I Can't Stop Comfort Eating

Question

I try so hard to combat my comfort eating, which is really loneliness in my marriage. I am quite young and lead a very vibrant and exciting, but also laid-back life that has bags of potential. But I am crippled by my needs, which my husband of five years doesn't meet. We are not parents yet and quite work- focussed, and the only thing that gets a look-in is our social life, rather than our personal life. There are no candle-lit dinners or impromptu conversations about us, life, work, etc. We are like passing ships unless I steer us on a collision course and force communication. We've been to couples therapy but nothing changed. He doesn't communicate and doesn't prioritise 'us'.

I don't have an alternative husband in mind. I just want my husband to be more attentive. And I do understand that he might not want to pay attention to someone who is now bitter. I know the bitterness is not really justified. I should try and meet my own needs, be more independent, lean less on my husband, build my self-confidence rather than constantly looking for praise and reassurance. I also realise that my constant complaining and demanding is a form of control. I suppose I'm scared that if I become more independent, and let him off the hook, he might leave me, or at least cheat on me.

Unfortunately this knowledge doesn't help me change. My husband is understanding and tolerant and patient. In my good moments I understand that I am the problem, not him. But I'm still sitting here, comfort eating, frustrated, and sad.
Answer
Comfort eating is an addiction. And yes, you are right. All the insight in the world doesn't really help. Well, it does help in the long run, of course, and you should be proud of yourself that you worked so hard at understanding the emotional backdrop to your despair. But no, knowledge, as and of itself, doesn't bring about behavioural change. And the change in behaviour we're talking about here doesn't just involve ditching food as a comfort blanket.

Being demanding, constantly asking for more attention, endlessly complaining about the absence of succour in your marriage – all that puts you in a permanent 'one-down' position. It sets you up for defeat. The reason is simple. You are asking your husband for something he cannot give you. What you are seeking is a personal sense of courage, emotional togetherness, the capacity to feel safe and at peace, in short the ability to comfort yourself. Nobody can give you that. It's called maturity. It's something we earn in the hard slog of life.

No, I am not for one moment criticising you. Quite the contrary. I understand that you set out with a deficit. The human capacity to feel reasonably in control is laid down in the early years of childhood. Inadequate parenting limits that capacity. This is not a blame-game, merely a tool to help you. And I'm not suggesting you should go it alone either. I just don't think couples therapy is the way to go – not right now. You need proper professional help to learn as an adult what you missed out on learning as a toddler, namely that you can make yourself safe. That doesn't mean mad independence, or going solo, or giving up on marriage. It means developing the confidence to negotiate a relationship so that the two people involved can be heard, and enriched.

Don't turn your insight into self-bashing. Use it to find the professional you need, the first step in saying that you are a worthy human being. Which you are, and a very brave one too.

I'm Bulimic And Hate Myself

Question

It's taken me some time to make myself sit and write this, as I know it's me admitting what's wrong.

I'm a young, extremely successful young woman, for whom everything seems to have fallen into place. I have a fantastic career, I travel widely, I have a wonderful group of friends both male and female, and a great social life. I grew up in a great, secure, happy family and would be very close to my relations. I'm regularly told how attractive I am and never have any difficulties attracting attention from men. I've had regular boyfriends over the years and always have regular dates. Even writing this I feel guilty as I know I have it so good.

Inside, I hate myself. I'm bulimic, and have been since I was about 12 years old. I don't binge as such, I just eat a normal regular diet, but I abuse laxatives and constantly make myself sick after eating. I exercise excessively, and push myself hard. I really don't know what to do or where to turn. I keep telling myself I'll stop, but I know I can't. Everyone keeps telling me I'm so lucky to have it all. But I don't. I truly hate who I am. I've worked hard in every other aspect of my life to make something of myself, yet hate who I am.
I was overweight in my early teens and never got any attention from boys. All the other girls were slim and happy and had boyfriends and I was so jealous. I struggled with weight and with bulimia before losing a huge amount of weight. This was shortly before going to college. And college changed everything. Suddenly boys fancied me and from then on I've never had a problem attracting men. But I messed around, hurt a lot of people, and hurt myself by being with boys I shouldn't have been with. It's something I hugely regret now, but I have learned from it.
I've been hurt badly in the last year by ex-boyfriends and by some friends. I desperately seek a boyfriend as I feel so much more secure when I have someone. But I know I will never let them truly in, and that's caused boys in the past to end things. But I have learned who my true friends are and they are fantastic. I'm learning to open up and talk to them more, but I can't tell them just how bad I feel. I'm the one everyone turns to for help, but when I'm feeling low I don't turn to anyone.
I want to be the happy, confident, fun person I pretend to be. I don't want people to tell me how jealous they are of my life when in truth they don't have a clue. It would hurt my friends and family so much if they knew just how lonely and lost I feel right now. I don't want to live like this forever. It scares me that I'll never like myself. I'm also frightened about the long-term damage I could be doing myself with my bulimia. I don't know who to turn to.

Answer
Hold on just one minute. You're painting yourself into a corner. The way you tell this story - the fairy-tale upbringing, the close family, the intelligence and good looks - makes it sound as though you had the perfect life - and screwed up. You're making out that you're the baddie. Stop it.

I'll put it simply. If a 12-year old is so unhappy that she starts making herself sick after eating, and nobody apparently notices, then she's not living in a fairy-tale family setting. She's in trouble. And that trouble is not of her own, wilful, making. Do you understand? I'm not trying to blame others. I'm trying to stop you blaming yourself. This isn't about blaming anyway, it's about understanding. Sure, it could have been peer pressure, in other words an outside influence, which started the whole mess with the weight. That's not the point. All kids have peer pressure. How they handle it - particularly when still a young child - has to do with the support they get from within the family.

That said, I don't believe we're just talking peer pressure here. Look how you drive yourself and strive for perfection. Look how you insist that you can't burden your family or friends with the extent of your unhappiness. Look how you believe you have to be the bright star, the successful story, the ideal young woman. Look how you cling to boyfriends, but don't let them into your heart. Look at how vulnerable you are. Look at how you hate yourself. The seeds for all that were sown long before you hit 12 years of age. We're not talking peer pressure here, we're talking family dynamics.

Bulimia, like any other addiction, has to be tackled at a behavioural level. It has to stop. Alcoholics join the AA or attend a counsellor. You need to do the same. Check the telephone directory, or ask your GP or someone in the know about organisations like Bodywhys, because yes, of course, you'll damage your health if you continue. More importantly, the cycle of self-destruction, born of self-hatred, has to be broken. In psychological jargon, as long as we 'act out', we can avoid facing the true triggers of our distress.

