Question
We are a married couple with five young children and both work very hard to keep up with the demands of family life and to weather the current economic crisis. My husband is a good man who prides himself on being a good provider and who takes every opportunity he can to make a bit of extra money.
He enjoys a few pints at the weekend and I generally have no problem with this as long as it doesn't mean the kids going without something they need, or the drink resulting in him being tired and cranky with us on Monday mornings. Lately, however, he is going out two or three nights over the weekend. We really can't afford this. His response is that a man is entitled to unwind and relax in the company of friends, and forget about the worries of the week.
I don't spend money foolishly on myself. I haven't bought any new clothes at all this year. I also have to budget for the back-to-school costs come September. We didn't have a proper holiday last year and certainly won't be having one this year. On the other hand, I hate nagging my husband about this. He does deserve a bit of a break at the weekends. But by the time a taxi is paid for at the end of the night, the costs of his nights out soon add up to a considerable sum of money each month.
I just wish that this money was put to better use for us all. But how do I handle this without constantly coming across as a nagging wife?
Answer
It sounds as though you're managing the money. Certainly you're taking the responsibility for seeing to the family's needs. So while your husband is the one who is out there earning the cash, he's also the one who is removed from financial reality. By taking responsibility, you're allowing him to hide. It is good that you appreciate his role as breadwinner. It is not good that you take the next step and facilitate his selfishness by juggling with the budget, all on your own.
I do not wish to knock you. But by trying to be good, you've helped create the situation where you come across as the nagging wife. You have taken the role of the grown-up, the mature one, the forward-planner, the worrier, while your husband has retreated into childishness. And it's not just that you juggle the money alone. Think about it. Why have you bought no new clothes this year? Sure, your husband works hard. But so do you. And while he does deserve a break, which for him is a few pints, so do you. How come then, that you do without?
Let me put it more provocatively. Why are you so damn grateful that your husband earns money? He has a wife and five children. Working is what he's supposed to do. The fact that he does his duty in terms of bringing home a pay-check doesn't mean he can dodge his duty on other fronts. You and he are partners, two grown-up people keeping a family together, loving their children, supporting each other, a team. Of course you should respect him. But your husband should respect you too. There is no place in any marriage for selfishness. That is most particularly true when the budget is tight.
Stop mothering your husband and start allowing him to regain reality. Sit down and work out a budget together. You can supply the details, since you're on top of them. But he has to see them, and discuss targets, and how to reach them. Those targets must include disposable income, however, small, for your own personal needs. Writing yourself out of the equation is just another way of playing mama. And everything must be out on the table. A few drinks on say a Saturday night may be fine. But why not a bus home instead of a taxi? It's all up for grabs.
Finally, all of us need to make a clear distinction between deserving something, and having it as a right. Your husband does deserve a break - in the sense that it would seem fair that he should have some time out. He has no absolute right to a break. He can't spend money at the expense of you having nothing to spend, or you worrying about school clothes, or you having no break. Do you understand? His need to relax must be balanced by your need to relax. Otherwise you are back to being the mama, while he is needy child. And then you're the nagging wife, when the child gets more demanding, and one night out becomes three, and he drinks too much, leaving him tired and bad-tempered on a Monday morning.
