30th November, 2008
Question
I have fallen out with a neighbour. We both have two sons and used to be on very friendly terms.
Her eldest boy has been bullying my youngest son for years. It started when my little fellow was only four, and my neighbour's son was 8 years old. At the beginning it wasn't bad, partially because I kept my son away from this older boy, and supervised him as much as I could when their paths did cross. And obviously this was easier when he was young. Things came to a head only recently.
My son, now aged 9, came home crying from school, having been targeted not just by the bullying boy next door, but by a gang of his friends too. To make matters worse, my neighbour's younger son, who is also 9, took part too. I spoke to my neighbour in a friendly tone, saying that while I didn't know who started it, there had been some fighting and I wanted to let her know.
All hell broke loose, with my neighbour accusing me of telling outrageous lies. And since then she herself has been hassling my son. She glares at him continuously when he's playing sports, whispers with her sons when he passes by, sniggers when he is within earshot. I also know that she had been bad-mouthing my son and the rest of my family to other neighbours.
My husband and I now ignore her, but she is undoubtedly doing damage and I am concerned in particular about the effect it may have on my son. Reasoning with her is out of the question. She clearly believes that her sons are angels and mine are demons. I'm at a loss.
Answer
Problems with neighbours can quickly seem so far-reaching that they appear intractable, unmanageable, beyond our capacity to cope. It's important to stay focussed. Otherwise you despair.
As you rightly said, your son is your main concern. More precisely, it's vital that he doesn't become a victim. And although it may not seem that way, you've already taken an important step in that direction. You challenged your neighbour about bullying that had been going on for years. No, I'm not implying you should have done it earlier. You made a judgment call that you could protect your son, without creating a scene. That's fine. The point is, you made a move when you had to.
Bullying doesn't just involve the bullies themselves. The victim plays a subtle but vital role too. He may have no choice. But he is a participant. By facing down your neighbour, however tactfully, you sent a clear message to your son that the neighbour's boys – and their accomplices – were seriously out of line. You taught him that the fault lay with them, not him. And you taught him to stand up for himself. I know it's not pleasant. But bullying happens just about everywhere. It was something your son needed to learn.
From the sounds of it, the lesson is on-going, since your neighbour is behaving badly. What your son needs to hear is that she's being a bully, just like her sons, albeit using different tactics. Perhaps you can reflect with him that maybe your neighbour thought your family were a soft touch because you tried to avoid trouble in the early days. Certainly you can tell him that being civilised sometimes leads people to think you're soft. This is not a lesson in retaliation. It's about the certainty of who is right and who is wrong.
You can't stop some stroppy woman giggling on the sidelines of a sports-field. Nor can you stop her talking to neighbours silly enough to listen. You can, and should, ask your son what he feels he needs in order to feel confident and calm in the face of this, and other potential bullying scenes. Would he like to do some martial art training, not to fight, but to carry himself with confidence? Or does he simply need permission to use sharp language which will show he's not to be messed with? What self-defence strategy would he feel comfortable with?
Like I said, you've already done the right thing. You stood up to your neighbour, which meant standing up for your son. You're still doing that. You're not actually at a loss. You're teaching your son the most important lesson of all, namely a proper sense of self-worth.
Showing posts with label Parent / Teen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parent / Teen. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Should I Bring My Children To A Psychologist?
28th September, 2008
Question
I'm 27, the mother of two daughters aged 7 and 9 years old. Last Saturday my husband took our children out shopping while I went to my regular gym session. When I returned home I was accosted by two burglars, who said they wouldn't hurt me, but would have to tie me up. That sent a quiver through me, but I'm very fit and agile and I thought I'd be able to get free quickly.
As it turned out, I couldn't because they had bound me so tightly and gagged me too. I could not get loose and had to lie there until my family returned about three hours later. The kids helped my husband untie me and were very comforting and quite calm. That evening as I put them to bed I assured them I was fine and that being tied up was not such a terrible ordeal.
