Question
I am a professionally employed woman in my mid-thirties and have been seeing my current boyfriend for the past six months. Beside his good points, the issue that's troubling me seems trivial. He is thoughtful, considerate, kind, generous and emotionally there for me - in short the kind of man most women dream about in vain. In fact my friends joke that I should tie him down permanently, but I'm not in any hurry to get married. Nor has he suggested anything, which is OK.
Although he is currently unemployed, he goes out of his way to treat me to a night out as often as he can, and if we have a night in at my house, he always brings wine or flowers or some small surprise. Well educated, he's a formidable debating opponent and offers a stimulating intellectual challenge. He also has a great sense of humour, which makes him fun to be around. He's good-looking, takes care of himself, and is an excellent and passionate lover. But although he constantly tells me he loves me, sex is at the root of the problem.
After making love one night recently I asked him what turns him on and he said his sexual fantasies are about women in leather gear, particularly those heavy motor-bike jackets. This would be no big deal except that my best friend has one, and always wears it when we're out as a group together. Given that she is currently single, extremely good-looking, and gets on really well with my boyfriend, I now feel deeply insecure when she's in close proximity to him. I am insecure enough to think that they might be having an affair. Or if that is not the case, then I'm worried and suspicious enough to think he has told her about his fantasies.
Things came to a head recently when we were all out together in a larger group of friends. From a distance during the evening I saw my boyfriend and best friend laughing and chatting and she put her hand on his knee and then pulled it away again quickly. Later on he asked her where she had got the jacket and complimented her on it. Of course she lapped it up. That evening, when we got back to his place, we slept together without having sex and I left before he even woke up.
I find myself snapping at him and feeling terrible about it later. And I haven't approached my friend about my suspicions either. She has a fiery temper, and I don't want to trigger it. I would also hate to lose her as a friend. And if I lost my boyfriend, I would be devastated. I haven't seen any signs since that would indicate they are having an affair and maybe my paranoia is misplaced. But I'm still insecure about my boyfriend and our future. Have I lost him?
Answer
I really do think it is profoundly unwise to ask about a lover's fantasies. It is equally unwise to answer if you are asked. Fantasies are just that, fantasy-land. They are an internal dialogue with ourselves, a mechanism for exploring the limits of our thinking, places we dare to go in our imagination precisely because it is in our imagination, and hence safe. They are not for sharing.
You can see that now. You are in possession of information you don't know how to handle. Because you are insecure, you're missing the fundamental point, namely that fantasies don't determine choices in the real world. Otherwise your boyfriend would only be with women who wear leather gear all the time. And he's not. He's with you.
You are also suggesting that your boyfriend, far from being perfect, is actually a guy who is not very nice. He tells you the fantasy about the leather gear. He also tells your best friend. Then he compliments her on the jacket, in front of you. If that were true, he'd be a very cruel man. In fact he'd be a sadist. Imagine playing games like that, deliberately taunting you. And imagine the nastiness of a so-called best friend who would go along with all that.
You can't have it both ways. You can't paint this man as wonderful and at the same time think he's having an affair with your friend, or playing nasty games with your emotional well-being, which is just as bad, if not worse, than actual infidelity. The two pictures don't fit. So you either accept that you have a 'great catch' to use that vulgar phrase, or you've landed yourself with someone who is full of vicious s***. Do you understand?
Low self-esteem is a double-whammy. We think little of ourselves, which is bad enough. But on top of that, from our lowly position way down on the status scale, we falsely elevate everyone else. Put plainly, your boyfriend may be a very nice guy, but he's not Mister Perfect. How do I know? It's simple. Nobody is. And I'm not being even remotely cynical. People just aren't perfect. That's their charm. Human frailty is what softens our hearts and allows love in. Anyway, think of what an old-fashioned father might have asked. What are your boyfriend's prospects? He's unemployed. How does he pay his way? Or could it be that your social life is very constrained because of his lack of money? In a future togetherness scenario would you be the sole breadwinner? No, I'm not being nasty either. Nor am I for one moment suggesting someone should be judged on the basis of their bank account, or employment status. I'm just saying that you're ignoring reality, which unquestionably has it draw-backs, because of your low self-esteem. So please don't tell all your friends to write me hate-mail. Oh and by the way, your best friend may look fantastic in her heavy metal leather jacket, but you do see, don't you, that wearing it all the time makes her dress-sense one-dimensional?
Low self-esteem is also self-sabotage. You are emotionally insecure because you can't quite believe that your boyfriend has chosen you. So what do you do? You get jealous, and then start to punish him. Yet you know that if you keep that up, you'll drive him away. Misplaced anger is a huge factor in low self-esteem. You shoot yourself in the foot, when really you should be systematically fighting whatever forces lead you to believe you were less than worthy. Why not quietly wander off to a counsellor and get help about handling that lack of self-worth? And stop fighting with your boyfriend.
