Question
I find it very hard to fancy someone. When I do, I fall for them really hard and it takes me months, sometimes years, to get over them. In recent years I have fallen for men whom I met through work. They have been very intelligent and great company and I have seriously fancied them - even fallen deeply in love. They tell me, and show me, that they are crazy about me. However, all of them have been in relationships, so my relationship with them was always platonic. I would never break up a couple. But in the process of falling for them, and then grieving for them, I'm closed off to meeting someone else.
I am 31, a former model, have a great job, and am great at living life to the full. I get asked out a huge amount of times, even when I'm just out for a walk, or in a supermarket. I don't mean to sound vain, but I am extremely good-looking and this is something a lot of people comment on. For me it has been more of a problem than a plus, the reason being that men can see me as a trophy, and women can see me as a threat, so I get very badly hurt. I usually keep this to myself as nobody will have empathy if they think you are saying that "it's tough to be beautiful".
I really really want to meet someone, but I haven't had a proper boyfriend in nearly 10 years. I am not gay. I have questioned this, but I'm not. I really wouldn't care if I was. I just want to love someone and for them to love me. I have so much to give, but I'm terribly fussy. Please help. I don't want to end up alone. There is something blocking me from finding love and I really don't know what it is.
Answer
Beauty is like financial riches. It can cloud the issue of why someone is really in your life. So yes, it can be tough to be beautiful.
You, however, are making it an awful lot tougher. Look at what you're telling me. You fall for married, or otherwise committed men. They adore you. And then you back off. And you wonder why other women see you as a threat? Don't you think they know that you either like the safety of the unattainable, or the conquest of someone else's man? Either way, can't you see that this makes you an enemy? And do you think it helps for one minute, that you proclaim you would never break a couple up? Don't you see that the exercise of your power is what makes you so dangerous to be around? The fact that other peoples' happiness is in your control?
Believe me, I am not trying to be nasty to you. I am trying to tear down the veil which stops you seeing the truth, namely that you are the maker of your own destiny. It's not your beauty which is isolating you. It's your behaviour. And yes, I do understand that there is something serious blocking you from finding real love. You're dodging any kind of sexual involvement. Falling for men in committed relationships, combined with an attitude of never breaking up a couple, means you can keep it platonic. You get all the attention you crave, carve out a kind of controlled intimacy, but never have to take the sexual plunge. And no, I don't think you are gay either. At least it's not the only possible explanation. I think you could well have been emotionally damaged at some early point in your life, leaving you either terrified of sexual involvement, or else hooked on seduction, which is all the more compelling because it is never consummated. No, it is never a good idea to try and make a diagnosis on the basis of one letter. I'm not doing so. I'm just trying to paint some possible scenarios.
You're not fussy, as you put it. You are emotionally crippled, or blocked as you say yourself, which is very different. And yes, this handicap is relegating you to a very lonely life. I don't like suggesting therapy all the time, but you do need to disentangle your emotions and fears and belief systems and perceptions. And from where I'm sitting, it looks like that's going to require some professional help.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
My Partner Dodges Responsibility
Question
I'm 36 years old and an unmarried mother of three. I've put up with a less than satisfying relationship for sixteen years. I am a people-pleaser and seem happy to the outside world. I try to pretend life is good with my partner. We live as a family, but, to be honest, he has always lived as a single man and I have allowed him to do so for fear of losing him. I now can't believe that I've let so many years pass without making any changes. I'm the sort of person who lives in the hope of making my 'family' happy and normal. Will I ever grow up?
I live with someone who doesn't value or respect me. He comes from a broken home, didn't see his father for years, and loves and hates his mother in equal measure. Very early on I saw that all of this had a profound effect on his emotional development, but thought that love would conquer all. Yes, how naïve of me. He seems to love me in his own way, but can be cruel when he doesn't get what he wants. He's told me lots of times that he's only here because of the children, but when we've made up again, he says he never meant it. I feel very sad that when he's in good humour I'm happy and when he is in a moody phase I'm walking on eggshells. His mood decides how I feel! It's so needy of me! I can't believe I haven't changed this repetitive cycle. He moves from being a lovely, kind partner who has no problem giving me money and supporting me, to a horribly moody partner who blames me for everything, making nasty cruel comments and basically telling me to get out.
We have wonderful children who now witness a man bullying a woman who allows it to happen. How my children view me is so important to me. How they will develop and enjoy their lives is paramount to me. Yet when I think of making changes, panic attacks happen and fear makes me weak again. I am so afraid of having my children come from a broken home. Yet realistically I understand that us behaving the way we do will damage them just as much. So who am I trying to kid?
I have lost a lot of friendships and relationships over the years due to my partner being rude to me in front of them. I've tried to calmly talk to him over the years, but he just makes me feel stupid. It sounds such a childish thing to say, but I never win. I never get my point across. I always start crying and retreat. He knows exactly what to say to silence me. I've already been to counselling, and I know I need to change things. Why am I so weak?
Answer
Stop knocking yourself. There's always a time when we know things have to change, but we haven't yet got the courage to go there. It's running on the spot, emotionally, a sort of holding operation until we gather ourselves together. Be proud you've reached this point, which undoubtedly involved a lot of painful soul searching.
It's a Sisyphus exercise trying to win with words. Forget it. Doing is what's required. Emotional bullying - like all bullying - is practiced solely by the weak. And threats are just that, threats. They do not imply any particular action, are chosen solely on the basis of beating you down. Certainly your partner knows what to say. But only because he understands your vulnerability. It's all just hot air really, designed to win an argument, or reassert his power, unkind of course, but then all bullies are unkind because they are basically just so scared themselves.
Keep it simple. I'm not sure what you mean about living as a single man, but I presume he sees his financial contribution as an optional extra, or something to bargain with when he wants his way. Tell him, gently, reasonably, but with great clarity, that you need a fixed sum on which you can rely. When he threatens to withhold, ignore it. If he actually withholds, tell him the kids need financial security - and then leave him to step up the plate. Do you understand? And then, if he actually defaults, leave a very obvious gap in the household like his dinner, or better still, some much-loved extra treat which will leave the kids complaining, loud and clear. No threats. No heroic big stand. No end scenarios. No tears. Just leave him to face the consequences of his behaviour. Stop fixing it.
That's just an example - and maybe way too big a step for you right now. Which is fine. Baby steps are best anyway. The hard truth is that appeasement - which is what you do - simply perpetuates the bullying. And so the situation you hate - and which is equally bad for your partner by the way - continues. So stop fixing, however tentative those first steps are.
I'm 36 years old and an unmarried mother of three. I've put up with a less than satisfying relationship for sixteen years. I am a people-pleaser and seem happy to the outside world. I try to pretend life is good with my partner. We live as a family, but, to be honest, he has always lived as a single man and I have allowed him to do so for fear of losing him. I now can't believe that I've let so many years pass without making any changes. I'm the sort of person who lives in the hope of making my 'family' happy and normal. Will I ever grow up?
I live with someone who doesn't value or respect me. He comes from a broken home, didn't see his father for years, and loves and hates his mother in equal measure. Very early on I saw that all of this had a profound effect on his emotional development, but thought that love would conquer all. Yes, how naïve of me. He seems to love me in his own way, but can be cruel when he doesn't get what he wants. He's told me lots of times that he's only here because of the children, but when we've made up again, he says he never meant it. I feel very sad that when he's in good humour I'm happy and when he is in a moody phase I'm walking on eggshells. His mood decides how I feel! It's so needy of me! I can't believe I haven't changed this repetitive cycle. He moves from being a lovely, kind partner who has no problem giving me money and supporting me, to a horribly moody partner who blames me for everything, making nasty cruel comments and basically telling me to get out.
We have wonderful children who now witness a man bullying a woman who allows it to happen. How my children view me is so important to me. How they will develop and enjoy their lives is paramount to me. Yet when I think of making changes, panic attacks happen and fear makes me weak again. I am so afraid of having my children come from a broken home. Yet realistically I understand that us behaving the way we do will damage them just as much. So who am I trying to kid?
I have lost a lot of friendships and relationships over the years due to my partner being rude to me in front of them. I've tried to calmly talk to him over the years, but he just makes me feel stupid. It sounds such a childish thing to say, but I never win. I never get my point across. I always start crying and retreat. He knows exactly what to say to silence me. I've already been to counselling, and I know I need to change things. Why am I so weak?
Answer
Stop knocking yourself. There's always a time when we know things have to change, but we haven't yet got the courage to go there. It's running on the spot, emotionally, a sort of holding operation until we gather ourselves together. Be proud you've reached this point, which undoubtedly involved a lot of painful soul searching.
It's a Sisyphus exercise trying to win with words. Forget it. Doing is what's required. Emotional bullying - like all bullying - is practiced solely by the weak. And threats are just that, threats. They do not imply any particular action, are chosen solely on the basis of beating you down. Certainly your partner knows what to say. But only because he understands your vulnerability. It's all just hot air really, designed to win an argument, or reassert his power, unkind of course, but then all bullies are unkind because they are basically just so scared themselves.
Keep it simple. I'm not sure what you mean about living as a single man, but I presume he sees his financial contribution as an optional extra, or something to bargain with when he wants his way. Tell him, gently, reasonably, but with great clarity, that you need a fixed sum on which you can rely. When he threatens to withhold, ignore it. If he actually withholds, tell him the kids need financial security - and then leave him to step up the plate. Do you understand? And then, if he actually defaults, leave a very obvious gap in the household like his dinner, or better still, some much-loved extra treat which will leave the kids complaining, loud and clear. No threats. No heroic big stand. No end scenarios. No tears. Just leave him to face the consequences of his behaviour. Stop fixing it.
That's just an example - and maybe way too big a step for you right now. Which is fine. Baby steps are best anyway. The hard truth is that appeasement - which is what you do - simply perpetuates the bullying. And so the situation you hate - and which is equally bad for your partner by the way - continues. So stop fixing, however tentative those first steps are.
I'm Not In Love With My Lover
Question
I am currently in a relationship with a man whom I care about, but would not say I am madly in love with. He is, however, very much in love with me.
Relationships were difficult for me in the past and I spent much of my dating life avoiding intimacy. I have addressed this issue, and only now feel that I know how to be in a relationship. I do regret some of the great guys I let go in the past. I am not very hung up on marriage, but I would like to have kids. The problem is that I'm not too far off 40 and feel time is running out.
Do I settle and make a go of it with this man? Or do I try and find someone whom I truly love? I know this may sound cold, but I need to be realistic about my future dreams and women can't ignore the ticking of that biological clock.
Answer
Be careful about looking back. Remember, those great guys were seen through the prism of problems with intimacy. You knew them when you couldn't get emotionally close. So there's at least a question mark over your assessment of how great they really were. No, of course I'm not knocking you, just asking you to be wise.
To answer your question directly - it all depends on what part of being madly in love is missing with this guy. What do you mean when you say 'truly in love'? Are you talking about him ringing all your bells? What makes a marriage work is not the heady moments of wildly fancying someone. Love endures when it is accompanied by real respect, the capacity for kindness, and proper gratitude for having found a good man who cares deeply for us.
Let me put it differently. Romantic love helps us over the hurdle of irritation. It's an altered state of consciousness which buries the negative bits and highlights the positive bits - much like the way all mothers think their own babies are beautiful. Yes, it is real. And yes it's wonderful. But it's not the only route to marital happiness.
In a cooler, more conscious, but equally valid way, we can live in love and harmony with someone whom we see clearly, rather than through rose-tinted glasses.
The question is therefore simple. Can you be good and kind and loving and gentle with this man? Can you quietly grieve the absence of whatever constitutes being madly in love, without punishing him for your disappointment? Can you avoid comparisons with the great guys who got away? More accurately, can you see that this is the man you're with precisely because you put in the hard work of dealing with past issues - that he is the companion of the new you, now that you're capable of being in a relationship? Don't you see? This man could be truly the great guy who got away, while you mourned the past. Couldn't he? Or have I got it all wrong?
I am currently in a relationship with a man whom I care about, but would not say I am madly in love with. He is, however, very much in love with me.
Relationships were difficult for me in the past and I spent much of my dating life avoiding intimacy. I have addressed this issue, and only now feel that I know how to be in a relationship. I do regret some of the great guys I let go in the past. I am not very hung up on marriage, but I would like to have kids. The problem is that I'm not too far off 40 and feel time is running out.
Do I settle and make a go of it with this man? Or do I try and find someone whom I truly love? I know this may sound cold, but I need to be realistic about my future dreams and women can't ignore the ticking of that biological clock.
Answer
Be careful about looking back. Remember, those great guys were seen through the prism of problems with intimacy. You knew them when you couldn't get emotionally close. So there's at least a question mark over your assessment of how great they really were. No, of course I'm not knocking you, just asking you to be wise.
To answer your question directly - it all depends on what part of being madly in love is missing with this guy. What do you mean when you say 'truly in love'? Are you talking about him ringing all your bells? What makes a marriage work is not the heady moments of wildly fancying someone. Love endures when it is accompanied by real respect, the capacity for kindness, and proper gratitude for having found a good man who cares deeply for us.
Let me put it differently. Romantic love helps us over the hurdle of irritation. It's an altered state of consciousness which buries the negative bits and highlights the positive bits - much like the way all mothers think their own babies are beautiful. Yes, it is real. And yes it's wonderful. But it's not the only route to marital happiness.
In a cooler, more conscious, but equally valid way, we can live in love and harmony with someone whom we see clearly, rather than through rose-tinted glasses.
The question is therefore simple. Can you be good and kind and loving and gentle with this man? Can you quietly grieve the absence of whatever constitutes being madly in love, without punishing him for your disappointment? Can you avoid comparisons with the great guys who got away? More accurately, can you see that this is the man you're with precisely because you put in the hard work of dealing with past issues - that he is the companion of the new you, now that you're capable of being in a relationship? Don't you see? This man could be truly the great guy who got away, while you mourned the past. Couldn't he? Or have I got it all wrong?
Can't Get Old Lover Out Of My Mind
Question
Five years ago I started dating someone I loved very much. We were together for two years. Then he got a job in Europe and the long-distance relationship was a killer. He stopped putting any effort into it, his phone calls diminished, and his visits became a rarity. When he did come back, twice or three times a year, he'd ring me, we'd go out together and have a wonderful time. But he never committed to anything, and didn't stay in regular contact.
I tried to date other guys, but always found something wrong with them. And my mind was still on the man I loved and I kept hoping each time he came back that things would be different. Each time he said he wasn't ready.
Then I met this amazing guy who truly loves me. I gave my ex one last chance to say he was serious, but he refused and I told him never to contact me again. He didn't. That was 18 months ago and the man I'm now with is really good, and very loving. He's great, and he's serious about me. Yet I can't stop thinking about my ex. I still feel the pain and hurt of him not loving me. And I still miss him. What am I doing wrong? Is this just my head playing games with me? Or am I with the wrong person? I don't want to end up throwing my life away for an ex who will never love me and ruining what I have with this guy.
Answer
Persisting with a love which will only bring heartache is self-destructive behaviour. You know that. It's obvious. What's a lot less obvious is the fact that it makes sense - not in the conscious world, but in the hidden world of our unconscious. Put another way, no behaviour, or symptom, or feeling or thought-process is stupid, or irrational. In our emotional world, which lives beneath the surface of our everyday lives, it is always entirely logical.
