My Husband Is Not Sociable

Question

I got married a few months ago. I met my husband through a friend. He was always very quiet and never very sociable. That is now starting to become a real problem. He takes no part in organising any of our social life. Most parties, or gatherings we attend, are organised by me. What really bothers me, however, is that I have a better time without him. He doesn't normally initiate any conversations, leaving other people to talk first. Very often they then ask me what is wrong with him. This in turn means I enjoy myself less. I have seen him being sociable, so he can do it, but mostly he withdraws. This is embarrassing and makes me feel uncomfortable. Each time it happens I dislike him more and more. I'm now starting to think that I can't live with his behaviour and therefore must leave. After all, surely my husband should be allowed to be himself, shouldn't he? I am very unhappy and uncertain about what to do. If he doesn't change, how can I accept him? He also acts in a very distant manner around my parents. I'm at a loss to know what to do.

Answer
How on earth can you consider giving up on a marriage after only a few months? What are you, a woman or a mouse? And why on earth are you dodging like this? I understand only too well the desire to avoid conflict, with all the difficulties that go with that, but this is of a different order entirely. Where are the conversations with your husband about what's going on? I mean, have you had even one discussion with him about how he feels, why he is the way he is, how he sees things, anything at all?

I have no idea what's going on in your husband's head. The problem is, neither do you. Worse, you don't seem to have even thought about possible scenarios. The closest you've come to any kind of reflection is when you mention that your husband can be sociable, because you've seen him interacting, the implication being that he simply withdraws out of choice. Equally worrying, you don't seem to do much thinking about your own behaviour either.

You married a man who was always very quiet and never very sociable. Why, then, does it come as a surprise now? Or said differently, why is it only becoming a problem now? Had you absolutely no idea that his failure to be sociable might get you down with time? And how can you complain that he never organises any aspect of your social life? How could you not know what to expect? Where were you in your head when you were going out together?

Do you know if your husband is, perhaps, shy? Or does he lack basic social skills, perhaps because of his background? Is there a big difference between you in social terms, which could leave him feeling awkward when he's with your family and friends? Or is he, perhaps, sulky, or carrying a chip on his shoulder? What are the situations in which you've seen him being sociable? And what can you learn from observing them? What's he like when the two of you are together? Is he the strong silent type, or is he happy to chat?

Of course it's possible that your marriage was a big mistake. It happens. But you can't simply walk away uttering the trite little phrase that your husband should be allowed to be himself. That's a cop out which is beneath any decent person's dignity. And surely you can't wish to walk away knowing so little about what's really going on. Marriage has to be worthy of a little more input than that. It is an important institution, deserving of respect. And respect in this context involves some hard emotional work.

Yes, I know you're suffering. But you are also sleepwalking. Wake up and start communicating. You married the man. You owe him at least a hearing on what is going on in his head. Don't you think?

And you certainly owe yourself a shot at digging somewhat deeper into why things are the way they are.

I Don't Fancy My Husband

Question

I've never found my husband physically attractive and, to be completely honest, the worst sex I've ever had was with him. The reason we started dating was because he was unlike the other men I'd been out with. With hindsight, that may have been a mistake. The real problem is that I do love him, but ever since my son was born three years ago, I've been repulsed at the thought of any kind of physical contact with my husband. I know there's nothing wrong with my libido and I still find other men attractive. I don't want to leave my husband, but how do I reconcile my love for him with my inability to feel comfortable making love with him?

Answer
Yes, of course you can love someone without being sexually interested in them. I'm just not sure what kind of marriage can be made out of that particular scenario. How do you envisage your future together? What kind of fate, exactly, are you planning for your husband? Or for yourself, for that matter? Is this to be a celibate existence, for the rest of your lives? Are you planning on having affairs? And what are you offering your husband? Are you suggesting he should play happy families with you but go wandering for sex?

I can understand that you don't want to leave your husband. It's a scary world out there, particularly as the single mother of a young child. But at the risk of repeating myself for the umpteenth time, marriage is based on sexual love. It's about endless other things too, but sex is central to the emotional contract we make when we walk up the isle, or enter the registry office. So what you're suggesting is that you end your marriage and enter a different kind of agreement - well that's the reality if you edit out the sexual contact. Yes, of course couples accommodate differing sexual needs. And yes, some marriages are celibate. For that to work, in the sense of both partners being happy, it has to be consensual.

And what's this about bad sex? Maybe I'm missing something, but you sound as though you think good sex is something a man gives you, rather than something two people create together. Is he inept? Does he come too quickly? Has he no notion of the need to set the scene? Is he conservative? And aren't those all things that you could do something about? Especially as you say you love him, which means, amongst other things, that you are fundamentally on his side, feel kindness and respect for him, and want things to be right for him, as well as for yourself.

Finally, I do have to ask you. What on earth were you thinking of when you decided to go out with, get engaged to, marry, and have a baby with a man you didn't find physically attractive? Or asking it a different way, what has changed? Why does the sex put you off now? Why are you feeling uncomfortable now, but didn't then? Or if you always felt uncomfortable, why does your discomfort suddenly matter so much that you're trying to bend your whole marriage out of shape? I think you have a bit of figuring-out to do, don't you?

Husband Doesn't Desire Me

Question

Is it normal that sex should nearly completely die out in a marriage? We've been married six years, have two young children, and are naturally busy with day to day life. My husband has no interest in me as a woman. We love our children dearly and take great pleasure in them and are good parents together. As a couple, we seem to have hit a wall.

My husband likes to go out for a few pints at the weekend and I don't mind him doing this as he relaxes after the week. It is hard for us to get out together as babysitters are expensive and it is difficult to face into minding small children when we've both had a late night.

I feel very unattractive to my husband. He nags that I haven't lost weight after the births and he points out other women who had babies around the same time and who have their figures back and look well all the time. I don't know how they do it. I work part-time, mind the children, keep the house, do the shopping etc. Where do other women find the time to take care of themselves and their relationships?

I feel sad when I think about my husband and the lack of closeness between us. I then try and pull myself together and remind myself of how lucky I am to have two healthy children. I feel guilty that I have let myself and my marriage come to this. I should have worked harder to lose weight and keep my husband's attention. I now don't even mention sex to him as I feel stupid and know he doesn't fancy me. It's only like forcing him to love me.

I know I just sound sorry for myself. My husband is a good man and a good husband and father. It's just that I don't know how to get things back on track and wonder if it is too late. We are not heading for a separation, but we are heading for a lonely marriage which is very sad to contemplate after such a good start.

Answer
No, you don't sound sorry for yourself. You sound concerned about your life, which is intelligent, right and proper. My only wish is that you would feel less disheartened. There is no need. You and your husband have a rich life together. And it is certainly not too late. Adjusting to two small children is no joke. Something invariably gets shifted to the back-burner. All you have to do now is prioritize differently.

I don't think this is just a question of weight. Romance has taken a back seat. The two of you have become smothered in the role of parenting instead. Wife has been replaced by mammy, and a mammy who is tied to the house. And although your husband may not be aware of it, my guess is that he's now thinking as a dad rather than a lover. So it's not a question of you neglecting your relationship. You both have.

Change that. Find babysitters, whatever other cost-cutting exercise you have to engage in. Get out twice a week, together, on a date. And it doesn't have to be a late night. A movie and a cup of coffee somewhere is enough. Or even just a stroll around the town, or local neighbourhood, and maybe one drink. Your husband can still have a couple of pints with his mates. You simply have to ensure that you have something similar - namely a conversation with friends that is not just about babies. Maybe you'll find that kind of company at Weight Watchers. Yes, you do have to lose some weight. That's not because your husband is making it an issue. Ignore that. Your weight-loss is for you, an important psychological statement that you're moving back into being an attractive woman, who also has two children.

