Question
I am a 36 year old married mother of three pre-school children. We are both working, enduring the economic changes, but lucky in that we both have jobs which seem secure. We have the normal financial worries but hopefully we will weather the storm.
I have one concern, which is making me very unhappy. My husband has lost all interest in me sexually. I know this affects many marriages from time to time, but the reason I talked about our financial situation was to show that we have no new stress in our lives. Our children were born close together and early in our marriage, we enjoyed a very passionate and loving time together and they were welcomed very much. Obviously they take up all of our time, and we enjoy family life. We are lucky that the children are in a routine, sleep well and are healthy.
When I was pregnant with the last child we only had sex about four times. This was because my husband showed little interest. Since the birth, 18 months ago, we've maybe had sex another four times, and that's it. I have tried to talk to my husband about it, but he just brushes me off and I feel silly for raising the subject. I put on weight as a result of the pregnancies but have started the process of losing it again and hope to lose the last six kilos by the summer. I know my husband finds 'fat' women unattractive and regularly comments on women's size while watching TV etc.
I feel so ugly and down about myself. I know losing weight is the right thing to do for my health, but it hurts that he rejected me. I am an attractive woman, there are many women bigger than I am, I lost my figure through pregnancy, compounded by lack of time to concentrate on myself – not because I was lazy or sat around doing nothing. We made the babies together, and I carried them and brought them into the world and have happily given my life over to their care. Now I feel my husband is punishing me for the 'side-effects'. He is a good father, he works hard, and is a good man, but I feel very alone at the moment.
This is not a problem I can discuss with my sisters or friends. My best friend's husband had an affair some years ago and I know that thought is in my head. I'm afraid the same thing could happen to us.
Answer
What you need right now are strong comforting arms around you. Sadly I can't give you that. Instead, I have to tread on seriously touchy terrain in order to help. So please try and hear what I'm saying, rather than retreating into an even deeper sense of hurt and despair. Will you do that for me?
I don't know what's going on in your husband's head or heart. And of course it doesn't help that he won't discuss it. But maybe he doesn't know what's wrong himself, at least not consciously. Maybe he feels ashamed of the way he feels. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt you by sounding harsh. The point is, I don't believe it's as simple as being turned off because you gained weight. It has to be about some emotional response to your pregnancy, particularly the last one. Maybe he felt overwhelmed. Maybe he felt displaced. He had married a sexy wife. Now he found himself in a marriage with a busy and devoted mother. No, none of this is your fault. And yes, of course, in an ideal world your husband would be made of sterner stuff. The point is, he's not. A wise wife takes account of that, without feeling guilty or responsible.
One thing you said is particularly important. You explained that you happily gave over your life to the care of your kids. And it was the demands of that life-style which left you little time to think about yourself. I can see that. Three small children, a full-time job and a home to run – that's a lot of work. And you're clearly both good parents. But with such a busy schedule, it's easy to lose sight of a husband. And it's even easier to lose sight of yourself as a young, attractive, sexy woman. You did. You've told me so yourself.
No, I'm not piling on the guilt. I'm trying to give you the emotional and intellectual equipment to feel less vulnerable and threatened. Your husband is not rejecting you. He's struggling emotionally with the transition from a love affair to co-parenting. I know modern young women find it hard to accept, but the relationship between husband and wife not only has to come first, but has to be tended, carefully – with some men, because of their emotional make-up, this is even more acutely necessary. The marital relationship is the corner-stone on which the family is built. And I'm not just talking sex here. I'm talking about affection, attention, due regard, showing interest, having grown up man and woman time together. And yes, being sexy too.
For you, it's vital that you disentangle weight-loss from feelings of fear about being abandoned, or anger at perceived rejection. Yes, you do have to lose excess weight, but not because of your health, or because you feel anxious about a husband who might wander. You need to reclaim yourself as a woman. You need to prioritize your appearance, your intellectual interests, your need for time-out – all the things that tell the truth, namely that you are much more than a mother. And you have to do it for yourself. Do you understand?
A general comment, just to set the social context.: Sexual desire does not necessarily, or always easily, withstand too much reality. This may be particularly true of men – although women don't actually fancy men who abandon the stiff upper lip, reveal their trembling inner selves, and go all whingey do they? In concrete terms, domesticity can drown lust, parenting can put desire in the back bedroom, mother and lover can seem mutually exclusive. We all need a little magic. Take care of yourself.
