Question
It's taken me some time to make myself sit and write this, as I know it's me admitting what's wrong.
I'm a young, extremely successful young woman, for whom everything seems to have fallen into place. I have a fantastic career, I travel widely, I have a wonderful group of friends both male and female, and a great social life. I grew up in a great, secure, happy family and would be very close to my relations. I'm regularly told how attractive I am and never have any difficulties attracting attention from men. I've had regular boyfriends over the years and always have regular dates. Even writing this I feel guilty as I know I have it so good.
Inside, I hate myself. I'm bulimic, and have been since I was about 12 years old. I don't binge as such, I just eat a normal regular diet, but I abuse laxatives and constantly make myself sick after eating. I exercise excessively, and push myself hard. I really don't know what to do or where to turn. I keep telling myself I'll stop, but I know I can't. Everyone keeps telling me I'm so lucky to have it all. But I don't. I truly hate who I am. I've worked hard in every other aspect of my life to make something of myself, yet hate who I am.
I was overweight in my early teens and never got any attention from boys. All the other girls were slim and happy and had boyfriends and I was so jealous. I struggled with weight and with bulimia before losing a huge amount of weight. This was shortly before going to college. And college changed everything. Suddenly boys fancied me and from then on I've never had a problem attracting men. But I messed around, hurt a lot of people, and hurt myself by being with boys I shouldn't have been with. It's something I hugely regret now, but I have learned from it.
I've been hurt badly in the last year by ex-boyfriends and by some friends. I desperately seek a boyfriend as I feel so much more secure when I have someone. But I know I will never let them truly in, and that's caused boys in the past to end things. But I have learned who my true friends are and they are fantastic. I'm learning to open up and talk to them more, but I can't tell them just how bad I feel. I'm the one everyone turns to for help, but when I'm feeling low I don't turn to anyone.
I want to be the happy, confident, fun person I pretend to be. I don't want people to tell me how jealous they are of my life when in truth they don't have a clue. It would hurt my friends and family so much if they knew just how lonely and lost I feel right now. I don't want to live like this forever. It scares me that I'll never like myself. I'm also frightened about the long-term damage I could be doing myself with my bulimia. I don't know who to turn to.
Answer
Hold on just one minute. You're painting yourself into a corner. The way you tell this story - the fairy-tale upbringing, the close family, the intelligence and good looks - makes it sound as though you had the perfect life - and screwed up. You're making out that you're the baddie. Stop it.
I'll put it simply. If a 12-year old is so unhappy that she starts making herself sick after eating, and nobody apparently notices, then she's not living in a fairy-tale family setting. She's in trouble. And that trouble is not of her own, wilful, making. Do you understand? I'm not trying to blame others. I'm trying to stop you blaming yourself. This isn't about blaming anyway, it's about understanding. Sure, it could have been peer pressure, in other words an outside influence, which started the whole mess with the weight. That's not the point. All kids have peer pressure. How they handle it - particularly when still a young child - has to do with the support they get from within the family.
That said, I don't believe we're just talking peer pressure here. Look how you drive yourself and strive for perfection. Look how you insist that you can't burden your family or friends with the extent of your unhappiness. Look how you believe you have to be the bright star, the successful story, the ideal young woman. Look how you cling to boyfriends, but don't let them into your heart. Look at how vulnerable you are. Look at how you hate yourself. The seeds for all that were sown long before you hit 12 years of age. We're not talking peer pressure here, we're talking family dynamics.
Bulimia, like any other addiction, has to be tackled at a behavioural level. It has to stop. Alcoholics join the AA or attend a counsellor. You need to do the same. Check the telephone directory, or ask your GP or someone in the know about organisations like Bodywhys, because yes, of course, you'll damage your health if you continue. More importantly, the cycle of self-destruction, born of self-hatred, has to be broken. In psychological jargon, as long as we 'act out', we can avoid facing the true triggers of our distress.
I also think you badly need to see a therapist. There's a basic question you need to answer for yourself, which can be put in several ways. Why do you believe you have to be perfect in order to be loved? Why do you feel that the connection to your family and friends is so tenuous that it would not survive you telling it like it truly is? Why, in short, do you have to live a lie? I'm not saying the answers are easy to find. I am saying you have to learn to recognise what your belief system is, and then set about challenging it.