I also think you badly need to see a therapist. There's a basic question you need to answer for yourself, which can be put in several ways. Why do you believe you have to be perfect in order to be loved? Why do you feel that the connection to your family and friends is so tenuous that it would not survive you telling it like it truly is? Why, in short, do you have to live a lie? I'm not saying the answers are easy to find. I am saying you have to learn to recognise what your belief system is, and then set about challenging it.

Male And Binge Eating

25th October, 2009

Question
I'm a man, aged 33, and have an eating disorder. I'm trying to do battle with it, but am finding it harder and harder to do, because I get up every day and am surrounded by people living their lives. Let me try and explain.

I've had this night-time binge eating for about 15 years. My family life as a child was filled with abuse and neglect. My mother frequently beat us and my father was absent a lot. When he was home, they fought like cats and dogs. I know it sounds as though I'm making excuses for my binge eating - and I suppose that's what I am doing. I also know I sound like I'm playing the victim, which may have been true in the past, but I'm aware of it now and try hard not to let it control me.

I've always felt lost and tried several career paths, but each time just wasn't happy so I packed them in. The most recent was a return to college, which I quit after a year. The eating disorder was ever-present, I felt out of control, so I took a step back and left the course, determined to finally sort out my binge-eating. I started seeing a therapist. That was 18 months ago, and I've made a lot of progress.

As part of my eating disorder, I exercise excessively in order to compensate. To look at me you'd never guess I eat too much at night. I look quite lean and fit. Somewhere along the line I also began to compete in athletic competitions and really enjoy them a lot. At this point, all my focus and energy is put into training and preparing for races. I love competing. At the same time, I'm beginning to look around and see what others have, and I have not. I still live at home, have no car or career, just a part-time job that's going nowhere. I have no girlfriend, never had, and it would be nice to have someone other than my therapist to talk to, just somebody who knows I'm alive. I have few, if any friends, to go out with. A lot of the time I end up at the cinema on a Saturday night on my own, surrounded by couples and groups of people. In short, I'm surrounded by people who are living their lives.

I know the source of my pain is comparing myself to others, and I try to be happy with what I have. But it's a constant battle. I'll come across a situation which triggers negative feelings within me, work hard at discovering their root cause as my therapist has taught me, and then I feel better. But it's a non-stop effort. I feel very tired from training, and from fighting my binge-eating. Is this how it is with eating problems? Do I need to just hold on and be tough? I'm so exhausted.

Answer
An elderly practitioner of complementary medicine was asked by a friend of mine a few years ago what, in his experience, made the difference in terms of whether a patient healed himself or not. 'Courage', the physician replied. That is true. He could have added 'energy', but then he was an acupuncturist, so he dealt in the business of helping people mobilise their energy, and put it to good use.

Stop being so hard on yourself. You are not playing the victim. Nor are you making excuses for yourself. You do indeed binge eat because of past emotional damage. That's not an excuse, or a dodge, that's the truth. Unconscious creative elements in your despairing heart sought to make you safe, tried to grapple with the terrifying emotional anarchy with which your parents surrounded you. Yes, of course the use of food was misplaced, borne of the limited room for emotional manoeuvring you had as a child. You now understand that food is a symbol for all kinds of control issues. But you are still very vulnerable, so it's a huge battle. Relinquishing the comfort blanket, while still full of fear, is hard.

Could I make two suggestions? Why not just enjoy the athletics? Yes, I know you took up running to compensate for binge eating, but sometimes good things are chosen for dodgy reasons - and they are still good. Count it as a plus, with no negative connotations. And secondly, would you look for additional help, at a physical level, just to ease the exhaustion?

My promise: As you slowly feel psychologically safer, with the help of therapy, food will loose its symbolic power. Try being more gentle and kind with yourself, while still holding onto your resolve. Battles such as yours are heroic. Why not applaud that heroism?

I'm Drinking Too Much

1st March, 2009
Question
Where do I start? I'm 50 this year and deeply unhappy. I got married at 20 years of age to an alcoholic and have four lovely children. The marriage itself only lasted ten years. It ended because I had an affair, which affected everybody including my children. The man in question was married and his wife was truly devastated too. She let everybody know, quite rightly so. I didn't really love this man, it was just an escape for me.

Rearing my children alone wasn't easy. During those years my mother was seriously ill and eventually died. She had reared us alone, as my father died when I was very young. My relationship with my mother was strained. I had been a very timid child who never felt loved. I was bullied, in school and at home. Our house was always a truly horrible place to be, with everyone fighting each other. My mother in particular was very difficult, often pretending to leave us, only relenting when we went ballistic. A brother I was particularly close to also died unexpectedly during this time. This was made much worse by the fact that we had fought over my mother's will and never made it up. In my defence, everyone thought he was wrong, and that I was taking the right stance. Yet I still feel great grief about him. I miss him terribly. I did manage to catch up with my education and got a decent job.

To sum up, I'm drinking every night, at least one bottle of wine, but holding down the good job. I don't trust people much anymore. The friends I had don't bother with me anymore because I've insulted them through drink. I'm trying desperately to get back on track, but personally I don't think it will happen. To add to my troubles, I've got involved with another married man. I'm very impressed with him, because he's a professional, even though I know he's using me. He has made it clear that he “loves me”, but can't leave his wife.

I'm desperately lonely and understand why people end their lives. I'm almost there. But I don't want to insult my children who are lovely, talented and popular young men and women. What can I do? I'm not wealthy and am still supporting my youngest daughter who is in college, even though she does her best to contribute. I badly need advice.

Answer
You began with a telling question about where you should start. And you answered it like a true alcoholic. You first laid out a thousand reasons as to why you drink. By the time you explained that you do so, the scene had been set. You had painted yourself as a victim of circumstance.

I hate being harsh. Well, I'm never harsh, but I hate even sounding like I'm putting the boot in. There's just no other way to respond to you. Your drinking has messed up your life to the point where you want to die. This is not the time, then, for sympathetic hand-holding. To help you take control, we have to talk straight. You are drinking. You have to stop. Few of us manage to kick addiction on our own. Take your pick. ANEW is a support group specifically for women overcoming alcohol abuse. And Alcoholics Anonymous you undoubtedly know. All contact details are listed at the front of the telephone directory.

The language of victim-status is subtle. The sub-text is profound, colouring everything you tell me. Look at your description of your current entanglement with a married man. You talk as though you fell into this relationship, and speak of it adding to your troubles, as though you had no choice. Being an intelligent woman, you see that this man is spinning a predicable yarn about loving you, but not leaving his wife. Yet you make no move to stop the inherent abuse in that set-up. On the contrary, you tell me you're impressed because he's a professional.

Your low self-esteem is obvious, and painful to see. Your anger is more hidden, but also more damaging to you. It leads to something akin to real pleasure as you watch the dishonesty and deceit of your affair. There is a kind of revelling in your degradation. Deep down you despise this man, but you despise yourself even more. So you angrily encourage emotional abuse. How sad.