Some women love men who are truly awful to them. Why? Maybe they have low self-esteem and feel they deserve to be treated badly. Maybe they've chosen someone like their dad, hoping to win in this adult relationship where they lost in the child-father relationship. The daughters of alcoholics, don't forget, are more likely to choose alcoholic husbands. Or maybe the woman just feels on familiar terrain with a non-loving boyfriend. Maybe it's something you are used to, being abandoned I mean, having your ex pick you up and drop you again. Maybe there were elements of that in your childhood, from either your mother or father. Because mothers matter in our choice of man too. Then there are women who are on a kind of dogged, persistent, stubborn mission, wishing to win over a hard case, testing their own strength and emotional endurance to the extreme.
Yes, all of these strategies are damaging. But they are never senseless. What you need to do is face down your own particular life-pattern, the forces which drive you to mourn an ex who will never love you. All the scenarios I painted above were only examples. Yours, like everyone's, is a unique story, your own particular experiences. You just have to work out what it is. To do that, you have to first believe one thing. It is not about the man. It is never about the man. Your ex in that sense is irrelevant. It could be any man who leaves you unloved. Because this is about your past, a particular emotional road you've chosen in an attempt to make things right for yourself, however absurd that might seem on the face of it. Yes, I know I'm repeating myself. That's because I think it's a hard truth to take on board. It takes some digesting.
My advice? Stay with the man who loves you and helps you feel good about yourself. And start that journey of self-exploration, if necessary with professional help.
Five years ago I started dating someone I loved very much. We were together for two years. Then he got a job in Europe and the long-distance relationship was a killer. He stopped putting any effort into it, his phone calls diminished, and his visits became a rarity. When he did come back, twice or three times a year, he'd ring me, we'd go out together and have a wonderful time. But he never committed to anything, and didn't stay in regular contact.
I tried to date other guys, but always found something wrong with them. And my mind was still on the man I loved and I kept hoping each time he came back that things would be different. Each time he said he wasn't ready.
Then I met this amazing guy who truly loves me. I gave my ex one last chance to say he was serious, but he refused and I told him never to contact me again. He didn't. That was 18 months ago and the man I'm now with is really good, and very loving. He's great, and he's serious about me. Yet I can't stop thinking about my ex. I still feel the pain and hurt of him not loving me. And I still miss him. What am I doing wrong? Is this just my head playing games with me? Or am I with the wrong person? I don't want to end up throwing my life away for an ex who will never love me and ruining what I have with this guy.
Answer
Persisting with a love which will only bring heartache is self-destructive behaviour. You know that. It's obvious. What's a lot less obvious is the fact that it makes sense - not in the conscious world, but in the hidden world of our unconscious. Put another way, no behaviour, or symptom, or feeling or thought-process is stupid, or irrational. In our emotional world, which lives beneath the surface of our everyday lives, it is always entirely logical.
Some women love men who are truly awful to them. Why? Maybe they have low self-esteem and feel they deserve to be treated badly. Maybe they've chosen someone like their dad, hoping to win in this adult relationship where they lost in the child-father relationship. The daughters of alcoholics, don't forget, are more likely to choose alcoholic husbands. Or maybe the woman just feels on familiar terrain with a non-loving boyfriend. Maybe it's something you are used to, being abandoned I mean, having your ex pick you up and drop you again. Maybe there were elements of that in your childhood, from either your mother or father. Because mothers matter in our choice of man too. Then there are women who are on a kind of dogged, persistent, stubborn mission, wishing to win over a hard case, testing their own strength and emotional endurance to the extreme.
Yes, all of these strategies are damaging. But they are never senseless. What you need to do is face down your own particular life-pattern, the forces which drive you to mourn an ex who will never love you. All the scenarios I painted above were only examples. Yours, like everyone's, is a unique story, your own particular experiences. You just have to work out what it is. To do that, you have to first believe one thing. It is not about the man. It is never about the man. Your ex in that sense is irrelevant. It could be any man who leaves you unloved. Because this is about your past, a particular emotional road you've chosen in an attempt to make things right for yourself, however absurd that might seem on the face of it. Yes, I know I'm repeating myself. That's because I think it's a hard truth to take on board. It takes some digesting.
My advice? Stay with the man who loves you and helps you feel good about yourself. And start that journey of self-exploration, if necessary with professional help.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Control Freak Boyfriend Wants Marriage
Question
I have been dating this guy for over two years now. I broke up with him early in the relationship because I couldn't stand his behaviour. He was a control freak and used to threaten to commit suicide if I left him. Well I did leave for four months, and then went back again. He told me he'd changed and I believed him because I was still in love with him.
We were only together again for a couple of months when he had to go away on business. Before he left, he set up a system on my phone so that we could chat on a daily basis while he was gone. What I didn't realise was that it also allowed him to see who else I was talking to. I only found out when he got so angry that he confronted me with some comments I made to a friend.
But there are rules for me, and rules for him. I found nude photos of a woman on his phone. When I confronted him he said it was his ex-girlfriend and he had no idea how the photos could still be there. I also found out that he was chatting, very intimately, with a wide range of people I didn't know, and doing so behind my back. And all this time he was controlling every conversation I had. He still checks all my sent items, delivery reports, dialled calls etc. And I have to report all my movements, even something as simple as going to the shops. In fact, I have to let him know in advance, as though I needed his permission.
Now he wants to marry me and I believe that if I agree, then I'll be digging my own grave. He is unable to control his jealousy and the chances are that he will never change. He doesn't help me with things like carrying luggage or heavy shopping bags, and certainly doesn't help domestically. He's also mean with money. When he buys something, I have to share the cost, but when it's the other way around, he's broke. He always claims he loves me, but it doesn't feel that way. I don't believe he'll ever see things the way I see them.
I need help. I'm so caught up in my boyfriend's chaos. Sometimes I feel he is obsessed with me. I don't know how to sort this issue out. Sometimes I still want him, but a lot of the time I don't. Because really, I have had enough of him and his stories and his endlessly controlling behaviour. Now it's my turn to distrust him - which I never did before. And we fight over the smallest things. I don't think it helps that he's from a different culture, an immigrant, although he has totally legal status here.
Answer
Well no, it probably doesn't help. It is easy to make a judgment call and say someone is a control freak when they share our cultural norms, but step outside its boundaries. What you seem to be up against is a completely different approach to women - at least it's a distinct possibility. In that situation, you are battling not with one human being who has somehow lost his way, but with a complete culture. And you won't win.
Even if this is not the case, and your boyfriend's behaviour has nothing to do with his cultural background, you probably won't win. And by winning I mean being happy. Not only is this man contolling, he's not nice to you either. He doesn't even financially pull his weight, let alone support you. I can't see any kindness there, let alone love. So yes, digging your own grave sounds about right. That's what marriage to him would mean.
Knowing the sensible thing to do is very different than actually doing it. We could talk about your boyfriend forever. The real issue is why you stay with him, what's holding you in there, and what can be done about it. How, in other words, can you dodge that grave you're threatening to dig for yourself. I don't know the answer, of course, but to help you find it, here are some suggestions. All of us are scared of loneliness. We're also scared of not being loved. Sometimes that drives us into the very scenario we fear most. There is no lonelier place on this planet than a marriage to someone who treats you badly. The key to avoiding that is hope - the hope that we will find someone good to share our lives with. What helps us hope is self-esteem. Thinking well of yourself means you steer well away from damaging partners because you believe you are worthy of better treatment - and because you also believe you'll find it. Self-esteem, if you like, protects us from despair. Think about it.
I have been dating this guy for over two years now. I broke up with him early in the relationship because I couldn't stand his behaviour. He was a control freak and used to threaten to commit suicide if I left him. Well I did leave for four months, and then went back again. He told me he'd changed and I believed him because I was still in love with him.
We were only together again for a couple of months when he had to go away on business. Before he left, he set up a system on my phone so that we could chat on a daily basis while he was gone. What I didn't realise was that it also allowed him to see who else I was talking to. I only found out when he got so angry that he confronted me with some comments I made to a friend.
But there are rules for me, and rules for him. I found nude photos of a woman on his phone. When I confronted him he said it was his ex-girlfriend and he had no idea how the photos could still be there. I also found out that he was chatting, very intimately, with a wide range of people I didn't know, and doing so behind my back. And all this time he was controlling every conversation I had. He still checks all my sent items, delivery reports, dialled calls etc. And I have to report all my movements, even something as simple as going to the shops. In fact, I have to let him know in advance, as though I needed his permission.
Now he wants to marry me and I believe that if I agree, then I'll be digging my own grave. He is unable to control his jealousy and the chances are that he will never change. He doesn't help me with things like carrying luggage or heavy shopping bags, and certainly doesn't help domestically. He's also mean with money. When he buys something, I have to share the cost, but when it's the other way around, he's broke. He always claims he loves me, but it doesn't feel that way. I don't believe he'll ever see things the way I see them.
I need help. I'm so caught up in my boyfriend's chaos. Sometimes I feel he is obsessed with me. I don't know how to sort this issue out. Sometimes I still want him, but a lot of the time I don't. Because really, I have had enough of him and his stories and his endlessly controlling behaviour. Now it's my turn to distrust him - which I never did before. And we fight over the smallest things. I don't think it helps that he's from a different culture, an immigrant, although he has totally legal status here.
Answer
Well no, it probably doesn't help. It is easy to make a judgment call and say someone is a control freak when they share our cultural norms, but step outside its boundaries. What you seem to be up against is a completely different approach to women - at least it's a distinct possibility. In that situation, you are battling not with one human being who has somehow lost his way, but with a complete culture. And you won't win.
Even if this is not the case, and your boyfriend's behaviour has nothing to do with his cultural background, you probably won't win. And by winning I mean being happy. Not only is this man contolling, he's not nice to you either. He doesn't even financially pull his weight, let alone support you. I can't see any kindness there, let alone love. So yes, digging your own grave sounds about right. That's what marriage to him would mean.
Knowing the sensible thing to do is very different than actually doing it. We could talk about your boyfriend forever. The real issue is why you stay with him, what's holding you in there, and what can be done about it. How, in other words, can you dodge that grave you're threatening to dig for yourself. I don't know the answer, of course, but to help you find it, here are some suggestions. All of us are scared of loneliness. We're also scared of not being loved. Sometimes that drives us into the very scenario we fear most. There is no lonelier place on this planet than a marriage to someone who treats you badly. The key to avoiding that is hope - the hope that we will find someone good to share our lives with. What helps us hope is self-esteem. Thinking well of yourself means you steer well away from damaging partners because you believe you are worthy of better treatment - and because you also believe you'll find it. Self-esteem, if you like, protects us from despair. Think about it.
Rape Left Me Scarred
Question
I'm a 32 year old woman who would dearly love to find a partner. But relationships with the opposite sex don't seem to work. I'm told I'm attractive, and often have guys asking for my number, but somehow it seldom seems to go anywhere. I had one serious relationship lasting three years with a man I truly loved and was heartbroken when it ended. That was four years ago. I've had several 'liaisons' since, all lasting only a couple of months and none of them very serious. I have a great job and good friends, but still feel something is missing. My belief seems to be that if I were in a proper relationship, my life would fall into place. Logically, of course, I know this is not necessarily the case and happiness is found within, not through another person.
I have been in counselling for a year now. I sought help when I realised that I had never fully recovered from being raped a decade ago. The counselling has helped me let go of all the bad feelings about the rape, and has led me to examine other areas of my life. All of this has been hugely beneficial to my emotional well-being and I now deal much better with life in general. Certainly I am more in touch with my emotions and more accepting of myself and others.
One question haunts me. Is there something I am doing wrong? Am I in some way preventing potential relationships from working, some residual anger or defensiveness perhaps? Or could it be that I simply haven't met the right person yet?
Answer
Of course something is missing. You would like to have a loving relationship, meet that someone special, build a life together, share life's joys and vicissitudes. Why wouldn't you want to do that? You're not looking for someone to solve your life. You're looking for someone to enhance it. Don't knock yourself for wanting something so natural and normal.
No, you are not doing anything wrong. But yes, you may be preventing potential relationships - although not, perhaps, quite the way you might think. I'll explain later. What's important is that you don't knock yourself about that either. Being self-protective, tentative, slow to trust and anxious is appropriate. And it is essential that you love yourself enough to have patience with your wounded self. Rape doesn't just make us wary, or acutely aware of our vulnerability. It also ignites great anger and outrage. And yes, it can take time for us to avoid generalising that anger to all men and learn, instead, to reserve it for the perpetrator.
More subtly, and powerfully, rape can lead us to question ourselves. At a conscious level we know someone else committed an act of violence against us. The perpetrator is the guilty one. But deep down lies a buried fear that perhaps we invited it, or even worse, deserved it. It's not true, of course. But that's the awful thing about violence. In the subterranean areas of our unconscious, it can feed into a low sense of personal worth, and strengthen it. So many of us feel we are lesser beings because we were raped. And have to learn to deal with those feelings, and ditch them, because they are so completely untrue.
I know the rape was 10 years ago. But a year in counselling is a very short time, and until then the damage lay buried and largely untouched. Go gently with yourself. Take relationships as slowly as you need in order to feel comfortable. Don't try to hurry or hassle yourself. If you are sabotaging potential relationships, then you are more than likely doing so by trying to push yourself, trying, in short, to be a different person - and in the process becoming inauthentic. You don't have to explain to anyone that you were raped. You do have to pace yourself, and be true to yourself. You were wounded. That has left you with a variety of feelings. Respect them, and they will ease away, leaving you with a memory of something awful, but only that, a memory. And don't for a moment doubt that you will find the right man. Because you will.
I'm a 32 year old woman who would dearly love to find a partner. But relationships with the opposite sex don't seem to work. I'm told I'm attractive, and often have guys asking for my number, but somehow it seldom seems to go anywhere. I had one serious relationship lasting three years with a man I truly loved and was heartbroken when it ended. That was four years ago. I've had several 'liaisons' since, all lasting only a couple of months and none of them very serious. I have a great job and good friends, but still feel something is missing. My belief seems to be that if I were in a proper relationship, my life would fall into place. Logically, of course, I know this is not necessarily the case and happiness is found within, not through another person.
I have been in counselling for a year now. I sought help when I realised that I had never fully recovered from being raped a decade ago. The counselling has helped me let go of all the bad feelings about the rape, and has led me to examine other areas of my life. All of this has been hugely beneficial to my emotional well-being and I now deal much better with life in general. Certainly I am more in touch with my emotions and more accepting of myself and others.
One question haunts me. Is there something I am doing wrong? Am I in some way preventing potential relationships from working, some residual anger or defensiveness perhaps? Or could it be that I simply haven't met the right person yet?
Answer
Of course something is missing. You would like to have a loving relationship, meet that someone special, build a life together, share life's joys and vicissitudes. Why wouldn't you want to do that? You're not looking for someone to solve your life. You're looking for someone to enhance it. Don't knock yourself for wanting something so natural and normal.