I have discussed with my husband the possibility that we should make an appointment with a psychologist to talk to the girls. Even though they seem to have taken this event in their stride, I think finding their mother bound and gagged on the floor could have some lingering emotional effect on them. My husband worries that sessions with a psychologist could put concerns and fears into their heads that are not there at the moment. They are behaving normally and I'm not sure what to do. We moved abroad two years ago, so there's no family around to talk to about this.
Answer
I clearly can't give a definitive diagnosis on how your kids are coping. And as you are undoubtedly aware, trauma counselling has become commonplace. Psychologists are called into all kinds of situations, to see if children are coping after some sad or frightening incident like the death of a classmate. The basic principle is that it's good to get children talking about what happened. Too often they push fearful things away, only to be haunted by them later.
I don't know if your children actually need professional counselling. And I do understand your husband's concern that the formality of being taken to a therapist might make a mountain out of a molehill. I do believe, however, that your children need to be encouraged to talk about what happened. This isn't about asking them a series of particularly pointed questions. It's about creating an atmosphere of openness, raising the topic in general terms, telling them that sometimes we're shocked and don't even know it. It's also important to watch out for stress responses which may set in later, like bedwetting, or reluctance to go to school, or anxiety about where you are - at which point you need to talk to them about fear and feelings of insecurity.
The bottom line is that children need to be reassured that they are safe, because their parents are strong and can cope. Which brings me to my real point. How are you? Certainly it wasn't a nice experience for your children. But it was a truly terrifying one for you. You were terribly brave. And despite what you felt you had to tell them as you tucked them into bed, it was a dreadful ordeal. My concern is that you're burying that reality. I don't doubt the legitimacy of your worries about your children. But are you focussing on them as part of hiding from your own terror? It's a pretty standard response, and I'm not in any way knocking you. That's what trauma does. It sends the psyche into hiding. So how about you booking a session with a psychologist for yourself? And then see how it goes.
Question
I'm 27, the mother of two daughters aged 7 and 9 years old. Last Saturday my husband took our children out shopping while I went to my regular gym session. When I returned home I was accosted by two burglars, who said they wouldn't hurt me, but would have to tie me up. That sent a quiver through me, but I'm very fit and agile and I thought I'd be able to get free quickly.
As it turned out, I couldn't because they had bound me so tightly and gagged me too. I could not get loose and had to lie there until my family returned about three hours later. The kids helped my husband untie me and were very comforting and quite calm. That evening as I put them to bed I assured them I was fine and that being tied up was not such a terrible ordeal.
I have discussed with my husband the possibility that we should make an appointment with a psychologist to talk to the girls. Even though they seem to have taken this event in their stride, I think finding their mother bound and gagged on the floor could have some lingering emotional effect on them. My husband worries that sessions with a psychologist could put concerns and fears into their heads that are not there at the moment. They are behaving normally and I'm not sure what to do. We moved abroad two years ago, so there's no family around to talk to about this.
Answer
I clearly can't give a definitive diagnosis on how your kids are coping. And as you are undoubtedly aware, trauma counselling has become commonplace. Psychologists are called into all kinds of situations, to see if children are coping after some sad or frightening incident like the death of a classmate. The basic principle is that it's good to get children talking about what happened. Too often they push fearful things away, only to be haunted by them later.
I don't know if your children actually need professional counselling. And I do understand your husband's concern that the formality of being taken to a therapist might make a mountain out of a molehill. I do believe, however, that your children need to be encouraged to talk about what happened. This isn't about asking them a series of particularly pointed questions. It's about creating an atmosphere of openness, raising the topic in general terms, telling them that sometimes we're shocked and don't even know it. It's also important to watch out for stress responses which may set in later, like bedwetting, or reluctance to go to school, or anxiety about where you are - at which point you need to talk to them about fear and feelings of insecurity.
The bottom line is that children need to be reassured that they are safe, because their parents are strong and can cope. Which brings me to my real point. How are you? Certainly it wasn't a nice experience for your children. But it was a truly terrifying one for you. You were terribly brave. And despite what you felt you had to tell them as you tucked them into bed, it was a dreadful ordeal. My concern is that you're burying that reality. I don't doubt the legitimacy of your worries about your children. But are you focussing on them as part of hiding from your own terror? It's a pretty standard response, and I'm not in any way knocking you. That's what trauma does. It sends the psyche into hiding. So how about you booking a session with a psychologist for yourself? And then see how it goes.