You don't need me to tell you that your depression and despair are fuelled by that anger, turned in on yourself. And no-one, as you know, can help change that until you take the first step. Making that phone call to a support group is a statement that deep down you're worth it. Unfortunately, no amount of reassurance from me will convince you that you're worth it. That decision is down to you.

Crutches are crucial at certain moments of our lives. You have a very powerful one. If you can't yet believe you're a worthy human being, you can support yourself with the very real knowledge that your children need you. They are worth the effort, even if you feel right this moment that you are not. They don't deserve a dead mother. They don't deserve a self-destructive mother either. Help is only a phone call away. Can I ask you to make that call? I would like to say for your own sake, since you are worthy of such self-care. But if that feels like a step too far, then for the sake of your children? Please?

My Mother Is An Alcoholic

18th January, 2009

Question
My mother is an alcoholic. I think this has affected me and still does. I love her and yet I hate her so much for her actions and her selfishness. She is an extremely negative force and I want to scream at her for visiting that upon me when I was growing up, damaging my self-esteem in the process.

I have no confidence in myself. I am so weak and can be really selfish and moody too. I constantly feel I'm not important to people. I worry that my work colleagues may think I'm stupid. I spend an unhealthy amount of time imagining the perfect happiness that I feel I'll never have.

During a study stint abroad I started seeing a guy. He was tall, dark and so handsome that I couldn't understand what he saw in me. After two months together, I had to come back. I still think of him as 'the one who got away'. That's probably because I didn't have enough time with him to realise that he wasn't perfect. He kept in touch at first, but no longer does so. Obviously he's happy to forget me, and why wouldn't he. Yet I keep thinking that if I could just meet him once, the spell would be broken. I know this is pure fantasy on my part, but I still can't help indulging the thought that we were meant to be together. The worst part is that I have a boyfriend who loves me, and who I can't imagine being without. I feel I'm being unfaithful just thinking these thoughts.

I hate myself. My boyfriend is a practical person who is able to draw happiness from his daily life. I feel I need someone to wave a magic wand. He can't imagine how anyone would want to kill themselves. But I can understand only too well, because I don't feel any real hope about what lies ahead. I don't believe I'd ever actually commit suicide, I just understand what might go through someone's head when contemplating it.

I wish I could live in the real world and be happy. But I feel like such a useless person, whom nobody needs, and who would quickly be forgotten. I'm not sure any of this makes sense.

Answer
I've two things to say to you. You must put an emotional, physical and practical distance between yourself and your mother. Alcoholics break all promises. They are feckless. Worst of all, they are manipulative, constantly looking to be rescued, and then taking control back in order to continue doing their self-damaging thing. Love your mother certainly. Don't try to help her. You can't. Like all alcoholics she must decide to help herself, and having proved that she's serious, can then humbly ask for support. Put bluntly, if you're living with her, get out.

Secondly, anger is good. Don't waste it in fantasies about screaming at your mother. Use your anger to transform your life. At the moment you're stuck in perceived powerlessness. That was fine when you were five, or even fifteen, and helplessly at the mercy of your mother. It's not a mark of Cain, a life sentence, the way things always have to be. Your mother damaged you, yes. So would a severe car accident. And yet you'd walk again, or learn to star, wheelchair-bound, in the Paralympics, or adapt to a false limb. We're all damaged by our past. That doesn't make us victims. It sets us a challenge.

Finally, fantasies are self-indulgence, a legitimate escape from the daily humdrum, time out from all the trying. Over-indulge, and you're copping out. You're too intelligent for that. Stop it.

My Husband Runs Up Huge Debts

9th November, 2008
Question
We are two professionals, married for 14 years, with two children. I thought we had a good marriage. We were very good friends and I felt we were very open with each other. My mother died in recent years and I felt very alone. I am an only child and my father died when I was very young. I therefore depended on my husband for emotional support during the difficult times.
Suddenly, three years ago, I discovered that my beloved husband was spending a lot of money of which I was totally unaware. We don't have a joint account, each running their own financial affairs and contributing equally to joint outgoings. He had taken out several loans, overdrawn on credit cards etc. He had nothing to show for this spending, no fancy car, no boys' toys, no expensive clothes. And it certainly wasn't spent on improving our lifestyle together.
When I confronted him he was completely remorseful and begged for forgiveness. Although I was devastated by the deceit and lies which had clearly been involved, I foolishly helped him sort out his debts. After I had dealt with the immediate issue of those spiralling debts, I knew I had to find out where the money had gone. It was not immediately evident. During this time we continued to live together and get on with our daily lives. It was extremely difficult for me to forgive him, but I felt that if he could be open and honest about the reason for the vanishing funds, I could try to understand. It didn't work out that way.
I tried to talk to my husband to get some truths, suggesting all the usual problems like alcohol, gambling, drugs, an affair. But he continued to maintain that it was just bad money management. I believed that the problem was solved, although I never got any answers or saw any paperwork to confirm that he had changed. He had promised to present figures/bank statements etc. but never did. All discussions on the subject ended in huge rows, with him walking out and disappearing for hours as he wasn't happy about my lack of trust. All that said, it never occurred to me that it could possibly happen again.

A month ago I found a bank statement with a huge overdraft. A considerable amount of money had once again disappeared. I was in shock, and totally devastated. I asked him to leave until this got sorted out, but he refused. He's now seeing a counsellor.

I cannot believe that the man I married could continue to lie and deceive me for so long. I feel my marriage is a complete sham. It's supposed to be about sharing thoughts and feelings, but my husband has been emotionally and financially detached from me for a very long time. He's like a lodger in the house and has no interest in it as a home. He is very good with our children and I know he must be hurting so much inside as he hasn't got anyone to open up to. His family know nothing. I'm worried about his mental health.