No, you are not doing anything wrong. But yes, you may be preventing potential relationships - although not, perhaps, quite the way you might think. I'll explain later. What's important is that you don't knock yourself about that either. Being self-protective, tentative, slow to trust and anxious is appropriate. And it is essential that you love yourself enough to have patience with your wounded self. Rape doesn't just make us wary, or acutely aware of our vulnerability. It also ignites great anger and outrage. And yes, it can take time for us to avoid generalising that anger to all men and learn, instead, to reserve it for the perpetrator.
More subtly, and powerfully, rape can lead us to question ourselves. At a conscious level we know someone else committed an act of violence against us. The perpetrator is the guilty one. But deep down lies a buried fear that perhaps we invited it, or even worse, deserved it. It's not true, of course. But that's the awful thing about violence. In the subterranean areas of our unconscious, it can feed into a low sense of personal worth, and strengthen it. So many of us feel we are lesser beings because we were raped. And have to learn to deal with those feelings, and ditch them, because they are so completely untrue.
I know the rape was 10 years ago. But a year in counselling is a very short time, and until then the damage lay buried and largely untouched. Go gently with yourself. Take relationships as slowly as you need in order to feel comfortable. Don't try to hurry or hassle yourself. If you are sabotaging potential relationships, then you are more than likely doing so by trying to push yourself, trying, in short, to be a different person - and in the process becoming inauthentic. You don't have to explain to anyone that you were raped. You do have to pace yourself, and be true to yourself. You were wounded. That has left you with a variety of feelings. Respect them, and they will ease away, leaving you with a memory of something awful, but only that, a memory. And don't for a moment doubt that you will find the right man. Because you will.
I Told My Lover To Leave
Question
I suppose I've called it a day with my partner of over four years. Last December I asked him to move out of my house after yet another lie. We met through work, being in the same profession, and hit it off straight away. We actually became friends first because I thought he was married. When he asked me out he explained that he and his wife had been separated for over five years, although nothing had been done at a legal level. He still lived in the family home, in a somewhat separate annex. And he told me he had basically no contact with his wife except when it came to his three children, all of whom were in college.
So began our whirlwind romance. It was heaven. I was in my mid-thirties and thought I'd finally found the man of my dreams. He was my soul-mate. Six months later he moved into my house. Shortly afterwards several issues emerged which annoyed me. I found him quite mean about money, slow helping with household bills. And he never introduced me to any of his family. His post still went to his old home, he continued to pay the bills there, his status at his workplace was 'married' and he still shared a bank account with his ex-wife.
Yes, I know, alarm bells should have started ringing, but I always got plausible excuses and even though I was never entirely convinced, I put up with it, thinking that when his children were finished college, everything would change. I couldn't even begin to recount how many lies he told me over the years. The final straw, however, was realising that he talked about me to his wife in a way that indicated he and I were not a permanent couple. That, and the fact that an alleged business trip he was taking turned out to be a holiday - possibly with someone else. He'd certainly been trawling internet chat-rooms. So I asked him to leave. We didn't stop seeing each other. I just hoped that a break in living together would help him sort things out. It didn't. I remained in my role of playing second-fiddle to his wife and children. I loved him so much and would have done anything for him when things were good between us. All I ever asked was to be his first priority.
Have I been taken for a complete idiot, or is this guy just not capable of making the break from his family? Is there any hope? I still have feelings for him, although they are dwindling as the months go on. We are apart now. I told him I needed space. And for the first time, he has stayed away. Why do I feel so awful, and so very sad? I miss him, especially when it comes to social things we did together. I know I'll run into him in the course of business. It's just a matter of time. Could there really be any hope?
Answer
No, there is no hope. But that's not because this man is incapable of making the break from his family. And no, you were not taken for a complete idiot. You just saw the wrong picture. More precisely, you construed a false picture.
Your boyfriend has no desire to break with his wife, or formalise their separation. He is not waiting for the children to finish college. He has no deadline in his head at all. He's content with the way things are. And always was. OK, so maybe he said lots of things, particularly when you pushed it. In other words he told you lies. But he never behaved any differently. You just created deadlines in your own head, like the kids leaving college, saw things your way, because it helped you keep up the hope that he would become a true partner to you, and put you first. Viewed objectively, your boyfriend has organised his life in such a way that he's free to establish romantic involvements, but ones that will never really go anywhere. And that's the way he likes it.
Now he's moved on. You finally asserted your own needs - and he started shopping around. Yes, it is hurtful. But that's what happens when we deliberately live in a false reality. We buy hope and happiness now, and pay later. I am, by the way, most definitely not criticising you. We all get through life as best we can. And yes, hope is often worth that later pain. At the time you met him, you needed the love of your life. So, in part, you created him. He brought enough with him to allow you create the dream. Well, for a while anyway. Then you saw the light. And you called halt, which took great courage and a sound self-esteem. That same courage will carry you into a better relationship next time.
Let it go. And smile fleetingly next time you see him, as you walk on by.
I suppose I've called it a day with my partner of over four years. Last December I asked him to move out of my house after yet another lie. We met through work, being in the same profession, and hit it off straight away. We actually became friends first because I thought he was married. When he asked me out he explained that he and his wife had been separated for over five years, although nothing had been done at a legal level. He still lived in the family home, in a somewhat separate annex. And he told me he had basically no contact with his wife except when it came to his three children, all of whom were in college.
So began our whirlwind romance. It was heaven. I was in my mid-thirties and thought I'd finally found the man of my dreams. He was my soul-mate. Six months later he moved into my house. Shortly afterwards several issues emerged which annoyed me. I found him quite mean about money, slow helping with household bills. And he never introduced me to any of his family. His post still went to his old home, he continued to pay the bills there, his status at his workplace was 'married' and he still shared a bank account with his ex-wife.
Yes, I know, alarm bells should have started ringing, but I always got plausible excuses and even though I was never entirely convinced, I put up with it, thinking that when his children were finished college, everything would change. I couldn't even begin to recount how many lies he told me over the years. The final straw, however, was realising that he talked about me to his wife in a way that indicated he and I were not a permanent couple. That, and the fact that an alleged business trip he was taking turned out to be a holiday - possibly with someone else. He'd certainly been trawling internet chat-rooms. So I asked him to leave. We didn't stop seeing each other. I just hoped that a break in living together would help him sort things out. It didn't. I remained in my role of playing second-fiddle to his wife and children. I loved him so much and would have done anything for him when things were good between us. All I ever asked was to be his first priority.
Have I been taken for a complete idiot, or is this guy just not capable of making the break from his family? Is there any hope? I still have feelings for him, although they are dwindling as the months go on. We are apart now. I told him I needed space. And for the first time, he has stayed away. Why do I feel so awful, and so very sad? I miss him, especially when it comes to social things we did together. I know I'll run into him in the course of business. It's just a matter of time. Could there really be any hope?
Answer
No, there is no hope. But that's not because this man is incapable of making the break from his family. And no, you were not taken for a complete idiot. You just saw the wrong picture. More precisely, you construed a false picture.
Your boyfriend has no desire to break with his wife, or formalise their separation. He is not waiting for the children to finish college. He has no deadline in his head at all. He's content with the way things are. And always was. OK, so maybe he said lots of things, particularly when you pushed it. In other words he told you lies. But he never behaved any differently. You just created deadlines in your own head, like the kids leaving college, saw things your way, because it helped you keep up the hope that he would become a true partner to you, and put you first. Viewed objectively, your boyfriend has organised his life in such a way that he's free to establish romantic involvements, but ones that will never really go anywhere. And that's the way he likes it.
Now he's moved on. You finally asserted your own needs - and he started shopping around. Yes, it is hurtful. But that's what happens when we deliberately live in a false reality. We buy hope and happiness now, and pay later. I am, by the way, most definitely not criticising you. We all get through life as best we can. And yes, hope is often worth that later pain. At the time you met him, you needed the love of your life. So, in part, you created him. He brought enough with him to allow you create the dream. Well, for a while anyway. Then you saw the light. And you called halt, which took great courage and a sound self-esteem. That same courage will carry you into a better relationship next time.
Let it go. And smile fleetingly next time you see him, as you walk on by.
Trapped With A Lover I No Longer Want
Question
I've been in a relationship with a guy for five years now, and have wanted to end it for perhaps the last 12 months. But I feel trapped.
I think my boyfriend is depressed. He sends me texts when he is drunk that make me worry about him, just stuff like he has no friends, no confidence, and never has a good night out without me. If we do head out for the night he just talks to me. Even after five years, I barely know his friends. Professionally he's stuck too, lacking self-confidence and dodging projects whenever he can. And again, I'm the only one he talks to about all this.
I love him and he's my best friend. I want to be there for him, but not as a girlfriend. It's not that I want another boyfriend. I just want some time by myself. I don't want to constantly feel bad if I head out with the girls, or go home for the weekend. I don't want a relationship any more and this is quite independent of my boyfriend's problems.
My fear of his loneliness and lack of confidence makes me reluctant to break his heart. And it will break his heart, because he tells me so. He also tells me to break it off if I'm unhappy, but he thinks it's all to do with me wanting another boyfriend. I want to travel, to do girly things, to live by myself and feel free. As things stand, I feel I can't do any of these things. To avoid rows and hurt feelings, I turn down opportunities to do simple things like seeing my friends.
I feel terrible that this is the way I see things, and I know I should tell my boyfriend. But I worry about what will happen to him. I feel my life is passing me by. I also get dejected and upset quite frequently. I feel trapped.
Answer
Of course you want another boyfriend. Sure, you haven't got one lined up right now. And no, another man, per se, is not the reason you want out of your relationship. But let's be clear. You want a life. Part of that life is love, marriage and children. So yes, you want someone else, sometime.
The reason I'm harping on this is to demolish guilt. At the moment you feel guilty - which is why you're hanging in there. Your boyfriend knows this. He may be depressed but he's not an idiot. He sees the truth. It's guilt that binds you to him. He also knows that you want a life. You want out. He's just not strong enough to send you on your way, even though he knows there's no self-respect possible in the status quo. Just as you're not strong enough to admit the truth to him, well not openly anyway. So instead he's inviting you to leave, but in such a way that makes it difficult for you. And you're pretending you just want to do girlie things.
That's what we do in relationships. We try to get off the hook, while at the same time refusing to let the other person off the hook. Courage is just so hard, so we dodge instead. The sad part is that in the process we are destructive, rather than kind. Your boyfriend is clearly depressed and dependent. Those two go intimately hand in hand. In mopping up his distress, you reinforce his dependency. Certainly you mean well. But you are doing him no favours. Because it's not him you are actually indulging. It is yourself. You don't want to feel guilty. So you stay with him.
What's so wrong with walking out on him? Has your presence brought any discernable change in his situation? Is it not at least possible that the crutch you provide has hindered him doing something about his distress? Could it even be that he remains so dependent because he feels, not without reason, that this is the best way to keep you hanging in there? He says that you leaving would break his heart. But maybe his heart needs breaking. We have to leave our comfort zone in order to heal. Sometimes the crutch has to go before we can change.
It is, of course, manipulation on your boyfriend's part to say his heart will be broken if you go. But just so you know, manipulation is not a dirty word. It's what we all do, all the time, with everybody. We wend and weave. It's called social intercourse, communicating, making life work. It's his way of trying to get what he wants - maybe not what's best for him, but what he wants. It's your responsibility to make sure his words don't deflect you from the truth, don't trap you, to use your own phrase. That means facing your own weakness, which is the strong desire to be seen as good, and your faulty belief system that you are responsible for your boyfriend's happiness. Said differently, it's your failure to face the fact that you are part of the problem. The crutch is always co-responsible.
Look, you are both trapped. And in terms of solving the problem you're ahead, if nothing else because you bothered to ask for advice. Stop pussy-footing around. Stop trying to remain in your comfort zone by trying to insist that you stay close as a friend. Say goodbye. If he asks for advice, from a safe emotional distance, give it. Be a real friend. Go live your life.
I've been in a relationship with a guy for five years now, and have wanted to end it for perhaps the last 12 months. But I feel trapped.
I think my boyfriend is depressed. He sends me texts when he is drunk that make me worry about him, just stuff like he has no friends, no confidence, and never has a good night out without me. If we do head out for the night he just talks to me. Even after five years, I barely know his friends. Professionally he's stuck too, lacking self-confidence and dodging projects whenever he can. And again, I'm the only one he talks to about all this.
I love him and he's my best friend. I want to be there for him, but not as a girlfriend. It's not that I want another boyfriend. I just want some time by myself. I don't want to constantly feel bad if I head out with the girls, or go home for the weekend. I don't want a relationship any more and this is quite independent of my boyfriend's problems.
My fear of his loneliness and lack of confidence makes me reluctant to break his heart. And it will break his heart, because he tells me so. He also tells me to break it off if I'm unhappy, but he thinks it's all to do with me wanting another boyfriend. I want to travel, to do girly things, to live by myself and feel free. As things stand, I feel I can't do any of these things. To avoid rows and hurt feelings, I turn down opportunities to do simple things like seeing my friends.
I feel terrible that this is the way I see things, and I know I should tell my boyfriend. But I worry about what will happen to him. I feel my life is passing me by. I also get dejected and upset quite frequently. I feel trapped.
Answer
Of course you want another boyfriend. Sure, you haven't got one lined up right now. And no, another man, per se, is not the reason you want out of your relationship. But let's be clear. You want a life. Part of that life is love, marriage and children. So yes, you want someone else, sometime.
The reason I'm harping on this is to demolish guilt. At the moment you feel guilty - which is why you're hanging in there. Your boyfriend knows this. He may be depressed but he's not an idiot. He sees the truth. It's guilt that binds you to him. He also knows that you want a life. You want out. He's just not strong enough to send you on your way, even though he knows there's no self-respect possible in the status quo. Just as you're not strong enough to admit the truth to him, well not openly anyway. So instead he's inviting you to leave, but in such a way that makes it difficult for you. And you're pretending you just want to do girlie things.
That's what we do in relationships. We try to get off the hook, while at the same time refusing to let the other person off the hook. Courage is just so hard, so we dodge instead. The sad part is that in the process we are destructive, rather than kind. Your boyfriend is clearly depressed and dependent. Those two go intimately hand in hand. In mopping up his distress, you reinforce his dependency. Certainly you mean well. But you are doing him no favours. Because it's not him you are actually indulging. It is yourself. You don't want to feel guilty. So you stay with him.
What's so wrong with walking out on him? Has your presence brought any discernable change in his situation? Is it not at least possible that the crutch you provide has hindered him doing something about his distress? Could it even be that he remains so dependent because he feels, not without reason, that this is the best way to keep you hanging in there? He says that you leaving would break his heart. But maybe his heart needs breaking. We have to leave our comfort zone in order to heal. Sometimes the crutch has to go before we can change.
It is, of course, manipulation on your boyfriend's part to say his heart will be broken if you go. But just so you know, manipulation is not a dirty word. It's what we all do, all the time, with everybody. We wend and weave. It's called social intercourse, communicating, making life work. It's his way of trying to get what he wants - maybe not what's best for him, but what he wants. It's your responsibility to make sure his words don't deflect you from the truth, don't trap you, to use your own phrase. That means facing your own weakness, which is the strong desire to be seen as good, and your faulty belief system that you are responsible for your boyfriend's happiness. Said differently, it's your failure to face the fact that you are part of the problem. The crutch is always co-responsible.
