6th December, 2009
Question
I'm at my wits' end. My almost-17 year old son is doing my head in. His dad died when he was small and there's only been him and me since then. We always got on really well, could always talk to each other, but in the last six months everything has changed. He has started to hang out with a different group at school and as a result has changed utterly.
He has started to smoke and drink, two things he used to turn his nose up at. I have no problem with him having a social drink, and he only drinks at parties, not at home and not in a pub. But the smoking has become serious. He has stolen cigarettes from his aunt and from me. To-day I found out that he had also stolen money from me - to buy cigarettes. And he lied about it. He is constantly lying to me about what he's doing and where he's going.
He is very talented musically and academically, and has a wonderful future ahead of him. He's doing his Leaving Cert next year. But he will no longer listen to any advice I give him. I am not an overbearing parent who gets his back up. I always listen to him, try to see his point of view, and give advice without actually telling him what to do. What really bothers me is the stealing from me, and the lies about what he's doing. Only to-day he told me he was going to a particular party with some friends I know, and I've just found out that these friends are not going with him at all.
I'm totally at my wits' end with him. I can't believe anything he tells me. I really believe that a teenage boy needs the discipline that only a father can give. Unfortunately a mother uses 'softer' discipline that doesn't seem to work. He's tall, too big to deal with physically. And denying him the internet, computer games etc. doesn't seem to work. I don't know how to get things back on track. The atmosphere in the house is unbearable at the moment. He is only happy when he gets his own way, and gets everything he wants. I can't, or won't go along with that. I want to bring up a good, independent young man who will not expect to have everything he wants. What can I do to make him behave like the half-decent person he used to be?
Answer
Oh but you can't lose faith in your son now. He wasn't just a half-decent person in the past. He was a good and very decent human being. And he still is. Such despair, of course, is really a loss of faith in yourself as a parent. And you can't do that either. Panic has no part in parenting, particularly when our children start finding their own feet, as your son is attempting to do. Of course he's making a mess of it. But that's all he's doing. He hasn't suddenly become a bad person.
Let's deal with the dad issue first. Yes, two parents make it easier in terms of keeping the communication lines open, particularly when some specific disciplinary action has to be taken. But that's different than thinking your son needs a father as someone who will make him do what he's told, simply because he's bigger or stronger. Your son doesn't need a heavy hand, he needs a skilled and steady hand. And that's something you can do. Of course your son also needs role models on how to be a man, which is what he's obviously seeking. And yes, a strong steady man in the house helps hugely. But role models can be found elsewhere, and you just need to be wise enough to steer your son towards them.
I simply don't believe your son suddenly wants everything. I don't hear any real sounds of greediness, or excessive demands for consumer items, or insisting on expensive life-style choices. What I hear is a struggle to be independent. He just doesn't know how to do it properly. You have to show him how.
Frankly, when it comes to the cigarettes, you haven't got a leg to stand on. You smoke. He lives in a smoking household. Can't you see? In psychological terms, it's the ideal place for a struggling young male identity to challenge your authority. Because on this one, you have no authority. Yes, I know it's against the law for him to buy cigarettes, and yes, I know that nobody should smoke, and yes, I understand that all parents ask their children to do things they haven't managed themselves, but there you have it. He's chosen a good battle ground. You need to back off. Unless, of course, you love him - and yourself - enough to give up the cigarettes. And I do understand that that's a big ask.
Stealing money is unacceptable, particularly in the home. People can't live together without basic trust. If you have to take your purse with you to the toilet, then domestic togetherness becomes impossible. Have an adult discussion about this. Agree on a reasonable level of pocket-money. And never use withdrawal of pocket money as a disciplinary measure. Some financial independence and discretionary income is essential for a 17 year old. Kids generally co-operate on this. After all, they don't want to pack up their ipods, computers, and favourite trainers every time they go to the toilet either. It's something they understand.
You won't be told lies if you don't ask unnecessary awkward questions. Put another way, parents have to choose their battle-grounds carefully, only getting involved in the issues that really count. Disliking everything your son does will only get his back up. Are this new crowd he hangs around with a problem gang? Find out from his teachers. Or are they just an opportunity for him to move away from the tight circle of family and neighbours, to be his own man? I mean, if he's slipped into a bad drugs scene, or serious drinking scene or even criminal scene, then you have to move, hard and fast, with whatever help you can get. Otherwise, learn to like it, because it's independence you're fighting, and that's not good.
Don't drive your son away by allowing the atmosphere in the house to sour. Smile and laugh and show him you love him. Trust him. And above all, trust yourself. What would he say to you when in a good mood? Lighten up mum? Exactly.
Showing posts with label Troubled Teens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Troubled Teens. Show all posts
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Absent Father
13th September, 2009
Question
I'm a 17 year old girl and was raised by my single mother and grandparents. My parents never married and I see very little of my father.
Two years ago my mother told me that my father is married and has children. Since I am an only child, I would really like to see them. The problem is that none of his family, not even his mother, know anything about my existence. My was very ashamed about my birth, and about it happening outside marriage. But my mother is also an only child, so I don't have any aunts or uncles, except on my father's side, and I always wanted family. My father didn't meet his wife until after I was born, so my parents didn't have an affaire or anything.
I'm wary of making an approach. My half-siblings are quite young and I'm afraid it might break up my father's marriage. And what if they don't like me, or are ashamed of me like my father is? I have absolutely no idea what to do and this really plagues me.
Answer
Would it not make sense to approach your parents on this one? Or particularly, perhaps, your father? It's not as if you are total strangers. You see him sometimes. What's wrong with you expressing your desire to meet your half-brothers and sisters? Yes, I understand that you presume he would be completely against it. But that doesn't mean that you're confronted with an insurmountable obstacle.
Your parents came to their arrangement - namely that their relationship remain secret - when you were a tiny baby, or perhaps not even born. You didn't have a voice. They didn't consider the effect of their agreement on you. Fine - well not fine, but let's just accept that. Things have changed now, however. You're old enough to have your own voice, your own desires, your own stand-point. That means that your parents are confronted with a new reality - namely the fact that you'd like to explore the possibility of being part of a sibling group. Your desire is entirely valid. They have to consider it. But to do so, you have to voice it. You have to let them know that their cosy arrangement is not so cosy anymore.
I know you feel powerless. The temptation, therefore, is to stay silent about your dreams. Or else to do a solo run and contact your father's new family. I don't think you should do either of those things. Staying silent means accepting sadness without a fight. Not good. Doing a solo run and approaching the other children is, I think, doomed to failure. It's an act of desperation, isn't it? The kids would run scared, since they are still young, and world war three would break out on all fronts. It's also disloyal isn't it? Bypassing your parents, without giving then a chance to listen, and act on your wishes.
Believe me, I don't think for one minute that your parents acted wisely. They failed to think through how you would feel when you were old enough to understand. They sort of took away your vote didn't they? I just don't want you to feel so powerless, given that you feel you can't fight to get that vote back. And I certainly don't want you to set yourself up for failure.
So we're back where we started. Tell your mother how you feel. Tell your father too. In fact, taking the initiative, however discretely, of looking for a visit from him so that you can talk - rather than waiting around for him to turn up - isn't a bad place to start. Then see how it goes. It's important that we choose our battles in life in such a way that we maximise our chances of winning.
Finally, it goes without saying that you are not someone to be ashamed of. You're a great kid. If someone, or society at large, messed with your parents' heads, then so be it. None of that reflects on you. They made their mistakes. You made none. So never give into the temptation of measuring yourself by their emotionally complicated response. And if the half-siblings reject you, then it's out of fear, anxiety about the situation, the distress the adults feel. It says nothing about you. Nobody can determine your worthiness except yourself. It's your actions which count.
Talk to your parents. Think through what is possible. And don't let anyone dent your self-belief.
Question
I'm a 17 year old girl and was raised by my single mother and grandparents. My parents never married and I see very little of my father.
Two years ago my mother told me that my father is married and has children. Since I am an only child, I would really like to see them. The problem is that none of his family, not even his mother, know anything about my existence. My was very ashamed about my birth, and about it happening outside marriage. But my mother is also an only child, so I don't have any aunts or uncles, except on my father's side, and I always wanted family. My father didn't meet his wife until after I was born, so my parents didn't have an affaire or anything.
