Question
I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost four years. We moved in together after six months and he proposed to me last autumn. We are getting married shortly and it's all very exciting. I'm 35 years old and before meeting him I had a string of disastrous relationships and felt very damaged when it came to men in general.
I love him, but the sex in our relationship has never been great. I never felt a strong sexual attraction to him, although I find him physically attractive, if that makes any sense. Since we started living together we've become very close but almost in a way that is empty of any romance. We are very affectionate to each other, kiss and hug a lot, but when it comes to anything else, the desire on both sides just don't seem to be there. He lost his job last summer and since then we've spent even more time together because I work shifts, but business has slowed down recently. I wonder has this exacerbated the situation as he is not feeling wonderful, and I think his self-esteem is a bit low.
I have only felt a really strong sex drive with men who were emotionally completely unavailable to me. Now this wonderful caring devoted man loves me and I can't seem to feel any desire for sex at all. Not that he is trying. We stayed for a few days in a friend's house recently - a long-weekend break, and he half initiated sex and I kind of backed off. When we got home, having had no sex at all, we had a huge argument and I said I didn't feel we were sexually compatible and neither did he. But then we made up and said we loved each other so much we were going to seek help. The wedding is in two months and I'm very worried about this. I contacted a marriage counsellor who suggested we come as a couple. This didn't bother me, but my fiancé did not want that. We're now organising separate consultations.
I have a feeling he expects our sex life to be like sex he would have had in the past when it wasn't a serious relationship - you know, spontaneous and exciting. I agree it could be like that in a loving relationship, but have continually tried to emphasize the point that we need to set the mood. He doesn't seem to get that. A typical night in, even when I try to wear something sexy, would be dinner, followed by sitting in front of the TV, with maybe him drifting off to go on the computer. Like I said, we're just seeing too much of each other lately, which I think is a big part of the problem.
To the outside world we look like the perfect couple, but I'm really scared that if we don't look into this now, and hopefully get some help, we will have major problems in the future and I really would love our marriage to last!! I would love someone to wave a magic wand because the rest of the relationship is fabulous. He is thoughtful and kind and adores me and I can't imagine my life without him.
Answer
Magic wands don't exist. It's hard graft when it comes to solving relationship difficulties I'm afraid. You both have to stop dodging. At the moment your letter - and hence your head - is so full of contradictions that it's hard to know where to begin. Let me ask some questions, which might help you sort it out.
I have no idea what's going on in your boyfriend's head. You don't know either, otherwise you would have told me. He has to speak. Is he interested in sex? Has he given up approaching you because you constantly turn him down? In other words, is he drifting off to the computer in the evenings because of despair or disinterest? And when did he give up trying? Is this a new development or a long-standing situation? Is he worried about how it will all pan out in marriage? What, exactly, is his solution? Why did he refuse a joint counselling session? Does he really not want to go at all? Or has he things to say he doesn't want to say to you? Or, on his part anyway, has this nothing to do with sex drive as such and everything to do with his current job situation? Is he depressed? Ask him.
You are far from clear about yourself too. You tell me you never felt much sexual desire for this man. And you know from experience that you can feel desire. You even have the important insight that you desired damaging men, but don't fancy this good man, who loves you. This is not about your boyfriend setting the scene for sex. It's not about candles, foreplay or the whispering of sweet nothings. It's an emotional block inside your own psyche, a wound in your heart and mind. No, of course I'm not blaming you. I'm just trying to explain that your sexual disinterest in the man you love is a problem you must solve for yourself - ideally with the help of a professional. It is your responsibility, not his.
I can see you care deeply for each other. But you are also both conflict-avoiders - and I don't mean you avoid rows. You avoid tricky issues. That means you're scared of having differences, or discussing painful issues. And it's not just sex. What do you say to each other about the fact that your boyfriend is a whole year out of work and you're getting married shortly? Are there concerned chats about money? How will you afford kids? Have you even talked about kids? It's time to take your courage in your hands and start talking - to each other.