Look, you are both trapped. And in terms of solving the problem you're ahead, if nothing else because you bothered to ask for advice. Stop pussy-footing around. Stop trying to remain in your comfort zone by trying to insist that you stay close as a friend. Say goodbye. If he asks for advice, from a safe emotional distance, give it. Be a real friend. Go live your life.
I Don't Know How To Show I Care
Question
I'm a 22 year-old college student with seemingly everything going for me. I'm happy with my course, get good results, have loads of friends, and have a CV chocker-block full of achievements, academic and otherwise. Without wanting to sound 'cocky' I've always been told that I'm very good-looking and have no confidence issues with my looks. On paper I appear practically perfect. My state of mind, however, is far from perfect. I feel I'm becoming a burden on my closest friends and need an objective opinion as I constantly have issues to do with men, which are getting me down.
I have many close male friends and get on great with them. The problem is with non-friends, whom I really like. I've no shortage of male admirers, but my normal reaction has been to ignore a guy I really like and act indifferent. I never wanted to appear eager for fear of rejection. Maybe this is the result of my parents' tumultuous relationship when I was growing up, I don't know. I sometimes resented my father's old school attitude towards my stay-at-home mother and the constant rows, upsets and walk-outs.
Whatever the reason for it, my behaviour has resulted in a lot of rejection.
Last week a boy I really like said our relationship was going nowhere, that it wasn't serious. That's my fault. Other boys said I came across as cold, and told me my behaviour could be very problematic. You see, I've never wanted to be one of those girls who throws themselves at men and is ridiculed by people behind her back. But a few friends have told me that I come across indifferent, even though I really liked those boys. I did try to be friendlier, which was quite difficult considering my lack of confidence with these guys, but it was too late. The fact that I appear so confident doesn't help. These guys see me as a “bitch” who thinks she can have anyone, and is just playing with them. Yet the opposite is true. I like them so much, but fear being around them in case they might see the real me. I feel so down about this, crying a lot and generally feeling worthless.
Answer
You've diagnosed yourself. You are scared of rejection, so you don't let the boys get close. You even know why, in broad terms anyway. Your parents' relationship didn't seem secure. Certainly they approached their differences in a very immature fashion. Your mother in particular seemed one-down to you. So you feared the fragility of relationships, and the fragility of women in particular. Chances are, your parents were also immature in their parenting, leaving you doubly insecure.
Keeping an artificial distance doesn't help - as you now know. The threat lies within you, that fear of helplessness once you care for a man. The challenge, therefore, is to let go your desperate desire to control things. Or rather, learning to control them in a different way. Think about it. You like a boy. You smile, and chat to him at the bar, or dance with him at a gig. He suggests a date and you say yes. He knows you like him. You have not lost control. You can, at any point, challenge what he's doing, or not doing. Caring doesn't mean putting up with bad behaviour. You are not helpless. You can shape the way the relationship goes. Try it, taking tiny steps. And go see the college counsellor, to talk things through.
I'm a 22 year-old college student with seemingly everything going for me. I'm happy with my course, get good results, have loads of friends, and have a CV chocker-block full of achievements, academic and otherwise. Without wanting to sound 'cocky' I've always been told that I'm very good-looking and have no confidence issues with my looks. On paper I appear practically perfect. My state of mind, however, is far from perfect. I feel I'm becoming a burden on my closest friends and need an objective opinion as I constantly have issues to do with men, which are getting me down.
I have many close male friends and get on great with them. The problem is with non-friends, whom I really like. I've no shortage of male admirers, but my normal reaction has been to ignore a guy I really like and act indifferent. I never wanted to appear eager for fear of rejection. Maybe this is the result of my parents' tumultuous relationship when I was growing up, I don't know. I sometimes resented my father's old school attitude towards my stay-at-home mother and the constant rows, upsets and walk-outs.
Whatever the reason for it, my behaviour has resulted in a lot of rejection.
Last week a boy I really like said our relationship was going nowhere, that it wasn't serious. That's my fault. Other boys said I came across as cold, and told me my behaviour could be very problematic. You see, I've never wanted to be one of those girls who throws themselves at men and is ridiculed by people behind her back. But a few friends have told me that I come across indifferent, even though I really liked those boys. I did try to be friendlier, which was quite difficult considering my lack of confidence with these guys, but it was too late. The fact that I appear so confident doesn't help. These guys see me as a “bitch” who thinks she can have anyone, and is just playing with them. Yet the opposite is true. I like them so much, but fear being around them in case they might see the real me. I feel so down about this, crying a lot and generally feeling worthless.
Answer
You've diagnosed yourself. You are scared of rejection, so you don't let the boys get close. You even know why, in broad terms anyway. Your parents' relationship didn't seem secure. Certainly they approached their differences in a very immature fashion. Your mother in particular seemed one-down to you. So you feared the fragility of relationships, and the fragility of women in particular. Chances are, your parents were also immature in their parenting, leaving you doubly insecure.
Keeping an artificial distance doesn't help - as you now know. The threat lies within you, that fear of helplessness once you care for a man. The challenge, therefore, is to let go your desperate desire to control things. Or rather, learning to control them in a different way. Think about it. You like a boy. You smile, and chat to him at the bar, or dance with him at a gig. He suggests a date and you say yes. He knows you like him. You have not lost control. You can, at any point, challenge what he's doing, or not doing. Caring doesn't mean putting up with bad behaviour. You are not helpless. You can shape the way the relationship goes. Try it, taking tiny steps. And go see the college counsellor, to talk things through.
I'm Jealous About Lover's Fantasies
Question
I am a professionally employed woman in my mid-thirties and have been seeing my current boyfriend for the past six months. Beside his good points, the issue that's troubling me seems trivial. He is thoughtful, considerate, kind, generous and emotionally there for me - in short the kind of man most women dream about in vain. In fact my friends joke that I should tie him down permanently, but I'm not in any hurry to get married. Nor has he suggested anything, which is OK.
Although he is currently unemployed, he goes out of his way to treat me to a night out as often as he can, and if we have a night in at my house, he always brings wine or flowers or some small surprise. Well educated, he's a formidable debating opponent and offers a stimulating intellectual challenge. He also has a great sense of humour, which makes him fun to be around. He's good-looking, takes care of himself, and is an excellent and passionate lover. But although he constantly tells me he loves me, sex is at the root of the problem.
After making love one night recently I asked him what turns him on and he said his sexual fantasies are about women in leather gear, particularly those heavy motor-bike jackets. This would be no big deal except that my best friend has one, and always wears it when we're out as a group together. Given that she is currently single, extremely good-looking, and gets on really well with my boyfriend, I now feel deeply insecure when she's in close proximity to him. I am insecure enough to think that they might be having an affair. Or if that is not the case, then I'm worried and suspicious enough to think he has told her about his fantasies.
Things came to a head recently when we were all out together in a larger group of friends. From a distance during the evening I saw my boyfriend and best friend laughing and chatting and she put her hand on his knee and then pulled it away again quickly. Later on he asked her where she had got the jacket and complimented her on it. Of course she lapped it up. That evening, when we got back to his place, we slept together without having sex and I left before he even woke up.
I find myself snapping at him and feeling terrible about it later. And I haven't approached my friend about my suspicions either. She has a fiery temper, and I don't want to trigger it. I would also hate to lose her as a friend. And if I lost my boyfriend, I would be devastated. I haven't seen any signs since that would indicate they are having an affair and maybe my paranoia is misplaced. But I'm still insecure about my boyfriend and our future. Have I lost him?
Answer
I really do think it is profoundly unwise to ask about a lover's fantasies. It is equally unwise to answer if you are asked. Fantasies are just that, fantasy-land. They are an internal dialogue with ourselves, a mechanism for exploring the limits of our thinking, places we dare to go in our imagination precisely because it is in our imagination, and hence safe. They are not for sharing.
You can see that now. You are in possession of information you don't know how to handle. Because you are insecure, you're missing the fundamental point, namely that fantasies don't determine choices in the real world. Otherwise your boyfriend would only be with women who wear leather gear all the time. And he's not. He's with you.
You are also suggesting that your boyfriend, far from being perfect, is actually a guy who is not very nice. He tells you the fantasy about the leather gear. He also tells your best friend. Then he compliments her on the jacket, in front of you. If that were true, he'd be a very cruel man. In fact he'd be a sadist. Imagine playing games like that, deliberately taunting you. And imagine the nastiness of a so-called best friend who would go along with all that.
You can't have it both ways. You can't paint this man as wonderful and at the same time think he's having an affair with your friend, or playing nasty games with your emotional well-being, which is just as bad, if not worse, than actual infidelity. The two pictures don't fit. So you either accept that you have a 'great catch' to use that vulgar phrase, or you've landed yourself with someone who is full of vicious s***. Do you understand?
Low self-esteem is a double-whammy. We think little of ourselves, which is bad enough. But on top of that, from our lowly position way down on the status scale, we falsely elevate everyone else. Put plainly, your boyfriend may be a very nice guy, but he's not Mister Perfect. How do I know? It's simple. Nobody is. And I'm not being even remotely cynical. People just aren't perfect. That's their charm. Human frailty is what softens our hearts and allows love in. Anyway, think of what an old-fashioned father might have asked. What are your boyfriend's prospects? He's unemployed. How does he pay his way? Or could it be that your social life is very constrained because of his lack of money? In a future togetherness scenario would you be the sole breadwinner? No, I'm not being nasty either. Nor am I for one moment suggesting someone should be judged on the basis of their bank account, or employment status. I'm just saying that you're ignoring reality, which unquestionably has it draw-backs, because of your low self-esteem. So please don't tell all your friends to write me hate-mail. Oh and by the way, your best friend may look fantastic in her heavy metal leather jacket, but you do see, don't you, that wearing it all the time makes her dress-sense one-dimensional?
Low self-esteem is also self-sabotage. You are emotionally insecure because you can't quite believe that your boyfriend has chosen you. So what do you do? You get jealous, and then start to punish him. Yet you know that if you keep that up, you'll drive him away. Misplaced anger is a huge factor in low self-esteem. You shoot yourself in the foot, when really you should be systematically fighting whatever forces lead you to believe you were less than worthy. Why not quietly wander off to a counsellor and get help about handling that lack of self-worth? And stop fighting with your boyfriend.
I am a professionally employed woman in my mid-thirties and have been seeing my current boyfriend for the past six months. Beside his good points, the issue that's troubling me seems trivial. He is thoughtful, considerate, kind, generous and emotionally there for me - in short the kind of man most women dream about in vain. In fact my friends joke that I should tie him down permanently, but I'm not in any hurry to get married. Nor has he suggested anything, which is OK.
Although he is currently unemployed, he goes out of his way to treat me to a night out as often as he can, and if we have a night in at my house, he always brings wine or flowers or some small surprise. Well educated, he's a formidable debating opponent and offers a stimulating intellectual challenge. He also has a great sense of humour, which makes him fun to be around. He's good-looking, takes care of himself, and is an excellent and passionate lover. But although he constantly tells me he loves me, sex is at the root of the problem.
After making love one night recently I asked him what turns him on and he said his sexual fantasies are about women in leather gear, particularly those heavy motor-bike jackets. This would be no big deal except that my best friend has one, and always wears it when we're out as a group together. Given that she is currently single, extremely good-looking, and gets on really well with my boyfriend, I now feel deeply insecure when she's in close proximity to him. I am insecure enough to think that they might be having an affair. Or if that is not the case, then I'm worried and suspicious enough to think he has told her about his fantasies.
Things came to a head recently when we were all out together in a larger group of friends. From a distance during the evening I saw my boyfriend and best friend laughing and chatting and she put her hand on his knee and then pulled it away again quickly. Later on he asked her where she had got the jacket and complimented her on it. Of course she lapped it up. That evening, when we got back to his place, we slept together without having sex and I left before he even woke up.
I find myself snapping at him and feeling terrible about it later. And I haven't approached my friend about my suspicions either. She has a fiery temper, and I don't want to trigger it. I would also hate to lose her as a friend. And if I lost my boyfriend, I would be devastated. I haven't seen any signs since that would indicate they are having an affair and maybe my paranoia is misplaced. But I'm still insecure about my boyfriend and our future. Have I lost him?
Answer
I really do think it is profoundly unwise to ask about a lover's fantasies. It is equally unwise to answer if you are asked. Fantasies are just that, fantasy-land. They are an internal dialogue with ourselves, a mechanism for exploring the limits of our thinking, places we dare to go in our imagination precisely because it is in our imagination, and hence safe. They are not for sharing.
You can see that now. You are in possession of information you don't know how to handle. Because you are insecure, you're missing the fundamental point, namely that fantasies don't determine choices in the real world. Otherwise your boyfriend would only be with women who wear leather gear all the time. And he's not. He's with you.
You are also suggesting that your boyfriend, far from being perfect, is actually a guy who is not very nice. He tells you the fantasy about the leather gear. He also tells your best friend. Then he compliments her on the jacket, in front of you. If that were true, he'd be a very cruel man. In fact he'd be a sadist. Imagine playing games like that, deliberately taunting you. And imagine the nastiness of a so-called best friend who would go along with all that.
You can't have it both ways. You can't paint this man as wonderful and at the same time think he's having an affair with your friend, or playing nasty games with your emotional well-being, which is just as bad, if not worse, than actual infidelity. The two pictures don't fit. So you either accept that you have a 'great catch' to use that vulgar phrase, or you've landed yourself with someone who is full of vicious s***. Do you understand?
Low self-esteem is a double-whammy. We think little of ourselves, which is bad enough. But on top of that, from our lowly position way down on the status scale, we falsely elevate everyone else. Put plainly, your boyfriend may be a very nice guy, but he's not Mister Perfect. How do I know? It's simple. Nobody is. And I'm not being even remotely cynical. People just aren't perfect. That's their charm. Human frailty is what softens our hearts and allows love in. Anyway, think of what an old-fashioned father might have asked. What are your boyfriend's prospects? He's unemployed. How does he pay his way? Or could it be that your social life is very constrained because of his lack of money? In a future togetherness scenario would you be the sole breadwinner? No, I'm not being nasty either. Nor am I for one moment suggesting someone should be judged on the basis of their bank account, or employment status. I'm just saying that you're ignoring reality, which unquestionably has it draw-backs, because of your low self-esteem. So please don't tell all your friends to write me hate-mail. Oh and by the way, your best friend may look fantastic in her heavy metal leather jacket, but you do see, don't you, that wearing it all the time makes her dress-sense one-dimensional?
Low self-esteem is also self-sabotage. You are emotionally insecure because you can't quite believe that your boyfriend has chosen you. So what do you do? You get jealous, and then start to punish him. Yet you know that if you keep that up, you'll drive him away. Misplaced anger is a huge factor in low self-esteem. You shoot yourself in the foot, when really you should be systematically fighting whatever forces lead you to believe you were less than worthy. Why not quietly wander off to a counsellor and get help about handling that lack of self-worth? And stop fighting with your boyfriend.
Lover No Longer Wants Me
Question
I'm four years in a relationship and am broken-hearted. My partner and I live 30-odd miles apart. She lives with her children, while I live alone. We usually meet at weekends and speak very regularly on the phone. For the first couple of years she came to my house every weekend. We had a great time together, a meal out, long walks, shared bath, love and affection. She had had an unhappy marriage and was divorced long before I met her. I think at any time in those early years she would have married me. Unfortunately I was not ready. Silly of me, I put my work before her, often telling her not to phone me on certain days because I was too busy. And other times, I avoided spending the weekend with her, even though I had nothing else on. I only wish I could change that.