He now says I want him to suffer. I certainly want him to take responsibility for what he has done. We are financially secure as a couple, but I don't want to get involved in any re-mortgaging of our house to pay off his debts. So yes, I do want him to suffer financially. But the real problem is that I don't think he properly comprehends what he has done.
Answer
You've become the conscience, the querying mother, the disapproving other. That's what happens when a husband or wife behave irresponsibly. The partnership goes out the window, replaced by a good guy bad guy routine. Counsellors would tell us not to do it. It's extraordinarily difficult to heed them, and still stay together as a couple. That said, there is some room for manoeuvre.
Of course you want to know where the money went. And yes, in ordinary circumstances your husband would tell you. But these are turbulent times. So here's a simple question. Do you really need to know? If the deal is that your husband delivers half your living costs, can you not leave it to him to do just that? He's seeing a counsellor. He says he'll clean up his act. Do you need to know anymore?
No, I'm not suggesting that you leave yourself open to financial ruin. Certainly there are legal implications in terms of clearing a husband's debts. I understand, too, that you can't recapture the innocence of total trust. But since you don't yet want to throw away your marriage entirely, can't you sort that stuff out with a solicitor? In doing so, believe me, the emotional situation will slowly clarify itself.
You see, the real problem is not that your husband fails to comprehend what he has done, as you put it. Your husband knows exactly what has happened. He spent large sums of money, ran up huge debts, you've bailed him out before, and he's hanging in there. Between you there's still reasonable wealth. He hasn't hit rock bottom. Yes, he's seeing a counsellor. And yes, there must be hope that he will reform. But he's not yet taking real responsibility.
He's putting you in the position of hangman. He says you want him to suffer. That's not the point. He needs to suffer himself, to see the error of his ways himself, to ditch the addiction himself. This whole mess has nothing to do with you. It's his mess. Shifting the emphasis onto you is not appropriate. But by staying in there, finger wagging, full of anger and disappointment and despair, and asking where the money went, you're allowing your husband to do just that, namely go on about your anger, rather than his lack of real insight into the mess he's made.
Find a financial bottom line. Fix it legally. Tell him you don't want to lose him, and then leave your husband to kick his addiction. Be kind, compassionate but absolutely firm. Hard, but perhaps it might help if you recognise why. You're just so desperately disappointed. You wanted your husband to be a better man. And maybe he will be. He just has to do it himself.

Drowning My Sorrows With Drink

11th May, 2008


Question
I'm a woman in my late '20's and have been single for the past three years. Before that I was in a long-term loving relationship, which was great until we realised that we wanted different things and split up. This did break my heart, and I am still getting over it. I have had a couple of short term relationships since, but nothing serious.

I have a close loving family, a good circle of friends both male and female, and would be considered attractive. I'm a good listener, and a caring friend, but am super-sensitive and very self-conscious. Although I enjoy socialising in pubs and clubs at weekends, I find it hard to go out without having a few drinks before-hand, as it makes it easier to talk to people.

Lately, on a night out, I drank far too much, something I didn't realise at the time because I felt relaxed and completely comfortable. At this point I would like to make it clear that I am a respectable girl and don't sleep around. However, the morning after these typical nights out, I always feel really down and guilty because of my actions - which can involve saying the wrong thing, or just being very drunk, or ending up with someone I know I have no future with because they're married, or just not a real option.

I wish this pattern would change and wonder how I can help myself. No amount of reassurance from loving family or friends makes me feel worthy or deserving of anything better.

Answer
It wasn't just one night, was it? I know you're trying to be honest, but you're finding it hard. The truth is you drink too much, too often, and end up wasted, in some unsuitable bed, on a reasonably regular basis. That's what you're really telling me.

You have a problem with alcohol. In plain language, you're an alcoholic.

Yes, I understand completely all the psychological overtones and undertones. The loss of the man you loved hit a raw nerve. It mobilised all your deeply felt insecurities. It laid bear the fact that you feel unworthy of love and respect. It triggered a deep sense of despair. Undoubtedly, too, it unleashed a lot of anger that had nowhere to go. After all, you can't beat a man for not wanting what you want. So you're beating yourself up instead.

Right this minute, however, none of that matters. The first step to solving your distress isn't psychological insight, or motivational analysis about how this all came about. The first step is acknowledging the damaging behaviour. You're drinking too much. It doesn't matter why. It's happening. The next step is deciding to stop.

The reason is simple. Your alcohol abuse is damaging your dignity, reinforcing your depression, driving you deeper into the hole of self-loathing. It's also clouding your vision, skewing your perspective on life, deadening your sensibilities, removing you from reality. Your problem is behavioural, not psychological. Your problem is alcohol abuse, not the reasons for it.

I know this may sound strange, even unsympathetic. That's because there's a myth running round society which says that if we understand why, then we stop what we're doing - be it beating the kids, being serially sexually unfaithful, losing our temper, dismissing the life-saving diet, or doing drugs Not so. Knowing of itself is not enough. In fact, knowing why we do something wrong isn't even necessary in order to change. What's necessary is the determination to stop.

Contact an alcohol counsellor, Alcoholics Anonymous, ANEW -who specifically support women overcoming alcohol abuse - the help out there is boundless.

I Am Addicted To Porn

22nd July, 2009


Question
I'm 28 and have been married for six months. We've a number of recurring issues, the most damaging of which have been caused by my apparent selfishness and lack of judgment and compassion. I'm a good man, sincere, caring, sensitive and generally very hard-working. But my apparent addiction to internet porn has brought us both to a place of great frustration. Again. We have agreed that the central concern is not the porn, but rather my infidelity. We are both open-minded, and encourage exploration, but we both know this is not exploration.

As a young boy I became very excited by some porn I happened to find and it has been a source of instant gratification for me over the years, particularly as I was anxious about women and about losing my virginity. I concealed my porn habit for a long time, while it continued to undermine my confidence and elevate my social anxiety. Luckily things improved, I lost my virginity, had several serious relationships which were committed and rewarding, and met my wife. However, the pornography seemed to resurface each time the initial heat of a new relationship began to wane. This pattern continued both before and after our marriage, each time carrying with it the burden of broken trust.

In times past, my wife and I have made agreements, written then down even, as I take this very seriously. This time, however, my wife has stated that this is all too much, and in looking after her own happiness, she must debate whether or not she should leave. She thinks I may not be ready for the commitment that marriage entails, and is open to taking some time out to be single again, even to the point of me dating other women. She cares for my happiness, but not above her own.

I empathize with my wife, and feel that all I can do is state my desire to deal with this problem, treat her with complete fidelity, and restore her respect for me, while she debates the risks of either staying or leaving.

To add to our woes, my wife has been feeling bored and sad as she is a foreign national who has made very few friends. Her aging university education has never really been put to work, which adds to her frustration. My wife works shifts, which left us less time together, although I recently changed jobs, leaving my career on hold, to give us more time to focus on our new marriage. Financial pressures also undoubtedly add stress to the mix.

With only a few years of experience behind us, I would tentatively say that my wife has a stronger sex drive than I have and when we don't have sex more or less every day, I sense her questions and concerns brewing. When this dynamic happens, it sits atop me during any sexual contact and usually occupies my mind, banishing intimacy. I feel that abuse of instant gratification through pornography has disconnected me from healthy, regular sex. My self-serving gratification seems to have created a sort of attention deficit during sex.

When I am in the right frame of mind, I am very excited by my wife and we have great sex. This then cools off for maybe a month or so, and that's when the impulse for pornography starts to resurface. And my wife then assumes I'm not interested in her and feels hurt. We have identified some cultural differences to account for ways that we don't connect with compassion and sensitivity, but in the end, she accuses me of being selfish and callous. I admit that I have a tendency to be selfish, but inside I have nothing but love and respect for this woman.

