Question
My husband and my sister had a one-night drunken fling. It came to light shortly before a large family reunion, when she told my mother she couldn't attend as my husband had raped her and she couldn't be in the same room with him. My mother didn't tell anyone at the time.
When the story finally came out, my sister phoned me and repeated the allegation to me. She also suggested she would be scared for the safety of my children, and that my husband had to be stopped. When I confronted him, he admitted the fling immediately, but denied absolutely the allegation that he had raped my sister. And I knew in my heart he would never interfere with our children.
I could not believe all the deception on both their parts and was, of course, gutted. At this stage my entire family knew the story and it split them right down the middle, one half believing the rape story and the other half believing my husband. Shortly afterwards, my mother tragically died in an accident and the funeral was so tense it was exhausting. At a later family meeting, my sister admitted she had been a willing participant in the sordid affair. And I stuck by my husband. He is a good man, a good father, and I love him.
Now that everything has 'gone back to normal', I find myself reliving the night of their fling over and over in my mind. I feel cheated in every way. What I thought I had with my husband, and the relationship I thought I had with my sister, all distorted now. My father and siblings all live abroad, and I feel alone most of the time. My relationship with my husband is not good. Although I felt I forgave him, I am angry with him a lot of the time.
How do I get rid of the anger? I want things to go back to the way they were before this whole mess developed.
Answer
The past cannot, of course, be undone. But you can take another look. At the time you were shell-shocked. Then your mother died. So you were frozen with grief too. In that kind of scenario we don't process our feelings properly, putting them to one side instead while we deal with the crises. Now it's pay-back time. That anger you feel is your legitimate sense of outrage, knocking on the door for proper recognition.
The betrayal by your husband was huge. I don't know exactly how we grade wrong-doing, but on any scale of 1-10 he scores very high. Context matters when it comes to doing something we shouldn't do. Unfaithfulness with anyone is bad. Having if off with your wife's sister is infinitely worse. Not only does it automatically involve sisterly betrayal as well. It also lets you down within your family and creates havoc amongst family members. You've described all that. I'm just not sure that you have allowed yourself to properly feel it. In biblical language, your husband deserves to be horse-whipped. And no, that's not an invitation to violence. It's a metaphor. Your anger is justified.
The betrayal by your sister was beyond huge. Whatever about the actual infidelity, she went on to tell the world a terrible tale. Why didn't she keep it a secret? And why did she escalate the scene to call your husband not only a rapist, but also a potential paedophile? Either she chooses to be truly evil, or else she is in serious need of psychiatric help. Either way, she did not behave like a sister to you. She did not even behave like a civil human being.
You have to make a stand, take up a clear emotional position on what happened. No, I'm not suggesting you throw your husband out. But he needs to hear how badly you were hurt. He needs to listen, and make serious amends. He owes you true remorse. You have to acknowledge too, the true awfulness of your sister's behaviour. Sick, or just plain bad, she's toxic. Deal with it.