My Adopted Son HAs Left Us
6th July, 2008
Question
I'm at my wits' end. I have a son who is adopted and we've lost contact with him. He dropped out of college, even though he'd done quite well in his first year exams. He just said he wanted to have a good time, and has moved in with his girlfriend, who lives about 15 minutes away from us. He's had various jobs, but they only last a few days and then he fails to turn up for work because he's had a late night and slept in.
My biggest upset, however, is the lack of contact. I feel he no longer loves us and this causes huge depression both in myself and my husband. It upsets our other children too. This was a very close family, we've always spent huge amounts of time together, and none of us can understand why he now ignores us. I also know he has taken drugs such as cannabis and I fear he could end up homeless and a drug addict.
We have spent many hours talking to him but it always ends up in arguments. He seems to be totally lacking in commitment, or any sense of responsibility, and at the moment he doesn't feel any love for anyone in his family. From time to time he has said that of course he loves his family and wants to see us, but then he goes off again and forgets us.
The problem does not lie in adoption. I know that, even though it has been suggested to me that it could be an issue. Knowing my child, I know it's pure selfishness. Although a lovely loving child, he has always been very selfish, with no self-discipline, no ability to postpone pleasure. He is very popular and has many friends, or so-called friends. But I wonder what will happen when they all move on and he is left with nothing, no job, no qualifications. It scares me.
I feel so depressed at times that it's affecting my relationship with my husband and my other children. My husband feels depressed too. He is a very loving man and has spent all his time with the kids down through the years. It breaks my heart to see him suffer.
Answer
The hardest task a parent faces is to let go. And that's the task you're facing right now. In common parlance, you need to toughen up. And truly, that's not meant to be nasty. If a child causes us to be depressed, then that's our responsibility, not the child's. In fact, even putting it like that is wrong. Your son isn't causing your depression, or that of your husband. As parents you are responding with depression to the way he behaves. Said differently, your son can't be expected to run his life based on the principle of keeping mum and dad happy.
I do know that sounds provocative, even hurtful, and I am sorry. There just isn't any other way I can think of to say what needs to be said. Your letter, as it reads, is primarily about you, and your husband, rather than about your son. And that's fine. It's just important that you recognise that fact. You are hurt and deeply disappointed. You're asking for help to deal with that.
You're right. This isn't primarily about adoption. You are confronted with a son who is refusing to conform. Sure, the fact that he's adopted could have singled him out somewhat within the family. It is not, however, either a reason or an excuse for his behaviour. He has chosen to drop out. And in order to be comfortable with that, he's avoiding his family. He doesn't want the hassle.
Nobody would choose to be in your shoes. It's not nice to have a bright son leave college, dabble in drugs, and mess about with his life. But he must be at least 19, a man according to the laws of the land, and beyond your active control. He's making his own decisions.
Your son is staying away for several reasons. Like I said, he doesn't want the hassle of hearing your disapproval. He doesn't want the comparisons either, doesn't want to see the discrepancy between the way he's leading his life and the way the rest of the family lead theirs. He's dodging reality if you like - or one particular reality. Perhaps, too, he sees the closeness of the family as claustrophobic. And probably most importantly of all, he doesn't want to deal with your emotional distress. He doesn't want the responsibility of your unhappiness. What can I say. He's 19 or 20 years old. Of course he's selfish.
It's very important that you nurture and console yourself. This is not your fault. You've done your best. More importantly, you love your son. The first step, therefore, is to stop depending on him for your happiness. What he does is not about you, about how successful or unsuccessful you were as a parent. It's about him. Disengage. See him as a separate human being, forging his own way in life, making his own mistakes. And do likewise - I mean make your own life with your husband.
