Question
My wife and I have been together for 10 years and have a very good relationship and three lovely children. One aspect of our relationship that has always been a problem is sex. I am the one who always initiates it and quite often I get pushed away as though I was somehow not normal. Obviously on rare occasions I get a response but that is the exception rather than the rule. I know some of the questions you may have for me, such as whether or not I share my wife's workload around the house, or whether we enjoy nights out together, things like that. And the fact is that I think I am supportive and we have a good social life. The problem is sexual desire. Even when we are on holidays together and away from day to day stresses, she is still not interested.
I used to accept this as normal until one day recently I overheard a work colleague telling another woman about her plans to seduce her husband with a new sexy dress she had bought for a night out. If my wife ever unzipped her dress in front of me it would come as a complete shock. However, until I heard this girl talking, I was assuming that every married couple had more or less the same sex life as we did.
I have considered looking somewhere else for sexual gratification and while I'm no Jude Law, I still have had plenty of opportunities. But I am very much in love with my wife and know that the short-term benefit would not be worth the heartache I would cause by seeing someone else.
Answer
I wonder if you tell your wife any of this? I know when it comes to sex, no-one wants mere duty. Emotional closeness is what we seek, togetherness, shared intimacy. So it's hard to approach a wife or husband who simply isn't interested. We feel vulnerable. It hurts.
But if we say nothing, we leave the other person ignorant of how unhappy we are.
Absence of desire doesn't mean your wife must say no. In fact her lack of desire is not the driving force in your almost non-existent love life. What's wrong is the fact that she feels free to ignore your need. She feels free to push you away. Why? Do you take it on the chin and say nothing? Are you afraid of rocking the boat in what is otherwise a very comfortable marriage? Are you a peace at almost any price man, afraid of confrontation? Have you difficulty in saying what you need? Has she, in fact, no real clue about your level of despair?
The reality is that no matter how much we love someone, we still have to put down markers about what we want and don't want. Yes, it's tricky, but it has to be done. We must, in other words, walk that fine line between bullying and being a victim, whose needs are not attended to. It takes courage and tact and we won't always get it right. We owe it to our relationship to try.
Actual sexual desire is only one element in sex. There is also the desire to be close to your husband, or wife, to let them know they are cherished. There is the desire to please. There is the desire for marital harmony. There is the desire to give and get love, to display emotional generosity, to be kind. There is the desire to respect the person you're married to.
Try talking to your wife. Rather than just saying you need sex, tell her you feel put down, ignored, disrespected. Don't you see? By challenging the status quo you give her the opportunity to see how harsh she is being. Like I said, we all have to put down markers in a relationship, on a whole lot of fronts, sometimes including sex. I think even saints need to be told from time to time what's what, however gently. Emotional blindness is part of the human condition.