I can only acknowledge that porn appears to be an addiction. My wife's dignity is at stake, and we both love each other, but also respect each other's desire for true happiness, wherever that takes us. I want to ditch this addiction and restore my wife's respect for me. But I fear for my ability to satisfy her sexually, even without pornography. Neither of us relishes looking life a fool, getting a divorce after just six months of marriage, but I can only respect her desire to be happy, regardless of the fallout.

Answer
You are strangely absent from your letter. I say ‘strangely' because you talk a lot about yourself, or rather castigate yourself a lot. But it's as though you've read all the text books. You are not emotionally present. Instead you sound like a dispassionate doctor giving a case history. No, I'm not saying you don't care. I'm just saying that your feelings aren't surfacing.

Your relationship with your wife also sounds like seriously hard work. In fact, it sounds exhausting. You're only married six months but there is no joy, no fun, no ease, no time-out. Or so it seems. Anyone listening to you would be forgiven for wondering why you two are married at all. No, that's not a criticism. I'm trying to provide you with feedback, an outsider perspective, a sounding board for you to use.

Absence of apparent emotion is not a fault, or a deficit, or a short-coming. It's a vital clue when it comes to understanding what's really going on. And experience dictates that anger is the most likely feeling hiding behind your formulaic description of your marriage, an anger closely mixed up with despair, emotional emptiness, and the most profound tiredness. You've tried really hard, and now you're just repeating the mantra of pornography addiction.

It's the wrong focus. Maybe you are addicted to porn. Maybe it's true that you turn to it, as someone would to a substance like drugs or alcohol, when you feel emotionally threatened. And if you do that, it's an issue you need to address, certainly. There is, however, another huge question which is going unanswered. Why is your wife so dissatisfied with life? And why do you see it as your job to solve her dissatisfaction? Yes, she's a foreign national. Yes, she's in some micky mouse job, far beneath her educational standing. Yes, she's struggling to socially integrate. All of that is understandable. But it was her choice to come here. Even if she's a refugee, it was still her choice, her decision that Ireland offered her a better alternative to whatever was going on in her life. It's therefore her responsibility to make it work for her. The same goes with the marriage. You didn't do a cave-man routine on her. She decided to marry you. And so what if her sex drive is stronger than yours. Show me two people who want it always at the same time, same frequency, some intensity, same bed positions, same duration. That's life.

Far be it from me to give an addict ammunition, but it does sound a bit like your alleged addiction to porn is a convenient side-issue on the much broader landscape of your wife's unhappiness with her lot.  I hesitate to suggest you talk to her. It sounds like there's far too much talk going on already. What you need to do is change the camera angle you both currently have on the relationship. Ease up on the role of penitent sinner, which is really an angry victim response. Sure, you're in the picture. But the decision to be happy is down to your wife. Let her know that. And try to do so with a change in behaviour, rather than endless and ultimately fruitless discussions.

I'm Having An Affair

26th April, 2009

Question
 I recently quit drinking alcohol - late last summer to be precise. For the past ten years I had been getting progressively worse. Towards the end I was blacking out every time I drank. One morning, after doing some petty stupid stuff while drunk, I decided this was it. I haven't had a drink since. I quit smoking after Christmas. And I recently made a career change with a move to a new company, beating off stiff competition. So you could say I had quite a few changes going on.

My husband, however, drinks every day, but doesn't get drunk. He also continues to smoke. At first this didn't bother me, but over the months it really began to irk me. I felt lonely, left out, pissed off. So, before I knew what was happening, I ended up starting what I would call an emotional affair. I met the man early in December, and saw him as my soul mate. He lives several hours away, but we've managed to see each other reasonably regularly. Last time we met we ended up turning it into a physical affair.

I am so confused right now about what to do. I have been so depressed and am having a hard time getting out of bed. I feel I have so much going on. But maybe the worst thing is that I am not feeling as guilty as I should for doing what I did. I have been with my husband 15 years and never ever cheated until last month. What is going on with me?

Answer
Two things are happening. You're discovering that there's more to kicking the alcohol habit than giving up the booze. And you're experiencing the harsh reality of trying to end addiction on your own.

I hope you're not offended that I talk of addiction, but there's no point in pussy-footing around reality. You're a recovering alcoholic. That's not a put-down. I'm saluting your bravery, and also saying that you shouldn't be surprised at your emotional derailment. This is a big deal.

Let's talk about your marriage first. Where was it over the past 10 years or more? Where was your husband? Where were you? Did he like you drinking? Did you row about it? Did he try to control you, or drink with you, or withdraw in anger and helplessness? Did you hide it from him, dismiss any attempt he made to talk about it, or shout him into silence? Did you tell him you felt anxious, afraid, angry, lonely, shut off? All I have are the clues you gave in your description of the way you gave up drinking. You didn't ask your husband for help. You didn't expect to get any. And in the first few months of sobriety, you didn't even really register that he continued his drinking routine, apparently oblivious to the sea-change you were going through. Doesn't it seem that your marriage - in terms of an emotional relationship - sort of disappeared somewhere in your drinking?

I'm saying this for a simple reason, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with any blame-game. Life will be full of continuing emotional pitfalls, not to mention the confusion you so clearly articulate, until you figure out your pattern of emotional responses. Are you someone who shuts others out? Do you reject all help? Do you hide from emotional intimacy? Do you avoid conflict, have difficulty acknowledging anger, or bully your way through rows? What moves did you make during your 13 years of marriage? Who are you, in psychological terms?

I can see that you still think like a victim. Despite all the wonderful and hugely courageous steps you have taken, you still don't see yourself as powerful, still don't feel in charge of your own life. Look at how you tell me about the man you've met. Before you knew what was happening, you say, you'd started an emotional affair. It happened, outside your conscious control. And not because you found someone you liked, but because you felt lonely, left out and pissed off at your husband. That's the language of all victims, all addicts. They never speak of personal choice, let alone personal responsibility. And no, I'm not beating you up, just trying to help you onto safer ground.

The reason you feel confused is simple. You still don't feel in charge of your life. That's because you are still very out of touch with your feelings. I hear nothing of anger, or sadness, or joy, or proper pride in yourself. You neither salute your achievements nor mourn your loss of at last ten years of your life. So how could you possibly feel guilty?

Yes, I know you've told me that you've met your soul-mate. My concern is that this is somehow missing the point. Think about it. You were sober, cigarette-less and had a new job. You had made giant strides. Your husband, however, was out-of-touch. Wasn't that an opportunity for the new you to speak, challenge, engage in a dialogue? Instead, in a very real way, you simply ran away - again. Last time it was alcohol. This time it's a soul-mate. Can you see at all where I'm coming from?