Most importantly of all, do this for yourself, rather than as an anxious attempt to please your husband. Do it because you're wise enough to see a relationship needs nurturing. And do it because you want to feel that spring back in your step, that zing of being an attractive woman as well as a great mother - and not just attractive to your husband, but to any hunk who happens to walk by. The reason for this is simple. If you feel you're only doing it to win back your husband, then you run the risk of feeling resentful. Worse, you'll be looking for rewards from him, and will then feel terribly distressed if he doesn't jump back into harness quickly enough. Because who knows? Maybe his lack of romantic interest is due to his own exhaustion and his own preoccupation with parenting.

Finally, don't exhaust yourself. Simply let things slide, or maybe look at the way domestic chores are divided. You're both earning, even if unevenly. Is the home front tended by the two of you? Full-time working husbands have a tendency to think housework is a female affair, and part-time work a mere walk in the park. Check it out. Chin up. This is going to be an exciting adventure, and a timely change in your lifestyle. Enjoy it.

Unfaithful Husband

Question

I am a 40-year old married woman with four children. My husband is ten years older, and we have been married over 18 years. Looking back, I rushed into the relationship, and marriage, without knowing much about him. I understand now that I viewed my marriage as an "escape" and a "safety-net" from an unhappy home life and childhood.

From the very early days of our marriage, I suspected that my husband was unfaithful. I didn't actually get proof of this until recently, when all my previous suspicions were confirmed.

I suppose the major cracks started to show when the children arrived. He simply wasn't interested in family life and let me carry on doing it all, despite the fact that I worked outside the home too - and still do. I do hold my hand up and take responsibility for my part in allowing this to happen. I guess I always wanted to avoid conflict and carried on as best I could.

When his infidelity was finally revealed, my husband suggested that we go to marriage counselling. I agreed. However, over the years I had often asked him to go to counselling and he had always refused. And the counselling got us nowhere, to be honest. I felt so betrayed and disgusted that I could never really be part of the marriage again, however much I wanted to for the sake of the children. We decided to remain living in the same house, however, since we are heavily mortgaged.

He is now on anti-depressants, and spends his whole time with his elderly parents - an excuse for not spending time with the children - or else is asleep on the couch. He is cranky and irritable and roars abuse at all of us when he is put under the slightest bit of pressure - like loading the dishwasher or making a phone call. His mistress has long since dumped him.

His brother recently said to me that he thinks I'm not doing enough to help my husband and blames me for his depression. He knows nothing of the affair. I've been to see a counsellor myself and felt I was doing well, but lately I think I have become 'stuck' again. I worry about the damage being done to the children. But I also worry that they will be damaged if we separate.

Answer
This isn't, actually, about the children. Like all people who avoid conflict, you are full of resentment. You hate your husband for every battle you never fought. And this isn't about his unfaithfulness either. It's about the way he failed to be a proper participant in the marriage - and the way you stood there and let it happen. Yes, I know you say you take responsibility for allowing him dodge, for facilitating his absence from any real form of parenting. Maybe you do, up to a point. You clearly haven't taken responsibility for your own unhappiness. That's why you are still stuck, as you put it. And you are stuck. You're stuck in rage.

That rage stopped you being constructive, when your husband asked that you go for counselling as a couple. You went, but you didn't participate. You certainly didn't go there with an open heart and mind, or with any kind of willingness to find a solution. You tell me that yourself. You were too disgusted to participate in the marriage ever again. Your husband opened a door, even if only in naked self-interest. You chose not to walk through. Put another way, you decided to stay angry instead. But you didn't take the apparently logical step of ending the marriage entirely. Instead of throwing him out, you've left your husband in the awful role of useless lodger. Sure, he's actively participating in this terrible scenario, but it's you and I who are talking here, so we'll stick with what you're doing.

Some things need to be clarified here. Your rage didn't begin when your husband's infidelity came to light. You've been angry with him all your married life. Everyone who puts up with stuff in order to avoid conflict is in a rage. The anger just stays underground, secretly tearing away at the heart of the relationship, defused but none the less deadly, sabotaging any real communication. The only difference now is that your husband's bad behaviour came out into the open, in a way he couldn't avoid admitting. So you felt free to hit him with everything you had. Open rebellion became possible.

What I'm saying is that the problems in your marriage were not all down to your husband.

How you're punishing him makes a lot of psychological sense. He's shut out of the marriage. He's shown up clearly as a wash-out, for all to see, which effectively sidelines him in terms of family life. He's where he always wanted to be, as you see it. Only it hasn't worked out for him. He sits there, angry, depressed, and almost entirely useless, abandoned by his woman. He's a mess. Deep down you thought you'd find that rewarding. You were doing OK for a while. But angry revenge never works for us. That's what you're now finding out.
Children are hurt whether a couple stay together in awful circumstances, or split up. So forget the kids. It can't be about them. Either you wish to pick up the pieces of your marriage, or you don't. It's your decision.

My Husband Is A Flirt

Question

I have a problem with my husband's wandering eye. Time and time again I have addressed this issue with him. Don't get me wrong. He is a wonderful person and does a great deal for me. However, he never says I'm beautiful, and is never proud of me in any way. And I could accept that, accept that he is introverted about such things. What I do not understand is that he seems to have no problem saying that so and so is beautiful, or so and so is nice, or sweet, or wonderful. If he can express himself freely when it comes to other women, why is it so hard for him to say such things to his own wife? He keeps telling me that he has feelings for me in his heart, pointing to the said heart in the process, and it appears I am to be content with that. He never says anything nice to me, but then wanders around looking at other women, even flirting with them, and I am right there. That hurts so much that I now wonder if this marriage will work. Because I can no longer take it. I know I'm not here to change him, but if he has no respect for me, what is the point of staying in the marriage?
Answer
You clearly need a crash course in power politics. And yes, they most certainly do exist in marriage. But before we start, this is not a hanging offence, your husband is not a bad man, and it's not about a failure to respect you.

Of course your husband could tell you how wonderful you are. And of course it's crappy nonsense for him to point to his heart, and remain wordless. Worse, it's ham acting, boring and ridiculous. The reality is that he doesn't want to praise you. His power lies in withholding. He is an insecure man, who feeds off your need to hear nice things. Yes, that is pathetic, and sad. But the truth is, he feels psychologically safer saying no. As long as you desire praise, he feels reassured that you need him.

Yes, of course we all desire praise. But to need it, as you do, to constantly ask for it, despite all the refusals you receive, displays insecurity on your part. Do you understand? You are handing your husband the power to say no. And weak as he is, he's exercising that power. If you like, it's a form of masochism on your part, constantly putting yourself up for another mean refusal. And the sadistic little bit of your husband, born of his own low self-esteem, rises to the occasion, and he withholds the praise, simply because you want it.

The same applies to his comments on other women. He's playing games, exploiting your vulnerability, trying to make you feel jealous - and all so that he can feel better about himself. Please understand. This is not a consciously planned strategy. He's not thinking "now I'll make her feel bad by saying how nice this other woman is". He's instinctively using the power you give him. And he's not doing it out of pure badness. He's using that power because he needs to.

You can see for yourself what has to be done. First of all you have to stop asking. You then have to work on your own self-esteem so that you reach a point where you would like his praise, but don't actually need it. Because of course your husband will still sense your need, even if you no longer articulate it. So you have to learn to stand on your own two feet, emotionally I mean. That's one side of the equation.

How much praise do you dish out? Your husband clearly needs reassurance himself. He needs you to think he is wonderful. And at the moment, my guess is that you don't feed that side of him. You're too upset. Could you find it in your heart to rise above your own distress and try and make him feel good? Could you show your appreciation of all those things he clearly does for you? I mean, could you be generous enough to do what he doesn't do, namely reassure him, with words, smiles and cuddles? Could you, in short, break the subtle game the two of you play, by opting out and doing things differently?

Jealous Of His Past

Question
I've been married for 25 years to a man I love. We are a very close couple. When we first started dating my husband owned up to a one-night stand with an older woman when he was 17. She was a widow and in her forties. He said he was young and inexperienced and it lasted only five minutes. He was staying in her house at the time, and said he went back to his room as soon as it was over. During a conversation recently, however, it came to light that he had spent the night with her and had done a lot of sexual exploring.


