Question
I'm in a very weird situation. Three years ago I met a man who was perfect in every way. We hit it off almost immediately and a friendship blossomed. The catch …… both of us were married. He had an adopted son, while I had no children.
Maybe what brought us so close was the common factor of children. I always wanted to have kids, but my husband didn't, even though we were married over twelve years. Partly because of that, and partly because we were so different in our personalities, the marriage had well and truly broken down before I met this man. His story was that his wife couldn't have children, he longed for them, and forcefully adopted a small boy, very much against his wife's real wishes. Their relationship had broken down too, the only point of communication being the little boy.
We live in different cities, so we shared a long-distance relationship, meeting about twice a month. But over the two years we found we had so much in common, it was like we were soul-mates. And then I got pregnant. There was no way I was going to get rid of the baby - and he didn't want me to either. We were both elated. All through the pregnancy we dreamed of how, once the baby was born, we would separate from our spouses and build a life together. In the meantime my husband moved out. Our relationship had broken down completely.
The child is here. She is now seven months old. When my boyfriend went to tell his wife about me and the baby, she was shocked, though she had suspected he was seeing someone. She just didn't think there would be a child involved. She threatened him, saying she would move away with the adopted son and he would never be allowed to see him again, if he tried to set up home with me.
My boyfriend loves his son as much as he loves our daughter and we had hoped we would be able to integrate him into our lives, so that he didn't suffer unduly. But when my boyfriend's wife started to blackmail him about their son, my boyfriend decided to stay put for the child's sake. I know it's killing him because he really loves me and our daughter. And it's killing me, because I really love him and want our daughter to know her dad. I was even prepared to live with the fact that he stayed with his wife, as long as he played a role in our lives too. But his wife won't have any of it.
I'm not sure if we've actually broken up yet, but he is minimizing contact with me. I have been needy and clingy and calling and pleading. I decided to stop doing that, and he immediately rang me, saying he was worried about me, and that he loved me. He loves our daughter and cries because he's away from her. Yet he isn't standing up for her. And I haven't seen him in two months.
I'm not sure what my situation is, except that it's an absolute mess. I don't know whether I should just let him go, and move on myself, or whether I should try to convince him that this way he wont achieve happiness for anyone - not his wife, nor himself and certainly not for me - and both children will continue to feel the brunt of it all. I have never spoken to anyone about this.
Answer
Your degree of isolation sounds quite shocking. I mean if you've never spoken to anyone about your situation, how do you explain the presence of your baby daughter? I do sincerely hope I've got it wrong, and you only mean that you haven't explained to family and friends exactly what is going on with your lover. Either way, could I strongly suggest that you find someone to confide in. This is far too much for anyone to handle on their own. Small wonder you were needy and clingy and trying to get a response from this man. Any lone mother of a young baby is needy. Don't knock yourself for being so. Just get that support you definitely need.
I do not wish to sound harsh. But you do know, in your heart, that such support will not come from this man. Whatever the true circumstances, he's made his choice. He's staying in his marriage. More, he's refusing to take any responsibility for your child. Maybe he's crying. But he's certainly not standing up for her - just as you said. On the contrary, he's distancing himself. He has left you both. That is the awful reality.
His happiness is not your responsibility. The welfare of your child is - and of course your own well-being too. I know it's currently fashionable to argue that a child needs to know her dad. I think that depends. The amount of effort you would have to put into getting this man on-side really doesn't seem worth it. He lives in a different city, he was never part of any real social circle with you, he's staying married and he doesn't want to know. Do you really have the energy to fight against such overwhelming odds? And even if you battered him into some kind of involvement, would it be any kind of real parenting? Would he be a worthwhile dad? I don't think so.
Move on. You have a child, and a future. That's where you should put your energy. You need to build up a safe and secure social framework for the two of you, reach out for emotional support, find practical ways of combining the demands of child-rearing and money earning, and see this man for what he truly is. At best he's a fantasist, who conceived a child without any thought for the reality of his situation, namely that he had commitments to a child already. At worst he's a liar, and it suits him to argue that his wife is blackmailing him. And somewhere in-between he's a coward. That's not husband, or father material. That's a waste of time.
