Question
My ex-girlfriend and I met at work. I'm not big-headed, but I knew there was an attraction there right from the start. I found out she had a two-year-old daughter, which was not a problem. But she had also been in a bad relationship with her child's father, which had only recently ended. Basically she was beaten up. She told me a lot of the stories, in graphic detail. And she'd had earlier bad relationships too. The stories were backed up by what I heard on the grapevine. And this was all before we even went out together.
I have to admit that I did have reservations about going out with a person who had that kind of history. Alarm bells went off in my head about staying away from this girl. It was not the perfect start to our relationship. In fact I backed out of several dates. Sounds selfish of me, I know. Eventually we did get together and I was immediately happy that I'd finally made the decision to put all her old stuff aside and give this girl a chance. I thought she deserved it. I did fancy her and I genuinely liked her. It was just her past I was afraid of.
We went out for four months. I never saw her at the weekend which I found difficult to handle. She knew this and we had an argument about it every week. Finally she broke it off with me, saying I was putting too much pressure on her. But she had already totally changed as a person. She was bitchy and vindictive and everything I said or did was wrong. She didn't make a clean break. She still wanted to be friends, still said that maybe it was just temporary, you know the score. And I couldn't understand why she was being so cruel to me.
We were never great when it came to protection, and last week she told me she was pregnant. She also said it wasn't mine. She'd already told me she'd been with someone else since we broke up. I don't believe her and I think the baby is mine. Why would she tell me about the pregnancy if it wasn't mine? When I said I wanted a paternity test, she was angry, saying I only ever thought of myself. But her story doesn't add up. It also appears that I can't have a paternity test until the baby is born. And she tells me she really wishes the baby were mine.
What am I supposed to do? I'm 33, my ex-girlfriend is 30, and I live at home with my parents, and have very few friends. My job prospects aren't great and I rarely go out as I've always found it hard to communicate. Should I believe my ex-girlfriend when she says the baby isn't mine and just tell myself that I've had a lucky escape and am clear of her? Because life with her was complicated. Shortly before we split up, her ex-boyfriend went round to her place again one weekend and beat her up - and there was nothing I could do.
Answer
You're a lonely man who found an attractive woman. Isn't that the emotional bottom-line? Yes, I know you had reservations about her, but you were also delighted, and wanted to be with her, despite all the difficulties. You were happy to have her in your life.
I have no idea what your woman friend was doing or thinking or feeling. But she had found a nice bloke in you hadn't she? You listened to her, loved her, and wanted to be with her. You were very different from that knock-her-about boyfriend of hers. You were her friend. Clearly, however, it wasn't what she wanted. Well, she didn't want the intimate sexual romance bit anyway. She did want you to continue as a friend, though, a decent shoulder to cry on.
Be careful about fantasies. You ask me why this woman told you about the pregnancy if the baby isn't yours. The answer to that is easy. She sees you as that shoulder to cry on. Let me ask you a question in return. If it was your baby, why wouldn't she tell you? Why would she hide the fact? You're a good bloke. You'd do the right thing by her.
Be careful, too, about hope. It's possible that you want this baby to be yours because you hope it will tie this woman to you. Maybe it would. But it wouldn't necessarily bring back the romance. It could, instead, mean financial responsibilities, a lot of grief, and no joy. On the other hand, of course, if you conceived a child then you're responsible for its welfare aren't you? Tread carefully.