I feel betrayed and hurt that he hid from me the full extent of what went on. I feel he should have told me the truth right at the beginning as I would then have had the option to either deal with it or walk away. You may think this is petty, but I feel this has cast a shadow over our 25 years together. I'm now wondering if he's been thinking about her whenever we had sex. My husband says it all happened before we met, that it has no bearing on our marriage and that I'm looking to be a martyr in all of this. He just doesn't get it, how hurt I feel. Now I wonder what else went on. I'm tortured with thoughts of him with this woman, and the mark she has left on him. My husband says I'm over-reacting. Am I?

Answer
You're not hurt actually. You're jealous. And if you handle that jealousy correctly, it can put a sparkle into your marriage rather than burdening your relationship. You've also reason to be grateful. Think about it. If your husband had just spent 5 minutes with this woman he would have learned nothing. During the night, he moved from adolescent fumbling to a lover's light touch. Your marriage, I imagine, benefited from that. Two inexperienced people might have fumbled forever. And no, before the moral outrage begins, I'm not suggesting young men should seduce, or be seduced by, older women. I'm simply saying that since it happened, you could be quietly grateful for the good bits.

Jealousy can spur us on, or pull us asunder. Instead of feeling one-down, why not channel your energy into enjoying a whole new phase in your sex life with your husband? You do have that choice you know. How we see things is ultimately a choice. Yes, I understand that you feel vulnerable. But you can change that. You can rejoice in the fact that you care enough to be jealous, rejoice in the fact that you have a live, vibrant and communicative marriage, and take up the challenge to be sexier than any 40-something year old widow of bygone days.

Ask for nice nightwear as a Christmas present.

Absentee Husband

Question

I have felt broken-hearted for the last couple of years. I married over 30 years ago, the children are now grown up, and I went back to work full-time two years ago. My husband was always free to come and go as he pleased, while I raised the children and did the house-keeping. He never played any part in child-minding. In fact he was never really available to us. Yet he always responded immediately to any request from a neighbour or acquaintance. People would ring our house in the middle of the night if they had a crisis and my husband would be only too delighted to go to their assistance. But he worked hard, provided for us, and I ended up accepting the way things were. And I would have said that my life was happy. My hobbies became ones I could pursue at home. And if I went anywhere, the children had to come with me. I now regret failing to insist that he play his part as husband and father and see, with hindsight, that I enabled him to opt out. He still does. One of our daughters lost her job and is in financial trouble, through no fault of her own, but he's not interested.

The relationship that exists between us really troubles me. My husband is quite content with it. I would really like to have a relationship of equals and I try to discuss everything with him, even when he's clearly not interested, because I feel he should know what's going on in the family. For his part he goes to several meetings a week, is involved in sport and other parish activities, and works hard for the community - and loves it. Weekends he goes to matches, watches sport on TV, and usually has a friend or two come round to discuss the week's events. I work at my job all week and spend the weekend catching up with housework. I have nothing to look forward to. I am heart-broken that my husband ignores his own family, and am furious that he has the cheek to devote himself to others incessantly. It would be easier if he was a mean, heedless git. But he's not. He's a caring attentive citizen, just not to me or the children. I do sometimes go to social events with him and enjoy the company of others. But the feeling of abandonment by my husband never really eases and puts a barrier between us.

I am a widow within my marriage.

Answer
You used to be happy and now you're not. What's the difference between then and now? No, I'm not being flippant. And yes, I do understand that you compromised then. You had the children, and you had the wisdom to see that you could adjust, and be happy, even though you didn't like a lot of your husband's behaviour. And yes, too, you are right. Your husband failed to take the important step of putting his family first. He remained, if you like, married to his community. He didn't make the necessary shift in commitment. So I am not trying to wrong-foot you. All I'm saying is that you managed compromise then. What has changed?

Some of the answer is obvious. You were busy with the children then. That didn't just mean work. It meant you had company, felt comforted and loved, had joy and entertainment, were blessed with a lot of human contact. And now they are gone. You still have work, too much of it perhaps. I mean, why wouldn't you get help in the house so that you don't spend weekends catching up on cleaning? The hole left in your life is the human one of loneliness. I can see all that. The question is, why ask your husband to fill it? Think of this a different way. Many men retire, and expect their wives to suddenly become full-time companions. The result is often war. Just as women experience the empty-nest syndrome and suddenly want their husbands to fill the gap. Understandable, of course, but not wise.

Your husband hasn't changed. You have. Wouldn't it be a good idea to try and find some way of dealing with that fact - some way other than putting your husband's shortcomings under the microscope? No, I'm not saying that in order to let him off the hook. I'm saying it in order to help you find happiness. He hasn't actually abandoned you, you know. He simply failed to engage with you beyond a certain point all your married life. Yes, you could say you enabled him to opt out. More positively, and I think more accurately, you recognised his limitations, and refused to spend a life-time fighting helplessly against them.

Catch a hold of that wisdom again.

Thinking Of Sex With A Good Friend

Question

I have not had any intimate relations with my wife for more than five years. We have discussed it, but to no avail. Although she says she still loves me, the thought of having sex is something she finds abhorrent. I have considered using the services of a prostitute, but I don't think that's a road I want to go down. A long-time female friend of mine, who is aware of my situation, would not be adverse to us getting together from time to time, with no strings attached. Should I take this path? Or am I getting in over my head?

Answer
I suppose it depends on what sex actually means to you. And to your woman friend. And to you wife, if she finds out - and she probably will.

Let me say it differently. What, exactly, are you offering your lady friend? And what, exactly, are you expecting to get? Sex fitted into your existing time-frame for friendship? More time with her? Nights away, weekends, holidays perhaps? Will this, in other words, be an expanded relationship - at least at a time level? You are already intimate friends. How will this differ from marriage when you add in sex? Why, in other words, will you be settling for a secret affair with a friend, rather than an open relationship? What does she lack that you don't want to go all the way?

The questions you have to ask yourself don't end there. What does your marriage mean to you? What does your wife mean to you? What, in fact, does your life mean to you. You're contemplating an affair, secrets, the breaking of trust, disloyalty. Where does that leave your self-respect? Is it money, social standing, family ties that hold you? And where - if anywhere - is love?

Your wife has broken her marriage vows. She's not ill, apparently, or distraught with grief, or suffering in any obvious way. This is not, therefore, a simple question of accepting life's adversities. You have to work it out together. What does she expect of you? Abstinence because she, inexplicably, now finds sex abhorrent? Don't you see, you have to handle this together. You both have to deal with the reality your wife has created. She has withdrawn from a central element of her marriage with the damaging, discourteous, dismissive and profoundly unkind declaration that sex is no longer on the agenda. You have to face that down. So has she.

My Husband Hit Me

Question

We have been happily married for over 12 years and have four lovely children. I always thought we had a solid marriage as my partner is a very good husband and father. We would hate to ever get to a situation where we would separate, mainly as we value marriage and never want to hurt our children. I came from a broken home and my father is an alcoholic. My husband, for his part, is not close to his family. He just feels he has little in common with them. But he has a good job, as have all his siblings.

Last weekend, my husband lost his temper with me and physically assaulted me. I was shocked that he resorted to this behaviour and was left bruised and emotionally shaken. I had three strands of thought after it happened - ring the Gardai, contact a solicitor, ring Accord, the relationship counselling service. I did the latter and am waiting for an appointment. I obviously love my husband, but would not put up with that. It was very out of character for him as he is normally very relaxed, and is liked by everyone. I confided in a friend and she, too, was shocked, both by the marks left on my back and arms, and the fact that he did it.

I would describe him as a deep, non-emotional person. He never discusses how he feels and I don't think he is able to. As far as I am aware he was not abused as a child, nor had anything bad happen to him. I feel sick to think that he shows traits which remind me of my father. This remark really annoys him and he says he is nothing like my father. He does like a drink, and when he goes out he really goes to town. He sees nothing wrong with his drinking, but it really bothers me as it certainly reminds me of my father. I hate people when they are drunk, even though my husband would be described as a happy drunk.

