Question
I've just finished college and have begun a post-grad course. As I don't have much money, I still live at home with my parents. The problem is, my mum and I don't get on. I can't seem to do anything right by her. She complains about me constantly and I don't know how to deal with it. I am becoming so angry with her.
To-day, out of pure frustration, I practically thrashed my room and sobbed for an hour. I am so afraid of her. I think of her as being a very cold woman. I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I think I hate her. And I'm afraid that someday I will snap and explode. I feel so guilty about hating her. I often go to bed at night dreaming of shouting at her and telling her to 'back off'. I have never felt such anger towards anyone.
I'm not very good at standing up to people anyway, but with mum it's impossible as I'm frozen with fear. My dad, who is very loving, stays out of our rows and comforts me afterwards when I'm upset. I would so love to move out and away from her, but just can't afford it while studying.
It hurts me so much that my mum doesn't like me. I have an older sister who is prettier than me. She also has her own home and a great job. Mum just loves her and I am insanely jealous of her. I find myself putting her down or snapping at her too. She comes home once or twice a week and mum is a different woman around her, always asking her about her job, her friends, her life.
I feel so trapped. I can't speak to mum as I can barely look her in the eye. I'm feeling so down and my studies are suffering. I don't have a boyfriend and I'm too ashamed to discuss my problem with my friends. I want to be happy but I don't know how.
Answer
Let's get one thing straight. It's not only legitimate, but actually right and proper to feel anger at anyone who causes us real grief. It's called justifiable anger. And it definitely applies to mothers too. You don't need to feel guilty. You do need to deal with the anger.
Family feelings are complicated. Yes, it is true that mothers can prefer one child over another. It is equally true that mothers can find one particular child harder to handle than the others. It's sometimes called a personality clash, but what really happens is that a particular child hits a vulnerable spot in the mother. Maybe she's beautiful, maybe she's bright, maybe she requires huge patience, maybe she's quiet, maybe she's a rebel, maybe she gets on really well with her dad. Whatever the dynamic, the mother can't handle it well. Good mothers manage to at least acknowledge what is going on so the child doesn't feel it's all her fault. Not so good mothers take it out on the child, in one way or the other.
I've no idea what's going on in your family. I do hear loud and clear what's going on in you. Rightly or wrongly you feel seriously rejected by your mother. That's not nice, but it's not the real problem. The real problem is your inability to give voice to your hurt and anger. And yes, I do understand. You're afraid that if you tell your mother how much you hate her, a bridge will be burned which can never be re-built. You're not really afraid of your mother. After all, she just criticises you, but continues to tolerate your presence. You're afraid of yourself. Bottled-up anger does that to us. We don't say how we feel as we go along, and it then gets too big to handle. Or so it seems.
I can't take you through the steps required to get a handle on your mother. You need emotional support as well as advice and explanations and feedback. You badly need someone to talk to. All I can do is tell you a few things. You should not feel guilty, like I said at the beginning. Anger is a good feeling, not a bad one. It indicates there are things we need to sort out. The current situation is not your fault. It is, however, your responsibility to comes to terms with it.
Your fear of your mother is not simple. You're not just scared that she'll hit you, or throw you out, which are big things, but simple. You feel passionate angry despair because you can't seem to please her. You yearn for her approval. You're terrified of the emotional distance your anger puts between you and her. Do you understand? You're angry because she isn't giving you what you need from her. And you're afraid that if you really say it like it is, you'll never get that love and approval. You're not afraid of your mother. You're afraid of having to face the fact that you may never get what you want from her. You can't face having your hopes dashed. You are still very emotionally dependent.
You can see the road you have to travel can't you? You have to loosen that emotional dependency. And no, I'm not being flippant. One of the hardest tasks of adulthood is to lay to rest the hope that we can please our parents. Not everyone is lucky enough to be loved like that. And those of us who don't, just have to live with being less loved. Some mothers just can't give us what we want. Life is not fair. You're young and vulnerable. You need someone to talk through that kind of sadness. Get yourself a counsellor, someone who is interested, on your side, and professionally detached. I can't help you from here. I do know you will make it. Just break the stranglehold of silence. Take care.
