Question
After 15 years of marriage I am absolutely heartbroken. I thought I had married the love of my life, my soul-mate. Since the birth of my second child ten years ago - we had two in very quick succession - our lives have not been the same. My husband has not been emotionally available to me. He does not set any time aside to talk to me or be with me. I have asked for this, but to no avail. We rarely go out. I've asked for this too, but he instigates nothing. However, he jumps at the opportunity to go out with friends. There is no communication, no connection, no feeling, no intimacy.
I began to get suspicious and started to 'police our relationship' and eventually found very explicit porn on his computer three years ago. He claimed it had been sent, unsolicited, but this didn't stop him watching it. I completely lost it, as my children also used his computer. I deleted it, but then found social networking accounts, face-book contacts, the list is endless. The rows were endless too, but he simply denied all responsibility, although he did admit to watching porn in hotel rooms while on business trips abroad.
He used to go to bed very late and I finally found out that he was watching even more porn. One night I caught him masturbating while watching two lesbians making out and I flew into a terrible rage. I am not sexually repressed but very liberal and open to anything, but he chooses not to discuss the sexual aspect of our lives. I organised counselling and we attended for a couple of months. My husband promised he would change his ways but nothing has moved. We are at a standstill. All I get are excuses. He blames me. Our life is a battlefield.
He is exceptionally narcissistic in his views of himself but is verbally abusive and attempts to drag me through the mud when his own views don't predominate. I ask hard and frank questions, but there is no clarity in his responses. It's a case of just going through the motions, not communicating, and never keeping any of the promises he has made. I am tired, exhausted in fact, and lonely, on the road to nowhere, and surrounded by a wall of silence. Except for the joy my children bring. My family never approved of him and I now think they were right. Our values are completely different.
I want and need more in order to make my life worth living. I cannot bear the loneliness and isolation anymore. I desperately want to feel and experience happiness and love. I have so much more to give to someone who will respect me and accept me for who I am. It's the end of the road for me. I cannot do this anymore. I need help.
Answer
There are different ways of leaving a marriage. One of them is to absent yourself emotionally. Your husband has done that. More specifically, he has withdrawn his sexual energy and diverted it into pornography. He has retreated into himself, preferring masturbation with screen images, to sex with another live and present human being, specifically you. I don't know why that happened.XXX But sexual withdrawal like this in a marriage is never just about sex. Your husband is at war with you.
You know that already. I'm just reinforcing the point. Sexual withdrawal is not the problem, however painful it may be for you. It is a symptom. Or rather, it is a message. Your husband is rejecting you. Just as he rejects your company by refusing to organise nights out together, or by jumping at the chance to meet his mates, or staying silent when in your presence.
He hasn't, of course, disentangled himself emotionally. Otherwise he'd have left HOME long ago. This battle with you is feeding him at some important psychological level. Maybe he needs you to kick him out. Maybe he needs the constant experience of seeing you suffer. Maybe he enjoys a sense of power by tying your energy down in constant battle. Maybe deep down he hopes to win. Maybe he still hopes you love him. After all, you haven't left yet either.
Ranting at your husband about pornography, or emotional desertion, will get you nowhere. You need to examine your own psyche, look at the reasons why you're still in there. Why are you still battling? What do you get out of your marriage? Have you low self-esteem, believing deep down that this is as good as it gets for you? Are you afraid of being single? Do you feed on being married to someone who is designated as not good enough for you? In some awful unhappy part of yourself does this battle have some kind of meaning for you? Are you still hoping he'll love you?
No, I am not saying you should end your marriage. I am saying you should delve into your own psyche and see what's going on. This marriage is being kept alive by two people. Concentrating on your husband leaves you lost in the land of angry guess-work. out about yourself. Then you'll know what to do.