I'm wary of making an approach. My half-siblings are quite young and I'm afraid it might break up my father's marriage. And what if they don't like me, or are ashamed of me like my father is? I have absolutely no idea what to do and this really plagues me.
Answer
Would it not make sense to approach your parents on this one? Or particularly, perhaps, your father? It's not as if you are total strangers. You see him sometimes. What's wrong with you expressing your desire to meet your half-brothers and sisters? Yes, I understand that you presume he would be completely against it. But that doesn't mean that you're confronted with an insurmountable obstacle.
Your parents came to their arrangement - namely that their relationship remain secret - when you were a tiny baby, or perhaps not even born. You didn't have a voice. They didn't consider the effect of their agreement on you. Fine - well not fine, but let's just accept that. Things have changed now, however. You're old enough to have your own voice, your own desires, your own stand-point. That means that your parents are confronted with a new reality - namely the fact that you'd like to explore the possibility of being part of a sibling group. Your desire is entirely valid. They have to consider it. But to do so, you have to voice it. You have to let them know that their cosy arrangement is not so cosy anymore.
I know you feel powerless. The temptation, therefore, is to stay silent about your dreams. Or else to do a solo run and contact your father's new family. I don't think you should do either of those things. Staying silent means accepting sadness without a fight. Not good. Doing a solo run and approaching the other children is, I think, doomed to failure. It's an act of desperation, isn't it? The kids would run scared, since they are still young, and world war three would break out on all fronts. It's also disloyal isn't it? Bypassing your parents, without giving then a chance to listen, and act on your wishes.
Believe me, I don't think for one minute that your parents acted wisely. They failed to think through how you would feel when you were old enough to understand. They sort of took away your vote didn't they? I just don't want you to feel so powerless, given that you feel you can't fight to get that vote back. And I certainly don't want you to set yourself up for failure.
So we're back where we started. Tell your mother how you feel. Tell your father too. In fact, taking the initiative, however discretely, of looking for a visit from him so that you can talk - rather than waiting around for him to turn up - isn't a bad place to start. Then see how it goes. It's important that we choose our battles in life in such a way that we maximise our chances of winning.
Finally, it goes without saying that you are not someone to be ashamed of. You're a great kid. If someone, or society at large, messed with your parents' heads, then so be it. None of that reflects on you. They made their mistakes. You made none. So never give into the temptation of measuring yourself by their emotionally complicated response. And if the half-siblings reject you, then it's out of fear, anxiety about the situation, the distress the adults feel. It says nothing about you. Nobody can determine your worthiness except yourself. It's your actions which count.
Talk to your parents. Think through what is possible. And don't let anyone dent your self-belief.
I'm Feeling Scared
29th March, 2009
Question
I'm 17 and come from a very good family. Nothing traumatic has ever occurred in my life. Yet I can feel very down and extremely alone. I hate feeling like this because I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it.
I have felt this way for some time. If I'm honest, I have very low self-esteem. I hate my body, even though I am neither overweight nor ugly. I feel everyone around me is living their life, and I just play a minor role in their lives, with no real life of my own.
I have a good social life and lots of people around me, yet I don't have somebody I can trust as I have been hurt by friends in the past. I've also never had a relationship with anybody, of any sort, and this has left me questioning my sexuality. As a result, I spend the majority of my time day-dreaming and in turn have been doing really terrible in my final year of school.
I know I sound pathetic, though I am scared because I don't know why I feel like this. I have tried very hard to snap out of this trance, but I can't. I literally feel numb inside.
Answer
Part of the challenge of being 17 is that nothing seems fixed, or certain. Things happen, but you don't recognise them, can't figure them out with any real accuracy. It's a voyage of discovery, and often very scary. That's why it's so important to talk. And that's why the first thing I have to say to you is find someone to confide in. Yes, I know your trust was betrayed by friends in the past and yes, I understand that friends seem the logical ones to turn to, but that's not always the case. Sometimes in life - and not just at 17 - we need a guiding hand, rather than shared experiences.
I accept that nothing traumatic has ever happened to you. But sometimes a steady drip can do more damage, not least because it's so hard to detect. If you have low self-esteem and hate your body, then you have suffered real emotional damage, however it came about. And being locked away in silence only makes it worse.
Numbness, like day-dreaming, is about self-protection. You feel helpless to change things, so you take flight from the world. It's certainly not a nice state of affairs. But don't be afraid. Your mind and heart are creatively finding a way to protect you. It's not a long-term solution, of course, but just your self-protective fighting spirit doing its best, and nothing to fear.
You do not sound pathetic. You sound human, and like all of us, simply in need of a helping hand. I promise you, your distress at the moment is primarily caused by isolation. Break that isolation, and things will seem brighter. Nor should you beat yourself up for how you feel. If you had pain in a sprained wrist you wouldn't give out to yourself would you? Why, then, would you do yourself down because you have a sprained spirit? You're emotionally hurt. That's OK.
Feeling anxious about your sexual orientation is understandable. You're starved of close human contact. Of course you wonder. Your sexual orientation, however, is not the issue here. It's your loneliness. In the absence of another point of view, without people who clearly express their affection and appreciation, you're left with that damage to your self-esteem, that negative attitude to yourself, that sense of helplessness.
Break out of the isolation. Talk to somebody. Start simply. Ring the Samaritans. Or open a conversation with your parents, tell them you feel lost, ask if you could go to see someone. Whatever it takes, make contact.
Question
I'm 17 and come from a very good family. Nothing traumatic has ever occurred in my life. Yet I can feel very down and extremely alone. I hate feeling like this because I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it.
I have felt this way for some time. If I'm honest, I have very low self-esteem. I hate my body, even though I am neither overweight nor ugly. I feel everyone around me is living their life, and I just play a minor role in their lives, with no real life of my own.
I have a good social life and lots of people around me, yet I don't have somebody I can trust as I have been hurt by friends in the past. I've also never had a relationship with anybody, of any sort, and this has left me questioning my sexuality. As a result, I spend the majority of my time day-dreaming and in turn have been doing really terrible in my final year of school.
I know I sound pathetic, though I am scared because I don't know why I feel like this. I have tried very hard to snap out of this trance, but I can't. I literally feel numb inside.
Answer
Part of the challenge of being 17 is that nothing seems fixed, or certain. Things happen, but you don't recognise them, can't figure them out with any real accuracy. It's a voyage of discovery, and often very scary. That's why it's so important to talk. And that's why the first thing I have to say to you is find someone to confide in. Yes, I know your trust was betrayed by friends in the past and yes, I understand that friends seem the logical ones to turn to, but that's not always the case. Sometimes in life - and not just at 17 - we need a guiding hand, rather than shared experiences.
I accept that nothing traumatic has ever happened to you. But sometimes a steady drip can do more damage, not least because it's so hard to detect. If you have low self-esteem and hate your body, then you have suffered real emotional damage, however it came about. And being locked away in silence only makes it worse.
Numbness, like day-dreaming, is about self-protection. You feel helpless to change things, so you take flight from the world. It's certainly not a nice state of affairs. But don't be afraid. Your mind and heart are creatively finding a way to protect you. It's not a long-term solution, of course, but just your self-protective fighting spirit doing its best, and nothing to fear.
You do not sound pathetic. You sound human, and like all of us, simply in need of a helping hand. I promise you, your distress at the moment is primarily caused by isolation. Break that isolation, and things will seem brighter. Nor should you beat yourself up for how you feel. If you had pain in a sprained wrist you wouldn't give out to yourself would you? Why, then, would you do yourself down because you have a sprained spirit? You're emotionally hurt. That's OK.
Feeling anxious about your sexual orientation is understandable. You're starved of close human contact. Of course you wonder. Your sexual orientation, however, is not the issue here. It's your loneliness. In the absence of another point of view, without people who clearly express their affection and appreciation, you're left with that damage to your self-esteem, that negative attitude to yourself, that sense of helplessness.
Break out of the isolation. Talk to somebody. Start simply. Ring the Samaritans. Or open a conversation with your parents, tell them you feel lost, ask if you could go to see someone. Whatever it takes, make contact.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I Have No Friends And A History Of Depression
31st May 2009
Question
I am a teen with a history of depression. With help of therapy and anti-depressants I have tried to put my life back together, but to no avail. I was bullied when I was very young, and started self-harming at the age of 12. As a result, I am very shy and I find it very difficult to make friends. In fact I have no friends. I recently wrote a book and sent it off to a publisher, trying to get it published, to no avail. This made my mood slip even lower and made me attempt suicide recently.