In latter years I began to go to her for weekends as the children needed more attention. I got on well with them. I also did a lot of housework, handy-man jobs, the garden, because I liked easing her workload. I also asked her to marry me, and while she said yes, she told no-one about it. We lead a quiet life as neither of us drank.
Last Christmas she went with work colleagues to a local hotel and was blown away by the crack and good time everyone was having. She had never done this previously, and couldn't wait to go again - which she did, quite a few times. I was not invited. Needless to say she was chatted up by lots of men and then asked out on a date. And then she said she wanted to end our relationship. We didn't see each other for three months.
We have seen more of each other lately, even went on holidays together, but it does not feel right. She says her date meant nothing. She also says she doesn't know what she wants anymore. I know that man she went on the date with is still in the background since they work together. The thought of her with another man is destroying me. I can't sleep, or work. I love her deeply and she knows that.
How long do I wait for her to decide? Am I being stupid to expect her back?
Answer
Maybe she would have married you back then. You did what you did, feeling it was right at the time. There's no point in now wishing you had done things differently. And there is no guarantee the marriage, if it had happened, would have gone smoothly. Your girlfriend has discovered there is a life beyond quiet togetherness. That might well have happened even if you were husband and wife.
If you love her, you wait, no time limit. What else would you be doing anyway? She has a quiet, steady man who loves her. And she knows it. She is now in a place of certainty. She also knows that at some stage she has to choose, and she will. That doesn't mean you have to put up with anything she dishes out. If she dates the other man again, or goes out with someone else, then of course the picture changes. Allowing her time to find her emotional feet does not mean you allow her to walk on you. She can't be careless about you either, breaking arrangements at the last minute for example, or expecting too much practical support in her home, or whatever. Respect has to be maintained, on both sides.
In all of this you won't be playing a waiting game. It's a time to try new things together, to see if you could have the kind of fun she found with her workmates, a chance to turn your life together into something exciting as well as quiet commitment. It's your chance to woo her. No hanging back this time. Fight for her.
I'm four years in a relationship and am broken-hearted. My partner and I live 30-odd miles apart. She lives with her children, while I live alone. We usually meet at weekends and speak very regularly on the phone. For the first couple of years she came to my house every weekend. We had a great time together, a meal out, long walks, shared bath, love and affection. She had had an unhappy marriage and was divorced long before I met her. I think at any time in those early years she would have married me. Unfortunately I was not ready. Silly of me, I put my work before her, often telling her not to phone me on certain days because I was too busy. And other times, I avoided spending the weekend with her, even though I had nothing else on. I only wish I could change that.
In latter years I began to go to her for weekends as the children needed more attention. I got on well with them. I also did a lot of housework, handy-man jobs, the garden, because I liked easing her workload. I also asked her to marry me, and while she said yes, she told no-one about it. We lead a quiet life as neither of us drank.
Last Christmas she went with work colleagues to a local hotel and was blown away by the crack and good time everyone was having. She had never done this previously, and couldn't wait to go again - which she did, quite a few times. I was not invited. Needless to say she was chatted up by lots of men and then asked out on a date. And then she said she wanted to end our relationship. We didn't see each other for three months.
We have seen more of each other lately, even went on holidays together, but it does not feel right. She says her date meant nothing. She also says she doesn't know what she wants anymore. I know that man she went on the date with is still in the background since they work together. The thought of her with another man is destroying me. I can't sleep, or work. I love her deeply and she knows that.
How long do I wait for her to decide? Am I being stupid to expect her back?
Answer
Maybe she would have married you back then. You did what you did, feeling it was right at the time. There's no point in now wishing you had done things differently. And there is no guarantee the marriage, if it had happened, would have gone smoothly. Your girlfriend has discovered there is a life beyond quiet togetherness. That might well have happened even if you were husband and wife.
If you love her, you wait, no time limit. What else would you be doing anyway? She has a quiet, steady man who loves her. And she knows it. She is now in a place of certainty. She also knows that at some stage she has to choose, and she will. That doesn't mean you have to put up with anything she dishes out. If she dates the other man again, or goes out with someone else, then of course the picture changes. Allowing her time to find her emotional feet does not mean you allow her to walk on you. She can't be careless about you either, breaking arrangements at the last minute for example, or expecting too much practical support in her home, or whatever. Respect has to be maintained, on both sides.
In all of this you won't be playing a waiting game. It's a time to try new things together, to see if you could have the kind of fun she found with her workmates, a chance to turn your life together into something exciting as well as quiet commitment. It's your chance to woo her. No hanging back this time. Fight for her.
Daughter In Depression
Question
It was with great pride we attended our daughter's graduation last year. Although very costly, since she studied abroad, we felt it was worth every penny as she is both intelligent and hard-working, and graduated with honours. She has plans for further study, and thankfully, good job prospects.
Since she returned home, however, I have become increasingly worried about her. She seems withdrawn and often depressed, sometimes sleeping all weekend. Many of her former school friends have moved on and it's like she no longer belongs in our town. She socialised and had friends while at university, but these, too, moved back into their own lives and she has already lost contact. Her younger brothers and sisters, in contrast, who still live at home have loads of friends, and the phone and mobiles never stop ringing. I understand how unsettling it must have been to leave as a teenager and return home a young adult. She is proud and will not confide in me. I don't feel comfortable raising the issue.
Do I accept this as a normal transition in life and leave her to find her own feet at her own pace? Or do you think there might be something more serious that needs to be tackled? It simply breaks my heart when I see her like this. And I sometimes wonder did we do the right thing for her, allowing her go off to college.
Answer
Have you asked yourself why you don't feel comfortable talking to your daughter about her obvious distress? Even though you clearly have some insight into how hard it might be for her? I know you say she's proud, but that honestly doesn't convey anything really. Do you call her proud because she doesn't ask for help? Or because she doesn't raise any issues with you? And why would that be pride rather than, say, helplessness?
Yes, I am challenging you, but not to be nasty. You're holding back from helping, and you need to examine the emotions which hinder you from doing the obvious, namely talking to your daughter, holding her close, telling her how precious she is. You are frozen, not by your daughter, but by your own heart and mind. You need to find out why, not just for your daughter's sake, but for your own. You are clearly a good person. What is stopping you from doing the good and kind and right thing, namely opening a clear channel of communication with your child?
Sitting on the outside, all I can do is paint a possible scenario. You must pick and choose, or dismiss it entirely, as you see fit, since you have the actual facts, and I have not.
Anger is the emotion most likely to pin a person down, particularly a good person like you, because inherent kindness prevents free expression of rage. So maybe you are angry. The cost of going to your daughter's graduation wasn't just financial. The big show about her success meant that you had invested a lot emotionally in her capacity to deliver - her ability to give you something to be proud of. And now? Now she's sleeping whole weekends away and has no friends. So where does that leave your pride, your hopes, your sense of achievement?
Disappointment, I've discovered, is perhaps the hardest feeling of all to handle. And while much is made of parental ambition in terms of money, career and social position, what we most want is that the children are happy - as measured in phones ringing, things to do, places to go, laughter, lots of good stories about the times they've had. Nothing taunts us like an unhappy child. And particularly a child for whom we've gone out on a limb, financially or otherwise. We sort of feel that they owe it to us to be happy. Otherwise we've failed, our efforts were in vain. We are deeply disappointed.
I know this is going to sound difficult. But what you need to do is separate yourself from your daughter. Try to think of her as someone you simply know well, and whose distress is apparent. Sure, you love her, but try and see her not as the product of your parenting, but as an independent human being, to whom you have unique access. In short, take yourself out of the equation - well, in as far as you can. To do that, of course, you need to search your soul, find the lines of attachment which have been thwarted by your daughter's unhappiness, and unhook them.
Or think about it this way. At the moment your daughter doesn't need a mother, with all the emotional baggage that automatically entails. She needs a friend. And what would a friend do?
It was with great pride we attended our daughter's graduation last year. Although very costly, since she studied abroad, we felt it was worth every penny as she is both intelligent and hard-working, and graduated with honours. She has plans for further study, and thankfully, good job prospects.
Since she returned home, however, I have become increasingly worried about her. She seems withdrawn and often depressed, sometimes sleeping all weekend. Many of her former school friends have moved on and it's like she no longer belongs in our town. She socialised and had friends while at university, but these, too, moved back into their own lives and she has already lost contact. Her younger brothers and sisters, in contrast, who still live at home have loads of friends, and the phone and mobiles never stop ringing. I understand how unsettling it must have been to leave as a teenager and return home a young adult. She is proud and will not confide in me. I don't feel comfortable raising the issue.
Do I accept this as a normal transition in life and leave her to find her own feet at her own pace? Or do you think there might be something more serious that needs to be tackled? It simply breaks my heart when I see her like this. And I sometimes wonder did we do the right thing for her, allowing her go off to college.
Answer
Have you asked yourself why you don't feel comfortable talking to your daughter about her obvious distress? Even though you clearly have some insight into how hard it might be for her? I know you say she's proud, but that honestly doesn't convey anything really. Do you call her proud because she doesn't ask for help? Or because she doesn't raise any issues with you? And why would that be pride rather than, say, helplessness?
Yes, I am challenging you, but not to be nasty. You're holding back from helping, and you need to examine the emotions which hinder you from doing the obvious, namely talking to your daughter, holding her close, telling her how precious she is. You are frozen, not by your daughter, but by your own heart and mind. You need to find out why, not just for your daughter's sake, but for your own. You are clearly a good person. What is stopping you from doing the good and kind and right thing, namely opening a clear channel of communication with your child?
Sitting on the outside, all I can do is paint a possible scenario. You must pick and choose, or dismiss it entirely, as you see fit, since you have the actual facts, and I have not.
Anger is the emotion most likely to pin a person down, particularly a good person like you, because inherent kindness prevents free expression of rage. So maybe you are angry. The cost of going to your daughter's graduation wasn't just financial. The big show about her success meant that you had invested a lot emotionally in her capacity to deliver - her ability to give you something to be proud of. And now? Now she's sleeping whole weekends away and has no friends. So where does that leave your pride, your hopes, your sense of achievement?
Disappointment, I've discovered, is perhaps the hardest feeling of all to handle. And while much is made of parental ambition in terms of money, career and social position, what we most want is that the children are happy - as measured in phones ringing, things to do, places to go, laughter, lots of good stories about the times they've had. Nothing taunts us like an unhappy child. And particularly a child for whom we've gone out on a limb, financially or otherwise. We sort of feel that they owe it to us to be happy. Otherwise we've failed, our efforts were in vain. We are deeply disappointed.
I know this is going to sound difficult. But what you need to do is separate yourself from your daughter. Try to think of her as someone you simply know well, and whose distress is apparent. Sure, you love her, but try and see her not as the product of your parenting, but as an independent human being, to whom you have unique access. In short, take yourself out of the equation - well, in as far as you can. To do that, of course, you need to search your soul, find the lines of attachment which have been thwarted by your daughter's unhappiness, and unhook them.
Or think about it this way. At the moment your daughter doesn't need a mother, with all the emotional baggage that automatically entails. She needs a friend. And what would a friend do?
My Boyfriend Has No Interest In Sex
Question
I'm 30 years old and have been with my boyfriend for two years. We have lived together for the past year. This is the most serious relationship I've had. And I very much want to get married and have a family. I know that if I was to end my current relationship, I may not be lucky enough to meet another partner while I'm still young enough to do that.. It took me so long to meet my current partner, my social circle is small, and I know that I'm not the most physically attractive woman around. So I don't want to break up with my boyfriend but I'm starting to worry that I'm setting myself up for a disappointing life.
He's intelligent, kind and funny. I love his company. I love him so very much, and feel secure that he loves me. However, he is not at all romantic. He doesn't make me feel special. He doesn't say or do anything to make me feel good about myself. I have to do all the housework, the cooking, the shopping, the gardening, and anything else that needs to be done. I work hard to be a good girlfriend and am always putting him first and trying to do little things to make his life happier. He doesn't even notice anymore.
The biggest disappointment to me is our sex life. His sex drive is almost non-existent. We only have sex about once a month, it's over very fast, and he makes little effort to satisfy me. I have stopped trying to initiate sex as he turns me down every time and the rejection hurts me deeply. I don't have great self-esteem and having to beg my boyfriend for sex doesn't help. I've talked to him about this but he just says he can't help that he doesn't feel like it and doesn't know what I expect him to do.
The final issue is marriage. He says we can get married down the line if it's really important to me, but he himself is indifferent. This makes me sad. I want to be proposed to by someone who loves me and wants to marry me. Otherwise there's no point.
I know I am to blame for many of our issues. I am not assertive and I find it hard to ask for, or demand, what I want in life. I never complain when I'm taken for granted, or stand up for myself when someone does me wrong.
I believe most of my problems stem from childhood. My dad is a very controlling man and I would endeavour to do whatever he wanted to avoid his disapproval and anger. I learned that it was not enough for me to just be who I am. I needed to earn his love. In every relationship I've had, I've behaved the same way. Then I feel hard done by because my efforts are taken for granted and I get nothing in return.
I don't know how to be any other way. I've spent my whole life trying to be the person others wanted me to be. Now I realise that I've never established a real personality and I haven't a clue who I am.
Answer
You do know how to do it differently. You just haven't had any practice, because you never tried. But I want you to think about something else first.
If you haven't a clue as to who you are, how can anyone else? If you only ever do what you think people want, then you're in hiding. You create a false persona. Worse, you become an instrument of other peoples wishes, rather than a real live human being. Obviously they like that, at some level anyway, but it also makes it impossible for them to even properly acknowledge your existence, let alone please you or love you. Instead, the inherent selfishness and narcissism that lurks in every human breast simply comes to the fore, and they ignore your needs.
I understand being scared about not being loved. What I'm trying to point out is that you are the one who is creating that situation. Yes, your father programmed you. Or rather you chose to behave that way because it seemed safer when you were small and vulnerable. And yes, you lack the skill of asserting yourself. But self-assertion, like any skill, has to be learned. You attempt it, wobble, attempt it again, wobble, and attempt it again until slowly, but surely, the world around you sees that you exist. Yes, of course I understand that the wobble is your terror of not being loved. And yes, your boyfriend could walk away, once you emerge as a real human being. But that will only happen if he is the wrong man for you.
Can you face the fear of changing? Can you see it's your best chance of being loved, either by your boyfriend, or by someone else? Would you consider getting some professional help as you take the first tentative steps out of hiding?
I'm 30 years old and have been with my boyfriend for two years. We have lived together for the past year. This is the most serious relationship I've had. And I very much want to get married and have a family. I know that if I was to end my current relationship, I may not be lucky enough to meet another partner while I'm still young enough to do that.. It took me so long to meet my current partner, my social circle is small, and I know that I'm not the most physically attractive woman around. So I don't want to break up with my boyfriend but I'm starting to worry that I'm setting myself up for a disappointing life.
