Question
I'm sure I'm going to sound like some kind of cave man, someone who would be glad of any small compliment that might fall from the table of my wife. We are married 25 years, are both in our late-forties and both work hard to keep life - family, friends, children - all happy and close to us. At least I think we do.
Some years ago my wife started her own business, with my total agreement. In fact I was delighted for her and even supplied all the necessary funds for the start-up, renovated the building she rented, doing everything I could to help her be successful. Meanwhile, I am a self-employed builder, but also look after the house, the children, the whole domestic scene. My wife doesn't have to cook, clean or do any washing. I even make her breakfast before she leaves for work.
If I heard the words 'thank you' I might fall off the chair. Instead, all I hear is the door banging as she goes out. The only reason she might ring me during the day would be for a 999 call because she needs something urgently. If I ring, she always has a customer, or some hassle with an order, or is otherwise too busy to talk. Don't get me wrong. I love my wife to pieces, my heart misses a beat when she walks in, I sometimes just want to throw her up on my shoulder, carry her straight to bed and ravish her. But for her that would be a crazy thought. So I wouldn't embarrass myself by even suggesting an afternoon cuddle.
I have always had to make the sexual moves anyway. It has never yet been offered out of the blue. And it only happens once a week if I am lucky. If I try to push my luck, I get a very aggressive 'no'. It's a funny thing. I could have sex six days a week if I wanted to. As a small builder, most of the people I work for are women - well it's the women who are at home when the work is being done. And so many of them make explicit passes at me it's incredible. They are in and out of showers, hang around in their dressing gowns, leave their birth control pills on the bedside table, offer tea and intimate chats, and compliment me on my physique. I am fit, and I work out too.
There must be a gap of light years between men and women on the subject of sex. Being a man, I'm usually in awe of all the great-looking women I see in the supermarket. The country is full of them. But now I wonder how many of them are having sex with their husbands on a regular basis. In fact, I can't work it out. When I meet them while I'm working, they act seductively. But in their own bedrooms, with their own husbands, I'm not so sure. I mean, my wife is a real knockout too.
Other than that, our relationship is OK. But the business woman in her - and she is a very intelligent one at that - seems to have taken over. I am jealous and sad about losing the soft wife, mother, woman to the cold business-machine who comes home to me, and sometimes to the children. I've also learned that a man can't say too much on this topic to his wife. Constant rows about sex are exhausting and can involve a whole week of my wife not talking to me. On the other hand, I am sometimes terrified that I might take up one of the offers I regularly get from these other women, particularly when I'm at a low ebb.
Answer
No, you don't sound like a cave man - the bit about throwing her over your shoulder and carrying her off to bed sounds really romantic. Cave men aren't afraid of conflict. And they don't wait for breadcrumbs to fall from their wives' table. They fight their corner. You don't. You are an angry man who settles for fantasies instead.
Forget the sex for a moment. Your wife is not showing you proper respect. Sailing out the door without saying good-bye is just bad manners. So is the failure to be properly grateful. It's not that she's bringing her career-woman role into the home. The business world requires that she says please and thank you. She's just giving herself permission to be dismissive once she steps inside that door. That's not on.
You have to stand up for yourself. That means conquering your terror of confrontation. So she doesn't talk to you for a week. Big deal. It's a lot better than allowing her to think she can treat you ungraciously. And you know she's probably not even aware of it. To gain her respect, you have to stop taking the knocks. No, sex is not the place to start. This isn't about refusing to be sexy with you. It's about failing to see that you are really there.
This won't be fixed with one serious discussion.You're going to have to systematically teach your wife to respect you. You can do some of it with humour, asking where's the good-bye kiss, or where's the smile of thanks, or where's the funny story to light up your evening. You can also start doing less. She could make her own breakfast. Or you could miss one or two of her 999 calls. Or ask her to help. And then yes, there will be rows. No way round it.