I have a very loving mother, who is a great support to me, but other than that I have no-one else in the world. I'm also going into a difficult year at school next autumn and I am afraid I might crack. I don't know what to do.
Answer
The thought processes of victims are becoming more and more apparent on this page aren't they? In fact the whole shaping of a victim's mindset is getting clearer isn't it?
You were bullied when you were small. You didn't know how to defend yourself. So you started self-harming. Unable to express anger towards the world which was treating you badly, you took your anger out on yourself. Others might have smashed up their bedroom, or a neighbour's car, or mother's best dishes. You blamed yourself, and started cutting, or whatever form your self-harm takes. Mixed in with your anger was a form of self-hate. Instead of despising the bullies, you sort of joined forces with them and despised yourself. Psychologists would say you internalised your anger. It's a behaviour pattern which you need to break. Victims, however, don't feel they have any power. How can you break a behaviour pattern, if you've no power? Isn't that it?
You're bright. Can't you see the catch? You're living in a time warp. When you were small and defenceless, some mindless idiots picked on you, exposed your very real helplessness, played on it, and you developed your victim mindset. The point is, you're not that little child anymore. Even if you don't feel physically powerful, you are certainly capable of being intellectually powerful now. You wrote a book. You can write your own life-script, or rewrite it.
What's getting in your way is the other plague of victim status, namely unrealistic expectations. You wrote a book, which was wonderful. It was rejected for publication, which is normal. You took it hard, which was unrealistic. This is where being a teenager and being a victim forms such an unhappy alliance. You're too young to have the wisdom, indeed the knowledge, that publishing is a tough business. And victims of every age take failure badly, make too big a thing of it, are unrealistic about how life really works, and hence feel both anguished and very very angry when something doesn't work out - anger which then feeds their low self-esteem.
Sorry. I'm writing a psychological treatise here aren't I? I'm just trying to appeal to your obvious intelligence, since the written word can't wrap you in the kind of warmth that a personal session with a therapist might.
I stumbled across an excellent movie on TV recently. 'Stranger Than Fiction' it was called, the story of a man who realised he was a character in a well-know author's book, his life being written as he lived it. I know that sounds crappy, but actually it was a brilliant movie. It gave me the idea about you writing your own script. Because we do, actually, write our own scripts. Our unconscious minds are constantly at the creative task of trying to guide us safely through life's vicissitudes. That sometimes means living in the shadows, as you do with your depression.
Our task in life is to regularly do a reality check. Do I still need to hide? Or maybe, more precisely, is there another, better, way to hide, now that I'm older, and less helpless? What appropriate outlet is there for the real me? Like I said, you write the script. And here are some thoughts, merely from my perspective, yours to build on, or totally disregard: You are bright, creative and have the staying power to write a whole book. You have the capacity to be on your own. See all that as a huge strength. You are young and physically healthy. Use that by taking up some sport, to create a better body/mind balance and help dissipate legitimate anger. Better still, do some martial art, which will also leave you feeling powerful without having to prove it. Check out some physical therapy such as acupuncture to help combat the depression. Hang onto your therapist as a sounding board for faulty thinking - an inevitable part of being a teen. Recognise the responsibility you have to your mother. You can't commit suicide and leave her with the consequences. That's what loving people is all about, hanging in there.
Question
I am a teen with a history of depression. With help of therapy and anti-depressants I have tried to put my life back together, but to no avail. I was bullied when I was very young, and started self-harming at the age of 12. As a result, I am very shy and I find it very difficult to make friends. In fact I have no friends. I recently wrote a book and sent it off to a publisher, trying to get it published, to no avail. This made my mood slip even lower and made me attempt suicide recently.
I have a very loving mother, who is a great support to me, but other than that I have no-one else in the world. I'm also going into a difficult year at school next autumn and I am afraid I might crack. I don't know what to do.
Answer
The thought processes of victims are becoming more and more apparent on this page aren't they? In fact the whole shaping of a victim's mindset is getting clearer isn't it?
You were bullied when you were small. You didn't know how to defend yourself. So you started self-harming. Unable to express anger towards the world which was treating you badly, you took your anger out on yourself. Others might have smashed up their bedroom, or a neighbour's car, or mother's best dishes. You blamed yourself, and started cutting, or whatever form your self-harm takes. Mixed in with your anger was a form of self-hate. Instead of despising the bullies, you sort of joined forces with them and despised yourself. Psychologists would say you internalised your anger. It's a behaviour pattern which you need to break. Victims, however, don't feel they have any power. How can you break a behaviour pattern, if you've no power? Isn't that it?
You're bright. Can't you see the catch? You're living in a time warp. When you were small and defenceless, some mindless idiots picked on you, exposed your very real helplessness, played on it, and you developed your victim mindset. The point is, you're not that little child anymore. Even if you don't feel physically powerful, you are certainly capable of being intellectually powerful now. You wrote a book. You can write your own life-script, or rewrite it.
What's getting in your way is the other plague of victim status, namely unrealistic expectations. You wrote a book, which was wonderful. It was rejected for publication, which is normal. You took it hard, which was unrealistic. This is where being a teenager and being a victim forms such an unhappy alliance. You're too young to have the wisdom, indeed the knowledge, that publishing is a tough business. And victims of every age take failure badly, make too big a thing of it, are unrealistic about how life really works, and hence feel both anguished and very very angry when something doesn't work out - anger which then feeds their low self-esteem.
Sorry. I'm writing a psychological treatise here aren't I? I'm just trying to appeal to your obvious intelligence, since the written word can't wrap you in the kind of warmth that a personal session with a therapist might.
I stumbled across an excellent movie on TV recently. 'Stranger Than Fiction' it was called, the story of a man who realised he was a character in a well-know author's book, his life being written as he lived it. I know that sounds crappy, but actually it was a brilliant movie. It gave me the idea about you writing your own script. Because we do, actually, write our own scripts. Our unconscious minds are constantly at the creative task of trying to guide us safely through life's vicissitudes. That sometimes means living in the shadows, as you do with your depression.
Our task in life is to regularly do a reality check. Do I still need to hide? Or maybe, more precisely, is there another, better, way to hide, now that I'm older, and less helpless? What appropriate outlet is there for the real me? Like I said, you write the script. And here are some thoughts, merely from my perspective, yours to build on, or totally disregard: You are bright, creative and have the staying power to write a whole book. You have the capacity to be on your own. See all that as a huge strength. You are young and physically healthy. Use that by taking up some sport, to create a better body/mind balance and help dissipate legitimate anger. Better still, do some martial art, which will also leave you feeling powerful without having to prove it. Check out some physical therapy such as acupuncture to help combat the depression. Hang onto your therapist as a sounding board for faulty thinking - an inevitable part of being a teen. Recognise the responsibility you have to your mother. You can't commit suicide and leave her with the consequences. That's what loving people is all about, hanging in there.
I'm 17 And Feel Numb And Scared
Question
I'm 17 and come from a very good family. Nothing traumatic has ever occurred in my life. Yet I can feel very down and extremely alone. I hate feeling like this because I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it.
I have felt this way for some time. If I'm honest, I have very low self-esteem. I hate my body, even though I am neither overweight nor ugly. I feel everyone around me is living their life, and I just play a minor role in their lives, with no real life of my own.
I have a good social life and lots of people around me, yet I don't have somebody I can trust as I have been hurt by friends in the past. I've also never had a relationship with anybody, of any sort, and this has left me questioning my sexuality. As a result, I spend the majority of my time day-dreaming and in turn have been doing really terrible in my final year of school.
I know I sound pathetic, though I am scared because I don't know why I feel like this. I have tried very hard to snap out of this trance, but I can't. I literally feel numb inside.
Answer
Part of the challenge of being 17 is that nothing seems fixed, or certain. Things happen, but you don't recognise them, can't figure them out with any real accuracy. It's a voyage of discovery, and often very scary. That's why it's so important to talk. And that's why the first thing I have to say to you is find someone to confide in. Yes, I know your trust was betrayed by friends in the past and yes, I understand that friends seem the logical ones to turn to, but that's not always the case. Sometimes in life – and not just at 17 – we need a guiding hand, rather than shared experiences.