He's intelligent, kind and funny. I love his company. I love him so very much, and feel secure that he loves me. However, he is not at all romantic. He doesn't make me feel special. He doesn't say or do anything to make me feel good about myself. I have to do all the housework, the cooking, the shopping, the gardening, and anything else that needs to be done. I work hard to be a good girlfriend and am always putting him first and trying to do little things to make his life happier. He doesn't even notice anymore.
The biggest disappointment to me is our sex life. His sex drive is almost non-existent. We only have sex about once a month, it's over very fast, and he makes little effort to satisfy me. I have stopped trying to initiate sex as he turns me down every time and the rejection hurts me deeply. I don't have great self-esteem and having to beg my boyfriend for sex doesn't help. I've talked to him about this but he just says he can't help that he doesn't feel like it and doesn't know what I expect him to do.
The final issue is marriage. He says we can get married down the line if it's really important to me, but he himself is indifferent. This makes me sad. I want to be proposed to by someone who loves me and wants to marry me. Otherwise there's no point.
I know I am to blame for many of our issues. I am not assertive and I find it hard to ask for, or demand, what I want in life. I never complain when I'm taken for granted, or stand up for myself when someone does me wrong.
I believe most of my problems stem from childhood. My dad is a very controlling man and I would endeavour to do whatever he wanted to avoid his disapproval and anger. I learned that it was not enough for me to just be who I am. I needed to earn his love. In every relationship I've had, I've behaved the same way. Then I feel hard done by because my efforts are taken for granted and I get nothing in return.
I don't know how to be any other way. I've spent my whole life trying to be the person others wanted me to be. Now I realise that I've never established a real personality and I haven't a clue who I am.
Answer
You do know how to do it differently. You just haven't had any practice, because you never tried. But I want you to think about something else first.
If you haven't a clue as to who you are, how can anyone else? If you only ever do what you think people want, then you're in hiding. You create a false persona. Worse, you become an instrument of other peoples wishes, rather than a real live human being. Obviously they like that, at some level anyway, but it also makes it impossible for them to even properly acknowledge your existence, let alone please you or love you. Instead, the inherent selfishness and narcissism that lurks in every human breast simply comes to the fore, and they ignore your needs.
I understand being scared about not being loved. What I'm trying to point out is that you are the one who is creating that situation. Yes, your father programmed you. Or rather you chose to behave that way because it seemed safer when you were small and vulnerable. And yes, you lack the skill of asserting yourself. But self-assertion, like any skill, has to be learned. You attempt it, wobble, attempt it again, wobble, and attempt it again until slowly, but surely, the world around you sees that you exist. Yes, of course I understand that the wobble is your terror of not being loved. And yes, your boyfriend could walk away, once you emerge as a real human being. But that will only happen if he is the wrong man for you.
Can you face the fear of changing? Can you see it's your best chance of being loved, either by your boyfriend, or by someone else? Would you consider getting some professional help as you take the first tentative steps out of hiding?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Still Attached To My Ex-Boyfriend
Question
I broke up with my boyfriend last autumn. We had only been together for six months. He had become very distant, continuing to do battle with an ex-girlfriend - the last in a long line of problematic relationships - and while I never believed he wanted her back, I felt that I wasn't his priority number one. He did nothing to reassure me. He is 40, very capable and very charming, and when he's warm, he's the most incredible guy in the world. We had a very intense physical relationship, had so many interests in common, shared similar work lives, and got on great with each others' friends. When he's cold, he turns into a monster.
Six weeks after we broke up, I felt that maybe I had thrown the towel in too easily, and felt more and more uneasy about my decision. We met up again, and I back-tracked, telling him I wanted things to work out, explaining how deeply I felt for him. He said he also had very strong feelings for me, but blamed me for giving up on him, and argued that we could have worked things out. Apparently, however, it was too late, as he had told all his friends we'd split, and this was a big deal. I was absolutely devastated.
We stayed in contact, started seeing each other again, quietly, and it was wonderful to begin with. When things are good, they are fantastic, but when things are not so good, he becomes emotionally cold - bitterly cold - and irritable and defensive. All attempts on my part to communicate were seen as pressure, and it became obvious he wasn't making any effort to re-integrate me into his life. Instead he started a silly row with me and said he wanted out. A few weeks later we were in contact again, met up, had a great time, and were extremely affectionate and close.
I'm 30 years old and don't know what to do. I really want to be with him, but feel I cannot have any kind of discussion with him about us as he will explode and run for the hills. He thinks we're great together when there's no stress, and I think it suits him not to commit too soon. I'm not sure why he's back in my life as I don't feel comfortable enough to ask, or to put my cards on the table. Communication, like I said, is not his forte. I love him so very much, and would go to the ends of the earth for him, but cannot take any more heartbreak.
Answer
This isn't a question of whether or not you can handle heartbreak. Sometimes life hands us heartbreak and we deal with it. You could do that. What's troubling you is the thought of choosing heartache, of deliberately going down a road you know leads to unhappiness, that wilfully blind behaviour we are all so good at, when it comes to sexual love. You know better, which is why you're so dogged with despair.
You met a great guy, fell in love, and then found out that he can be an emotional monster, to paraphrase your own words. Put more simply, you fell hook, line and sinker, and he remained somewhat remote. He was your priority number one, but you were not his. I don't think this had actually anything to do with his ex-girlfriend. His preoccupation with her sounds more like it has more to do with nursing a grievance than any residual desire. He was hung up on the past, angry at perceived injustice, and hence closed to real commitment. And it sounds like this was a pattern - his version undoubtedly being that he's been hard done-by several times over. After all, he's blaming you for not sticking it out, rather than examining his own behaviour.
This man is painfully self-absorbed. Look at what he's saying to you. He can't be open about you being together again because he told his friends the relationship was off. Even if that is not entirely true, he feels free to say it. That means he believes it's a logical position to hold. Losing face, in his book, is worse than losing you. And it's not that he doesn't communicate. He has no problem telling you how he feels. So it's not that you're left second-guessing. What he fails to do is listen. He doesn't want to know how you feel - about anything. And he certainly doesn't shift his ground, review his perspective, or moderate his responses on the basis of anything you have to say. He's profoundly emotionally deaf. In a very real sense you don't exist. Do you understand?
In the process, of course, he's totally controlling. He's running the relationship on his terms. You can either take it, or leave it. He certainly doesn't care enough to bend. And I feel pretty sure that it's nothing personal. This isn't about a failure to love you. It's about your boyfriend's inability to move outside his own emotional world.
Of course you'll make your own mind up - we all do. But can I say one thing. This man hasn't the capacity to see how fabulous you are, or how great you could be together. He's tied in a thousand emotional knots, created long before any girlfriends crossed his path. Perhaps he'll work on them, and change. You just need to understand that there's nothing you can do to make him change. I know, when he's good, he's gorgeous. But sometimes we have to walk away from gorgeous. Difficult. Think about it.
I broke up with my boyfriend last autumn. We had only been together for six months. He had become very distant, continuing to do battle with an ex-girlfriend - the last in a long line of problematic relationships - and while I never believed he wanted her back, I felt that I wasn't his priority number one. He did nothing to reassure me. He is 40, very capable and very charming, and when he's warm, he's the most incredible guy in the world. We had a very intense physical relationship, had so many interests in common, shared similar work lives, and got on great with each others' friends. When he's cold, he turns into a monster.
Six weeks after we broke up, I felt that maybe I had thrown the towel in too easily, and felt more and more uneasy about my decision. We met up again, and I back-tracked, telling him I wanted things to work out, explaining how deeply I felt for him. He said he also had very strong feelings for me, but blamed me for giving up on him, and argued that we could have worked things out. Apparently, however, it was too late, as he had told all his friends we'd split, and this was a big deal. I was absolutely devastated.
We stayed in contact, started seeing each other again, quietly, and it was wonderful to begin with. When things are good, they are fantastic, but when things are not so good, he becomes emotionally cold - bitterly cold - and irritable and defensive. All attempts on my part to communicate were seen as pressure, and it became obvious he wasn't making any effort to re-integrate me into his life. Instead he started a silly row with me and said he wanted out. A few weeks later we were in contact again, met up, had a great time, and were extremely affectionate and close.
I'm 30 years old and don't know what to do. I really want to be with him, but feel I cannot have any kind of discussion with him about us as he will explode and run for the hills. He thinks we're great together when there's no stress, and I think it suits him not to commit too soon. I'm not sure why he's back in my life as I don't feel comfortable enough to ask, or to put my cards on the table. Communication, like I said, is not his forte. I love him so very much, and would go to the ends of the earth for him, but cannot take any more heartbreak.
Answer
This isn't a question of whether or not you can handle heartbreak. Sometimes life hands us heartbreak and we deal with it. You could do that. What's troubling you is the thought of choosing heartache, of deliberately going down a road you know leads to unhappiness, that wilfully blind behaviour we are all so good at, when it comes to sexual love. You know better, which is why you're so dogged with despair.
You met a great guy, fell in love, and then found out that he can be an emotional monster, to paraphrase your own words. Put more simply, you fell hook, line and sinker, and he remained somewhat remote. He was your priority number one, but you were not his. I don't think this had actually anything to do with his ex-girlfriend. His preoccupation with her sounds more like it has more to do with nursing a grievance than any residual desire. He was hung up on the past, angry at perceived injustice, and hence closed to real commitment. And it sounds like this was a pattern - his version undoubtedly being that he's been hard done-by several times over. After all, he's blaming you for not sticking it out, rather than examining his own behaviour.
This man is painfully self-absorbed. Look at what he's saying to you. He can't be open about you being together again because he told his friends the relationship was off. Even if that is not entirely true, he feels free to say it. That means he believes it's a logical position to hold. Losing face, in his book, is worse than losing you. And it's not that he doesn't communicate. He has no problem telling you how he feels. So it's not that you're left second-guessing. What he fails to do is listen. He doesn't want to know how you feel - about anything. And he certainly doesn't shift his ground, review his perspective, or moderate his responses on the basis of anything you have to say. He's profoundly emotionally deaf. In a very real sense you don't exist. Do you understand?
In the process, of course, he's totally controlling. He's running the relationship on his terms. You can either take it, or leave it. He certainly doesn't care enough to bend. And I feel pretty sure that it's nothing personal. This isn't about a failure to love you. It's about your boyfriend's inability to move outside his own emotional world.
Of course you'll make your own mind up - we all do. But can I say one thing. This man hasn't the capacity to see how fabulous you are, or how great you could be together. He's tied in a thousand emotional knots, created long before any girlfriends crossed his path. Perhaps he'll work on them, and change. You just need to understand that there's nothing you can do to make him change. I know, when he's good, he's gorgeous. But sometimes we have to walk away from gorgeous. Difficult. Think about it.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I Miss The Boyfriend I Ditched
Question I'm in my late twenties and broke up with my boyfriend over a year ago. We had been together nearly two years. My instincts told me it wasn't right, although there was nothing I could put my finger on exactly. He's lovely, intelligent, decent, and overall a great person. We got on well, but I just felt that something was lacking. It didn't feel right. I thought about him and missed him through the year while the relationship was off. I think that's normal, if the person is good, nice and sound, which he is.
We recently tried getting back together but I didn't put in much effort. The same instinct resurfaced - the voice in my head! And it was as though a fog had come down on me, like a weight - which is how I felt when I broke it off originally. So I knew almost from the beginning of our reunion that I was going to end it again. I know that wasn't fair on him, but I had to give it a go, although I didn't try nearly as hard as he did. I think I did the fair thing ending it again, because he wasn't getting the treatment he deserved. But I miss him, just like I did for the year we were apart, and I think there is something wrong with me. He's brilliant and there's no logical reason why it shouldn't work.
I'm a very active person and like to do as much as possible. I wonder if that's part of the problem. I feel I'm not ready to restrict what I do just because I have to consider someone else - not that he would have stopped me, but you have to think of the other person in a relationship. I don't believe there is just one person, and one alone, for everyone in life. I'm a happy person and don't expect someone else to make me happy. But I hope there's someone out there who would just suit me and whom I would suit too. Or do you have to change who you are to suit someone?
Is it about making a decision to stay with someone, rather than really wanting to stay with them? I have lots of friends who are in happy relationships and who genuinely seem to be there because they want to be, and not just because they've chosen to be, as in doing some kind of project. I know couples can have difficult times, but surely it's possible to be happy with someone, without that voice in your head telling you it's wrong.
Do you make someone right for you, or are they just right for you without effort?
Answer
Stop exhausting yourself. If a fog descended when you were with this guy, then he's not the right one for you. Full stop. I'm sure he is a great person. Rightly, or wrongly, that's not enough. Some people just stifle us, put the brakes on when we try to undertake things, rob us of our life force - and it's not their fault, or lack of love even on their part. People call it a personality clash. Actually I think it's intellectual incompatibility. It's about enthusiasm, the mind soaring, thinking up new ideas, grasping opportunities, being on the go in your mind as much as on the ground.
Of course you miss him. You weren't with him because you're desperately needy, or unable to be on your own, or scared that you'll never find someone else. You were with him for good reasons - all the good things about him, not least the fact that he obviously loves you. But you do need to be clear about one thing. You didn't break it off - either the first or second time - for his sake, because he deserved better. You did it for your own sake. Given he's such a nice guy, you must have had good reason. Respect that.
All relationships require compromise. That doesn't mean total self-sacrifice. Instead it means that we cherish the time, or the activities, that we carve out for ourselves, precisely because we had to choose them, negotiate with our partner about them, make them happen. Going the road a partner wishes to tread can also lead to exciting new places, or very different new experiences. In your case, happily following someone you love might lead you to a new appreciation of tranquillity, stillness, occupying the moment. None of it involves a deadening fog. It's not a tiresome project. Forging togetherness is an exciting challenge.
Nobody is entirely right for us. How could they be? But it's not, as you suggest, a question of making someone right for us - which would imply that we distort our real selves, or worse, attempt to change someone else, or worst of all, pretend things are different than they really are. It's about accepting that no husband, or wife, can meet all our needs. Some of those needs will remain unfulfilled, many will be filled by friends, family, children, work, and casual acquaintances who cross our path from time to time and touch a cornerstone of our true selves.
We recently tried getting back together but I didn't put in much effort. The same instinct resurfaced - the voice in my head! And it was as though a fog had come down on me, like a weight - which is how I felt when I broke it off originally. So I knew almost from the beginning of our reunion that I was going to end it again. I know that wasn't fair on him, but I had to give it a go, although I didn't try nearly as hard as he did. I think I did the fair thing ending it again, because he wasn't getting the treatment he deserved. But I miss him, just like I did for the year we were apart, and I think there is something wrong with me. He's brilliant and there's no logical reason why it shouldn't work.
I'm a very active person and like to do as much as possible. I wonder if that's part of the problem. I feel I'm not ready to restrict what I do just because I have to consider someone else - not that he would have stopped me, but you have to think of the other person in a relationship. I don't believe there is just one person, and one alone, for everyone in life. I'm a happy person and don't expect someone else to make me happy. But I hope there's someone out there who would just suit me and whom I would suit too. Or do you have to change who you are to suit someone?
Is it about making a decision to stay with someone, rather than really wanting to stay with them? I have lots of friends who are in happy relationships and who genuinely seem to be there because they want to be, and not just because they've chosen to be, as in doing some kind of project. I know couples can have difficult times, but surely it's possible to be happy with someone, without that voice in your head telling you it's wrong.