We have talked about what happened and he doesn't know why he did it and is shocked about it. But this wasn't the first time he exploded and used his strength on me - I recall about 3 or 4 incidents over a 15-year period. This was the first time he left marks. I think he is weak to resort to physically hurting me just because he can't handle an argument. He has no memories of his parents ever fighting. I, on the other hand, grew up in a house full of hostility and loud rows. I obviously provoke him, but why couldn't he just walk away? What kind of person does that make him? Am I bad for him? I know my demons as I've had counselling because of my background. I put a lot into my marriage as I want to be happy, and I want my children to be happy and secure. I'd hate them to come from a broken home.

Unless I do something, or lead the way, I thing my husband would just leave it be. I have said it will be a long road back and that I want us to go to a professional to talk about our problems. He doesn't see why this is necessary, but I am adamant. I refuse to push this under the carpet, but it is very hard when you are dealing with a non-emotive stubborn person. He is going to come with me, but I wonder if it will make any difference. Can you make some sense of all this? I don't want to make a big thing of it, but on the other hand, I don't want to trivialise it either.

Answer
Let's get one thing straight. Yes, you may well have provoked your husband during an argument with some comment or action or failure to respond. You did not, most emphatically, provoke him into physical aggression. You are not responsible for the fact that he physically assaulted you. How he responds to any provocation - be it from you, or from life generally, or from some other specific person like an erratic driver on the road - that is his responsibility and his alone. Provocation is always there - in some shape or form. How we respond is down to us. Your husband physically assaulted you. That is unacceptable. It is also in no way, shape, or form, your fault. You have no case to answer. Your husband has.

Yes, of course you are right. You need to see a professional 'outsider'. You need objective feedback. And yes, I think it is significant that your husband doesn't see why you should bother with counselling. He doesn't want to confront the truth, which is that he must change. That said, I don't think you're entirely facing the truth either. This isn't a question of background, or upbringing, or the fact that your husband saw no violence in his home while you did in yours. The point is, your husband decided to use physical force on you. He has been violent to you. And the whole truth is that this is not the first time. Look at what you've told me.

This is not your fault. The responsibility lies squarely with him.

Alcohol is also an issue which has to be clarified. Yes, I understand that you may be over-sensitive to the whole question of drinking. On the other hand, a happy drunk is still a drunk. And getting drunk on a regular basis is really not on. You also haven't clarified to what extent drinking plays a role in your husband's physical violence - if any. Either way, the issue of alcohol has to be raised too. Maybe you have to ditch some of your fears. Maybe he has to drink less. Maybe it will be a bit of both. It needs to be sorted.

And you have to talk about emotional intimacy too. If you describe your husband as unemotional, and someone who never discusses his feelings, that probably means you feel lonely in your marriage. It may also mean that rows become the substitute for real communication. Which is something you will both have to work on.

You've shown great courage and wisdom. I hope you are proud of yourself.

Husband More Like A Father

Question

I'm 33 years old and have been married for four years, but we've actually been together for ten years. We have no children and I have no desire to have any.

I had a tough childhood, with an abusive father. My mother died when I was in my early '20's and soon afterwards I met hubby. Although there was no physical attraction from my side, he was the only person to be there for me. He has a beautiful heart, is very loving and caring, and although he was my first boyfriend, and I didn't feel sexually attracted to him, I thought marriage was the natural thing since he was my soul-mate. I was also very vulnerable at the time.

The emotional terrors have passed and I now feel I am ready to take on the world, but find myself trapped in my marriage. My hubby seems to have lost his libido around the time we got married. Sex was infrequent after the wedding, and then stopped entirely two years ago. He seems willing to do something about it, for my sake, but I don't actually want him to since I still don't find him attractive. I did have a short affair recently, but came clean to him about it, we nearly separated, but I couldn't go through with it when I saw how broken-hearted he was.

I feel hubby acts like he's 60 years old, although he is only a year older than I am. He is more like a good companion to me and makes me feel I am living with a nice father who looks after me well and provides for me. I, on the other hand, feel like a teen trapped in a 33 year old body and yes, I do enjoy sex, and would like to experiment more, but not with hubby.

I just want to be free and live life, but at the same time it is difficult to throw away such a great hubby who has helped me so much. And ten years is a long time to be with someone. It would be very sad to part, and of course I don't want to break his heart again.
Answer
You did, effectively, marry a kind father, someone you are still not sexually attracted to. How is this for him? You say he's lost his libido, at 34 years of age. Don't you see that this could well be a response to your lack of interest? That his libido is not lost, but displaced, for two reasons. At a conscious level, he feels your disinterest and retreats. At an unconscious level he's aware that he's really a daddy to you and feels uncomfortable with that dynamic?

Yes, he would be broken hearted if you broke up. But would his heart mend after a while? Isn't it possible that you're holding him back from finding someone who would really love him, as the kind and loving man he is? Put another way, is he trapped too? Are you hanging in there really because you fear removing the safety net? And if so, is that kind? These are only questions, of course. I don't know the answers. But you do. Think about it.

Sex Only Way To Keep Him Sweet

Question

We are married nearly 30 years. My beloved has always had good core values, is very hardworking, honest, faithful, and a real family man. Socially he is outgoing, charming, witty. At home he can be very moody, is easily stressed, touchy, defensive, restless, driven, judgmental, impatient, and can get angry easily. He will not address any of this, even at the level of stress management. He has always been like this.

Recently I've noticed a pattern of behaviour which I missed over the years, since I was always so busy dealing with the latest crisis. There is a strong correlation between our sex life and his 'mood swings'. For a couple of days after a bit of 'hanky panky' he's on a high, full of affection, full of chat, literally smothering me with love. Then, inevitably, the bubble bursts, quite suddenly, and it's like he's a different person, withdrawn, unloving, in bad humour. And he will not, or cannot, snap out of this sulk until I humour him with the next 'hanky panky'. And so the cycle continues. I mentioned this to him, treading very carefully, but it just triggered another cycle of silence and resentment which lasted for weeks, blowing everything I said out of all proportion and leaving me wondering if I should have kept my mouth shut. He generally feels insecure and anxious, and on the rare occasions when I confront him, as gently as I can, he automatically gets defensive, will not listen, becomes irrational, and there is no reasoning with him, no matter what the issue is. I'm left feeling drained and exasperated.

In the last couple of years the 'mood swings' have become worse, and more prolonged. The silences can last months. Perhaps the phrase 'mood swings' is wrong, since the silences are aimed only at me. He shuts me out of his life. When he is socialising, he is the life and soul of the party. We then sleep in separate bedrooms - his idea ironically. And in the last few months, these silences have sunk to an even more unacceptable level, his anger is palpable, he can be deliberately rude, making no effort at all to be even half-civilised, barely answering any question.

I confront him occasionally and at one point I asked him did he want me to pack my bags and leave. He said no, but didn't change his behaviour. And he never seems to see that he has done anything wrong. So, for peace sake, I usually end up doing all the apologising, he's off the hook, and we're soon back to square one. I know I'm no saint. I can be controlling and over the years I have mostly called the shots when it comes to sex, so much so that my husband always leaves the initiation of intimacy to me. When he is down and withdrawn, I am down too and don't feel comfortable in my own home. And then, to break the ensuing silence, I eventually muster up the moral strength to try and forgive him and initiate sex. But I know it's only a temporary fix. I feel so battered and heart-broken.

