourselves in the right direction, rather than waiting, in your case, for your husband to change, and throw you out.

I am not arguing that you should stay. I'm not even trying to hint at such a solution. I'm just saying that sometimes we can spend too much energy imagining a change in circumstances, and too little making the most of what is, for almost everyone, a very imperfect life. No, that's not a criticism either. It's a suggestion that you redirect your energy into creating true contentment where you can, and ditching as many areas of resentment as possible. For example, why do you do everything around the house? Why not a full-time housekeeper, gardener and handyman? Money much better spent compared to the short-lived comfort of retail therapy, not to mention eliminating the element of revenge.

You see. Practical changes are never just that, practical. They represent a huge emotional shift. No punishment, either of yourself or your husband. Just a systematic rewriting of the lines, or roles, or non-verbal communication - which is, of course, present, in spades.

My Husband Has No Interest In Sex

18th May 2008


Question
I'm married four years now to a wonderful husband, caring, considerate, a good provider, and we are great companions. We're both in our early '30's and have no children yet. The problem is that we've no sex life. He seems to have no drive at all.

I noticed this about 18 months into our relationship - we're together six years - when I gradually realised that I was always the sexual instigator. At the time I tried taking the back seat, waiting to see if he would initiate sex, but he never did. He never has. Things went rapidly downhill after that and sex became something which happened about every three months.

I've tried talking to him about it, we've fought, we've had long discussions, and every time it just makes him feel uncomfortable. It's so hard to get him to understand that sex is an important part of marriage, not the only thing that matters, but important, the absence of passion leading to such frustration in a relationship. I've even seen counsellors about it and suggested he come with me. But he'd rather boil his head in oil than involve a third party!

Right now we make love twice a month and that's because we're hoping for a baby. I've tried telling my husband that twice a month is not how it works to conceive, but there it is. At the risk of sounding terribly cruel, even our twice-monthly efforts are quite dull and awkward. I'm at the point where I believe he's just going through the motions to please me. And I've kind of resigned myself to the fact that he will never be the lover I desire.

To an outsider it may sound like he might be having an affair. He's not. Or that he might be gay. He's not. Or that he may not love me. He does. He loves me. I know that. He just doesn't feel the need to show it physically. I love him too and will stay in my marriage. I appreciate all the other ways he shows his love. I love his gentleness and his strength of character. I know he'll make a great father. I'm a better person because of him.

The scary thing is that I find myself fantasizing about having a lover on the side. I am very frustrated sexually and have quite a high libido. I lie in bed beside my husband at night picturing possible lovers and wild sex scenarios. I can hardly trust myself because my desires are so strong. I sometimes access pornography sites and they drive me wild for days thinking about what I've seen. I know that's not real life and it makes me feel quite bad and guilty, getting my kicks out of what my husband would see as sleaze.

I just don't know what to do. I can't ever see my sex life improving with my husband as it's been a problem so long now. I don't want to have an affair and jeopardize our marriage. Nor would I want to disgrace either him or myself by doing so. But my fantasies are constant and my desires are so strong. Sometimes it's overwhelming.

Answer
Is it possible to turn away from temptation? Is banishing of desire bearable? Can sex be sublimated? Are you strong enough to do without? Big questions, you're asking. All I can attempt is some factual feng shui, some emotional clearing out of the cupboards, some ordering of the issues which surround your distress.

You married your husband already knowing he had no interest in sex. At the time you clearly thought that you could manage it. Maybe you hoped he'd change. Maybe you were unaware of the depth of your own sexual desires. Maybe you put a higher value on all the good things about him - much as you are still doing now - and thought you'd manage. Or maybe you just buried your head in the sand, sleep-walked into marriage, refusing to see the inherent conflict in your relationship. Whichever, that conflict is now obvious and apparent and fought on several fronts.