Do you make someone right for you, or are they just right for you without effort?
Answer
Stop exhausting yourself. If a fog descended when you were with this guy, then he's not the right one for you. Full stop. I'm sure he is a great person. Rightly, or wrongly, that's not enough. Some people just stifle us, put the brakes on when we try to undertake things, rob us of our life force - and it's not their fault, or lack of love even on their part. People call it a personality clash. Actually I think it's intellectual incompatibility. It's about enthusiasm, the mind soaring, thinking up new ideas, grasping opportunities, being on the go in your mind as much as on the ground.
Of course you miss him. You weren't with him because you're desperately needy, or unable to be on your own, or scared that you'll never find someone else. You were with him for good reasons - all the good things about him, not least the fact that he obviously loves you. But you do need to be clear about one thing. You didn't break it off - either the first or second time - for his sake, because he deserved better. You did it for your own sake. Given he's such a nice guy, you must have had good reason. Respect that.
All relationships require compromise. That doesn't mean total self-sacrifice. Instead it means that we cherish the time, or the activities, that we carve out for ourselves, precisely because we had to choose them, negotiate with our partner about them, make them happen. Going the road a partner wishes to tread can also lead to exciting new places, or very different new experiences. In your case, happily following someone you love might lead you to a new appreciation of tranquillity, stillness, occupying the moment. None of it involves a deadening fog. It's not a tiresome project. Forging togetherness is an exciting challenge.
Nobody is entirely right for us. How could they be? But it's not, as you suggest, a question of making someone right for us - which would imply that we distort our real selves, or worse, attempt to change someone else, or worst of all, pretend things are different than they really are. It's about accepting that no husband, or wife, can meet all our needs. Some of those needs will remain unfulfilled, many will be filled by friends, family, children, work, and casual acquaintances who cross our path from time to time and touch a cornerstone of our true selves.
I Seem To Be Sex-Mad
Question
I have a weird relationship issue. In a nutshell, I had my first boyfriend at 15, had sex two days after I turned 16, have been in and out of relationships, some of which lasted for over five years, and am now 34 years old.
Of all my relationships, half of them were with married men. And I never reached the point with any of these men where I wanted the person concerned to leave his wife for me. Having affairs with married men doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I kind of prefer to see married men because chances of real intimacy are low. I've also been married once, but within one month of the marriage I realised that I didn't know him at all and wasn't in love with him. It took over three years to get out of that.
I am in a steady relationship with a guy for three years now. He has been waiting for a long time for me to set a wedding date. In the meantime, I'm hooking up with another guy who lives in my neighbourhood, and recently had a one-night stand - two nights actually - with someone I met at a work-related function. And let me not go down the road of the 'potential' men I want to hook up with, just because I can.
Is everyone like this? When will I become sensible and want to settle down? Do I have a commitment phobia?
Answer
I don't like that expression. Saying someone has a commitment phobia is meaningless, a trendy catch-phrase which only serves to obscure issues, rather than explain them. You've told me yourself what's going on. You are avoiding real emotional intimacy - which is why, as you said yourself, you liked those married men. You are also flourishing in a world which now allows people to speak of real immorality as if it were great fun, the thing to do, acceptable. You're boasting, not so much about your conquests, but about your lack of inhibition. Your questions aren't honest. You know everyone doesn't behave as you do - that's the whole point. You know it's not about being sensible and settling down, which you not-so-secretly scoff at anyway. You're on a high.
Even when we're soaring above the stratosphere, a part of us remains concerned about the inevitable bumpy landing, a voice in the back of our heads wondering when we'll fall to earth, fear lurking at the corner of our consciousness. You didn't write to me to boast. You wrote to me because your behaviour worries you. And so it should.
Happiness doesn't lie in being able to take every man in sight. Happiness lies in being able to handle our own needs, to be in charge of them, rather than being a slave to them. Without that capacity, we cannot be close to another human being, because we use others to feed our need, rather than loving them for themselves. Much is made to-day of sexual addiction. It's no different than any other addiction - except that the permissive society allows open promiscuity, the way it once only allowed vast alcohol consumption. You are chasing men not just because you can. You are chasing them because you can't do without it. You are not powerful. You are powerless.
The weakness found at the heart of all addiction is an emotional incapacity for self consolation. The addict is crippled by his inability to handle the inevitable isolation of being an individual human being, separate from everyone else, ultimately alone, inevitably frustrated, as we all are. He has a hole at the centre of his being, which he finds hard to handle. So he deadens the pain, with alcohol, sex, drugs, excessive work. This weakness lies in an incomplete learning process during childhood, where the child fails to move from dependence to independence at a rate he can handle. And of course 'he' stands for human-kind. It applies to you too.
We can, of course, complete that learning process in adulthood. But it's hard work. And we need help. Go check it out.
I have a weird relationship issue. In a nutshell, I had my first boyfriend at 15, had sex two days after I turned 16, have been in and out of relationships, some of which lasted for over five years, and am now 34 years old.
Of all my relationships, half of them were with married men. And I never reached the point with any of these men where I wanted the person concerned to leave his wife for me. Having affairs with married men doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I kind of prefer to see married men because chances of real intimacy are low. I've also been married once, but within one month of the marriage I realised that I didn't know him at all and wasn't in love with him. It took over three years to get out of that.
I am in a steady relationship with a guy for three years now. He has been waiting for a long time for me to set a wedding date. In the meantime, I'm hooking up with another guy who lives in my neighbourhood, and recently had a one-night stand - two nights actually - with someone I met at a work-related function. And let me not go down the road of the 'potential' men I want to hook up with, just because I can.
Is everyone like this? When will I become sensible and want to settle down? Do I have a commitment phobia?
Answer
I don't like that expression. Saying someone has a commitment phobia is meaningless, a trendy catch-phrase which only serves to obscure issues, rather than explain them. You've told me yourself what's going on. You are avoiding real emotional intimacy - which is why, as you said yourself, you liked those married men. You are also flourishing in a world which now allows people to speak of real immorality as if it were great fun, the thing to do, acceptable. You're boasting, not so much about your conquests, but about your lack of inhibition. Your questions aren't honest. You know everyone doesn't behave as you do - that's the whole point. You know it's not about being sensible and settling down, which you not-so-secretly scoff at anyway. You're on a high.
Even when we're soaring above the stratosphere, a part of us remains concerned about the inevitable bumpy landing, a voice in the back of our heads wondering when we'll fall to earth, fear lurking at the corner of our consciousness. You didn't write to me to boast. You wrote to me because your behaviour worries you. And so it should.
Happiness doesn't lie in being able to take every man in sight. Happiness lies in being able to handle our own needs, to be in charge of them, rather than being a slave to them. Without that capacity, we cannot be close to another human being, because we use others to feed our need, rather than loving them for themselves. Much is made to-day of sexual addiction. It's no different than any other addiction - except that the permissive society allows open promiscuity, the way it once only allowed vast alcohol consumption. You are chasing men not just because you can. You are chasing them because you can't do without it. You are not powerful. You are powerless.
The weakness found at the heart of all addiction is an emotional incapacity for self consolation. The addict is crippled by his inability to handle the inevitable isolation of being an individual human being, separate from everyone else, ultimately alone, inevitably frustrated, as we all are. He has a hole at the centre of his being, which he finds hard to handle. So he deadens the pain, with alcohol, sex, drugs, excessive work. This weakness lies in an incomplete learning process during childhood, where the child fails to move from dependence to independence at a rate he can handle. And of course 'he' stands for human-kind. It applies to you too.
We can, of course, complete that learning process in adulthood. But it's hard work. And we need help. Go check it out.
I No Longer Love My Boyfriend
Question
I've been going out with my boyfriend for the past 8 years. I've always thought that he was the one, but lately I've become less sure. This time last year I was hoping he'd pop the question. Now I'm praying that he won't.
I'm losing respect for him. Everything he does seems to annoy me. We met in university and I've always wanted to travel. He has always said he wanted the same thing, but the years have passed and it's still not the right time for him. I can't see that changing. His career has been very stop start and he's never had a job he's been happy in. He is also in quite a bit of debt. I'm bored and frustrated. I try to make plans with him but he never commits. Instead he prioritises getting the perfect job and leaves everything else up to me.
I know I'm the worst person for over-analysing situations and for wanting everything to be perfect. My boyfriend is kind and caring and I know he loves me very much. I also know that if both of us had the money, we'd already be married. I just can't understand how my feelings for him have been turned on their head after so many years together. I'm also afraid that if I walked away, I would regret it hugely. My terror is that I'd still find myself bored and frustrated, as well as alone.
Answer
Look at what's happening to you. You have dreams, none of which have been tried or tested. Instead, you're sitting around feeling bored and frustrated. Worse, you have your boyfriend to blame. That's not a good place to be. It's not good for your relationship either. And it's happening because you've tied yourself into an unnecessarily tight relationship knot.
It doesn't matter what your boyfriend actually says – like wanting to travel. His priority, as you point out yourself, is finding the right job. I don't see that as a reason for you losing respect for him. The reality is that he's sticking to his guns – and you're not. You want to travel, but you're allowing that slide. Why? Why can't you link up with a couple of other women, or some other group, and do your travelling? Yes, I understand that you'd like to do it as a couple. But your boyfriend is not less a man for saying no, for having a different agenda.
The fact that you have a long-term boyfriend doesn't mean you are tied to his apron strings. It's down to you to live out your dream. It may be magic. And it may be a lot less than you had imagined. That doesn't matter. What matters is that you take charge of your life, take responsibility for your own happiness, test the water with your own ten toes. Nothing ruins a relationship like one person blaming the other for dreams that were never delivered on. You can see that yourself. You are disillusioned with your boyfriend, and why? Because you are refusing to be independent. Instead, you're sitting around waiting for him to make it happen. That's not very wise is it?
Our frustration is always our own. Your boyfriend is not frustrating you. You are frustrating yourself by failing to fulfil your own ambition. Go try the dream. The independence, clarity, and insight you'll achieve while doing that will only enrich your relationship, not least because you will have learned to take responsibility for your own destiny.
I've been going out with my boyfriend for the past 8 years. I've always thought that he was the one, but lately I've become less sure. This time last year I was hoping he'd pop the question. Now I'm praying that he won't.
I'm losing respect for him. Everything he does seems to annoy me. We met in university and I've always wanted to travel. He has always said he wanted the same thing, but the years have passed and it's still not the right time for him. I can't see that changing. His career has been very stop start and he's never had a job he's been happy in. He is also in quite a bit of debt. I'm bored and frustrated. I try to make plans with him but he never commits. Instead he prioritises getting the perfect job and leaves everything else up to me.
I know I'm the worst person for over-analysing situations and for wanting everything to be perfect. My boyfriend is kind and caring and I know he loves me very much. I also know that if both of us had the money, we'd already be married. I just can't understand how my feelings for him have been turned on their head after so many years together. I'm also afraid that if I walked away, I would regret it hugely. My terror is that I'd still find myself bored and frustrated, as well as alone.
Answer
Look at what's happening to you. You have dreams, none of which have been tried or tested. Instead, you're sitting around feeling bored and frustrated. Worse, you have your boyfriend to blame. That's not a good place to be. It's not good for your relationship either. And it's happening because you've tied yourself into an unnecessarily tight relationship knot.
It doesn't matter what your boyfriend actually says – like wanting to travel. His priority, as you point out yourself, is finding the right job. I don't see that as a reason for you losing respect for him. The reality is that he's sticking to his guns – and you're not. You want to travel, but you're allowing that slide. Why? Why can't you link up with a couple of other women, or some other group, and do your travelling? Yes, I understand that you'd like to do it as a couple. But your boyfriend is not less a man for saying no, for having a different agenda.
The fact that you have a long-term boyfriend doesn't mean you are tied to his apron strings. It's down to you to live out your dream. It may be magic. And it may be a lot less than you had imagined. That doesn't matter. What matters is that you take charge of your life, take responsibility for your own happiness, test the water with your own ten toes. Nothing ruins a relationship like one person blaming the other for dreams that were never delivered on. You can see that yourself. You are disillusioned with your boyfriend, and why? Because you are refusing to be independent. Instead, you're sitting around waiting for him to make it happen. That's not very wise is it?
Our frustration is always our own. Your boyfriend is not frustrating you. You are frustrating yourself by failing to fulfil your own ambition. Go try the dream. The independence, clarity, and insight you'll achieve while doing that will only enrich your relationship, not least because you will have learned to take responsibility for your own destiny.
My Website Lover Has Another Woman
Question
A year ago I met a man on a dating website. We met up, had a drink, and got on extremely well. We've been dating since. A year down the line and I've just found out that he'd already been in a long-distance three year relationship with another woman when he met me. He had told me he was single. Since we got together, he has seen his other partner about nine times and gone on a week-long holiday with her. He then told her he had to go overseas, and shared his life with me. During this time, he regularly emailed his partner, telling her he loved her and missed her but was unable to get home. Given the nature of his job, this would have seemed normal to her.
Effectively he's been living a double life. I have spoken to his partner and she is devastated. As for me, I had my suspicions throughout, but chose to ignore them. It seems he has a pattern of moving on to the next woman before finishing it completely with his current partner. I know this because he lied to the other woman too when he met her, simply saying he was divorced several years, when in fact he'd had another long-term relationship which wasn't quite over.
I am very confused. This man is loving, kind, helpful, and has always been good to me - apart from these awful lies. When I confronted him, he said he had no answers. He cannot say why he continued to lead us both on, why he did not end it with the woman he'd been seeing for three years. Nor has he any answer as to what he planned to do had he not been found out.
I love him, but I'm not sure I can ever trust him again. I am dumbfounded at his behaviour. It's almost like bigamy, but it's not. I feel like the 'other woman' here. I'm still with him, but still very hurt. He says he loves me. But he continued to tell the other woman that he loved her and missed her. So how can I believe him?
Answer
Well of course you can't. Or rather you can, provided you understand that loving, for him, means something different. It's not a promise of togetherness for a life-time. It's not a promise of exclusivity, or sexual or emotional faithfulness. Love, for him, is what he gives you - and you've listed it out - being loving, kind, helpful, which I'm sure includes being affectionate and thoughtful and concerned on a daily basis about your welfare. That's the deal. He's good to you. Full stop.
I think you can trust him to be all that, do all that. You just can't ever know when it will end. Nor can you presume that you and this other woman are the whole story, even as we speak. Maybe there's someone else already in the pipe-line. That's his form. It would be foolish to believe that with you it will be different, that he'll change. He's given you no reason to think that. After all, he didn't turn over a new leaf when he met you now did he?
You must also face the fact that he's putting it up to you in a big way. He has nothing to say. He has no explanations. He makes no promises. He gives no reassurance. The message is clear as a bell. In that much he is absolutely honest. You can take it or leave it. Throw him out if you wish. Keep him if you wish - that is, until he decides to move on himself. It's solely down to you. There's no mystery. You just have to decide whether or not you can settle for what's on offer.
A year ago I met a man on a dating website. We met up, had a drink, and got on extremely well. We've been dating since. A year down the line and I've just found out that he'd already been in a long-distance three year relationship with another woman when he met me. He had told me he was single. Since we got together, he has seen his other partner about nine times and gone on a week-long holiday with her. He then told her he had to go overseas, and shared his life with me. During this time, he regularly emailed his partner, telling her he loved her and missed her but was unable to get home. Given the nature of his job, this would have seemed normal to her.
