Question
We are at the point of despair about our son and don't know what to do. He is almost 30 and has wasted his life since finishing school. He gave no trouble as a teenager, did well at school, and went off to college.
Then things went wrong. He took to drink, marijuana and more. He neglected his studies. And then he dropped out completely. For the past l0 years he's been wandering. He did a lot of travelling at first, visiting far away places, picking up casual work to keep himself going. But he's long finished travelling and is just drifting now. He returns home for months at a time and then he's gone again. His appetite is poor, his appearance has deteriorated, he looks 40 rather than 30, and admits to staying in squats when nothing else is available. Lately, even the casual work has been neglected and he's begun 'borrowing' cash from us, although we limit this as much as we can.
The only constant in his life has been drink and marijuana, which he refuses to quit. He has even had a couple of warnings from the Gardai along the way. He didn't get this example at home. We are a hard-working family, drink little and don't even smoke. We've begged him to get help, go into rehab, but he refuses.
He has achieved nothing in life and has no ambition. I'm sure he's unhappy with this existence, but he just says he doesn't know what he wants to do. We fear for his health and state of mind but he says everything is OK. Reading of so many young males being depressed, taking overdoses, finishing themselves off, we fear he may do something drastic, although he's not mentioned anything like this. What should we do?
Answer
Go on loving him is, of course, the first response. Love doesn't, however, mean foolishness. Your son is an addict. He buys booze, marijuana and maybe other stuff too. You don't give addicts money. Yes, I know you're aware of that and try to keep it to a minimum. But that's not enough. It was one thing having to step back and accept that he spent his own money feeding his addiction. It's another matter entirely to finance his addiction.
Yes, I know. There's a very fine line in the sand here. By taking him in, feeding, and minding him for months on end, you are also in a sense supporting his life-style. That's particularly true if during that time he continues to drink and take drugs, which I'm presuming he does. And there is a whole school of thought that says you shouldn't do that. On the other hand, it could be argued that by taking him in you're giving him the chance to find his footing again, particularly when he knows that you don't accept his addictive behaviour, but rather put it up to him that he should go to rehab. Truly, it's difficult to decide. Definitely, however, you should not give him money.
Addicts put us in a shockingly difficult position. Your son is clearly on a down-ward spiral, which is terribly painful to watch. He's already stopped earning. So how will he feed his habit? Clearly there's trouble ahead. But you can't stop him. He has to stop himself. All you can do is maintain contact without allowing yourself to be exploited. That doesn't just mean refusing any demands for money. It means facing the fact that you might have to ban him from the house if he starts stealing from you, or being abusive, or bringing trouble in the form of dealers, or debtors to your door. Not to mention letting him go to jail because you rightly refuse to go bail for him. Hardest of all, you can't allow fear for his safety to distort your vision.
It's so sad. Just don't tear yourself up about it. Your son, like all of us, got a hand of cards to play with, some duds, some great ones. He made his choices.