I accept that nothing traumatic has ever happened to you. But sometimes a steady drip can do more damage, not least because it's so hard to detect. If you have low self-esteem and hate your body, then you have suffered real emotional damage, however it came about. And being locked away in silence only makes it worse.
Numbness, like day-dreaming, is about self-protection. You feel helpless to change things, so you take flight from the world. It's certainly not a nice state of affairs. But don't be afraid. Your mind and heart are creatively finding a way to protect you. It's not a long-term solution, of course, but just your self-protective fighting spirit doing its best, and nothing to fear.
You do not sound pathetic. You sound human, and like all of us, simply in need of a helping hand. I promise you, your distress at the moment is primarily caused by isolation. Break that isolation, and things will seem brighter. Nor should you beat yourself up for how you feel. If you had pain in a sprained wrist you wouldn't give out to yourself would you? Why, then, would you do yourself down because you have a sprained spirit? You're emotionally hurt. That's OK.
Feeling anxious about your sexual orientation is understandable. You're starved of close human contact. Of course you wonder. Your sexual orientation, however, is not the issue here. It's your loneliness. In the absence of another point of view, without people who clearly express their affection and appreciation, you're left with that damage to your self-esteem, that negative attitude to yourself, that sense of helplessness.
Break out of the isolation. Talk to somebody. Start simply. Ring the Samaritans. Or open a conversation with your parents, tell them you feel lost, ask if you could go to see someone. Whatever it takes, make contact.
I'm 17 and come from a very good family. Nothing traumatic has ever occurred in my life. Yet I can feel very down and extremely alone. I hate feeling like this because I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it.
I have felt this way for some time. If I'm honest, I have very low self-esteem. I hate my body, even though I am neither overweight nor ugly. I feel everyone around me is living their life, and I just play a minor role in their lives, with no real life of my own.
I have a good social life and lots of people around me, yet I don't have somebody I can trust as I have been hurt by friends in the past. I've also never had a relationship with anybody, of any sort, and this has left me questioning my sexuality. As a result, I spend the majority of my time day-dreaming and in turn have been doing really terrible in my final year of school.
I know I sound pathetic, though I am scared because I don't know why I feel like this. I have tried very hard to snap out of this trance, but I can't. I literally feel numb inside.
Answer
Part of the challenge of being 17 is that nothing seems fixed, or certain. Things happen, but you don't recognise them, can't figure them out with any real accuracy. It's a voyage of discovery, and often very scary. That's why it's so important to talk. And that's why the first thing I have to say to you is find someone to confide in. Yes, I know your trust was betrayed by friends in the past and yes, I understand that friends seem the logical ones to turn to, but that's not always the case. Sometimes in life – and not just at 17 – we need a guiding hand, rather than shared experiences.
I accept that nothing traumatic has ever happened to you. But sometimes a steady drip can do more damage, not least because it's so hard to detect. If you have low self-esteem and hate your body, then you have suffered real emotional damage, however it came about. And being locked away in silence only makes it worse.
Numbness, like day-dreaming, is about self-protection. You feel helpless to change things, so you take flight from the world. It's certainly not a nice state of affairs. But don't be afraid. Your mind and heart are creatively finding a way to protect you. It's not a long-term solution, of course, but just your self-protective fighting spirit doing its best, and nothing to fear.
You do not sound pathetic. You sound human, and like all of us, simply in need of a helping hand. I promise you, your distress at the moment is primarily caused by isolation. Break that isolation, and things will seem brighter. Nor should you beat yourself up for how you feel. If you had pain in a sprained wrist you wouldn't give out to yourself would you? Why, then, would you do yourself down because you have a sprained spirit? You're emotionally hurt. That's OK.
Feeling anxious about your sexual orientation is understandable. You're starved of close human contact. Of course you wonder. Your sexual orientation, however, is not the issue here. It's your loneliness. In the absence of another point of view, without people who clearly express their affection and appreciation, you're left with that damage to your self-esteem, that negative attitude to yourself, that sense of helplessness.
Break out of the isolation. Talk to somebody. Start simply. Ring the Samaritans. Or open a conversation with your parents, tell them you feel lost, ask if you could go to see someone. Whatever it takes, make contact.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Am I Too Ambitious?
Question
I'm an 18 year old girl who is studying for her Leaving Cert this year. My problem is the opposite of what frequently appears in your page. I'm concerned that I may be studying too much.
I know I have the capacity to get seven A1s in the Leaving Cert, so that is exactly what I am trying to do. I'm a bright student and I would be assured of my college course if I got 590 points. So I don't actually have to put in that extra effort to get seven A1's. It is simply success and the desire to do my best which is driving me. I know I would be disappointed if next August, when I see my results, there aren't at least 6 A1's there.
I want to know if it's OK to feel this way. It seems to me that most of the other students in my year aren't taking the Leaving Cert seriously at all. They are treating this year like any other normal school year - even adding more extra- curricular activities to their hectic social schedules. I don't go out at all during the week, or the weekend. I have also given up extra-curricular activities for this year. I never went out at the weekend anyway. I'm very close to my sisters, so I never felt a need for much social contact with my friends outside of school. I study at lest four hours a night, all day Saturday, and then take Sunday completely off, doing other things I enjoy.
I want to know if all of this is OK. I don't want to be drained physically and mentally by June. Can I keep up this pace? Next year, in college, I intend to be fully sociable and have the chance to really express myself. I'm looking forward to it. But I've got this year to get through first. My parents think I study too much, but they don't understand my work ethic. No- one understands that I want to do well simply because I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't achieve my full potential.
Please don't tell me I'm taking the Leaving Cert too seriously. It matters to me. Study is the one thing I'm really good at, where I outshine everybody else. I want lasting proof of this in the form of seven A1's.
Answer
This isn't just a question of whether or not you can keep up the pace. Your problem isn't simply about being physically and emotionally drained by the time your exams come around. There's a very thin line between burning ambition and being in emotional trouble. It's a very hard one to call. And I certainly can't do it at this distance.
Everyone who aspires to high goals is single-minded, intensely focussed, disciplined enough to pass through the pain barrier - be it physical, mental, social or emotional - and deeply motivated. They don't want to be good. They want to be the best. They pay a price - and sometimes it's a huge price. They believe it's worth it.
The big question is how they handle failure. You see, someone who is seriously ambitious doesn't envisage failure. It's not an option. They analyse the goal - say an Olympic gold medal - and go for it, finding new and innovative ways of achieving their ambition if and when they meet any obstacles. That's part of their power, part of the reason they succeed.
In the real world, however, that gold medal may prove elusive. Those 7A1's might not materialise. Anyone who loves you, will be concerned about the fall-out if that should happen. If you eat well, sleep well, and give your body a bit of exercise, then I don't think you study too much - although maybe you do - but that's not the real issue. What sets my heart trembling as you talk is the intensity of your want, the depth of your desire. Yet, as I've already said, it's that kind of intensity that sends people to victory. But our strength is always our Achilles heel. Your single-mindedness puts you in danger of falling apart if those 7A1's don't come through the post next August.
As I'm talking to you here I'm thinking that maybe it would be a good idea for you to contact a sports psychologist. I mean, how do serious athletes think only in terms of success, yet at the same time prepare themselves for emotional survival if they should fail? I honestly don't know. I do know that I'm concerned about a couple of things you've said.
Why are you setting yourself the goal of 7A1's, when you tell me yourself that you need less to get into the course of your choice in college? Yes, I know you're talking about fulfilling your potential, but that's just another way of saying you want this as your goal. Why aren't you taking the more comfortable route of aiming for the points you really need? To the onlooker, it seems you're unnecessarily setting yourself up for failure - or for excessively hard work. I mean, if the goal was the points you need, couldn't you get more exercise, or whatever is currently lacking in your schedule?
