Question
My sister-in-law got married last year. She has now been diagnosed with depression, and it appears she has been in a continuous state of depression for a number of years prior to the diagnosis.
During the time I have known her, I felt that, at times, she was miles away, distracted, disoriented even. And while she was pleasant in company, she sometimes looked unhappy when caught off-guard. But I would never have described her as being overly sad - or overly happy for that matter. Laid-back instead of happy, perhaps, and apathetic rather than sad, would have been my description.
My question is, could she have fallen in love, got engaged and got married while in this depressed state? And if not, what will happen when she is cured? I mean, did she merely drift along emotionally into marriage, or could she possibly have had genuinely loving feelings for her partner while depressed.
Answer
That's an interesting question, both in itself and in the fact that you ask it. What I'm wondering about is the relationship you have with your sister-in-law - because people never ask me theoretical, or academic, questions. But let's look at depression first.
It comes in several sizes. It can be so severe that the person is psychotic, which simply means out of touch with reality, imagining things if you like. It can be crippling, with a degree of exhaustion that makes it impossible to get out of bed. It can sensitise us to physical pain, numb emotions, freeze the mind into unhappy fuzziness. Sometimes it simply entails a pervasive bleakness, or the absence of all joy, where life is a daily grind of relentless, unrewarding effort. It can affect mind, heart and body - together or separately and to varying degree. Depression can also come and go.
Decisions can, of course, be made. Some are catastrophic, born of skewed sense of reality, like thinking a baby would be better off dead. Some are heartbreaking, like suicide. Some are just plain disasterous. Think of a widow selling up and moving to heavens only knows where while still grieving, or mistakenly thinking a quick second marriage might ease the pain. And some decisions, of course, are life-savers, like seeking help, or deep down having the wit to find the man of your dreams.
At this stage I'd say you're screaming. Because what I think you really wanted to know is whether or not your sister-in-law is a fraud. No need to be unhappy if this is the case. Depression in others drives us wild because it can seem so arbitrary. There's no definite diagnostic test either, no reading of a blood sample, or brain scan, which tells us it's really there. We just have to take a person's word for it, basically, and work around that. Certainly some symptoms are obvious. Many are not. Nor is the outcome predictable. There is no time-scale. It all depends.
I'd say what you need to do is butt out. Perhaps the family is making a huge fuss. Certainly your sister-in-law's depression is currently featuring pretty large in your life. Get it in perspective. Be supportive where you can. Don't get sucked in beyond a point that is reasonable. She has a husband and a family. And try and keep your opinions to yourself. The truth or otherwise of your sister-in-law's depression is not something you need to solve. It's not an argument you need to win, with anybody.
Depression is very real. Its extent is also often hidden. We do well to be kind and generous.