You have a lot of emotional homework to do. Would you not consider getting some help? You are such a brave woman. Think about seeing an alcohol counsellor, or go to ANEW who support specifically women who have battled with alcohol, or Alcoholics Anonymous?

Watching Porn Has Become An Obsession

Question
I am a 19 year old college student. I have never had sex, but I spend hours watching porn. I have been trying to stop it but I cannot last more than a week. I usually masturbate while watching the porn videos. I want to gain control over the amount I watch, but I don't know how.

Answer
What you're asking me isn't actually about porn videos. Nor is it about masturbation. What you want is a life lesson on the secret of self-control. That's just another way of asking about how to break a habit. Moralists might call it a question of character.

It helps to understand that the brain is hard-wired for habit formation. Say, for example, you had no habit pattern about getting out of bed. You would have to decide whether to look at the clock or not, switch off the alarm or not, pull back the duvet first, or not, put one foot or two on the ground - I won't go on, you get the picture. And that's just the practical bits. Imagine if the birdsong or traffic noise outside was just as relevant to you as the alarm clock, or your mother's voice calling. The point is, habits are not just about what we do. Habits are also about prioritising. You'd forget the video, not to mention the masturbation, if the house went on fire.

This is all by way of saying that habits are necessary for survival. They are also necessary for sanity. Faced with all the choices all the time and we'd be immobilised, mind and body. Why this is relevant to your question is simple. Habits are formidable opponents, when we wish to change. That is particularly true when they are pleasurable. It take determination, effort, patience, endurance, and the upbeat capacity to try again when our efforts fail, as they almost invariably will when we're just beginning the battle, or suffer stress, or get too sure of ourselves and think we no longer have to try.

The rules are simple. Find enjoyable things to do with your time, which helps fill in the gaps and makes you more cheerful. Take up some hard physical activity, which creates the ‘happy hormones' in the brain and gives you a better mind/body balance or harmony. Lose the loner status, which I think is lurking in the background somewhere, since viewing lots of porn is usually a lonely preoccupation. If it didn't sound unkind, I'd say try and get a life. What I mean, and it carries no unkindness whatsoever, is that long hours of porn means a person is unhappy and somewhat lost.

Specify an alternative behaviour which you'll use as a substitute when you're tempted to reach for the porn. And tackle the habit at an early stage in the chain of events. In this case, go out for a drink, or meet pals at the cinema or help your mother in the kitchen, or whatever, when you're tempted to search for the porn site on the computer - or whichever way you view it.

Finally, I believe cold turkey is easier than controlled behaviour - like giving up the booze rather than trying to limit the number of pints. But that depends, amongst other things, on why you want to change. Do you dislike the whole notion of porn? Or are you worried that you using it as a substitute for love and companionship and fun and friendship? Think about it.

He Keeps Coming Back

Question
I'm a 33 year old woman. My friends say I'm attractive, I've had admirers over the years, and I have a good career with good future prospects. My intention is not to be vain here.

Eighteen months ago I met someone whom I thought I could be close to. I had been single for a long time following the break- up of a serious relationship which left me broken-hearted. Things were great for the first few months, but I felt I wasn't getting what I deserved. When things came to a head, he told me that he didn't want a relationship with me. I took what he said on board, tried to remove all contact with him, but found this very difficult to do. Either he or I would phone, we'd get together for a night out, sleep together, and then I would get angry with myself. Months would pass, and the same thing would happen again. All this would involve drink of course.

This is now driving me insane because I can't pluck up the courage to ask him how he really feels about me, and whether it's just sex for him. When we're together I feel he does have feelings for me. But I'm not naïve. I know a man takes what he can and then leaves you, if you let him.

I recently met someone else. But because I still have this other man on my mind, who is and isn't my ex, I don't feel I can give this new man a chance. I am tormented with thoughts of my ex, and I don't know what to do anymore. I've never asked him out straight why he doesn't want a relationship with me, and perhaps that's where my problem lies. Or maybe that's just part of some silly fantasy world I've got lost in.

Answer
Yes, you have got lost in a fantasy, although it is far from silly. This man you meet for booze and sex is really not relevant. He's just the instrument of torture, if you like, which you have chosen. You're putting yourself through that torture because you're still dealing with rejection. Your broken heart hasn't been fixed.
Think about it. Once you put your foot down about how you were being treated by this man, he said he didn't want a relationship with you. And you do know that there's no point asking someone why. We want to commit to some and don't want to commit to others. Your question isn't really addressed to him anyway.
What you're really trying to deal with is why your past boyfriend ended it. And the situation there is the same. There is no point in beating yourself up. Sometimes someone just doesn't love us enough to make it last. Certainly there may be important lessons to learn - like how we're too needy, or too impressed by someone's image, or a bit blind to selfish, self-absorbed men. Fair enough. Mostly, however, we have to recognise that it was one man's judgment, or feelings, or lack of feelings.

Getting drunk and having sex with someone who doesn't want to even be around you is self-abuse. Stop it. See a therapist instead about your feelings of low self-worth. And let me repeat it again. None of this is actually about your occasional boozy bed-mate. He's irrelevant.

I Am Addicted To Porn

Question
I'm a 28 year old man and am ashamed of my life. I've done some very bad things like seeing escorts for sex. And I can't stop using phone sex lines. I can't stop taking drugs like ecstasy either. I've tried to stop, but over the past ten years I keep going back to my old ways. I hate what I'm doing, like downloading hardcore porn. I am a good person and I've never hurt anyone. Yet I seem to constantly let myself and my family down. I'm trying to stop. I never wanted my life to be like this. But I can't change the past. Please help.

Answer
No, you can't change the past. You can use your shame to shape your future, starting now. You are an addict. That means you have to acknowledge three truths. Firstly, nothing can change until you decide to stop your addictive behaviour. Until we feel and face the emotional pressure that builds up when we stop whatever it is we're doing, we remain blind to the forces that drive us.

Secondly, you need help. Some things can't be handled simply by using our willpower. You've seen that. You tried to stop and you couldn't.

Thirdly, you have to take that first step, make that phone call, drop into that rehab unit, ask a friend to take you to a counsellor. You can't heal yourself alone. You can decide to start the process. It's up to you. All I can tell you is that you are worth it. I can't make you believe me. Are you ready to make that act of faith in yourself? I do very much hope so.

Damaging Rumours About Me

Question
About three years ago I became the victim of a rumour which, as rumours go, can only be described as a man's worst nightmare. It was said that I'm a paedophile.

It began with an incident in a queue for a gig. I was at the back and was spotted by my a neighbour who was at the front of the queue, a girl of about 22 - who looks a lot younger - and she beckoned me up to join her. I'm in my late forties. When I moved in beside her, this young lad, whom I didn't know, pointed the finger at me and called me a paedophile. I was shocked. When he said it again, my instinct was to punch his lights out, but knew a fracas would ensue, the police would be called, and the local newspaper would carry the story.