Why do you feel that studying is the only thing you're good at? What else have your tried and failed? The ambition to shine at your studies is fine. Competitiveness is good. But I'm wondering if there's a gap you're trying to fill? In my house I was the blue-stocking and my sister was the beauty. I loved studying, did well, still like using my brain. But I suffered a lot of pain about not being the beauty - and for that read attractive female. Put plainly, I was studying because I actually loved it. I was also studying to compensate for my perceived lack of attractiveness. Studying was enjoyable, but also a substitute for living out other parts of my life. And, of course, I was trying to please, hoping to be loved by excelling in the role I had been handed - in my case by my father. Is something like that happening somewhere in your head and heart?
What more can I tell you, without sounding like I want to stop you in your tracks, which I don't? I just hope for you that you know you are loved, no matter what number of A1's you get. I just hope that you'll turn to your parents for succour and comfort if anything goes wrong. They are already watching over you carefully. Don't be angry about that. Be glad. In saying you study too much they are trying to convey what I'm saying here. You are infinitely more than the sum of your Leaving Cert achievements. Your worth cannot be measured by 7A1's. You are a fine, intelligent and very lovable human being. All your parents, family and friends want is the happiness of having you in their lives. Don't lose sight of that.
I'm an 18 year old girl who is studying for her Leaving Cert this year. My problem is the opposite of what frequently appears in your page. I'm concerned that I may be studying too much.
I know I have the capacity to get seven A1s in the Leaving Cert, so that is exactly what I am trying to do. I'm a bright student and I would be assured of my college course if I got 590 points. So I don't actually have to put in that extra effort to get seven A1's. It is simply success and the desire to do my best which is driving me. I know I would be disappointed if next August, when I see my results, there aren't at least 6 A1's there.
I want to know if it's OK to feel this way. It seems to me that most of the other students in my year aren't taking the Leaving Cert seriously at all. They are treating this year like any other normal school year - even adding more extra- curricular activities to their hectic social schedules. I don't go out at all during the week, or the weekend. I have also given up extra-curricular activities for this year. I never went out at the weekend anyway. I'm very close to my sisters, so I never felt a need for much social contact with my friends outside of school. I study at lest four hours a night, all day Saturday, and then take Sunday completely off, doing other things I enjoy.
I want to know if all of this is OK. I don't want to be drained physically and mentally by June. Can I keep up this pace? Next year, in college, I intend to be fully sociable and have the chance to really express myself. I'm looking forward to it. But I've got this year to get through first. My parents think I study too much, but they don't understand my work ethic. No- one understands that I want to do well simply because I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't achieve my full potential.
Please don't tell me I'm taking the Leaving Cert too seriously. It matters to me. Study is the one thing I'm really good at, where I outshine everybody else. I want lasting proof of this in the form of seven A1's.
Answer
This isn't just a question of whether or not you can keep up the pace. Your problem isn't simply about being physically and emotionally drained by the time your exams come around. There's a very thin line between burning ambition and being in emotional trouble. It's a very hard one to call. And I certainly can't do it at this distance.
Everyone who aspires to high goals is single-minded, intensely focussed, disciplined enough to pass through the pain barrier - be it physical, mental, social or emotional - and deeply motivated. They don't want to be good. They want to be the best. They pay a price - and sometimes it's a huge price. They believe it's worth it.
The big question is how they handle failure. You see, someone who is seriously ambitious doesn't envisage failure. It's not an option. They analyse the goal - say an Olympic gold medal - and go for it, finding new and innovative ways of achieving their ambition if and when they meet any obstacles. That's part of their power, part of the reason they succeed.
In the real world, however, that gold medal may prove elusive. Those 7A1's might not materialise. Anyone who loves you, will be concerned about the fall-out if that should happen. If you eat well, sleep well, and give your body a bit of exercise, then I don't think you study too much - although maybe you do - but that's not the real issue. What sets my heart trembling as you talk is the intensity of your want, the depth of your desire. Yet, as I've already said, it's that kind of intensity that sends people to victory. But our strength is always our Achilles heel. Your single-mindedness puts you in danger of falling apart if those 7A1's don't come through the post next August.
As I'm talking to you here I'm thinking that maybe it would be a good idea for you to contact a sports psychologist. I mean, how do serious athletes think only in terms of success, yet at the same time prepare themselves for emotional survival if they should fail? I honestly don't know. I do know that I'm concerned about a couple of things you've said.
Why are you setting yourself the goal of 7A1's, when you tell me yourself that you need less to get into the course of your choice in college? Yes, I know you're talking about fulfilling your potential, but that's just another way of saying you want this as your goal. Why aren't you taking the more comfortable route of aiming for the points you really need? To the onlooker, it seems you're unnecessarily setting yourself up for failure - or for excessively hard work. I mean, if the goal was the points you need, couldn't you get more exercise, or whatever is currently lacking in your schedule?
Why do you feel that studying is the only thing you're good at? What else have your tried and failed? The ambition to shine at your studies is fine. Competitiveness is good. But I'm wondering if there's a gap you're trying to fill? In my house I was the blue-stocking and my sister was the beauty. I loved studying, did well, still like using my brain. But I suffered a lot of pain about not being the beauty - and for that read attractive female. Put plainly, I was studying because I actually loved it. I was also studying to compensate for my perceived lack of attractiveness. Studying was enjoyable, but also a substitute for living out other parts of my life. And, of course, I was trying to please, hoping to be loved by excelling in the role I had been handed - in my case by my father. Is something like that happening somewhere in your head and heart?
What more can I tell you, without sounding like I want to stop you in your tracks, which I don't? I just hope for you that you know you are loved, no matter what number of A1's you get. I just hope that you'll turn to your parents for succour and comfort if anything goes wrong. They are already watching over you carefully. Don't be angry about that. Be glad. In saying you study too much they are trying to convey what I'm saying here. You are infinitely more than the sum of your Leaving Cert achievements. Your worth cannot be measured by 7A1's. You are a fine, intelligent and very lovable human being. All your parents, family and friends want is the happiness of having you in their lives. Don't lose sight of that.
Do I Date Her?
Question
This might be a common tale. I met a girl in secondary school when she was dating someone I knew else. That was two years ago and we're pretty good friends. Since then she's been with another guy, this time a really good friend of mine. But they recently split up. I would like to tell her how I think of her as more than a friend. The tricky part is that I'm not sure how my friend would feel. So I've two problems. I'm afraid to tell my friend, because I don't want to lose him. And I'm wondering is it worth risking my friendship with this girl by telling her how I feel. I'm not even sure if it would work out anyway, since we've now started in separate colleges.
Answer
You won't lose your friend if you're up-front and honest. And if he was really upset at you asking his ex-girlfriend out, then maybe it would make sense to back off - at least for a while. As for the girl, well there's always the risk that a friendship may become awkward when love is declared. But real friends get through this too.
So much for answering your direct questions. My real impression, however, is that you're not exactly passionate about this girl. You're not dying with the desire to be romantically close. You're not even sure if the relationship would survive separate colleges. You're not in real despair. And maybe that's your answer. Why rock any boats, when your interest in a romantic involvement seems to be so tentative? Or is this just an attempt at being Mr Cool?
This might be a common tale. I met a girl in secondary school when she was dating someone I knew else. That was two years ago and we're pretty good friends. Since then she's been with another guy, this time a really good friend of mine. But they recently split up. I would like to tell her how I think of her as more than a friend. The tricky part is that I'm not sure how my friend would feel. So I've two problems. I'm afraid to tell my friend, because I don't want to lose him. And I'm wondering is it worth risking my friendship with this girl by telling her how I feel. I'm not even sure if it would work out anyway, since we've now started in separate colleges.
Answer
You won't lose your friend if you're up-front and honest. And if he was really upset at you asking his ex-girlfriend out, then maybe it would make sense to back off - at least for a while. As for the girl, well there's always the risk that a friendship may become awkward when love is declared. But real friends get through this too.
So much for answering your direct questions. My real impression, however, is that you're not exactly passionate about this girl. You're not dying with the desire to be romantically close. You're not even sure if the relationship would survive separate colleges. You're not in real despair. And maybe that's your answer. Why rock any boats, when your interest in a romantic involvement seems to be so tentative? Or is this just an attempt at being Mr Cool?
I Fancy Him
Question
I'm a 19 year old country girl with a complicated background, although I don't think that has any bearing on my problem. I was reared by my grandparents and still live with them. I have no contact with my father, and only a little with my mother, for reasons I don't need to spell out right here. I've started college to train as a teacher.
