Question
My eldest son married a very manipulative woman and they have two children. She is very pretty and can switch on the charm when she wants to. I have a large family and over the years there have been countless episodes with various family members which have made her very unpopular. But we've all tried to get on with her for my son's sake. I make a particular effort so I can see my two small grandchildren, whom I love very much.
The problem became acute recently when they came to visit us in our holiday home. Basically my daughter in law acted as though we weren't there - buying in her own food supplies, cooking at different times etc. It also ended up that my husband and I weren't allowed any time with the grandchildren. And even the smallest interaction with them met with a hostile response from my daughter-in-law. We were together for a week and it was a total nightmare. And when my husband complained to our son - who missed many of the incidents as he had brought a lot of work with him and was off on his computer - he defended his wife and turned nasty towards us.
We're back two weeks and my daughter in law rang yesterday asking if we would mind the children next month and I said I would. But I've no idea how to behave. Do I just grin and bear it? Or do I try to have it out with her, thus running the risk of not seeing my grandchildren again?
Answer
Forget the holiday. It's hard to get on with people at such close quarters, even when you're the best of friends. Accept that you don't like your daughter in law. Much of family cohesion is bought at the price of dealing with people we don't really like, while keeping our mouths firmly shut. There's no point in complaining to your son. You wouldn't respect him if he failed to take his wife's side. It doesn't mean he thinks she's right. It just means that he's loyal. Don't put him in the position of conflicting loyalties. You'll lose. Keep a sane distance. Take care of your grandchildren when you get the chance. It means you'll have them to yourself, and can enjoy them. Don't allow yourself to be treated with disrespect. Good manners smooth most paths. Just remember, however, that respect - or basic civility - is very different than actually liking someone, let alone loving them. Sorry if the message sounds grim. It's just the way the world works.
