Question
I am 34. I am married with one child. For the past six months I have been having an affair. We spent as much time as we could together. Basically we lived as a couple, apart from not sharing the same bed every night. We talked about being together and planned dates to aim for.
Three months into the affair she kicked her husband out, but has always maintained that her marriage was on the rocks before we met. And the pressure on our relationship was building up as we tried to continue doing everything under the radar. It was becoming a roller-coaster. However we maintained we could get through everything, and both felt we had found our true love in life.
About a month ago I got drunk one afternoon and began to text her abusive messages. This went on for about three hours. The more she ignored me, the worse the messages got. I don't know why I did it. I don't have the answer. From that day, however, she has never spoken to me, despite all we had been through. I need to understand why. After all the plans we made and the promises we made, how can she just discard our relationship? I said some cruel and vile things. I clearly have some issues and I asked her to stand by me and help me get it sorted. And I have been seeing a counsellor to help rid myself of this ugly side, understand the triggers, etc.
I have tried to apologise on countless occasions but she won't even engage in conversation. She has threatened to tell my wife and the police if I continue to even ask her how she is, or tell her stuff I'm thinking. The nasty texts have stopped, but no matter what I say to her, she doesn't want to know. Given all we have been through together, I hoped she would forgive me. Six weeks on and she has not.
I maintain that the pressure of the situation caused me to blow my top, but she will not accept this at all. She wants to be on her own and hates me for how I made her feel when I sent those text messages. I still can't understand how these vile texts caused her to simply switch off and say she doesn't love me. Perhaps I am under-estimating the power of those text messages. But what is clear is that I love her, hate myself for throwing away something which preoccupies me 24/7, and feel right now that I will go to my grave knowing that we ended because of my errors.
Letting go is not easy. I have convinced myself that she still loves me deep down. Her words of passion ring in my ears constantly. I struggle to accept how she can just turn off.
Answer
You're in serious denial and need to get real - and fast.
I don't know what was in those texts you sent, but it was obviously not just vicious but truly frightening. Your woman friend didn't simply switch off loving you. You blew her out of the water entirely. It's nothing as simple as being upset, or as inexplicable as suddenly falling out of love. You terrified her. You revealed a viciousness which makes all feelings other than fear impossible for her. You don't love someone who's holding a gun to your head and threatening to shoot. Yes, I'm just using that as a metaphor. I'm not suggesting those were your words. I'm trying to paint the picture here.
I am sure you're right. The pressure of the situation got to you. The point is, the person you revealed yourself to be was not a pretty sight. And this is all about you. You're denial is about trying to dodge that fact. Look at what you're telling me. You are married and were having a secret affair. Your woman friend was married too. She clarified the situation from her side in that she ended her marriage. You continued 'under the radar' as you put it, because you still hadn't told your wife. The pressure in the situation was caused by you failing to clear the decks. And what did you then do? You turned vicious towards your woman friend.
Now you're acting amazed that she's told you to disappear. Isn't that, deep down, exactly what you wanted? Maybe her marriage was on the rocks anyway. That's not the issue. The issue is that both of you had plans, were 'living as a couple', and had set a date to come out in the open. Your woman friend took the steps that were needed to make that happen. She was serious. You didn't take the same steps. You were not serious.
You are still not serious. Your wife doesn't know. Instead you talk about having 'issues', and think your woman friend should stand by you while you see a counsellor about your 'ugly' side. Get real.
That ugly side as you call it surfaced because you didn't want to follow through on your commitment to this woman. You summoned it up as an aide to sabotaging your affair. I don't know what words you used, but in psychological terms you transferred the total responsibility of the affair onto her. All the negativity involved in having the affair, moral, emotional, social and practical, were shifted onto her. You blamed her for your bad behaviour.
Go deal with your conscience. Start taking emotional responsibility for your own behaviour. Handle your own guilt. Start being honest. And leave this woman strictly alone. This is not about her. It's about you.
