Question
I'm in a dark and difficult place. I'm married 25 years to a great guy, we have three children, jobs we like, and a decent happy life. Or we did until about a year ago. At that point it became obvious that my sister-in-law was excluding us from family gatherings she hosted. When my husband asked his mother what was going on, she explained that it was the result of something that happened nearly 40 years ago. Apparently my husband, who was then in his early teens, managed to look at his sister-in-law's naked body. She was about 10 at the time. There was no touching or anything else involved. We are all in our fifties at this stage.
Now we are pariahs. My husband has apologised any number of times over the years. It's like ground-hog day with the apologies. I spend my time crying in private about the prospects of a court case. I am so angry with my sister-in-law. Why couldn't she accept the apologies? I can't forgive or forget what she's done. I've been to counselling, but it hasn't helped. I'm completely worn out by it all. I don't know where to turn.
Answer I can't, of course, say anything about a pending court case. I do think you should clear that question up with your solicitor. Can someone really put a case together forty years after the event - an event which happened when both parties were so young? I mean, is this just a threat on your sister-in-law's part? You need a realistic assessment from a professional. We fret less when we know what we have to face.
I'm not sure you are actually pariahs. As you tell it, you are only excluded when your sister-in-law organises a family get-together. The rest of the family are probably trying to steer a calm path through troubled waters and hold everything together. No, it's not nice, but family fights are sort of par for the course aren't they, generally speaking I mean? You don't have to feel so wounded. It's one incredibly vindictive middle-aged woman being a drama queen. It happens. Your husband has said he's sorry for any hurt caused. He has to stop apologising now. It's only perpetuating the silliness. It's also undignified.
Your distress feeds your sister-in-law's recently discovered grievance. Stop showing it. Stop giving her so much power. You and your husband have been blessed with a lovely life. Protect it. Enjoy it. So she has her family feasts and you're not there. Big deal. Who in their right mind would want to be anywhere near such an immature and nasty woman, who's clearly milking a politically-correct issue for all it's worth?
At one level, of course, you have to take this seriously. A detailed session with a lawyer would solve that, like I said. And then you have to show you can't be bullied - because that, of course, is what's happening right now.
