Question
Yesterday, as our daughter left to spend ten days with my sister, she announced to me that she is gay. As we literally only had minutes before she had to go, I hugged her, told her that I loved her, and said we would talk about it when she got home. She's due back shortly and I'm scared about how to handle the situation, what to say. She is 15 years old, but has led a very sheltered life. My husband and I were both quite young when she was born and we fear she is still suffering the consequences of our early immature parenting.
Basically I feel she is too young to make such a radical decision. She doesn't even know any boys her own age, let alone know that she isn't attracted to them. Recently she has been spending a lot of time alone in her room with her computer. I'm worried she has made this decision based on things she has found on the internet. I would like to tell her that she can make an informed decision when she is older, and that we will support and love her no matter what. But for the next few years, I'd like to say, she should just mix with girls and boys, enjoy life, and not worry about her sexual orientation. Is that a good way to go?
I don't want my daughter to make a decision now that could rule out things she may decide too late that she wants - like a husband and children. She is a quiet and nervous girl, and very shy with people she doesn't know. I feel she needs to socialise more. How do I encourage her to do this? She isn't sporty, has no interest in clothes or shopping. I'm worried.
Answer
Children certainly know how to choose their moments. And you managed a difficult situation really well. You are a loving and kind mother. You are going to handle this. Just be prepared for the fact that your daughter will probably breeze in the door talking about anything other than the little bomb-shell she dropped as she said goodbye. Or perhaps she'll be in non-communicative mode, leaving you working hard at finding out how her holiday went, while both of you ignore the elephant in the room, namely your unfinished conversation. Or perhaps she'll even behave totally out of character and charge through the door insisting you continue that conversation, there and then.
I think you, not she, should choose the moment. This is a very serious matter. But it must not become a drama. Nor should you be forced into responding at an unsuitable moment, like just before Sunday lunch, or while younger children are watching a video in the living room next door, or whatever. How you respond is as important as what you say. Your daughter is only allowed one shot at emergency mode. She's already taken that. Calmness and a steady pace should now dictate the discussion. But don't dodge either. Sometime before she goes to bed, say to her that you're going to talk to her to-morrow. And have a time chosen when both of you are free.
You are absolutely right. The decision of a socially isolated 15 year old girl cannot be taken unchallenged when she talks of being a lesbian. That doesn't mean she's automatically wrong. Things may turn out that way. Nor does it mean that you simply say you don't believe her. At this point in time, that is her state of consciousness. Or as scientists might say, that is her hypothesis, her current assessment of who she is. She's put some thought - not to mention feelings - into this assessment. That effort to understand herself has to be respected.
You are also absolutely right about what's happened. In the absence of social contacts, she's consulted cyberspace. And yes, that is a cry for help. Just as her announcement to you was a cry for help. You tell her you respect what she's saying, but ask her to respect what you're saying too - namely that decisions about ourselves can be influenced by circumstances. Look at all the girls who believe they are ugly, when every onlooker can see they are not. Our emotions dictate our perception of ourselves. And that is particularly true when our experience is limited. Boys are too clumsy to approach us when we're shy. And we then think we are unattractive.
If you felt it would help, you could also tell your daughter that a whole school of psychological thought sees crushes on other girls as a rite of passage to womanhood. Or explain that sexuality isn't nice and neatly packaged, and that undercurrents of homosexuality exist in most people, if not all, that sexuality is a question of someone being predominantly heterosexual, rather than exclusively so, and that only a lively engagement with the world can show us who we really are.
Finally, doing is as important as any conversation. Take your daughter by the hand and introduce her to the world.