I need a daily sprinkling of basic unconditional respect and niceness and sex takes second place. For my husband, however, love is conditional. He needs sex first and then I will be rewarded with a couple of days of normal affection, but it's only temporary and limited. I am honestly not sure if he is simply ill and cannot help the way he is, or whether he is just so self-absorbed and immature that he is clueless, or perhaps just cold, calculating and manipulative. After 30 years you would imagine I should know, but I don't. I'm not good at socialising, haven't got much self-esteem and feel so lonely.
Answer
How terrible for your husband to be trapped in the emotional world of a two-year-old. And how terrible for you to be so psychologically dependent on such a vulnerable man-child. He needs constant positive attention. And requires you to read his needs, without him articulating them. He also needs to be regularly rewarded with sexual intimacy, because that's when he feels you are close and approving - the nearest he can get to being in a mother's arms. He's a hopelessly insecure human being who cannot bear any form of feedback, let alone outright criticism, and who is therefore shut out from any chance of change. You, for your part, depend on his positive mood to feel good, not just about yourself, but about life. You, too, need the closeness. As you say yourself, you need a daily sprinkle of niceness. And you've no real emotional life outside your marriage to help stabilise you when your husband is off on his punishment routine of emotional withdrawal.

Yes, it's a tangled web of mutual dependency, which we can't possibly untangle here. All I can do is paint part of the picture. The only way out is to break the cycle of dependency. And since we cannot change others, you have to concentrate on changing yourself, somehow hoisting yourself out of your dependency. Difficult as it may seem, you have to start finding a life outside your relationship. It doesn't have to involve serious socialising. What we're talking about is finding some way of comforting yourself, of creating an oasis of calm to which you can retreat. At the moment you keep comforting your husband because you need comfort yourself. So you buy into his moods.

There is, of course, no point in punishing your husband. That's just another form of control. And your task is to relinquish control - in a wide range of situations. You need to move into 'dumb blond' mode, if I'm allowed to use that awful cliché, or just friendly, loving vagueness. Do you understand? Your husband punishes you with his moods because he sees you as the arbiter of his happiness. You have to hand him back the responsibility for his wellbeing, on every front. You have to stop playing the game. Let him break his diet, wear the wrong tie, forget that important appointment, make a mess of some communication with the kids - whatever it is, get out.

That, of course, is a tall order, but entirely necessary. And of course you are exhausted. Go to a good therapist and get support. You'll need it.

Our Sex Life Has Stopped

Question

My wife and I have been married for 30 years and about 15 years ago, our sex life went away. My wife said it was because it hurt her. And she had no desire for sex. I might be able to understand that, but the real problem is that she got offended and angry at me if I tried to discuss it. I don't know exactly what is wrong, and she won't talk to me about it. During the past 15 years I have been rejected several times just for asking her to talk to me about our sex life. I no longer try because I don't want any further rejection.

I still have desire for her and have not been with another woman in all the years I've been married. I would be willing to have sex in any way that didn't hurt my wife, but I can't even get that far. I still love her and believe in our marriage vows. But it gets so hard to do so sometimes. Yes, I masturbate quite often. And no, she will not see a counsellor with me. She says she loves me, but not for sex.

I may be old-fashioned, but I married for better or for worse, till death do us part. If this is something I must live with till I die, then so be it. At least I can face God knowing I tried to do the right thing. It still hurts not to be wanted.
Answer
Despite sex suffusing almost every aspect of life, there is one last taboo. Those who are not interested, or no longer interested, stay silent. Your wife gets offended and angry, and refuses to talk about her disinterest, because she doesn't feel she can get her message across, and be understood. It's easy to talk about doing it ten times a night - and yes, I exaggerate. It's difficult to discuss no interest, at all. Just as we preach safe sex rather than abstinence to our kids, on the basis that sex must happen, so we fail utterly to encompass the reality of lost libido.

This leads to the destructiveness of non-communication. It also leads to the total withdrawal of all physical affection. Wives are afraid that if they cuddle and hug, or even laugh and flirt a little, he'll want more, because he hasn't heard, or taken on board, what she said. After all, loss of libido makes her some class of alien in the bright new world of Viagra, hormone replacement therapy and eternal youth.

At one level the reality is simple. Sex becomes a hassle, or more effort than it is worth. Cream to lubricate a dry vagina, which only partially works, hot flushes which are acutely uncomfortable, disturbed sleep, waves of anxiety and depression as the hormone levels waver and wind down - all of that is part of the menopause, and none of it is conducive to feeling sexy. And yes, the menopause passes, but vaginal dryness remains, and a real reduction in libido.

At another level, the wise and loving wife doesn't give up. Because to do so means turning away from being attractive and desirable, because women miss that when it's gone. It's also a rather charmless way of growing old. And it's wrong to abandon a loving husband, just because the going gets tough. So of course you are right. There are lots of ways of being sexual together, and what you want is the closeness. Just don't underestimate how daunting and exhausting it is for your wife to spell it all out. Talk to her again.

I Feel Invisible In My Marriage

Question

I've been married for 15 years to a good man. But I've gotten to feel alone and invisible. Neither of us has ever had an affair, yet I have to admit that if someone showed me the attention and affection I crave, I could be tempted. No one is though.

My husband is a workaholic. He's also a very good son and calls in to see his elderly father each day after work. I scarcely see him on week-nights. I wouldn't even mind that so much if the rest of the time he showed more care for me. The most affection I get these days is a peck on the lips, and maybe a quick hug. Sex ended years ago and he's lost all interest. He says it's not me. He's just not interested in general. He is nearly 60 and has gained quite a bit of weight. I'm 50 and still slender. But his lack of interest has seriously damaged my sense of being an attractive woman. It hurts that he's not even interested in cuddling.

My husband does not act in an angry way with me, he doesn't drink and he is respectful. He just seems to take no heed of me, never going out of his way to do anything nice or special for me. I feel like a room-mate who just picks up after him and nothing more. I feel hopeless at the thought that this is the state of my marriage for the rest of my life. I don't want to have an affair but I do wish I knew someone who actually found me attractive. I don't want a divorce. But I don't want to feel sad and ugly forever.

I am stuck and hopeless.
Answer
Let's get a few things straight. Your feelings of loneliness and sadness are, unhappily, legitimate. So is your sense of being invisible. You have been abandoned as a wife. Feeling ugly, unattractive, undesirable, on the other hand, is straying into a false reality. That's just you, inappropriately blaming yourself for your husband's lack of sexual interest. Of course those feelings are understandable. But they are also misplaced. Your husband has even told you so. He's just lost interest in sex, not in you specifically. His disinterest says a lot about him, and absolutely nothing about you.

Yes, if someone fancied you, suggested an affaire, even wanted to run away with you, that would feel good, a neat shortcut to better self-esteem. It doesn't sound as though it would help you solve your problem. You don't want divorce, you want your husband to desire you. That may never happen, of course, but it's still what you want - right now anyway. More importantly, feeling vulnerable about your attractiveness takes the focus off the real issue. Your husband has reneged on his marital vows, broken the contract you both signed up to. Marriage isn't about being room-mates. It's about sexual love.

Your husband has opted out of his marriage - as surely as if he'd actually left home. He spends little enough time with you. More importantly, he puts no energy into your togetherness. He fails to treat you as a romantic partner - with little presents, weekends away, emotional conversation, thoughtful gestures, man and woman togetherness in all its nuances. And he pecks you on the lips instead of taking you to bed. He has left you. It's not that you are ugly. Your husband has somehow died inside. That is the problem you both need to tackle.

He's clearly a good man. He is not being deliberately nasty. He has changed, and that needs to be discussed. Silence, rather than the absence of passionate sex, is what kills a marriage. Maybe he started to have erectile problems. Many men respond to that with a combination of embarrassment and self-protection, turning away from sex rather than raising the issue with their wives. Maybe he needed a different kind of sexual response from you, failed to ask, and retreated in defeat. Maybe he needed more active affection from you. Who knows. Well, he knows - even if his knowledge is not entirely conscious.

I can see you don't like confrontation. But it's certainly better than being invisible. And it doesn't have to be nasty. Done properly, it's just another word for communication. Talk to your husband. Say it like it is. And ask for a real response.

In Love With A Younger Man

Question

I am a middle-aged married woman with teenage children. Some years ago I fell in love with a younger single man. Nothing happened between us, but it made me face up to the fact that I do not love my husband and never really did. I don't really like him. He can be aggressive and unreasonable at times and of course he is always right. He is also a blamer, mostly blaming me, basically about everything. I put up with it because he does have good points. He is generous, although he sees our income, home, car etc. as his because he's the primary earner. And he can be very entertaining. Overall, however, I am indifferent to him and am staying with him for the children's sake, and for convenience.

