Question
I'm a 22 year-old college student with seemingly everything going for me. I'm happy with my course, get good results, have loads of friends, and have a CV chocker-block full of achievements, academic and otherwise. Without wanting to sound 'cocky' I've always been told that I'm very good-looking and have no confidence issues with my looks. On paper I appear practically perfect. My state of mind, however, is far from perfect. I feel I'm becoming a burden on my closest friends and need an objective opinion as I constantly have issues to do with men, which are getting me down.
I have many close male friends and get on great with them. The problem is with non-friends, whom I really like. I've no shortage of male admirers, but my normal reaction has been to ignore a guy I really like and act indifferent. I never wanted to appear eager for fear of rejection. Maybe this is the result of my parents' tumultuous relationship when I was growing up, I don't know. I sometimes resented my father's old school attitude towards my stay-at-home mother and the constant rows, upsets and walk-outs.
Whatever the reason for it, my behaviour has resulted in a lot of rejection.
Last week a boy I really like said our relationship was going nowhere, that it wasn't serious. That's my fault. Other boys said I came across as cold, and told me my behaviour could be very problematic. You see, I've never wanted to be one of those girls who throws themselves at men and is ridiculed by people behind her back. But a few friends have told me that I come across indifferent, even though I really liked those boys. I did try to be friendlier, which was quite difficult considering my lack of confidence with these guys, but it was too late. The fact that I appear so confident doesn't help. These guys see me as a “bitch” who thinks she can have anyone, and is just playing with them. Yet the opposite is true. I like them so much, but fear being around them in case they might see the real me. I feel so down about this, crying a lot and generally feeling worthless.
Answer
You've diagnosed yourself. You are scared of rejection, so you don't let the boys get close. You even know why, in broad terms anyway. Your parents' relationship didn't seem secure. Certainly they approached their differences in a very immature fashion. Your mother in particular seemed one-down to you. So you feared the fragility of relationships, and the fragility of women in particular. Chances are, your parents were also immature in their parenting, leaving you doubly insecure.
Keeping an artificial distance doesn't help - as you now know. The threat lies within you, that fear of helplessness once you care for a man. The challenge, therefore, is to let go your desperate desire to control things. Or rather, learning to control them in a different way. Think about it. You like a boy. You smile, and chat to him at the bar, or dance with him at a gig. He suggests a date and you say yes. He knows you like him. You have not lost control. You can, at any point, challenge what he's doing, or not doing. Caring doesn't mean putting up with bad behaviour. You are not helpless. You can shape the way the relationship goes. Try it, taking tiny steps. And go see the college counsellor, to talk things through.