Effectively he's been living a double life. I have spoken to his partner and she is devastated. As for me, I had my suspicions throughout, but chose to ignore them. It seems he has a pattern of moving on to the next woman before finishing it completely with his current partner. I know this because he lied to the other woman too when he met her, simply saying he was divorced several years, when in fact he'd had another long-term relationship which wasn't quite over.
I am very confused. This man is loving, kind, helpful, and has always been good to me - apart from these awful lies. When I confronted him, he said he had no answers. He cannot say why he continued to lead us both on, why he did not end it with the woman he'd been seeing for three years. Nor has he any answer as to what he planned to do had he not been found out.
I love him, but I'm not sure I can ever trust him again. I am dumbfounded at his behaviour. It's almost like bigamy, but it's not. I feel like the 'other woman' here. I'm still with him, but still very hurt. He says he loves me. But he continued to tell the other woman that he loved her and missed her. So how can I believe him?
Answer
Well of course you can't. Or rather you can, provided you understand that loving, for him, means something different. It's not a promise of togetherness for a life-time. It's not a promise of exclusivity, or sexual or emotional faithfulness. Love, for him, is what he gives you - and you've listed it out - being loving, kind, helpful, which I'm sure includes being affectionate and thoughtful and concerned on a daily basis about your welfare. That's the deal. He's good to you. Full stop.
I think you can trust him to be all that, do all that. You just can't ever know when it will end. Nor can you presume that you and this other woman are the whole story, even as we speak. Maybe there's someone else already in the pipe-line. That's his form. It would be foolish to believe that with you it will be different, that he'll change. He's given you no reason to think that. After all, he didn't turn over a new leaf when he met you now did he?
You must also face the fact that he's putting it up to you in a big way. He has nothing to say. He has no explanations. He makes no promises. He gives no reassurance. The message is clear as a bell. In that much he is absolutely honest. You can take it or leave it. Throw him out if you wish. Keep him if you wish - that is, until he decides to move on himself. It's solely down to you. There's no mystery. You just have to decide whether or not you can settle for what's on offer.
My Ex Boss Is Messing With Me
Question
I'm 40 years old. Fifteen years ago my then boss told me he had feelings for me. Although I liked him, I didn't get involved. He was married with a young family and it wasn't the future I wanted for myself. We got over this and became great friends, although every now and again he'd make a joking reference to us being soul-mates, teasing me that my relationships with other men didn't work out because I needed to find someone like him. I subsequently changed jobs, and went abroad, but we remained close.
Early last year he rang to say that he had left home and was separating from his wife and he wanted us to meet. He flew over, and we had a wonderful long weekend together. I know it was wrong, but I started to feel that we might have a future. On the last day he told me he was confused about what was coming next and didn't want a relationship. I said I understood and would give him space and then cried my eyes out on the plane back home. With hindsight, that's probably when I should have cut my losses and cut contact.
I didn't and he rang me regularly. He also suggested several further trips which never came off, always because he somehow couldn't make it. I've just got another email cancelling another weekend together. Only this time it wasn't a flu or a last-minute work commitment. He's just told me that things had changed, that he was confused, and didn't want either of us to end up hurt. When I pursued the issue, he admitted that he was in a fairly important relationship for the past four months.
I feel angry and hurt that I allowed him to treat me like a one-night stand. It eats me up to think that he was already in another relationship when he suggested this latest weekend together, probably a case of hedging his bets in case it didn't work out with the new woman in his life. Most of all, it kills me to think I could be such a poor judge of character. I've been hurt before and now always try to protect myself from pain. He was the last person I expected to reject me, to hurt me like this.
I've cut off all contact with him, telling him we needed a long break from each other, and saying that I'll ring him when I'm ready. I'm not sure that time will ever come. I feel so angry, bitter and disappointed. I even wonder if our friendship had any basis at all, if he ever cared for me at all. I can't see any hope of salvaging a friendship, which is what he says he wants. Am I hopelessly naïve? I feel such a fool for being taken in by the attention, for getting my hopes up. How do I get through this and out the other side?
Answer
People on their way out of marriages are a complete mess. Most of them don't mean to be. They just are. Which means that you are invariably the nicotine patch for their emotional withdrawal, a buffer against the fear and guilt and disappointment of a failed endeavour, a safe haven in the psychological storm. Sometimes you do become the next wife or husband. Often you end up being little more than the place he parks his emotional baggage. Or she, for women work out their hurt in similar style.
In your case there was more. I can't say if he was your friend. I do think you were a symbol of the temptation he felt to leave his marriage. I'm not saying he played with you deliberately, as in being nasty and mean and calculating. I do think, however unconsciously, he kept you hooked. Friendships are complicated, and not just between the sexes. Ultimately, of course, it was down to you. This man is not responsible for your fate. You are.
How many broken arrangements does it take before you say stop? You've allowed this man to mess with you. My guess is that you do that with everyone - or at least with every boyfriend. Which would explain why you get so hurt and feel so vulnerable and retreat into unrealistic hope. You're right, of course. You should have walked away after that first weekend when he told you straight that he didn't want commitment. The friendship made it complicated. It was low self-esteem that allowed it to happen.
We can cry, forever, for the things we got wrong - there are just so many, it's easy to get stuck in sadness. Or we can painstakingly pick over the pieces of past mistakes, learn whatever lesson we need to learn, and catch happiness by the tail. You are a good, honourable, competent and kind woman. You are not a coward. Go use your courage to work out why you value yourself so little. Then change.
I'm 40 years old. Fifteen years ago my then boss told me he had feelings for me. Although I liked him, I didn't get involved. He was married with a young family and it wasn't the future I wanted for myself. We got over this and became great friends, although every now and again he'd make a joking reference to us being soul-mates, teasing me that my relationships with other men didn't work out because I needed to find someone like him. I subsequently changed jobs, and went abroad, but we remained close.
Early last year he rang to say that he had left home and was separating from his wife and he wanted us to meet. He flew over, and we had a wonderful long weekend together. I know it was wrong, but I started to feel that we might have a future. On the last day he told me he was confused about what was coming next and didn't want a relationship. I said I understood and would give him space and then cried my eyes out on the plane back home. With hindsight, that's probably when I should have cut my losses and cut contact.
I didn't and he rang me regularly. He also suggested several further trips which never came off, always because he somehow couldn't make it. I've just got another email cancelling another weekend together. Only this time it wasn't a flu or a last-minute work commitment. He's just told me that things had changed, that he was confused, and didn't want either of us to end up hurt. When I pursued the issue, he admitted that he was in a fairly important relationship for the past four months.
I feel angry and hurt that I allowed him to treat me like a one-night stand. It eats me up to think that he was already in another relationship when he suggested this latest weekend together, probably a case of hedging his bets in case it didn't work out with the new woman in his life. Most of all, it kills me to think I could be such a poor judge of character. I've been hurt before and now always try to protect myself from pain. He was the last person I expected to reject me, to hurt me like this.
I've cut off all contact with him, telling him we needed a long break from each other, and saying that I'll ring him when I'm ready. I'm not sure that time will ever come. I feel so angry, bitter and disappointed. I even wonder if our friendship had any basis at all, if he ever cared for me at all. I can't see any hope of salvaging a friendship, which is what he says he wants. Am I hopelessly naïve? I feel such a fool for being taken in by the attention, for getting my hopes up. How do I get through this and out the other side?
Answer
People on their way out of marriages are a complete mess. Most of them don't mean to be. They just are. Which means that you are invariably the nicotine patch for their emotional withdrawal, a buffer against the fear and guilt and disappointment of a failed endeavour, a safe haven in the psychological storm. Sometimes you do become the next wife or husband. Often you end up being little more than the place he parks his emotional baggage. Or she, for women work out their hurt in similar style.
In your case there was more. I can't say if he was your friend. I do think you were a symbol of the temptation he felt to leave his marriage. I'm not saying he played with you deliberately, as in being nasty and mean and calculating. I do think, however unconsciously, he kept you hooked. Friendships are complicated, and not just between the sexes. Ultimately, of course, it was down to you. This man is not responsible for your fate. You are.
How many broken arrangements does it take before you say stop? You've allowed this man to mess with you. My guess is that you do that with everyone - or at least with every boyfriend. Which would explain why you get so hurt and feel so vulnerable and retreat into unrealistic hope. You're right, of course. You should have walked away after that first weekend when he told you straight that he didn't want commitment. The friendship made it complicated. It was low self-esteem that allowed it to happen.
We can cry, forever, for the things we got wrong - there are just so many, it's easy to get stuck in sadness. Or we can painstakingly pick over the pieces of past mistakes, learn whatever lesson we need to learn, and catch happiness by the tail. You are a good, honourable, competent and kind woman. You are not a coward. Go use your courage to work out why you value yourself so little. Then change.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
My Husband Had An Affair
28th February, 2010
Question
I really don't know why I'm writing, as it is already too late for me.
I've been married for nearly 30 years to a lovely man, we have three fantastic children, one of whom, our son, is getting married at the end of the year. We have a very nice life-style, to which I have always contributed as my career was always successful.
I recently discovered that my husband has been having an affair with a woman almost young enough to be his daughter. I had noticed that he was getting a lot of text messages, and then staying away a lot even at weekends, which he had never done before. So I started searching, and what a can of worms I opened. He has been living it up, staying in hotels and even bringing her home to our house while I was away. This really upset me, the thought of somebody else in my bed. It particularly hurt me that he was spending money on this woman that I had worked so hard to earn.
Our family has been destroyed. The children no longer want to know their dad and my son won't even have him at his wedding. So you can imagine the state of our household at the moment. I now totally blame myself for ever letting the children know, because my husband has lost them, which breaks his heart. Why on earth do middle-aged men in mid-life crisis fail to think of the consequences when they start a relationship with some gold-digging young woman?
Answer
I don't know if you've noticed, but you still love your husband. Maybe it's not enough to see your marriage safely through this crisis, but don't ignore it. It's not clear how recent these revelations are. You do sound like you're in the first phase of severe emotional disorientation. Whether that is true or not, I still think you should listen to what you've just written me.
It's not too late to mend fences on the children front. We make mistakes when we're angry and anguished, few of which are so awful that they can't be fixed. No, it's not wise to involve sons and daughters - whatever their age - in our marital heartache. Certainly not until we've handled the situation in some fashion ourselves. It's friends and perhaps some marriage guidance counselling you need right now, not the pained input of your kids. Sure, they have to know if their parents intend to split, but you and your husband haven't got there yet.
Talk to them. Explain that you absolutely don't want them to take sides. Tell them the truth, namely that you regret involving them, that you did it in the first flush of despair, that you want them to back off, that you need to clear your head and deal with your marriage difficulties, that you don't want them putting a gun to their father's head, that you and he need space, that you've no notion right this minute how things are going to pan out. Don't worry about the wedding invitations. A father can always be slipped into a seating plan. Your son was just trying to be supportive with that threat, and angrily reacting to his own distress too.
It's not too late to mend fences on the marital front either. Marriages go through dry stretches, and not just in mid-life. And yes, sometimes it's a husband, or wife, grabbing for short-term satisfaction, or momentary comfort, or the gratification of close attention - being immature in other words. Often, though, the 'dry' stretch is a two-way process. Wives take their eye off the ball. So, indeed, do husbands. No, I'm not now suddenly blaming you. This isn't about blame. It's about recognising that sometimes a partner strays because we've stopped paying attention. That doesn't mean we're responsible for his behaviour. It does mean there's a lesson to be learned. Either way, love doesn't end just because we've been betrayed.
Marriages survive alls kinds of crises. I don't of course know if yours will. You do have a lot of unfinished business which you need to sort out with your husband, away from the turmoil of family distress. At the very least, you two will go on being parents to your lovely children for the rest of your lives. Far more importantly, your relationship deserves time and thought and care and wisdom. Nobody throws away thirty years. They may pretend to, and pull down some emotional shutter, but it doesn't work. Start talking to him, to-day.
Question
I really don't know why I'm writing, as it is already too late for me.
I've been married for nearly 30 years to a lovely man, we have three fantastic children, one of whom, our son, is getting married at the end of the year. We have a very nice life-style, to which I have always contributed as my career was always successful.
I recently discovered that my husband has been having an affair with a woman almost young enough to be his daughter. I had noticed that he was getting a lot of text messages, and then staying away a lot even at weekends, which he had never done before. So I started searching, and what a can of worms I opened. He has been living it up, staying in hotels and even bringing her home to our house while I was away. This really upset me, the thought of somebody else in my bed. It particularly hurt me that he was spending money on this woman that I had worked so hard to earn.
Our family has been destroyed. The children no longer want to know their dad and my son won't even have him at his wedding. So you can imagine the state of our household at the moment. I now totally blame myself for ever letting the children know, because my husband has lost them, which breaks his heart. Why on earth do middle-aged men in mid-life crisis fail to think of the consequences when they start a relationship with some gold-digging young woman?
Answer
I don't know if you've noticed, but you still love your husband. Maybe it's not enough to see your marriage safely through this crisis, but don't ignore it. It's not clear how recent these revelations are. You do sound like you're in the first phase of severe emotional disorientation. Whether that is true or not, I still think you should listen to what you've just written me.
It's not too late to mend fences on the children front. We make mistakes when we're angry and anguished, few of which are so awful that they can't be fixed. No, it's not wise to involve sons and daughters - whatever their age - in our marital heartache. Certainly not until we've handled the situation in some fashion ourselves. It's friends and perhaps some marriage guidance counselling you need right now, not the pained input of your kids. Sure, they have to know if their parents intend to split, but you and your husband haven't got there yet.
Talk to them. Explain that you absolutely don't want them to take sides. Tell them the truth, namely that you regret involving them, that you did it in the first flush of despair, that you want them to back off, that you need to clear your head and deal with your marriage difficulties, that you don't want them putting a gun to their father's head, that you and he need space, that you've no notion right this minute how things are going to pan out. Don't worry about the wedding invitations. A father can always be slipped into a seating plan. Your son was just trying to be supportive with that threat, and angrily reacting to his own distress too.
It's not too late to mend fences on the marital front either. Marriages go through dry stretches, and not just in mid-life. And yes, sometimes it's a husband, or wife, grabbing for short-term satisfaction, or momentary comfort, or the gratification of close attention - being immature in other words. Often, though, the 'dry' stretch is a two-way process. Wives take their eye off the ball. So, indeed, do husbands. No, I'm not now suddenly blaming you. This isn't about blame. It's about recognising that sometimes a partner strays because we've stopped paying attention. That doesn't mean we're responsible for his behaviour. It does mean there's a lesson to be learned. Either way, love doesn't end just because we've been betrayed.
Marriages survive alls kinds of crises. I don't of course know if yours will. You do have a lot of unfinished business which you need to sort out with your husband, away from the turmoil of family distress. At the very least, you two will go on being parents to your lovely children for the rest of your lives. Far more importantly, your relationship deserves time and thought and care and wisdom. Nobody throws away thirty years. They may pretend to, and pull down some emotional shutter, but it doesn't work. Start talking to him, to-day.
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