I know it's a neat trick, but what you need to do is give your son some slack, without condoning his choices. The message you want to send is two-fold: You love him, but are not going to die of despair if he distances himself for a while. And secondly, you love him, value his company, and ultimately accept that it's his life, even though you disapprove.
That way, you could have a coffee with him in Starbucks without discussing his life-style. You could text him that you're off on holidays with his dad. You could ring him and say you're on your own next Saturday in the shopping centre and would he like to help you carry your bags.
It's called faith, in your own parenting, in the strength of the loving bonds which bind you and your son, in the family's ability to help pick him up if he falls, and above all, in your son's capacity to cope as an individual human being. Go get happy with your husband. It's time.
Question
I'm at my wits' end. I have a son who is adopted and we've lost contact with him. He dropped out of college, even though he'd done quite well in his first year exams. He just said he wanted to have a good time, and has moved in with his girlfriend, who lives about 15 minutes away from us. He's had various jobs, but they only last a few days and then he fails to turn up for work because he's had a late night and slept in.
My biggest upset, however, is the lack of contact. I feel he no longer loves us and this causes huge depression both in myself and my husband. It upsets our other children too. This was a very close family, we've always spent huge amounts of time together, and none of us can understand why he now ignores us. I also know he has taken drugs such as cannabis and I fear he could end up homeless and a drug addict.
We have spent many hours talking to him but it always ends up in arguments. He seems to be totally lacking in commitment, or any sense of responsibility, and at the moment he doesn't feel any love for anyone in his family. From time to time he has said that of course he loves his family and wants to see us, but then he goes off again and forgets us.
The problem does not lie in adoption. I know that, even though it has been suggested to me that it could be an issue. Knowing my child, I know it's pure selfishness. Although a lovely loving child, he has always been very selfish, with no self-discipline, no ability to postpone pleasure. He is very popular and has many friends, or so-called friends. But I wonder what will happen when they all move on and he is left with nothing, no job, no qualifications. It scares me.
I feel so depressed at times that it's affecting my relationship with my husband and my other children. My husband feels depressed too. He is a very loving man and has spent all his time with the kids down through the years. It breaks my heart to see him suffer.
Answer
The hardest task a parent faces is to let go. And that's the task you're facing right now. In common parlance, you need to toughen up. And truly, that's not meant to be nasty. If a child causes us to be depressed, then that's our responsibility, not the child's. In fact, even putting it like that is wrong. Your son isn't causing your depression, or that of your husband. As parents you are responding with depression to the way he behaves. Said differently, your son can't be expected to run his life based on the principle of keeping mum and dad happy.
I do know that sounds provocative, even hurtful, and I am sorry. There just isn't any other way I can think of to say what needs to be said. Your letter, as it reads, is primarily about you, and your husband, rather than about your son. And that's fine. It's just important that you recognise that fact. You are hurt and deeply disappointed. You're asking for help to deal with that.
You're right. This isn't primarily about adoption. You are confronted with a son who is refusing to conform. Sure, the fact that he's adopted could have singled him out somewhat within the family. It is not, however, either a reason or an excuse for his behaviour. He has chosen to drop out. And in order to be comfortable with that, he's avoiding his family. He doesn't want the hassle.
Nobody would choose to be in your shoes. It's not nice to have a bright son leave college, dabble in drugs, and mess about with his life. But he must be at least 19, a man according to the laws of the land, and beyond your active control. He's making his own decisions.
Your son is staying away for several reasons. Like I said, he doesn't want the hassle of hearing your disapproval. He doesn't want the comparisons either, doesn't want to see the discrepancy between the way he's leading his life and the way the rest of the family lead theirs. He's dodging reality if you like - or one particular reality. Perhaps, too, he sees the closeness of the family as claustrophobic. And probably most importantly of all, he doesn't want to deal with your emotional distress. He doesn't want the responsibility of your unhappiness. What can I say. He's 19 or 20 years old. Of course he's selfish.
It's very important that you nurture and console yourself. This is not your fault. You've done your best. More importantly, you love your son. The first step, therefore, is to stop depending on him for your happiness. What he does is not about you, about how successful or unsuccessful you were as a parent. It's about him. Disengage. See him as a separate human being, forging his own way in life, making his own mistakes. And do likewise - I mean make your own life with your husband.
