Question
I feel confused, anxious, stressed, and bitterly let down. I'm 46, my wife is two years younger, and we're married over 20 years.
Four years ago one of our sons was killed in a tragic accident, but time has moved on. That said, it's still very hard to let go and the pain is still great. Things between myself and my wife have been OK, but, as you can imagine, frayed around the edges.
Last summer she went on holiday abroad with two friends. That was fine as the break was good for her. Four weeks later she made a weekend trip to the city, and about a month after that she went to the city again, both times with friends. I had a suspicion that something wasn't right, but didn't challenge her at the time. To cut a long story short, I now know that while she was on holidays she met two different men, saw both of them on her trips to the city, and stayed in email contact with the one of them. And somewhere in the mix there was a third man.
Initially when I confronted her she swore black and blue that nothing was going on. Things between us were not great, but we agreed to give ourselves more time together and a fresh start. I later found out that during this time of attempted reconciliation, my wife was still in contact with the second man, meeting him on a number of occasions in the city. She had set up a separate email address, which I found on her computer. When I confronted her again she told me everything, said she was so very sorry, and that she loved me more than anything else in life.
We have other children, and I don't want to do anything that would upset them as they have already known so much tragedy in their young lives. What do I do? How do I move on? How do I learn to trust again. Is it possible? Nobody knows what happened as my wife didn't want anyone else to know. That leaves me with no-one to talk to, or to tell how I feel.
Answer
First things first. If you want to talk to someone about how you feel, then you must do that. Obviously you need to be careful in your choice of confidante, but that's for your sake as much as your wife's. There may be no baddies in this story, but there can't be any bullies either. Your wife hasn't got a total veto on how you meet your emotional needs. Do what you need to do.
Grief-stricken mourning, particularly at the loss of a child, takes strange and painful paths. For example, mania was my speciality as a clinical psychologist, and in talking to patients over the years, it was striking how many of them had grief gnawing unacknowledged in the depth of their souls. And yes, I'm saying soul advisedly. The pain of loss goes far beyond a broken heart. It eats at our spirituality.
No, I'm not for one moment making any kind of diagnosis here. It would not be possible. I'm simply saying that grief has crossed my path in many guises. I'm not trying to excuse your wife's behaviour either. Nor am I even saying that it's definitely related to the loss of your son. You've asked me a question, namely whether you can ever trust your wife again. Part of the answer to that lies in why your wife has been so wayward. And all I'm suggesting is that it would be wise to factor in grief as a possible contributory factor.
Many grieving couples grieve apart. The loss of a child doesn't necessarily bring two people closer together. That was a sad surprise for me as a young clinician. I had thought grief would create common ground. Now I understand that the awful reality of mourning is the way it isolates us. So I'm not surprised at all to hear that your relationship with your wife has been frayed around the edges as you put it. My guess is that both of you have been literally drowning in sadness, alone.
Hard as it is, I think compassion, if you can muster it, would be wonderful. Compassion, though, must be combined with firmness. You need support. So does your wife. Counselling is now widely available. You can go alone, or together. This won't be about blaming and shaming. It will be about understanding. A marriage is clearly at stake. I honestly believe it's time to break the silence.