Instead, I asked my young neighbour what I should do, she told me the lad 'wasn't the full shilling', and I let it go. I also left the scene and decided to give that general area a miss for a few months, by which time, or so I thought, it would all have blown over. I live abroad in a community with a large Irish contingency, and gossip is a favourite pastime. A few years before this, a new arrival had had one drink too many and told the assembled drinkers that he'd been a teacher back in Ireland but had given it up. Within hours of him saying that, the word was out that he'd interfered with younger students and been forced to leave. This was very much at the back of my mind.

At first all seemed grand, but then I began to notice a change in people. Standing in the pub with the usual gang, a conversation hardly passed without paedophiles being mentioned, usually entirely out of context. I tried to shrug it off. But the references were getting more frequent and it started springing up at work too. I began to feel uncomfortable. The first actual physical incident involved me getting a lift home from some of my bar mates, but instead of driving me to my door, they dropped me off in an unlit street around the corner. When this happened a second time I challenged them and was told my street was too dangerous. I don't live in a great neighbourhood, but that was just silly so I stormed off. I considered one of them my best friend, but the incident was never discussed.

This was the beginning of the nightmare. If I thought someone was being smart, I'd sometimes challenge them, asking for an explanation, and there would be an instant climb-down. I tried to talk to people about the rumour, but was invariably interrupted with a denial of any knowledge of such a rumour, even though I knew they knew, thereby making the conversation pointless. Five months ago, I got so depressed I went to my doctor and basically broke down in the surgery and told him everything. Seeing how distressed I was he sent me for counselling. It was great to be able to talk about it, and the counsellor was very professional and very understanding, but basically he was there to listen, not to give advice.

So I'm in Limbo. The rumour is there. I can't do anything about it. And I'm falling out with people as a result of it. I'm at my wits' end. I thought about moving away, but that would look like I'm running away. I also had the chance of a job back in Ireland recently, but had to pass it up for the same reason. I've never felt suicidal, but I am suffering from some form of depression. The doctor offered me anti-depressants but I declined. I don't like tablets. I also felt the cure was to bring the whole mess out into the open.

It hasn't worked and I'm now at the end of my tether. The last thing I want is to have to go back to the doctor and take prescribed drugs just to get me by from day to day. How can I stop this rumour in its tracks and get my life back?

Answer
Rumours are a particularly nasty form of bullying. Nasty because it's so hard to fight back. How can anyone prove that they are not mad, bad, or just plain peculiar? How can anyone prove that they haven't had an affair, conceived a secret child, stole from the church collection? Or as in your case, how can anyone prove that he has no paedophile tendencies?

When you think about it, fear of such rumours is a powerful force in forming our behaviour. We call it concern about what other people think. You see it operating everywhere. A male neighbour limits the help he gives to the widow living next door, in case people should begin to talk. The widow herself may think twice about offering him a cup of tea in thanks. Men see small children falling in the street and hesitate to give them a hand. I won't go on. You get the message.

The problem with bullying is not just the bully. It's the behaviour of the victim. And this is where it gets tricky, because nobody wants to blame the victim. The problem is, a victim's behaviour does contribute to the bullying. We can't escape that fact. This is particularly true, perhaps, when it comes to rumours.

I have to be blunt in order to be helpful, so here goes. Some idiot got annoyed because you jumped a queue and he said the first thing that came into his scruffy little mind. He called you a paedophile. What happened next is a classic example of how victims contribute to the bullying they suffer. Despite reassurance from your young neighbour, you took flight. You left the queue, and avoided the general area for months. You behaved in a guilty fashion. No, don't get all scared. Lots of people automatically feel guilty, when someone says something bad, or criticises them. Indeed, lots of people automatically feel it's their fault when someone else is in bad humour, or is feeling offended, or even just irritable. Some of us are programmed by our upbringing to presume we're in the wrong, even when we are not. That's what makes us easy victims.

You knew you'd done nothing wrong. But you got scared that others might not believe that. Somewhere in your childhood you learned to expect punishment even though innocent. You felt vulnerable and exposed and acutely sensitive. You felt frightened, and fled.

Now I don't know if the rumour travelled. My educated guess is that it didn't. I think you were feeling so sensitive that you read meaning into casual comments. Paedophilia is in the ether right now, constantly discussed, never far from anybody's mind. And by being so sensitive, you drew the subject into your circle of friends.

Please don't feel upset by this challenge to your version of events. I truly am trying to disentangle your situation for you. The point is, that even if I'm wrong, even if the rumour did spread to your local pub, what needs to be done is still the same: You have to get a grip on your sensitivity. You have to become more emotionally robust. At the end of the day, the only way to persuade people - if they need persuading - is to firmly believe in ourselves. Put another way, if we want to stop the bullying, we have to stop acting like a victim.

In practical terms, you must stop mentioning the subject. You are doing yourself no favours by bringing it up with your friends and work colleagues. Think about it. You're keeping the issue alive and forcing them to take up positions. I understand that what you're looking for is reassurance from them. But nobody can reassure us. We have to reassure ourselves. By hammering on about it, you're making the whole situation worse. Let me give you an example from another sphere of life entirely.

Think about a jealous man. What happens to his relationship? He constantly seeks reassurance from his wife, which does three things: Firstly, he's feeding his own distress, because he's always asking about some man, some attention his wife received, whatever. Secondly, he wears his wife out because she's having to account for every five minutes of her life, so she becomes less loving. And thirdly, the jealous man remains one-down, stays anxious and vulnerable, retains his feeling of powerlessness.

Do you see? Your anxiety is becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy. You are creating your own unhappiness. The good news is that this means the solution is in your hands. Nobody believes you're a paedophile. A lot of people believe you're a nice but anxious and troubled man. And they are right. Go back to your doctor. Or go to a good therapist who will help you seek the solution where it truly lies, namely not in the rumour about paedophilia, but in your early upbringing, when you learned to be afraid. And don't dismiss medication out of hand. Sure, it's only a crutch. But all of us need crutches sometimes. Anyway, at least talk to your doctor again. The bottom line is that the solution to your distress is in your hands. Go get the help you need to fix it. And thank you for turning to me. I hope I've let you see that your trust was well placed.

My Boyfriend Is An Alcoholic

Question
I'm a 37 year old mother of three. I had two daughters with my ex-husband and have one 3 year old son with my boyfriend.

My 'boyfriend' is a raging alcoholic and a mean one at that. Two years ago I purchased my first home and I love it. Unfortunately I can't sustain the mortgage payment based on my salary alone, although the house is solely in my name.