My husband feels more or less the same way. He has told me so, and has said from time to time that he regretted marrying me. But he is also reluctant to leave.

The problem is that I still love this other man. In fact he is the only man I will ever love. And I feel certain that he loves me too. But I am aware that the reason we still feel this way is because our love was thwarted. If we had had an affair it would be over now and we would both be sorry. It could not have worked for many reasons. In particular there is the age difference - he is younger than I am.

The pointlessness of it all is getting me down. I know that even the deepest love does not last. I know that it is completely unreasonable to keep loving this man. I know that even in the unlikely scenario of us getting together on a permanent basis, we would end up, at best, in a relationship not much better than the one I already have with my husband. In fact it would probably be worse, because of all the heartbreak involved.

Despite knowing all this, I can't, or won't, stop loving him. Reason does not prevail. I feel that I am in limbo. Am I simply addicted to being in love? And if this is true, what can I do?

Answer
You are hung up on your fantasy. And yes, fantasy love can become an addiction. Certainly it can become an habitual escape from reality. Instead of working on your marriage, you disappear off into your head, playing out a hundred different scenarios with the young man of your dreams. Meanwhile, you fail to confront the daily disappointment of your relationship with your husband. It seems like impossibly hard work. Or impossibly boring. So you retreat instead. If this were a satisfactory state of affairs, you wouldn't be talking to me. But like you said, the pointlessness of it all is getting to you. Precisely. There is no substitute for engaging in the real world. Certainly, fantasies can console us in times of dire stress. But they provide no more than temporary relief.

This is down to you. Your husband's comments about wishing he hadn't married you, or the general list of his failings, or indeed his own failure to properly engage in a conversation about your mutual differences, are decidedly beside the point. You have to create a dignified and meaningful life for yourself, both inside and outside your marriage. And no, I don't mean extra-marital affairs. Does your husband have to be the sole bread-winner? Could you find a part-time job, just for personal spending? Have you taken a look around your local community for a suitable role volunteering? Do you need a new fitness routine, or a fashion make-over? Does someone in your family, or amongst your in-laws, need a bit of back-up? The point I'm making is that you're not just running away from the reality of your marriage. You're running away from life.

All relationships are a two-way process. Sure, some behaviour can be pretty intractable, and you learn to live with that. But the way your husband treats you is very much down to you. Loving him is down to you too. It's about deciding to appreciate him, to be grateful for the good things, to wish him well, to be on his side, to feel kindness towards his foibles, which is really his humanity. It's about behaving in such a way that he becomes a better man. Indifference, which you say is what you feel, is not lack of love. It's lack of effort. Love, in short, is a question of daily practice.

Finally, if you feel helpless, then start with small things, which are under your control, practical things. And remember, leaving our comfort zone is always hard. Fantasy love was your 'drug' of choice. It will take time. Be patient with yourself.

My Husband No Longer Loves Me

Question

I have been living in a very strange arrangement for a number of years now and am at a cross-roads as to how to proceed.

I've been married for many years and am blessed with great children, who are now grown up. I am financially fairly secure and outwardly would seem to have it all. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't seem to love me anymore and I don't know whether to separate or stay together for the sake of the children - especially as I still love him.

We were madly in love when we married and have had good times and bad times together. About four years ago he turned nasty, saying I was not attractive to him and everything was my fault. We started sleeping apart and had several terrible rows. I suspect he'd had an affair, but he denies this. A couple of months ago he told me he didn't love me anymore and was thinking of moving out. When I was confronted with this I suddenly realised how much I'd be losing, and how much I still loved him, and asked him not to leave. I've improved my appearance since then, lost weight amongst other things, and have generally been making a real effort. But even though we're getting on much better, I'm beginning to think things have gone too far and he has lost his love for me.

This evening I asked him if he'd like to go out for a drink to celebrate our anniversary, but he declined. I left the room and now can't get over the hurt and upset. I don't know if he's too afraid to love me again in case it goes back to the bad old days of fighting, or whether his love has just died. I feel if I knew for sure that he'll never again love me then I would ask for a separation.

I am very lonely and very afraid of the future. I don't know if living in a loveless marriage is better than risking a future alone with my children. Or do you think he will ever come round? Is it possible? I don't know why, but he's the love of my life. And it's torture being on the outside of his world, rather than fully part of it.

Answer
You are dodging. Frightened of the future, you're avoiding the conversation you have to have with your husband. And from the sounds of it, you've been doing that for a long time. Four years ago he effectively left you emotionally, socially and sexually. You may have challenged him then. Certainly you had rows. But you didn't reach him. You didn't confront him with the reality of what was going on between you. Instead you settled for some kind of Mexican stand-off. No, I'm not criticising you. Nor am I suggesting that your marital difficulties are your fault. I'm just telling you, perhaps in clearer terms, what you have already told me. The reality is that you really only woke up a few months ago, around four years down the line, when your husband said he was thinking of moving out.

And you're still dodging. And it's still doing you no good. From where I'm sitting you sound a though you're in a fog. Which undoubtedly means that you feel you are in a fog. Clear it. Clarify your own thoughts first. Even if you haven't got the answers, you have to think about the questions. Are you really interested in your husband? Or are you, understandably, just afraid of the future? Do you want him to stay, at any price? Or, as you seem to suggest, do you need him to do a lot of things differently in order to keep the marriage intact? If you did part company, what, would be your terms? Do you think you could reach an amicable separation in terms of money? And does he have to disappear entirely from your life? He's the father of your children, so could he remain as some kind of friendly support to you?XXXX

The point I'm making is that a separation is not just down to him. Staying or leaving, the terms have to be agreed between the two of you. It's not just a question of whether he loves you or not. It's a question of the quality of your relationship, be that a marriage or the life-long task of civilly respecting each other, particularly in the context of the kids. When you've at least framed these issues in your head, ask your husband what's really going on. He's dodging too. So tell him you need to hear the truth, and the whole truth, because you do. Certainly it's scary. But it's not half as damaging as living in limbo. Start talking.

Marriage Empty Of Sex

Question

I'm not sure if I'm seeking a solution. I just wonder if I am alone. I am 55 years old and have been married for over 30 years. We have three children, all in their late twenties. After a life together with great ups and devastating downs, my wife and I are still together. If you asked me, I would say I still love my wife. But there is an emptiness.

My wife has never been interested in sex. I am not over-demanding, but I am really down-hearted as we pass through middle age in what I would describe as a good-friends mode. Even in the early years of our marriage there would often be three- or six-month gaps where we would not make love. As I write now, it is over two years since we last did. We have been on good terms, even in romantic locations, but no.

The situation now is that my wife stays up late each night playing computer games, and physically lies apart from me when she does come to bed. I have raised the matter often, have asked about counselling, but she is not interested. And so I look forward and see myself living for another 5 or 10 years in this friendly, but physically loveless, situation. Not very enticing.

Answer
It seems time to air this issue of love and sex and marriage. It's not new, of course. But it is now systematically forcing itself onto the discussion table. It's no coincidence that the lady writing the next letter is also stuck in the same sad place. My postbag is full of similar stories. It is predominantly men who suffer, or at least who write to me about their suffering. I can't tell if that means women are more likely to turn away from sexual intimacy, leaving more husbands lonely. It could be that women just deal with sexual deprivation better. Whichever, you are most certainly not alone.

In this era of rights, rather than responsibilities, desires rather than duties, self rather than others, the marital contract may no longer be heavy on what we promise to give. But the subtext is still crystal clear. Sex is central. We are not marrying to cement a friendship. Or simply to create children. Or solely to regulate finances. Sexual love is the unique bond which binds us. We promise each other to be faithful sexual partners. That doesn't just mean remaining monogamous. It means having sex with each other.

