Question
I am writing to you about my 27 year old son who works in England. He has never had a girlfriend and I attribute this to his complete lack of confidence in his maleness. He grew up in a rural area, where his father is a farmer. His father was never a supportive figure in my son's life - not a bad man, but a completely inadequate one.
I worked outside the home and made sure my three children had a good education. The younger two, a sister and brother, have got on well and lead normal social lives. My oldest boy, on the other hand, had a tough time at school, was not good at football, which is important in a rural area if a boy is to be accepted, and he found male figures threatening. He always seemed to lack belief in himself though I did my best to encourage him. This, however, was not sufficient as he lacked a male role model.
Recently he told me he was gay. He seemed to qualify this, however, by saying that he had had a few encounters with men which fizzled out, but he found the experiences better than trying with girls. I would like to see my son having a meaningful relationship - or at least feeling confident that he could have such a relationship.
My question is: Are some boys born gay? Or do they become so because of circumstances? Or are they just undersexed and could go either way? If my son is truly gay I can accept that. But is it possible that he is choosing this path because he has such a dearth of confidence in his maleness and it is hence the easier way to go?
Answer
We're treading on very difficult ground here. Let me try and explain why.
You are not asking me an academic question, or voicing a query out of simple curiosity. This is not a theoretical debate. You are putting an emotionally laden question to me. That, of course, is fine. It does mean, however, that we have to pay close attention to the circumstances of your question, the reality of your life.
If your son tells you he's gay, then you have to accept it. At 27 years of age, he has to make this decision for himself, or with the help of a counsellor, or friends. You can have no input, other than to love him and be on his side. It would be psychologically inappropriate for you to try and tease this out with him. Being his mother, you are automatically too emotionally involved. The question of who we are always has a family history.
Secondly, you've already pointed a finger at the 'culprit' in this story, namely your husband - even if you couch it in terms of him being weak, rather than downright nasty. Maybe you don't mean it. Maybe you're not even consciously aware of it. The truth is, however, that you're into the blame game. And as you know, this is a blame-free zone here. Think of it another way. How on earth could it help your son to have you write off his father as totally inadequate? What would that achieve? Your son needs you to love him, accept him, and allow him forge his way in life as he sees fit.
The point I'm making is that you will get nowhere with your knowledge of the nature of homosexuality if you try to use it either to change your son, or to scapegoat his father. That route leads only to great unhappiness. It certainly won't help your son.
Those are the circumstances of your question, now to the question itself. It is virtually impossible to scientifically separate nature from nurture in human beings. The reason is simple: You can't isolate a child from social encounters. The baby already meets his environment while still in the womb. So what is heredity, and what is learning? Gay men are genetically male, and have ordinary levels of the male hormone testosterone. There are, in other words, no obvious differences in terms of heredity, or nature. That said, of course, subtle differences in our make-up can have a serious influence. The point is, we don't know.
We do know, from observation and experience, that men can behave both gay and straight. Locked into a totally male environment, heterosexual men can seek comfort from their companions. And so, of course, can women. Sexual orientation, if you like, is a preference, rather than an absolute.
We can also see how the emotional and social environment can make it harder for a man to be heterosexual. You've mentioned one - the lack of an appropriate male model. And you can say that differently, namely the presence of an inappropriate male model - like a violent and nasty father for example. A claustrophobic emotional closeness to his mother can also hinder heterosexual development, for this is a love which must be denied. The absence of any parental love can leave a child open to influence too. If a man comes along who is kind to him, who knows?
My own professional take on it? In the apparent absence of any possibility of proving otherwise, I must, in the interests of intellectual honesty, concede the possibility of a biological potential for homosexuality. That said, I do believe the social and emotional environment plays a huge, indeed a deciding, role. Only it's a lot more complicated than an ineffectual father or an over-involved mother. The factors are a thousand-fold, often very subtle, and interact with each other in their influence.
Sexual orientation, I believe, is socially shaped by society's norms. Is there a male role which a sensitive human being can fit into? Is there space within that role for variety? What kind of heroes does a society create? Are boys encouraged to be men? Is homosexuality raised to the level of an ideal state, rather than just one possibility? Did the family allow the outside world in? Was a child loved? Was a father respected? Did parents help the boy to separate out from their love with confidence and security? The point is, there is no simple equation such as bad father, gay boy; or smothering mother, gay boy; or institutionalised child, gay boy.
The subject involves a long conversation, which maybe we'll have one day. Meanwhile, remember, no blame-game, no anger, no interference. Just love your son, and let him find his own feet.