You have rows with your husband about his lack of desire - and get absolutely nowhere.  He merely performs, perfunctorily, for the sake of making a baby, leaving you sexually short-changed - and even then not enough to ensure conception. He won't seek help, despite your pleadings. You've said it yourself. He'd truly rather boil his head in oil than talk about his sexual switch-off.

The lid on your longing has been lifted. You are tortured by sexual desire and try to fight it. Or try to assuage it by visiting pornographic sites on the web. In so doing, you behave in a way that makes you feel you're losing face, doing something your husband would see as sleazy. You're putting yourself in a position of one-down.

Press the pause button. This is where it gets dicey. Your husband is not saying he's sorry. He's not even looking at your needs. He's ignoring them, choosing emotional and intellectual blindness instead. And worse, he's taking the moral high ground. He'd see pornographic websites as sleaze, yet thinks it's just dandy to deny his wife's sexual reality.

Don't you see? This isn't some sort of sexual failure like erectile dysfunction, where desire for you is great, but performance poor, be the cause ill-health or emotional damage. I have no doubt that your husband is all the positive things you say he is. He's also not functioning as a husband - and not capable of doing so. And this isn't just about performance or sexual penetration. It's about desire and emotional closeness - or rather the lack of it.

You are married to a man you love and admire on so many levels. Yet you're on your own.  And if you ask me for a prediction, the chances are your husband will never want you - not because he won't, but because he can't. I truly think you know that. He wants to be married to you. But he can't respond to you as a woman.

That's the conflict - a good man who has no sexual desire for you, a man who leaves you emotionally bereft, as well as sexually frustrated, because he has chosen to switch off. Meanwhile you're drowning - not just in sexual need, but in existential loneliness. How sad.

I hate to use the exhausted phrase, but it fits: Both of you are in denial about the void in your marriage. Isn't it time you came clean?

No Sexual Arousal

4th May, 2008


Question
I'm a 33 year old man and I'm a virgin. I've had several short-lived relationships which rarely got to any sort of intimate stage. I've slept with girls but never had intercourse. I don't masturbate either. I never have. I'm not able to arouse myself.

I still have wet dreams/nocturnal emissions. I always associated this with puberty and wonder if it's normal to still have them. I usually awaken at climax and almost subconsciously try to suppress the feelings.

I haven't had any sort of relationship for the past couple of years because I'm frightened I'll be a failure in the bedroom stakes! The older I get, the worse I feel about this. I'm not interested in one night stands either. I have too much respect for myself and others.

I'm a pretty normal bloke with a reasonably good social life and I had an ordinary upbringing. So I don't know what could be causing all this. I would really love to have a relationship and feel I'm being left on the bench.

Answer
You can see yourself that virginity is not the issue here. Your problem isn't the absence of a meaningful relationship. That loneliness is simply a result of the real issue.

You don't allow yourself sexual expression. Coming out of a deep sleep, you're fighting nature. That's a pretty comprehensive sexual taboo you have going there. You've locked your sexuality away.

It doesn't help to battle about whether your upbringing was normal or not, or ordinary as you put it. It's crystal clear that sometime early on you decided, for good psychological reasons, that your sexuality had to be totally repressed. Something seriously scared you, scorched you in fact.

Of course you didn't sit down and plan it. Nor was it necessarily a once-off incident. Fear can be compacted in our souls by a series of unrelated events. Trauma is often the result of an unfortunate combination of circumstances. I don't know what those circumstances were. I do know that your sexual shut-down is surprisingly complete. And since all such psychological manoeuvres are a response to fear, you must have been very fearful indeed.

I suggest you seek professional help. I imagine you need a strong and steady figure by your side as you go through the process of unravelling your emotional past. My intention is not to scare you. I just think we should have due regard, and real respect, for the enormous creativity of the unconscious mind. It strives always to keep us safe and functioning by holding terror at bay. Which is why we should unravel it with care.

All this all happened when you were young and emotionally vulnerable. As an adult, you would handle it differently. That's what therapy offers you, namely the chance to go back and look at past trauma, with the strength of your adult persona, and the calm presence of a professional witness. And I'm using the word witness deliberately here. Therapists don't have the answers. The answers are all inside you. Go find them.