Said like that, it sounds harsh, crude, undressed, made all the more painful by the fact that we yearn for consensus, most particularly when it comes to sex. But that's what happens when people dodge the notion of duty, pretend there was no promise, avoid reality. We're forced into an uncomfortable level of clarity. No man wants to tell his wife that she 'owes' him sex. Things are pretty bad in a marriage when it comes to that point. But at a very fundamental level, it's true. Certainly, there are a thousand caveats. A couple has to adjust to differing levels of basic sexual desire - and no, it's not always the man who wants more. Someone can also be sick, emotionally distraught, seriously worried, or suffer stress levels way off the Richter scale, leaving sex as the last thing on their minds. Timing can be crucial too. So can technique. We know all that. And it's not the point.

The reason I'm harping on the contract is simple. If everyone stopped dodging reality, solutions could be found. Your wife is blanking you out at a sexual level. If she acknowledged the truth of the marriage vows, she wouldn't do that. She'd have to talk to you, find a compromise, be loving and kind, rather than blocking communication.

The tricky bit is what comes next. Your wife is dodging because she doesn't want to deal with herself. You are not the problem, she is. She has to face down why she's saying no to sex with her husband. It's not enough that she doesn't feel like it. Why does she not feel like it? And more importantly, why is she indulging herself, why is she allowing her disinterest to rule the day? We may not feel like doing lots of things. We still do them. And if we are wise, we go further. We learn to love what we have to do. Otherwise we spend our lives at war with the realities of life. Happy people are not those whose life is somehow magical. Happy people turn necessity into pleasure. OK, so they smile while cleaning the oven or doing the ironing. But they do everything else with gusto and goodwill.

Change involves courage and effort and preparedness to face discomfort. Love propels us up that hill. And breaking the silence starts the process. Do that. Talk to your wife, tell her how lonely you feel. And weather the discomfort of not getting along quite so smoothly while you continue to press your point home. It's not sex she's withholding. That's just the symptom. She's turned her back on love, and kindness, and due regard for your distress. Don't collude with the silence. Challenge it. Otherwise you remain invisible. Which robs your wife of the chance to really see you, and be loving.

I Long For Another Baby

Question

I'm a 40-year old mother of three young children. We are just about managing financially, we both work, and childcare is expensive. Having said all that, I am getting increasingly broody for another baby. I know this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and my husband does not want to hear of it. I know he is right and we should be very happy with the children we have and get on with our lives now.

Maybe hitting 40 made me realise that my baby days are over and I am mourning that fact. I find myself longing to hold a new-born, to touch the little hands and gaze at the beauty. My head tells me I should forget all this, but my heart sometimes aches for the feeling of being pregnant again, and giving birth, and creating something beautiful. Is this a normal part of growing older for a woman? How can I 'snap' myself out of this?

I think my husband is getting nervous about having sex with me in case I 'trick' him into a pregnancy. I wouldn't do that to him, or to our marriage. But I feel so lonely sometimes.

Answer
Telling someone to 'snap out of it' is unkind, if not actually offensive. It belittles the validity of feelings, denies the person's reality, and shuts down communication. It is also entirely ineffective. So stop being nasty to yourself. Feelings can only be changed, or eased, or dealt with, when we acknowledge them, and then start the process of putting them into perspective.

Everybody's situation is unique. There is no point in saying that someone with three children shouldn't want a fourth. Or that a woman of 40 shouldn't have a baby. Or that childcare is expensive. Or that another child would break the energy-bank. Or that we should be thankful for what we have. Or that babies shouldn't be born into tight financial situations. Such statements are simply noise, generalisation which mean absolutely nothing. Deep down we know that, and when we hear them, be it from ourselves or from others, we simply go silent. And the feelings stay.

Your feelings do make sense. It's life-affirming to want a baby. Of course we mourn the passing of various life-stages. At the very least we note them, acknowledge their passing. We miss the kids when they are gone. We miss the human comfort of cuddling babies when grandchildren emigrate with our children. We miss human touch when we lose a partner, particularly when we're older and that phase of life is done. And it's sad to face the advancing watershed, when babies are no longer a possibility.

It's not nice, but it's OK to feel broody and sad. Like all wishes, three things apply. Firstly, our wishes don't have to be fulfilled. Living with unfulfilled desires is part and parcel of maturity. You don't have to have a baby just because you feel you want one. Secondly, we can't saddle other people with the consequences of our wishes, can't override someone else's wishes in something so important. No, I know you wouldn't. I'm just reinforcing what you said. And in this your husband bears no blame. He just doesn't want what you feel you want. And by the sounds of it, he's not for turning. Thirdly, it sometimes suits us emotionally to put someone else in the role of policeman, the one who says no, we can't. That way we can indulge our thoughts, without taking responsibility for saying no to ourselves. Don't do that to your husband. Don't make him the baddie who is saying you can't have a baby. You already have all the arguments in your own head about why it wouldn't be a good idea. And you are a grown woman. It's up to you to be wise.

No, it's not easy. But saying goodbye is part and parcel of what we do, on a regular basis, right throughout our lives. And the sadness will pass.

Can't Forgive My Dying Husband

Question

My husband is terminally ill at present, and is not expected to live more than a couple of months. It has all happened so quickly that I am still reeling from the shock. So is my husband, who had no warning that something was wrong until 24 hours prior to diagnosis. He has undergone surgery, but there is no hope. My problem is this.

We've been married nearly 25 years, but our marriage has not been a happy one. In fact, the pain he caused me has resulted in emotional scarring that will live with me till I die. My husband was fully aware of this and I would think he deeply regretted his actions but never-the-less, I have been unable to overcome the hurt. He seemed to feel that I could just forget about it all and get on with life. Unfortunately it just did not go away and more than 15 years later, I still shed tears at the memory of what happened.

Last evening in hospital, my husband asked me to forgive him. Despite the fact that he is dying, I just cannot do that. I have stood by him over the years, supporting him when he needed support and even now visiting him twice a day and trying my best to do my duty as his wife. But there is no love left in me for him and it is purely my sense of duty which has kept things going over the years.

Do I let this man die, hoping I will not regret having forgiven him? Or do I forgive him and then regret having done so when he is gone? He has come between me and my God to the extent that there is absolutely no way I can pray now. I will carry this sadness with me until I die.

Answer
How terrible to carry such pain for so long. How crippling to live with that level of hurt and anger for fifteen years. What a burden to bear. I don't of course know what your husband did. I do know that your failure to move past it has blighted your life. And that's what matters here.

Your husband has raised the question of forgiveness. OK, so he did it, perhaps, for selfish reasons. He wants, maybe, to find a sense of peace. That's not the issue, frankly. What matters is the fact that you've now been handed a unique opportunity to free yourself. Because you are the one who has a future, a whole life still to lead. You have a choice. You can lay down your burden. Or you can choose to cry forever, which is a terrible thought.

Forgiveness is always for our own sake. Of course the person we forgive may feel much better knowing. But to forgive someone is actually a gift to ourselves. In fact, when you think about it, a lot of forgiveness remains in our own heads and hearts. We don't exactly go around telling people we've forgiven them for whatever transgression, big or small. We just quietly achieve a different perspective and move on. That's the first thing. Secondly, forgiving is not some form of words. You ask me if you'll regret having said it or not having said it. And I'm saying that's not the point. This isn't about whether you say some words to your husband, or fail to say them. It's about reaching a whole different emotional level. It's about freeing your soul.

Your question does show how angry you still are, and how focussed you are on your husband, rather than on yourself. What you're basically asking me is whether or not you should continue to punish him. Because that's what you've been doing all these years. Punishing him. No, I'm not saying that for his sake. I'm saying it for your sake. Anger is an awfully corrosive emotion to carry. Holding onto anger is also what victims do. It's one thing to see clearly that someone has done something wrong, and feel angry. That's a moral judgment. It's also a statement about our own self-worth. It's another thing entirely to remain stuck in the wound. Put bluntly, if what your husband did was so terrible, then dutifully staying and supporting him was the wrong thing to do. Do you understand? No matter what your reasons, it was a step too far, because it left you helplessly floundering, spiritually as well as emotionally.