I know it's a neat trick, but what you need to do is give your son some slack, without condoning his choices. The message you want to send is two-fold: You love him, but are not going to die of despair if he distances himself for a while. And secondly, you love him, value his company, and ultimately accept that it's his life, even though you disapprove.
That way, you could have a coffee with him in Starbucks without discussing his life-style. You could text him that you're off on holidays with his dad. You could ring him and say you're on your own next Saturday in the shopping centre and would he like to help you carry your bags.
It's called faith, in your own parenting, in the strength of the loving bonds which bind you and your son, in the family's ability to help pick him up if he falls, and above all, in your son's capacity to cope as an individual human being. Go get happy with your husband. It's time.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
How Do I Convince My Parents I Am Not A Waster?
20th January, 2008
Question
Just a one-liner, looking for moral support, I suppose. I dropped out of college at the end of my first year. That was last summer and the war is still raging at home. I haven't been idle. I've worked and made myself financially independent, more or less. I'm also trying to figure out what I really want to do. Christmas was awful. How do I convince my parents that I'm not a waster?
Answer
By persevering. Your parents aren't being very wise, but their concern is understandable. On the other hand, you did what you had to do. So you have to agree to disagree and get on with it. It might help, however, to understand what lurks behind parental outrage. They're frightened you don't understand reality, don't see that college fees must now be met, that degrees are like the Leaving Cert used to be in terms of street cred and job opportunities, that earning money matters more than it ever did, that friends become alienated when we take a different path, that it's easy in this life to get lost. Show them you understand all that and they'll probably simmer down. Good luck.
Question
Just a one-liner, looking for moral support, I suppose. I dropped out of college at the end of my first year. That was last summer and the war is still raging at home. I haven't been idle. I've worked and made myself financially independent, more or less. I'm also trying to figure out what I really want to do. Christmas was awful. How do I convince my parents that I'm not a waster?
Answer
By persevering. Your parents aren't being very wise, but their concern is understandable. On the other hand, you did what you had to do. So you have to agree to disagree and get on with it. It might help, however, to understand what lurks behind parental outrage. They're frightened you don't understand reality, don't see that college fees must now be met, that degrees are like the Leaving Cert used to be in terms of street cred and job opportunities, that earning money matters more than it ever did, that friends become alienated when we take a different path, that it's easy in this life to get lost. Show them you understand all that and they'll probably simmer down. Good luck.
My Friend Is Cutting Herself Off
13th January, 2008
Question
We are seeking advice about our friend. She has been cutting herself for the past few years and we only found out six months ago. She won't tell us why she does this. And we can only get her to talk when she's drunk. Even at that it's a struggle.
We've convinced her to write a journal, which she's been doing for a couple of weeks, and she says it's helping. But we think she should do more. Her parents and siblings don't know, and she's not close to them. So we don't know if they would be able to help her anyway. She is quite against going to counselling and seems to want to pretend it's not a big deal. What can we do to help? We're all at college.
Answer
Part of the reason your friend won't tell you why she's cutting herself is because she doesn't know herself. Well she doesn't know in any clear and direct fashion - like recognising, for example, that what's she's doing is punishing herself, inappropriately, for reasons that lie in her past. And she pretty definitely has no understanding of why she's chosen cutting herself, as opposed say to being aggressive, or so depressed she can't get up in the morning.
When we're in trouble psychologically - which your friend clearly is - the biggest stumbling block is often the fog of confusion which fills our head. The symptom - in your friend's case self-harm - is just that, a symptom. It's like having a high temperature, where the causes can be as diverse as pneumonia or blood-poisoning. It's just that with psychological symptoms, the cause can be harder to trace, because emotions are more malleable, more capable of hiding, than physical complaints.
Maybe something extremely unpleasant happened your friend, about which she feels both anger and shame and self-disgust, feelings which are common to all victims. That, in some ways, would be an easier scenario to resolve. Psychologically speaking it's better if something specific happened, however unpleasant, because it's easier to access. Much harder is an all-pervasive sense of being unworthy, unloved, unheard, unseen, which can, for example, be the legacy of parents who criticise too much and praise too little, however unwittingly.