My Husband Is Overweight And Sexually Unattractive

24th May, 2009


Question
I must make clear that I love my husband. But I find him sexually unattractive because of his weight. His belly hangs over his trousers and he won't do anything to help. This is a problem that has been going on for years. I feel very guilty about my lack of sexual interest in him and when I try to discuss it, he gets very defensive, naturally, and accuses me of being shallow.

I love being fit and strive to look my best. And I'm proud of this. I'm ashamed to say that I also feel embarrassed when we go out together. I am not bothered about people being overweight in general and have friends who are fat. But sex is different, and I don't feel that my husband considers me important enough to try and please me.

I have mulled over this time and time again and I am going to have to tell my husband that I cannot go on having sex with him as it has become a chore. He is a lovely man, funny and generous, and I feel responsible and guilty about creating bad feelings between us. But I have to.

Answer
Three things. You are not superficial. Sexual attraction is a powerful force. It's also a sensitive issue, easily disturbed, by anger, by resentment, by anxiety, and by anything that is deemed offensive to our sensibilities such as a heavily-overhanging belly. How people look matters. It's just that different people have different tastes, different levels of tolerance, different values.

Secondly, I wonder if you've clearly stated how you feel to your husband. You speak so much about feeling guilty. You also clearly don't want to create any ill-feeling. My guess is that you raise the issue, and then back down when your husband gets distressed, or accuses you of being superficial. I'm not sure, in short, if your husband realises how serious an issue this is for you.

Thirdly, it is not helpful to see your husband's refusal to lose weight as an act of aggression. He's not staying fat to spite you. It's not about you in that sense. He's hanging onto his belly because it would take him out of his comfort zone to lose the weight. Put simply he prefers eating to having a slim trim figure. Or because he's happy with the way he looks, meaning his standards are different to yours.  Or because he lacks the drive involved in self-care. Whichever, it's about  him, not about you.

Yes, he's refusing to do as you wish. But I think it would help a lot if you stopped feeling hurt by that, and settled instead for feeling disappointed. Your husband is not measuring up to your standards. You feel that disappointment keenly. That's different than feeling he's lacking in love for you. As the mafia might say, it's nothing personal.

Finally, why would you feel ashamed when you're out with him? You're not responsible for how your husband looks. He is. And you're still married to him because of all his good points, and because you love him. So there is nothing to explain to anyone.

Stop feeling so guilty. If he doesn't turn you on because of lack of personal self-care, then that's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault actually. It's a difference in standards, or taste, or approach to life, which both of you have to live with. Tell him clearly how you feel, not in anger or hurt, but as a simple statement of fact. And then wait and see what happens.

I Have No Interest In Sex Which Makes My Husband Unhappy

10th May, 2009


Question
On the surface I'm one of those who have it all - job, house, happy marriage, clever and popular children. Lately, however, I'm worried about one aspect of my life, which is sex. For many months now, I have no interest at all.

I love my husband. He is kind and attentive. He seems to want it all the time. I don't. It could be because I'm on the pill, or because I'm tired all the time, or because I don't like myself much at the moment - I really need to lose some weight but can't. I often find myself thinking ‘is this all I'm made for', sex I mean. I hear other mothers giggling at the school gate that they must go to the gym 'because we must keep our husbands happy'. That turns me off. If my husband only loved me when I'm perfect, I wouldn't want anything to do with him. It's my body.

Women in the media are full of the same stuff. Keep your man happy. And my husband once joked that it was his right, that sex was part of the marriage contract. I don't agree with that. I want my marriage to be about so much more. I don't want my body to be someone else's property. But I know my current lack of sex is making my husband unhappy. Yet I just can't make myself want it. Where do I go from here?

Answer
Stop, right now. I don't know why you've lost interest in sex. Building a defensive ideology around your disinterest, however, is certainly no solution.