During my last pregnancy I put on a significant amount of weight. My mother died last year, which has also left me feeling depressed. Shortly after she died, my boyfriend was caught by police on a drink-driving offence and may yet face a custodial sentence. I feel like my life is spiralling out of control.

I am so overwhelmed I don't know how to get back to a peaceful place. I would really like to keep my house and somehow have the boyfriend leave. I have put up with his drinking for five years now. It's been an emotional roller-coaster and I would like to get off. I think that due to my lack of self-confidence I'm scared to move jobs. Yet I need to earn more.

I would do anything to keep my house and provide a stable environment for my kids. But I'm out of ideas. Some days I just want to pack up and run.

Answer
Your lack of self-confidence isn't just stopping you finding a better job. It's stopping you from acting in your own best interest.

I hear you when you say you want rid of your boyfriend. But I also understand that this may not be entirely emotionally true. What is real is your need to be treated properly. And alcoholics, mean or otherwise, don't treat their loved ones properly. Apart from any unhappiness this may cause, the problem is that you can't feel good about yourself if you stay around someone who treats you badly. Your self-esteem stays low. And you fail to make the right decisions.

The bottom line, therefore, is that either your boyfriend cleans up his act, or you have to shift. And maybe you already know that he won't - that's down to you. Either way, I don't mean running away. You have to stand up and fight for what you need, which is a stable home for your kids and some peace of mind for yourself. To do that, you need to clear your mind of any fixed ideas. You have to leave your comfort zone - which includes your lack of self-confidence. Yes, you have to ditch it.

You need a better paying job: Go look for one. Lack of confidence is a luxury you can't afford just now. You're too fat. Forget it. It's not a priority issue right now. You miss your mother. That's a hard one, but your sorrow has to be shelved for now. You have a fight on your hands. You can't be bogged down with side issues, no matter how important. And yes, you have to face it: You may even have to sell the house in order to sever the link with your boyfriend, if that's what it takes.

Believe me, I am not being unsympathetic. Nor am I suggesting that any of your feelings are unreal, or unimportant. What I'm saying is that we never have a clear field for a fight. There are always other considerations. We get ready for battle not by clearing the decks, but by sidelining the issues which stop us from seeing our main goal. You want a civilised space in which to live and rear your children. Do whatever it takes to achieve that goal. And although you don't know it, you're already more than half way there. Change happens if we want it badly enough. And you do.

I Am Hooked On Food

Question
I've been struggling with food for the past 15 years. I am now thirty, newly married and truly ready to develop a healthy relationship with food. But I'm finding this very difficult. As a teenager I was anorexic and to-day I struggle with binge or emotional eating. I just can't seem to eat normally.

I have attended counsellors, doctors and support groups over the years. It helped, as I am now aware of my chaotic relationship with food and I know that recovery is possible. However, whatever is needed to recover just hasn't clicked with me. As soon as I face a crisis, be it major or minor, food is what I turn to, to sooth myself with, or to punish myself with through starvation.

I feel I'm on information overload when it comes to eating disorders. Honestly I could write a book about them. But I can't seem to break free and move on with my life. My real problem right now is that I'm very overweight due to binge eating and this makes me very unhappy.

No matter what I tell myself, my weight still measures my self-worth. I know the sensible thing to do would be to go on a healthy diet and lose the pounds. However I really don't want to go down the dieting route as in the past this has sent me into a state of anxiety while I obsess over everything that I eat.

How do I become a normal eater and maintain a normal weight without causing myself so much misery? My husband is a great man and I want to enjoy our marriage. But I'm so preoccupied with my own problems that I am moody and withdrawn towards him. He doesn't know what to make of me as I've kept my eating problems secret for all these years. Please help.

Answer
You're addicted. The bad news is that because your addiction is food, you can't simply give it up. The good news is that precisely because it is food, you can clearly see that addiction is emotional. Alcoholism isn't about alcohol. It's about how we feel. The same applies to the abuse of drugs, illegal or prescribed. What drives us to misuse substances is psychological distress. For what it's worth in terms of enlightenment, the same applies to workaholics, or those hooked on the high of excessive exercise.

Excess is of the mind. The substance, or behaviour, we choose is merely a matter of accident or opportunity or circumstance. So you are right. Forget the food. Ditch any notion of diet. The focus on food is just a distraction.

One of the reasons I liked Freud was because he understood the nature of compulsion. As long as someone goes on doing what he's doing, he can avoid the real emotional issues which drive him. If you keep getting angry as your first line of defence, or keep giving in for the sake of peace, you miss the real point. It's only when we give up a habitual response that we can see what fuels it, face the demons that drive it. Which is why a person has to stop drinking, or doing drugs, or working ridiculously long hours, or being a total doormat, or using her fists, in order to deal with the self-hatred, fear and justifiable anger which lies buried in her heart.

You can see the difficulty with an eating disorder when it comes to discovering what lies behind it. You can't stop eating. Controlling the eating just intensifies the focus on food. It's a compulsion which is hard to handle, not because the issues are more serious, but because you can't stop the compulsive behaviour. That makes it harder to face the fear.

Don't let that daunt you. If we've lost our temper all our lives or been a doormat all our lives, that's hard to rectify too. Sometimes giving in is the right thing to do. So is justifiable anger. So is working long hours for that matter. It isn't always appropriate to stop these behaviours. Yet if our lives are a misery as a result, we have to look at our souls, hearts and minds to hear what's really going on. And we have to do so without the clarity of feelings such as fear, anxiety and anger, which surface quickly once a compulsion is halted.
You don't measure your self-worth in terms of your weight. You're holding anger and anxiety at bay by doing a control routine with food. Comfort eating is a substitute for handling the pain. So what's the pain? That's the only question.

As I'm sure you know, I'm a big fan of secrets. People tell too much to-day, just as they told too little in times past. I'm not sure, though, that keeping your husband in the dark about your despair is a good idea. Lack of communication is damaging to any relationship. On top of that, I'm guessing that to some extent it's shame which keeps you silent. To which my question is: What is there to be ashamed of? Something damaged you so badly in your youth that the scars still hurt enormously. Anyone who loves you will feel concern, not contempt. And no, I'm not letting you off the hook. Of course you're responsible for yourself, and must tackle your despair. But a little help from someone who loves you might be nice too.

You may also have kept the secret because you're afraid of losing control, of being seen as someone who is weak and can be walked on, or taken over. Except you're not really in control anyway right now are you? Oh I know you've been making superhuman efforts over the last 15 years. It's just that sometimes we misuse our strength, are truly brave, fight unbelievable battles, but on the wrong front.

Go see a serious therapist. And consider at least letting your husband in on some of your misery, so he won't misunderstand your emotional withdrawal. It might also help to go to a good acupuncturist. After all, the mind and body are one. And sometimes we can access emotional problems through treating the body, just as we can access physical problems through treating the mind and soul.