In May this year I met the most incredible guy. There was an instant connection, at least on my side. He made me feel completely relaxed. We chatted a lot but never exchanged numbers. I did take note of his name, because he had to sign a form for me. I saw him again in July in his workplace, but he didn't see me. I still felt something very strong for him so I sent two simple cards to him with my telephone number, saying 'please feel free to get in touch'. I heard nothing.
Two weeks ago I met him again, he seemed delighted to see me, we chatted for ages, but he never mentioned the cards I'd sent. And again we didn't exchange telephone numbers. I did find out, however, that I'd got his name slightly wrong, so it's possible he never got my cards.
As it turns out, I'm now going to be seeing him regularly as he's starting at my college as a mature student. I care about him a lot and do see myself getting along really well with him. But I'm confused. Should I do something about getting in touch with him, like dropping in a note by hand to his workplace? Or is it time to move on? I've only ever kissed one guy so I'm completely out of my depth.
Answer
You have all the time in the world. You don't need to contact him. Nor do you need to move on. You fancy him, you're going to see him regularly, you'll have endless opportunities to move the relationship along. You see, for now it doesn't matter whether he fancies you or not. Attraction doesn't have to be mutual from the start. Sometimes we love someone for a long time before they find us. And, of course, sometimes they don't fancy us back and we have to forget it.
Settle for being friendly and fun to be with. Openly enjoy being around him. Smile when you meet. But don't be too pushy. Take joy in all of your social surroundings, be it a class, a social encounter with fellow students, a particular cultural or sporting pastime, whatever. Reach out to him from your happy world, rather than making him the centre of your universe.
All that said, I think you'd still like the current situation clarified. So here's my best shot. In romantic novels, hero and heroine are separated by fate - a lost letter, a miscommunication engineered by a jealous rival, messages deliberately not passed on by a disapproving family. In the real world, this seldom happens. So the chances are he got your cards and decided not to contact you. But even if he didn't get your cards, he did have the opportunity to ask for your telephone number, on several occasions, and failed to do so.
My point is, don't be disheartened. As you get to know him you'll be able to see whether he's shy, or just not romantically interested in you. You'll also have time to try and change his mind, not by chasing him, but by showing him how attractive you are, how you shine in your world, how the atmosphere around you hums with happiness.
I'm a 19 year old country girl with a complicated background, although I don't think that has any bearing on my problem. I was reared by my grandparents and still live with them. I have no contact with my father, and only a little with my mother, for reasons I don't need to spell out right here. I've started college to train as a teacher.
In May this year I met the most incredible guy. There was an instant connection, at least on my side. He made me feel completely relaxed. We chatted a lot but never exchanged numbers. I did take note of his name, because he had to sign a form for me. I saw him again in July in his workplace, but he didn't see me. I still felt something very strong for him so I sent two simple cards to him with my telephone number, saying 'please feel free to get in touch'. I heard nothing.
Two weeks ago I met him again, he seemed delighted to see me, we chatted for ages, but he never mentioned the cards I'd sent. And again we didn't exchange telephone numbers. I did find out, however, that I'd got his name slightly wrong, so it's possible he never got my cards.
As it turns out, I'm now going to be seeing him regularly as he's starting at my college as a mature student. I care about him a lot and do see myself getting along really well with him. But I'm confused. Should I do something about getting in touch with him, like dropping in a note by hand to his workplace? Or is it time to move on? I've only ever kissed one guy so I'm completely out of my depth.
Answer
You have all the time in the world. You don't need to contact him. Nor do you need to move on. You fancy him, you're going to see him regularly, you'll have endless opportunities to move the relationship along. You see, for now it doesn't matter whether he fancies you or not. Attraction doesn't have to be mutual from the start. Sometimes we love someone for a long time before they find us. And, of course, sometimes they don't fancy us back and we have to forget it.
Settle for being friendly and fun to be with. Openly enjoy being around him. Smile when you meet. But don't be too pushy. Take joy in all of your social surroundings, be it a class, a social encounter with fellow students, a particular cultural or sporting pastime, whatever. Reach out to him from your happy world, rather than making him the centre of your universe.
All that said, I think you'd still like the current situation clarified. So here's my best shot. In romantic novels, hero and heroine are separated by fate - a lost letter, a miscommunication engineered by a jealous rival, messages deliberately not passed on by a disapproving family. In the real world, this seldom happens. So the chances are he got your cards and decided not to contact you. But even if he didn't get your cards, he did have the opportunity to ask for your telephone number, on several occasions, and failed to do so.
My point is, don't be disheartened. As you get to know him you'll be able to see whether he's shy, or just not romantically interested in you. You'll also have time to try and change his mind, not by chasing him, but by showing him how attractive you are, how you shine in your world, how the atmosphere around you hums with happiness.
I'm Obsessed With My Weight
Question
I'm an 18 year old girl and heading to college this month. This, however, is not my problem.
Since I was 13 or 14 years old I've had an issue with food, dieting, and ultimately my image. I was always a thin child, but when I hit puberty I gained a few pounds and I supposed it frightened me a little. Straight away I felt I had to do something about it. I embarked on a 'healthy living' regime, exercised regularly, and soon noticed that I had toned up. But of course this little regime became more intense. I became obsessed and thought of nothing else. Losing weight gave me a buzz, and a feeling of superiority in comparison to other girls. I was crazed. If I missed a day at the gym, or ate anything with a high calorie count, I would feel disgusting and useless and basically hated myself. Exercise was a drug and I worked out religiously to an unhealthy extent and, as you can imagine, my weight plummeted.
Of course my parents noticed and I was brought to the G.P. I lied about my eating, pretending to eat more than I did. I also felt pure hatred towards the G.P. when she suggested I should cut back on exercise. Thus fuelled me even more and for an entire year, I lived on an apple a day and a small dinner in the evening, combined with a punishing exercise routine. It was as if I was spurred on by people like my parents having noticed, and I enjoyed having this secret little world where I refused to follow advice.
Soon enough, though, my father caught me exercising late one night and my parents booked a consultation with a specialist. He was genuinely a lovely person and very understanding. But I still didn't open up and tell him the whole truth about my eating habits. However, I did improve and now eat three balanced meals a day. For a while I tended to binge eat, but I feel more in control now. But I did struggle with this throughout 5th and6th year at school which wasn't easy. My parents just presumed that I had been magically cured after the consultation. They also presume that I'm fine now, but I'm not.
I eat well now and have a more normal attitude towards exercise, but a part of me still feels damaged. And lately I feel so alone and isolated. This took up all my teen years and I feel it took its toll on me mentally. I have problems opening up to people, or letting my guard down, and I tend to obsess over things. Studying was another obsession. Maybe I have some kind of inadequacy issue, and felt that I have to be better than others. Right now I just feel apathetic. Even though I achieved the points I needed for my course, I was 20 points short of my ideal target which made me feel useless and a failure. I'm starting the course of my choice, but I feel nothing. When I had lost all the weight and reached my target, I had a similar feeling. Emptiness. Nothing.
I feel the last two years drained me as I was trapped in my own little obsessive world and now I just don't care. The fact that I can't, or won't, talk to anyone means I can't rectify how I'm feeling. I just want to move on with my life and leave this in the past, but I feel it will never go away. Please help me.
Answer
You do recognise the dilemma, don't you? You want to be in total control, but you also want help. Therapy or counselling or just plain advice only makes sense, however, if someone prepared to give up a little control. Of course you must pace it. We can only take on board what we're emotionally capable of absorbing. After that, all of us shut our ears. It's how we stay balanced and basically sane. Total control, however, means having those ears tightly shut from day one. So you do see that you have to open yours a little don't you?
Look at what you're telling me. You say you either can't or won't talk to anyone about how you are. Can we hope that that's just fearful defiance? Sometimes we're categorical simply because we're scared. You liked that consultant you saw some years ago. Could you envisage confiding in him now? Or at least talking to him, or someone similar? There are many therapists who don't tell you what to do. They simply allow you the freedom to talk, accompany you on your journey of self-discovery, maybe offering an odd insight here or there. Would you like that?
Can I tell you something straight? I think you're very very angry. That is not any kind of criticism. I am sure your anger is entirely justified, although of course I don't know what happened to cause it. And I know you're very frightened. Obsessive behaviour always has its origins in a high level of anxiety. Your desire to control, in other words, is fuelled by two powerful emotions, anger and anxiety. So is the depression you now feel - or the emptiness as you put it.
