Question
I broke up with my boyfriend last autumn. We had only been together for six months. He had become very distant, continuing to do battle with an ex-girlfriend - the last in a long line of problematic relationships - and while I never believed he wanted her back, I felt that I wasn't his priority number one. He did nothing to reassure me. He is 40, very capable and very charming, and when he's warm, he's the most incredible guy in the world. We had a very intense physical relationship, had so many interests in common, shared similar work lives, and got on great with each others' friends. When he's cold, he turns into a monster.
Six weeks after we broke up, I felt that maybe I had thrown the towel in too easily, and felt more and more uneasy about my decision. We met up again, and I back-tracked, telling him I wanted things to work out, explaining how deeply I felt for him. He said he also had very strong feelings for me, but blamed me for giving up on him, and argued that we could have worked things out. Apparently, however, it was too late, as he had told all his friends we'd split, and this was a big deal. I was absolutely devastated.
We stayed in contact, started seeing each other again, quietly, and it was wonderful to begin with. When things are good, they are fantastic, but when things are not so good, he becomes emotionally cold - bitterly cold - and irritable and defensive. All attempts on my part to communicate were seen as pressure, and it became obvious he wasn't making any effort to re-integrate me into his life. Instead he started a silly row with me and said he wanted out. A few weeks later we were in contact again, met up, had a great time, and were extremely affectionate and close.
I'm 30 years old and don't know what to do. I really want to be with him, but feel I cannot have any kind of discussion with him about us as he will explode and run for the hills. He thinks we're great together when there's no stress, and I think it suits him not to commit too soon. I'm not sure why he's back in my life as I don't feel comfortable enough to ask, or to put my cards on the table. Communication, like I said, is not his forte. I love him so very much, and would go to the ends of the earth for him, but cannot take any more heartbreak.
Answer
This isn't a question of whether or not you can handle heartbreak. Sometimes life hands us heartbreak and we deal with it. You could do that. What's troubling you is the thought of choosing heartache, of deliberately going down a road you know leads to unhappiness, that wilfully blind behaviour we are all so good at, when it comes to sexual love. You know better, which is why you're so dogged with despair.
You met a great guy, fell in love, and then found out that he can be an emotional monster, to paraphrase your own words. Put more simply, you fell hook, line and sinker, and he remained somewhat remote. He was your priority number one, but you were not his. I don't think this had actually anything to do with his ex-girlfriend. His preoccupation with her sounds more like it has more to do with nursing a grievance than any residual desire. He was hung up on the past, angry at perceived injustice, and hence closed to real commitment. And it sounds like this was a pattern - his version undoubtedly being that he's been hard done-by several times over. After all, he's blaming you for not sticking it out, rather than examining his own behaviour.
This man is painfully self-absorbed. Look at what he's saying to you. He can't be open about you being together again because he told his friends the relationship was off. Even if that is not entirely true, he feels free to say it. That means he believes it's a logical position to hold. Losing face, in his book, is worse than losing you. And it's not that he doesn't communicate. He has no problem telling you how he feels. So it's not that you're left second-guessing. What he fails to do is listen. He doesn't want to know how you feel - about anything. And he certainly doesn't shift his ground, review his perspective, or moderate his responses on the basis of anything you have to say. He's profoundly emotionally deaf. In a very real sense you don't exist. Do you understand?
In the process, of course, he's totally controlling. He's running the relationship on his terms. You can either take it, or leave it. He certainly doesn't care enough to bend. And I feel pretty sure that it's nothing personal. This isn't about a failure to love you. It's about your boyfriend's inability to move outside his own emotional world.
Of course you'll make your own mind up - we all do. But can I say one thing. This man hasn't the capacity to see how fabulous you are, or how great you could be together. He's tied in a thousand emotional knots, created long before any girlfriends crossed his path. Perhaps he'll work on them, and change. You just need to understand that there's nothing you can do to make him change. I know, when he's good, he's gorgeous. But sometimes we have to walk away from gorgeous. Difficult. Think about it.