There is a second scenario. What your husband did was wrong, but not insurmountable. You were right to stay. But you were wrong to allow the wound to fester. You nursed your anger, rather than having a series of battles to bring home to your husband the depth of your despair - and then letting go. Again this is victim behaviour. They feel helpless to fix things, either by leaving or by fighting for recognition of their hurt. Instead they alienate themselves even from their God. Your husband didn't make good, didn't make it up to you, didn't give you the consolation you so badly needed. But perhaps you made that impossible? At the end of the day no-one else can console us if we're not capable of consoling ourselves. You did your duty and suffered. What a punishment, not just of your husband, but of yourself.
You are still in shock, like you said. Give yourself some time. Then think, not of your husband, but of yourself. If you so wish, this tragic turn of events could carry within it a chance for you to reach a much kinder and gentler world. And maybe that's what your husband wants for you. Maybe he asked for forgiveness so that you could have a future.

My Wife Doesn't Fancy Me

Question

I'm sure I'm going to sound like some kind of cave man, someone who would be glad of any small compliment that might fall from the table of my wife. We are married 25 years, are both in our late-forties and both work hard to keep life - family, friends, children - all happy and close to us. At least I think we do.

Some years ago my wife started her own business, with my total agreement. In fact I was delighted for her and even supplied all the necessary funds for the start-up, renovated the building she rented, doing everything I could to help her be successful. Meanwhile, I am a self-employed builder, but also look after the house, the children, the whole domestic scene. My wife doesn't have to cook, clean or do any washing. I even make her breakfast before she leaves for work.

If I heard the words 'thank you' I might fall off the chair. Instead, all I hear is the door banging as she goes out. The only reason she might ring me during the day would be for a 999 call because she needs something urgently. If I ring, she always has a customer, or some hassle with an order, or is otherwise too busy to talk. Don't get me wrong. I love my wife to pieces, my heart misses a beat when she walks in, I sometimes just want to throw her up on my shoulder, carry her straight to bed and ravish her. But for her that would be a crazy thought. So I wouldn't embarrass myself by even suggesting an afternoon cuddle.

I have always had to make the sexual moves anyway. It has never yet been offered out of the blue. And it only happens once a week if I am lucky. If I try to push my luck, I get a very aggressive 'no'. It's a funny thing. I could have sex six days a week if I wanted to. As a small builder, most of the people I work for are women - well it's the women who are at home when the work is being done. And so many of them make explicit passes at me it's incredible. They are in and out of showers, hang around in their dressing gowns, leave their birth control pills on the bedside table, offer tea and intimate chats, and compliment me on my physique. I am fit, and I work out too.

There must be a gap of light years between men and women on the subject of sex. Being a man, I'm usually in awe of all the great-looking women I see in the supermarket. The country is full of them. But now I wonder how many of them are having sex with their husbands on a regular basis. In fact, I can't work it out. When I meet them while I'm working, they act seductively. But in their own bedrooms, with their own husbands, I'm not so sure. I mean, my wife is a real knockout too.

Other than that, our relationship is OK. But the business woman in her - and she is a very intelligent one at that - seems to have taken over. I am jealous and sad about losing the soft wife, mother, woman to the cold business-machine who comes home to me, and sometimes to the children. I've also learned that a man can't say too much on this topic to his wife. Constant rows about sex are exhausting and can involve a whole week of my wife not talking to me. On the other hand, I am sometimes terrified that I might take up one of the offers I regularly get from these other women, particularly when I'm at a low ebb.
Answer
No, you don't sound like a cave man - the bit about throwing her over your shoulder and carrying her off to bed sounds really romantic. Cave men aren't afraid of conflict. And they don't wait for breadcrumbs to fall from their wives' table. They fight their corner. You don't. You are an angry man who settles for fantasies instead.

Forget the sex for a moment. Your wife is not showing you proper respect. Sailing out the door without saying good-bye is just bad manners. So is the failure to be properly grateful. It's not that she's bringing her career-woman role into the home. The business world requires that she says please and thank you. She's just giving herself permission to be dismissive once she steps inside that door. That's not on.

You have to stand up for yourself. That means conquering your terror of confrontation. So she doesn't talk to you for a week. Big deal. It's a lot better than allowing her to think she can treat you ungraciously. And you know she's probably not even aware of it. To gain her respect, you have to stop taking the knocks. No, sex is not the place to start. This isn't about refusing to be sexy with you. It's about failing to see that you are really there.

This won't be fixed with one serious discussion.You're going to have to systematically teach your wife to respect you. You can do some of it with humour, asking where's the good-bye kiss, or where's the smile of thanks, or where's the funny story to light up your evening. You can also start doing less. She could make her own breakfast. Or you could miss one or two of her 999 calls. Or ask her to help. And then yes, there will be rows. No way round it.

My Husband Spends Too Much

Question

We are a married couple with five young children and both work very hard to keep up with the demands of family life and to weather the current economic crisis. My husband is a good man who prides himself on being a good provider and who takes every opportunity he can to make a bit of extra money.

He enjoys a few pints at the weekend and I generally have no problem with this as long as it doesn't mean the kids going without something they need, or the drink resulting in him being tired and cranky with us on Monday mornings. Lately, however, he is going out two or three nights over the weekend. We really can't afford this. His response is that a man is entitled to unwind and relax in the company of friends, and forget about the worries of the week.

I don't spend money foolishly on myself. I haven't bought any new clothes at all this year. I also have to budget for the back-to-school costs come September. We didn't have a proper holiday last year and certainly won't be having one this year. On the other hand, I hate nagging my husband about this. He does deserve a bit of a break at the weekends. But by the time a taxi is paid for at the end of the night, the costs of his nights out soon add up to a considerable sum of money each month.

I just wish that this money was put to better use for us all. But how do I handle this without constantly coming across as a nagging wife?

Answer
It sounds as though you're managing the money. Certainly you're taking the responsibility for seeing to the family's needs. So while your husband is the one who is out there earning the cash, he's also the one who is removed from financial reality. By taking responsibility, you're allowing him to hide. It is good that you appreciate his role as breadwinner. It is not good that you take the next step and facilitate his selfishness by juggling with the budget, all on your own.

I do not wish to knock you. But by trying to be good, you've helped create the situation where you come across as the nagging wife. You have taken the role of the grown-up, the mature one, the forward-planner, the worrier, while your husband has retreated into childishness. And it's not just that you juggle the money alone. Think about it. Why have you bought no new clothes this year? Sure, your husband works hard. But so do you. And while he does deserve a break, which for him is a few pints, so do you. How come then, that you do without?

Let me put it more provocatively. Why are you so damn grateful that your husband earns money? He has a wife and five children. Working is what he's supposed to do. The fact that he does his duty in terms of bringing home a pay-check doesn't mean he can dodge his duty on other fronts. You and he are partners, two grown-up people keeping a family together, loving their children, supporting each other, a team. Of course you should respect him. But your husband should respect you too. There is no place in any marriage for selfishness. That is most particularly true when the budget is tight.

Stop mothering your husband and start allowing him to regain reality. Sit down and work out a budget together. You can supply the details, since you're on top of them. But he has to see them, and discuss targets, and how to reach them. Those targets must include disposable income, however, small, for your own personal needs. Writing yourself out of the equation is just another way of playing mama. And everything must be out on the table. A few drinks on say a Saturday night may be fine. But why not a bus home instead of a taxi? It's all up for grabs.

Finally, all of us need to make a clear distinction between deserving something, and having it as a right. Your husband does deserve a break - in the sense that it would seem fair that he should have some time out. He has no absolute right to a break. He can't spend money at the expense of you having nothing to spend, or you worrying about school clothes, or you having no break. Do you understand? His need to relax must be balanced by your need to relax. Otherwise you are back to being the mama, while he is needy child. And then you're the nagging wife, when the child gets more demanding, and one night out becomes three, and he drinks too much, leaving him tired and bad-tempered on a Monday morning.