Question
We have two small children, are in the process of selling our house and trading up, and are both working very hard to keep the show on the road.
A few months ago my husband 'met' a woman through an internet chat room and arranged to meet her in order to spend the night in a hotel. This didn't happen as I found out about it and confronted him. He was upset and sorry and swore that it was a moment of weakness. He said he realised the huge mistake he was about to make and promised he would never engage in this behaviour again. To the best of my knowledge he has kept his word.
My problem is that he has destroyed the trust I thought existed between us. He refuses to discuss the matter, saying that it is in the past and that I'm dwelling too much on it. What upsets me is that he failed to follow through his plan not because he loved me, but because I found out. And this is the reason I can't consign the whole episode to the past.
How do I deal with this? It is eating away at me. I'm just keeping up appearances for the sake of our children and families.
Answer
You will never know what might have happened. Lots of plans are made and then changed. But yes, it's true. What you're left with is the fact that it was you who stopped your husband. It's the only reality you have. He intended to be unfaithful. He planned to be. In effect he was unfaithful, even if he didn't actually follow through on the actual act.
That is the pain you're suffering. And yes, it was a breach of trust. Your husband destroyed the innocence of your belief in the solidity of your relationship. That doesn't just hurt, it creates vulnerability. You can no longer feel unthinkingly sure. Whether he likes it or not, you now have to find a new, more cautious perspective on your marriage. You're trading up on your house, you have two small children, and you're working hard for this dream. It is absolutely inevitable that you now ask yourself what's it all about, or wonder who, exactly, this man is with whom you're doing all this working and dreaming.
No, I'm not saying the situation is hopeless - far from it. Your husband is obviously sorry for his actions. He has told you he was about to make a terrible mistake. He clearly has no intention of abandoning you. And yes, the reality is that we can be tempted. Unfortunately such temptation often comes when we're strung out - as I'm sure you both have been for some time. That seems particularly unfair, since it is at such times that we most need our partner. And what does he do? Lets us down, big-time.
The mistake your husband is making now is that he's trying to sweep all this under the carpet. He doesn't want to hear about the damage he's done - to you, to your relationship, to himself. His honour has been dented, as has his trustworthiness. He is now a lesser man. Put another way, he has to serve his time to gain your respect and trust and unquestioning love again. And no, this isn't about punishment. We all have to suffer the consequences of our own actions. It is unreal of him to expect that you can remain untouched by what happened.
I am not suggesting you actively punish him. Nor am I suggesting that your distress should last forever. At some point you have to forgive and forget. It's just that, for now, you need to make it clear to your husband that you're in emotional trouble. He has to acknowledge that, not dismiss it. He has to earn your trust by truly showing that he knows how grievously wrong his behaviour was. He has to make amends by comforting you with his kindness, showing his sorrow at having hurt you, finding ways to reassure you. Talk to him about that.