Emotional damage unquestioningly feeds your friend's behaviour. It's just a question of what caused it. And like I said, your friend herself may not know, or more precisely, may not consciously know. Behind that fog of confusion of course she knows. We all know what hurt us. It's just a question of carefully digging.
You are right. Such self-harm is a big deal. You're also right in hesitating before contacting your friend's family. I'm not saying it's out of the question. I am saying that it's a dilemma, because you're truly entering the unknown, are in danger of alienating your friend, and thus cutting off what currently seems to be her only life-line. On the other hand, your friend clearly needs help. Apart from anything else, I don't like the fact that she gets drunk. That's just another form of self-abuse. The fact that she then, and only then, talks about her distress points to the clear possibility that she uses alcohol as a means of emotional release. Not good.
Yes, keeping a diary is not enough and yes again, she needs counselling. You're clearly wonderful friends. Stick very close, coax and cajole her to see a professional, and be ready to contact someone in authority, be it the family or college counsellor, if she fails to respond and you feel even more worried. Your friend is in trouble. I'm very glad she has you. I'm sure she is too.
Question
We are seeking advice about our friend. She has been cutting herself for the past few years and we only found out six months ago. She won't tell us why she does this. And we can only get her to talk when she's drunk. Even at that it's a struggle.
We've convinced her to write a journal, which she's been doing for a couple of weeks, and she says it's helping. But we think she should do more. Her parents and siblings don't know, and she's not close to them. So we don't know if they would be able to help her anyway. She is quite against going to counselling and seems to want to pretend it's not a big deal. What can we do to help? We're all at college.
Answer
Part of the reason your friend won't tell you why she's cutting herself is because she doesn't know herself. Well she doesn't know in any clear and direct fashion - like recognising, for example, that what's she's doing is punishing herself, inappropriately, for reasons that lie in her past. And she pretty definitely has no understanding of why she's chosen cutting herself, as opposed say to being aggressive, or so depressed she can't get up in the morning.
When we're in trouble psychologically - which your friend clearly is - the biggest stumbling block is often the fog of confusion which fills our head. The symptom - in your friend's case self-harm - is just that, a symptom. It's like having a high temperature, where the causes can be as diverse as pneumonia or blood-poisoning. It's just that with psychological symptoms, the cause can be harder to trace, because emotions are more malleable, more capable of hiding, than physical complaints.
Maybe something extremely unpleasant happened your friend, about which she feels both anger and shame and self-disgust, feelings which are common to all victims. That, in some ways, would be an easier scenario to resolve. Psychologically speaking it's better if something specific happened, however unpleasant, because it's easier to access. Much harder is an all-pervasive sense of being unworthy, unloved, unheard, unseen, which can, for example, be the legacy of parents who criticise too much and praise too little, however unwittingly.
Emotional damage unquestioningly feeds your friend's behaviour. It's just a question of what caused it. And like I said, your friend herself may not know, or more precisely, may not consciously know. Behind that fog of confusion of course she knows. We all know what hurt us. It's just a question of carefully digging.
You are right. Such self-harm is a big deal. You're also right in hesitating before contacting your friend's family. I'm not saying it's out of the question. I am saying that it's a dilemma, because you're truly entering the unknown, are in danger of alienating your friend, and thus cutting off what currently seems to be her only life-line. On the other hand, your friend clearly needs help. Apart from anything else, I don't like the fact that she gets drunk. That's just another form of self-abuse. The fact that she then, and only then, talks about her distress points to the clear possibility that she uses alcohol as a means of emotional release. Not good.
Yes, keeping a diary is not enough and yes again, she needs counselling. You're clearly wonderful friends. Stick very close, coax and cajole her to see a professional, and be ready to contact someone in authority, be it the family or college counsellor, if she fails to respond and you feel even more worried. Your friend is in trouble. I'm very glad she has you. I'm sure she is too.
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