Question
My husband is terminally ill at present, and is not expected to live more than a couple of months. It has all happened so quickly that I am still reeling from the shock. So is my husband, who had no warning that something was wrong until 24 hours prior to diagnosis. He has undergone surgery, but there is no hope. My problem is this.
We've been married nearly 25 years, but our marriage has not been a happy one. In fact, the pain he caused me has resulted in emotional scarring that will live with me till I die. My husband was fully aware of this and I would think he deeply regretted his actions but never-the-less, I have been unable to overcome the hurt. He seemed to feel that I could just forget about it all and get on with life. Unfortunately it just did not go away and more than 15 years later, I still shed tears at the memory of what happened.
Last evening in hospital, my husband asked me to forgive him. Despite the fact that he is dying, I just cannot do that. I have stood by him over the years, supporting him when he needed support and even now visiting him twice a day and trying my best to do my duty as his wife. But there is no love left in me for him and it is purely my sense of duty which has kept things going over the years.
Do I let this man die, hoping I will not regret having forgiven him? Or do I forgive him and then regret having done so when he is gone? He has come between me and my God to the extent that there is absolutely no way I can pray now. I will carry this sadness with me until I die.
Answer
How terrible to carry such pain for so long. How crippling to live with that level of hurt and anger for fifteen years. What a burden to bear. I don't of course know what your husband did. I do know that your failure to move past it has blighted your life. And that's what matters here.
Your husband has raised the question of forgiveness. OK, so he did it, perhaps, for selfish reasons. He wants, maybe, to find a sense of peace. That's not the issue, frankly. What matters is the fact that you've now been handed a unique opportunity to free yourself. Because you are the one who has a future, a whole life still to lead. You have a choice. You can lay down your burden. Or you can choose to cry forever, which is a terrible thought.
Forgiveness is always for our own sake. Of course the person we forgive may feel much better knowing. But to forgive someone is actually a gift to ourselves. In fact, when you think about it, a lot of forgiveness remains in our own heads and hearts. We don't exactly go around telling people we've forgiven them for whatever transgression, big or small. We just quietly achieve a different perspective and move on. That's the first thing. Secondly, forgiving is not some form of words. You ask me if you'll regret having said it or not having said it. And I'm saying that's not the point. This isn't about whether you say some words to your husband, or fail to say them. It's about reaching a whole different emotional level. It's about freeing your soul.
Your question does show how angry you still are, and how focussed you are on your husband, rather than on yourself. What you're basically asking me is whether or not you should continue to punish him. Because that's what you've been doing all these years. Punishing him. No, I'm not saying that for his sake. I'm saying it for your sake. Anger is an awfully corrosive emotion to carry. Holding onto anger is also what victims do. It's one thing to see clearly that someone has done something wrong, and feel angry. That's a moral judgment. It's also a statement about our own self-worth. It's another thing entirely to remain stuck in the wound. Put bluntly, if what your husband did was so terrible, then dutifully staying and supporting him was the wrong thing to do. Do you understand? No matter what your reasons, it was a step too far, because it left you helplessly floundering, spiritually as well as emotionally.
There is a second scenario. What your husband did was wrong, but not insurmountable. You were right to stay. But you were wrong to allow the wound to fester. You nursed your anger, rather than having a series of battles to bring home to your husband the depth of your despair - and then letting go. Again this is victim behaviour. They feel helpless to fix things, either by leaving or by fighting for recognition of their hurt. Instead they alienate themselves even from their God. Your husband didn't make good, didn't make it up to you, didn't give you the consolation you so badly needed. But perhaps you made that impossible? At the end of the day no-one else can console us if we're not capable of consoling ourselves. You did your duty and suffered. What a punishment, not just of your husband, but of yourself.
You are still in shock, like you said. Give yourself some time. Then think, not of your husband, but of yourself. If you so wish, this tragic turn of events could carry within it a chance for you to reach a much kinder and gentler world. And maybe that's what your husband wants for you. Maybe he asked for forgiveness so that you could have a future.