This isn't about your body being your own, or about being loved only when you're perfect, or about marriage meaning more than just sex, or about women in the media saying anything at all. This isn't even about your husband being unhappy. You've lost a central part of your vitality, an essential element in your life, and are heading down the path of great personal unhappiness. Allowing your sexual interest to slide away is psychologically costly.

It's also unwise. What you're describing is a symptom, your mind and body telling you that you're in trouble. A woman who is tired all the time, who is carrying too  much weight which she feels she can't shift, and who doesn't like herself, has a hole at the centre of her existence. It's not just sex you're failing to enjoy. It's your life. In fact you need to take the focus off sex for a moment. Why are you ignoring the symptoms of your physical and emotional distress? Why are your tired? Why are you eating too much? Most importantly, why are you prepared to dislike yourself, rather than tackling the problem. Why, in short, are you settling for misery, rather than sensible action?

Can I just say something more general, without getting into a political dialogue which would not be helpful. A job, children, a house and a marriage all take their toll. That's especially true to-day, when we expect so much of ourselves on every front. And remember, such a life was once seen as a working class burden, women who had to work, with little or no domestic help. And I don't think that washing machines, kindergartens, and new age husbands who hoover, necessarily alter the balance. Many women feel tired and entirely worn out, but since - as you say yourself - they appear to have it all, they are loath to challenge the social norm. Instead, they drop into bed, or sit exhausted in front of the TV,  saving some precious time for themselves at the expense of their intimate marital lives,  because sex requires energy, the energy to engage with another human being. So add your life-style to the issues that may need to be addressed. Do you really want to continue trying to have it all? Is that wise?

You include a happy marriage in the list of what you have. Can I just sound a note of warning? It won't stay happy if you and your husband fail to agree about sexual closeness. That doesn't mean either party necessarily getting exactly what they want. It does mean working out a compromise which allows both partners dignity, emotional equilibrium, and the strong sense of being loved, appreciated, cared for, respected. Your husband doesn't feel like that right now - you've told me yourself.

Am I allowed the wisdom of an older woman? Sexual unavailability is not felt as rejection when there's a reason, a problem which is being tackled. Simply saying no, however, is a kind of bullying when you think about it. It involves basically telling your husband to get lost doesn't it, while knowing that because he loves you, he's not really going anywhere, other than retreating into increasing unhappiness. Why would you be so unkind to a good man whom you love?

Engage your husband as your ally and friend, which is what he is. Think radically about your lifestyle, if that's what's required. Life has given you so much. Cherish it.

I Never Experience An Orgasm

Question
I am 35 years of age and have had a number of sexual partners. I was rather late in losing my virginity and my problem is that I have never experienced an orgasm. It never used to be an issue for me as I always enjoyed sex. I guess you can't miss what you've never had, right? But now I really feel like I'm missing out and have realised that I never had, and may never ever enjoy, a satisfying and wholly fulfilled sexual relationship.

I have recently come out of a long-term relationship and I don't want to go into another one with this problem. I'm not sure if it's a physical or emotional problem, but it's possibly both.

Answer
I'm wondering why this has now become an issue. Do you think your relationship broke up because of it? Did you ex-partner complain about some lack of passion? Are you looking for answers as to why this relationship broke down and clutching at straws? In our sex-obsessed age, women have become silent about the fact that many of them don't have orgasms and don't miss them either. Just as many couples have very infrequent sex, and are satisfied. And some have none and are happy too. You are not, therefore, in any way unusual. Failure to have an orgasm is only a problem if we perceive it as being one.

Which is why I'm back to my first question: why is it a problem now? Do you see it as some kind of handicap? Are you scared it will somehow, by some mysterious means, scupper any future relationship? Or is it just a focus for your current sadness? Sorry for all the questions. It's just they are all I can offer you, based on what you've told me. What I'm trying to say is be wary of honing in on an issue, which is not really an issue, simply as a means of making sense of your life.