Will you allow me to give you some advice? Are those ears open, even just a little? In the hope that they are, here goes: The way out of your despair is to take a leap of faith, make an act of trust, step into uncharted territory, and find some professional to talk to. Because right now you're biggest problem is isolation - and it's not necessary.
I'm an 18 year old girl and heading to college this month. This, however, is not my problem.
Since I was 13 or 14 years old I've had an issue with food, dieting, and ultimately my image. I was always a thin child, but when I hit puberty I gained a few pounds and I supposed it frightened me a little. Straight away I felt I had to do something about it. I embarked on a 'healthy living' regime, exercised regularly, and soon noticed that I had toned up. But of course this little regime became more intense. I became obsessed and thought of nothing else. Losing weight gave me a buzz, and a feeling of superiority in comparison to other girls. I was crazed. If I missed a day at the gym, or ate anything with a high calorie count, I would feel disgusting and useless and basically hated myself. Exercise was a drug and I worked out religiously to an unhealthy extent and, as you can imagine, my weight plummeted.
Of course my parents noticed and I was brought to the G.P. I lied about my eating, pretending to eat more than I did. I also felt pure hatred towards the G.P. when she suggested I should cut back on exercise. Thus fuelled me even more and for an entire year, I lived on an apple a day and a small dinner in the evening, combined with a punishing exercise routine. It was as if I was spurred on by people like my parents having noticed, and I enjoyed having this secret little world where I refused to follow advice.
Soon enough, though, my father caught me exercising late one night and my parents booked a consultation with a specialist. He was genuinely a lovely person and very understanding. But I still didn't open up and tell him the whole truth about my eating habits. However, I did improve and now eat three balanced meals a day. For a while I tended to binge eat, but I feel more in control now. But I did struggle with this throughout 5th and6th year at school which wasn't easy. My parents just presumed that I had been magically cured after the consultation. They also presume that I'm fine now, but I'm not.
I eat well now and have a more normal attitude towards exercise, but a part of me still feels damaged. And lately I feel so alone and isolated. This took up all my teen years and I feel it took its toll on me mentally. I have problems opening up to people, or letting my guard down, and I tend to obsess over things. Studying was another obsession. Maybe I have some kind of inadequacy issue, and felt that I have to be better than others. Right now I just feel apathetic. Even though I achieved the points I needed for my course, I was 20 points short of my ideal target which made me feel useless and a failure. I'm starting the course of my choice, but I feel nothing. When I had lost all the weight and reached my target, I had a similar feeling. Emptiness. Nothing.
I feel the last two years drained me as I was trapped in my own little obsessive world and now I just don't care. The fact that I can't, or won't, talk to anyone means I can't rectify how I'm feeling. I just want to move on with my life and leave this in the past, but I feel it will never go away. Please help me.
Answer
You do recognise the dilemma, don't you? You want to be in total control, but you also want help. Therapy or counselling or just plain advice only makes sense, however, if someone prepared to give up a little control. Of course you must pace it. We can only take on board what we're emotionally capable of absorbing. After that, all of us shut our ears. It's how we stay balanced and basically sane. Total control, however, means having those ears tightly shut from day one. So you do see that you have to open yours a little don't you?
Look at what you're telling me. You say you either can't or won't talk to anyone about how you are. Can we hope that that's just fearful defiance? Sometimes we're categorical simply because we're scared. You liked that consultant you saw some years ago. Could you envisage confiding in him now? Or at least talking to him, or someone similar? There are many therapists who don't tell you what to do. They simply allow you the freedom to talk, accompany you on your journey of self-discovery, maybe offering an odd insight here or there. Would you like that?
Can I tell you something straight? I think you're very very angry. That is not any kind of criticism. I am sure your anger is entirely justified, although of course I don't know what happened to cause it. And I know you're very frightened. Obsessive behaviour always has its origins in a high level of anxiety. Your desire to control, in other words, is fuelled by two powerful emotions, anger and anxiety. So is the depression you now feel - or the emptiness as you put it.
Will you allow me to give you some advice? Are those ears open, even just a little? In the hope that they are, here goes: The way out of your despair is to take a leap of faith, make an act of trust, step into uncharted territory, and find some professional to talk to. Because right now you're biggest problem is isolation - and it's not necessary.
I Hate My Mother
Question
I've just finished college and have begun a post-grad course. As I don't have much money, I still live at home with my parents. The problem is, my mum and I don't get on. I can't seem to do anything right by her. She complains about me constantly and I don't know how to deal with it. I am becoming so angry with her.
To-day, out of pure frustration, I practically thrashed my room and sobbed for an hour. I am so afraid of her. I think of her as being a very cold woman. I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I think I hate her. And I'm afraid that someday I will snap and explode. I feel so guilty about hating her. I often go to bed at night dreaming of shouting at her and telling her to 'back off'. I have never felt such anger towards anyone.
I'm not very good at standing up to people anyway, but with mum it's impossible as I'm frozen with fear. My dad, who is very loving, stays out of our rows and comforts me afterwards when I'm upset. I would so love to move out and away from her, but just can't afford it while studying.
It hurts me so much that my mum doesn't like me. I have an older sister who is prettier than me. She also has her own home and a great job. Mum just loves her and I am insanely jealous of her. I find myself putting her down or snapping at her too. She comes home once or twice a week and mum is a different woman around her, always asking her about her job, her friends, her life.
I feel so trapped. I can't speak to mum as I can barely look her in the eye. I'm feeling so down and my studies are suffering. I don't have a boyfriend and I'm too ashamed to discuss my problem with my friends. I want to be happy but I don't know how.
Answer
Let's get one thing straight. It's not only legitimate, but actually right and proper to feel anger at anyone who causes us real grief. It's called justifiable anger. And it definitely applies to mothers too. You don't need to feel guilty. You do need to deal with the anger.
Family feelings are complicated. Yes, it is true that mothers can prefer one child over another. It is equally true that mothers can find one particular child harder to handle than the others. It's sometimes called a personality clash, but what really happens is that a particular child hits a vulnerable spot in the mother. Maybe she's beautiful, maybe she's bright, maybe she requires huge patience, maybe she's quiet, maybe she's a rebel, maybe she gets on really well with her dad. Whatever the dynamic, the mother can't handle it well. Good mothers manage to at least acknowledge what is going on so the child doesn't feel it's all her fault. Not so good mothers take it out on the child, in one way or the other.
I've no idea what's going on in your family. I do hear loud and clear what's going on in you. Rightly or wrongly you feel seriously rejected by your mother. That's not nice, but it's not the real problem. The real problem is your inability to give voice to your hurt and anger. And yes, I do understand. You're afraid that if you tell your mother how much you hate her, a bridge will be burned which can never be re-built. You're not really afraid of your mother. After all, she just criticises you, but continues to tolerate your presence. You're afraid of yourself. Bottled-up anger does that to us. We don't say how we feel as we go along, and it then gets too big to handle. Or so it seems.
I can't take you through the steps required to get a handle on your mother. You need emotional support as well as advice and explanations and feedback. You badly need someone to talk to. All I can do is tell you a few things. You should not feel guilty, like I said at the beginning. Anger is a good feeling, not a bad one. It indicates there are things we need to sort out. The current situation is not your fault. It is, however, your responsibility to comes to terms with it.
Your fear of your mother is not simple. You're not just scared that she'll hit you, or throw you out, which are big things, but simple. You feel passionate angry despair because you can't seem to please her. You yearn for her approval. You're terrified of the emotional distance your anger puts between you and her. Do you understand? You're angry because she isn't giving you what you need from her. And you're afraid that if you really say it like it is, you'll never get that love and approval. You're not afraid of your mother. You're afraid of having to face the fact that you may never get what you want from her. You can't face having your hopes dashed. You are still very emotionally dependent.
You can see the road you have to travel can't you? You have to loosen that emotional dependency. And no, I'm not being flippant. One of the hardest tasks of adulthood is to lay to rest the hope that we can please our parents. Not everyone is lucky enough to be loved like that. And those of us who don't, just have to live with being less loved. Some mothers just can't give us what we want. Life is not fair. You're young and vulnerable. You need someone to talk through that kind of sadness. Get yourself a counsellor, someone who is interested, on your side, and professionally detached. I can't help you from here. I do know you will make it. Just break the stranglehold of silence. Take care.
I've just finished college and have begun a post-grad course. As I don't have much money, I still live at home with my parents. The problem is, my mum and I don't get on. I can't seem to do anything right by her. She complains about me constantly and I don't know how to deal with it. I am becoming so angry with her.
To-day, out of pure frustration, I practically thrashed my room and sobbed for an hour. I am so afraid of her. I think of her as being a very cold woman. I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I think I hate her. And I'm afraid that someday I will snap and explode. I feel so guilty about hating her. I often go to bed at night dreaming of shouting at her and telling her to 'back off'. I have never felt such anger towards anyone.
I'm not very good at standing up to people anyway, but with mum it's impossible as I'm frozen with fear. My dad, who is very loving, stays out of our rows and comforts me afterwards when I'm upset. I would so love to move out and away from her, but just can't afford it while studying.
It hurts me so much that my mum doesn't like me. I have an older sister who is prettier than me. She also has her own home and a great job. Mum just loves her and I am insanely jealous of her. I find myself putting her down or snapping at her too. She comes home once or twice a week and mum is a different woman around her, always asking her about her job, her friends, her life.
I feel so trapped. I can't speak to mum as I can barely look her in the eye. I'm feeling so down and my studies are suffering. I don't have a boyfriend and I'm too ashamed to discuss my problem with my friends. I want to be happy but I don't know how.
Answer
Let's get one thing straight. It's not only legitimate, but actually right and proper to feel anger at anyone who causes us real grief. It's called justifiable anger. And it definitely applies to mothers too. You don't need to feel guilty. You do need to deal with the anger.
Family feelings are complicated. Yes, it is true that mothers can prefer one child over another. It is equally true that mothers can find one particular child harder to handle than the others. It's sometimes called a personality clash, but what really happens is that a particular child hits a vulnerable spot in the mother. Maybe she's beautiful, maybe she's bright, maybe she requires huge patience, maybe she's quiet, maybe she's a rebel, maybe she gets on really well with her dad. Whatever the dynamic, the mother can't handle it well. Good mothers manage to at least acknowledge what is going on so the child doesn't feel it's all her fault. Not so good mothers take it out on the child, in one way or the other.
I've no idea what's going on in your family. I do hear loud and clear what's going on in you. Rightly or wrongly you feel seriously rejected by your mother. That's not nice, but it's not the real problem. The real problem is your inability to give voice to your hurt and anger. And yes, I do understand. You're afraid that if you tell your mother how much you hate her, a bridge will be burned which can never be re-built. You're not really afraid of your mother. After all, she just criticises you, but continues to tolerate your presence. You're afraid of yourself. Bottled-up anger does that to us. We don't say how we feel as we go along, and it then gets too big to handle. Or so it seems.
I can't take you through the steps required to get a handle on your mother. You need emotional support as well as advice and explanations and feedback. You badly need someone to talk to. All I can do is tell you a few things. You should not feel guilty, like I said at the beginning. Anger is a good feeling, not a bad one. It indicates there are things we need to sort out. The current situation is not your fault. It is, however, your responsibility to comes to terms with it.
Your fear of your mother is not simple. You're not just scared that she'll hit you, or throw you out, which are big things, but simple. You feel passionate angry despair because you can't seem to please her. You yearn for her approval. You're terrified of the emotional distance your anger puts between you and her. Do you understand? You're angry because she isn't giving you what you need from her. And you're afraid that if you really say it like it is, you'll never get that love and approval. You're not afraid of your mother. You're afraid of having to face the fact that you may never get what you want from her. You can't face having your hopes dashed. You are still very emotionally dependent.
You can see the road you have to travel can't you? You have to loosen that emotional dependency. And no, I'm not being flippant. One of the hardest tasks of adulthood is to lay to rest the hope that we can please our parents. Not everyone is lucky enough to be loved like that. And those of us who don't, just have to live with being less loved. Some mothers just can't give us what we want. Life is not fair. You're young and vulnerable. You need someone to talk through that kind of sadness. Get yourself a counsellor, someone who is interested, on your side, and professionally detached. I can't help you from here. I do know you will make it. Just break the stranglehold of silence. Take care.
Don't Want College
Question
I know this sounds ungrateful and even bizarre. I got the points I needed for my course choice. The problem is I don't want to study that subject. My parents would be devastated if they knew as it's their dream. I feel I've left it all too late and am hopelessly trapped.
Answer
Tell your parents. If they're wise, they'll see that you following their dream is a responsibility too far. I hope you already see that it's a recipe for disaster. You'll blame them for every setback. Your whole life will be their fault. The temptation will be great for you to sabotage. Angry dependency will be your likely fate. Resentment will replace joy. Speak your mind. There are always solutions. Go looking.
I know this sounds ungrateful and even bizarre. I got the points I needed for my course choice. The problem is I don't want to study that subject. My parents would be devastated if they knew as it's their dream. I feel I've left it all too late and am hopelessly trapped.
Answer
Tell your parents. If they're wise, they'll see that you following their dream is a responsibility too far. I hope you already see that it's a recipe for disaster. You'll blame them for every setback. Your whole life will be their fault. The temptation will be great for you to sabotage. Angry dependency will be your likely fate. Resentment will replace joy. Speak your mind. There are always solutions. Go looking.
No Boyfriend
Question
I've never had a boyfriend and would love to. But I missed out on some important female life skills. It's usually a mother who teaches these, but mine died when I was a toddler. This left me and my sister. But she bullied me consistently. There's also my aunt, my father's sister. But she has three boys and doesn't seem to know how to talk to me. I've just finished first year in college, and I got on well with my fellow-students. But for the boys I was only a 'friend-girl'. I just don't know how to do the female thing. This is seriously getting me down. My father never remarried although he's had a number of girlfriends. But I can't talk to him.
Answer
Yes, a mother plays a huge role in teaching a daughter how to be female. It must have been a lonely road, growing up without her. I don't think, though, that her absence is the real problem. Lots of girls are slow to find their way from being the friend to being the romantic interest. It's comfortable and safe and familiar to be friends. It's scary to step out as a desirable woman. That said, there are loads of women around you doing just that. So why not study them? It is, after all, a learning process. Watch. It's subtle. Yet it's also simple. You don't worry about what you're like. You just approach boys as a men, rather than fellow students. It's like switching in to the sex channel. It's about acknowledging them - just in your head - as a sexually attractive human beings. And when you switch on in your head, the boys pick up the signal. It's not about being bold. It's non-verbal communication. And sure, things like grooming, clothes that suit you, developing your own style of femininity all help. But really they only help you to express what's already in your head. They are only outward signs of that internal sexual switching on. So look around you. And don't fret. Some of us are just late starters.
I've never had a boyfriend and would love to. But I missed out on some important female life skills. It's usually a mother who teaches these, but mine died when I was a toddler. This left me and my sister. But she bullied me consistently. There's also my aunt, my father's sister. But she has three boys and doesn't seem to know how to talk to me. I've just finished first year in college, and I got on well with my fellow-students. But for the boys I was only a 'friend-girl'. I just don't know how to do the female thing. This is seriously getting me down. My father never remarried although he's had a number of girlfriends. But I can't talk to him.
Answer
Yes, a mother plays a huge role in teaching a daughter how to be female. It must have been a lonely road, growing up without her. I don't think, though, that her absence is the real problem. Lots of girls are slow to find their way from being the friend to being the romantic interest. It's comfortable and safe and familiar to be friends. It's scary to step out as a desirable woman. That said, there are loads of women around you doing just that. So why not study them? It is, after all, a learning process. Watch. It's subtle. Yet it's also simple. You don't worry about what you're like. You just approach boys as a men, rather than fellow students. It's like switching in to the sex channel. It's about acknowledging them - just in your head - as a sexually attractive human beings. And when you switch on in your head, the boys pick up the signal. It's not about being bold. It's non-verbal communication. And sure, things like grooming, clothes that suit you, developing your own style of femininity all help. But really they only help you to express what's already in your head. They are only outward signs of that internal sexual switching on. So look around you. And don't fret. Some of us are just late starters.
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