Brother Ignoring debts

Question

My father-in-law died recently. My husband took on the role of organising the funeral and financial arrangements etc. at the request of the family, for various practical reasons. My mother-in-law was in no fit state to deal with these matters at the time. The problem lies with one of my husband's brothers.

This guy has always needed a bail-out at various stages of his adult life, usually requiring a LOAN here and there and NEVER repaying his benefactor, who was usually his own father. And this has gone on despite the fact that he is by no means the most financially needy in the family. My husband requested a small amount of money from each of his siblings to cover a shortfall in the cost of the funeral. At the time all the siblings agreed and were happy to contribute. It was not a large sum. All bills were paid, and the money has now been collected from everyone - except the said brother. My husband paid his share instead and is now terribly upset, not because of the money owed to him, but because this brother is trying to get away without contributing to the cost of his own father's burial. It's the principle of the thing. And of course he's now avoiding all my husband's attempts to contact him.

The problem now is that the other siblings are putting pressure on my husband to force his brother to cough up and not let him get away with it, yet again. This leaves my husband caught between a rock and a hard place. If he puts on the pressure, his errant brother will unquestionably go to his mother and complain - and she, of course, knows nothing and would be complete devastated that her children were arguing over the cost of burying their father. On the other hand, the siblings are ringing us constantly, all fired up. All of this is adding distress to my husband's grief, and he doesn't know which way to turn.

Answer
Much is made of toxic family dynamics at Christmas, when the scattered clan come together and tear each other apart. It fades into insignificance beside the difficulties a family death can bring, particularly when a parent dies.

Two things may be happening in your husband's family. At a simple level, the siblings are trying to establish some sense of justice, having felt angry over the years that their father effectively favoured their errant brother. Even if he didn't love this particular son more, and didn't prise him more highly, he certainly indulged him. Sisters and brothers never entirely lose their sense of fair play, so they feel entirely cheesed off when one individual does a disproportionate amount of taking. And of course the chances are that he also gave less, thus compounding everyone's sense of grievance.

At a more complicated level, they may all have tried really hard to protect their father - and by extension their mother - from the financial burden. They may have worried about how things were going to pan out for their parents as they got older and more financially vulnerable. They may well have felt hugely frustrated in their attempts to advise, or intervene, when their father put his hand, yet again, in his pocket. They may even have gone to bat for their mother against their father, tried to fight her battle for her, even if this was not explicitly stated by any of them. And now the renegade has shown his true colours again, failing to be grateful, or to play fair, even in death. So they are angry.

The battle, however, is not theirs - not then and not now. It was their father's business then. He did what he wanted to do. They can't win the fight posthumously. Fairness cannot be achieved retrospectively. They have to live with that. And it is your husband's business now. He's the one who is out of pocket. Hence he is the one who has to decide what to do. He cannot be asked to fight a battle on behalf of the others.

I think your husband is wise in wanting to let things be. There is no point in pursuing this brother. He will not cough up. His type never do. And just for the record, if this brother does start approaching his mother for money, or even just with the story of the funeral costs, neither your husband nor his other siblings will be able to control that situation, anymore than they could control what their father did. It's important your husband should never feel guilty about that. Your husband needs to explain firmly but gently to his siblings that he's letting this go - and then quietly retreat into a place where he can grieve.

Dead Brother Abused Me

Question

Reading the recent letter from a girl whose brother abused her, I finally felt that someone knows what I am going through. But it's still so hard to write it down. It happened when I was around 10-13 years old and I am now 24. What's made it even fresher in my mind, is that my brother died recently. I'm mourning him, because he was my brother and all my family are suffering. But I'm also glad that this secret is now gone with him to the grave and I can move on somewhat. He never apologised to me, or mentioned it again. I always wondered why me, and how could he have done that to me. It just stopped one day and that was that, like it had never happened.

I have never had a boyfriend and my friends joke that I'm fussy, but I'm not. No one seems to have any interest in me. I've met boys, kissed on a night out, but that's it. Nothing further. This is what gets me down now as I think I'm going to be on my own forever. My friends are starting to pair off, but I have never met anyone whom I liked enough. I don't think I have a problem with intimacy, the right one just hasn't come along. I don't know where I'm going wrong. Or am I tarnished for life?

I have a loving family and a job I like, so I have a lot to be thankful for. It's just that this secret is hanging over me. I can never tell my family. It would ruin them. It's bad enough losing a son without having to hear what he did. I suppose I should see a counsellor but I don't know if I could go as far as to talk about it. Plus, I can't really afford it. I suppose I just have to get on with my life.

Answer
As you can see, the secret hasn't gone to the grave with your brother. You are carrying it around with you. You're thinking about it. And unconsciously you've undoubtedly erected barriers to any romantic involvement. Of course you are not 'tarnished'. The fact that you were abused does not make you any less worthy of love and respect. You are blameless. Your heart and spirit are free to love.

I know I've said it before, but the worst part of sexual abuse is the lingering feeling the victims have about being bad, or dirty, or tarnished to use your word. It's hard to shake their conviction that they were somehow to blame. Look at your question about why your brother chose to do it to you. Deep down you fear you have some fatal flaw. In reality he chose you because you were an easy target, for whatever reason. And that has to do with circumstances that were completely outside your control as a ten-year-old. Somehow, there was a failure within the family to ensure your safety. Maybe it was nobody's fault - we're not playing the blame game here. The point is, it certainly wasn't your fault. Your brother behaved very badly. We don't know his story. Nor do we need to. All you have to do is make sure you ditch these negative feelings about yourself.

I do strongly believe you should talk to a counsellor. This is familiar territory, as you can see from the recent letters on this page. You are not alone. You are very vulnerable right now, not least because you feel alienated from your family since your grief at your brothers death is, very understandably, mixed with relief. That kind of conflict brings real emotional distress. It's uncomfortable, painful, disorienting, but it's also an opportunity for psychological change. See, you've written to me. Take the next step and seek out a specialist counsellor. I promise you, the relief will be enormous. And those unconscious barriers to romantic relationships will slowly but steadily break down too. That, by the way, is also a promise, not because I have some magic powers, but because that's the way the emotional world works.

My Brother Made Sexual Advances

Question

I have a terrible secret from my childhood that causes me a lot of distress at times. I have never gone to a counsellor about it because I feel, deep down, that I was to blame to some extent. And I'm afraid that it would not be considered serious enough to require counselling.

I was in boarding school from the age of 12 and when I came home on my first break, my brother, who was three years older, started to try and engage me in sexual behaviour. He came into my bedroom many times in the middle of the night. Apart from the first time, when I didn't know what was happening, I never let him do anything again. I used to dread going home until I eventually made it very clear that I would tell our parents if he continued - even though I dreaded my parents finding out. After that he was quite horrible and mean to me for years, and made it clear that he hated me. He was a very awkward teenager, withdrawn and not good with people.

Now I'm in my mid-forties. I have had a couple of good relationships, though none of them led to marriage. Ironically, I am the only sibling who has any contact with this brother - even though he still can't look me in the eye. I stay in contact because I am fond of his children, and because I feel sorry for him. He has fallen out with the rest of the family, for various reasons.

I blocked out much of this for many years, but now that there is so much talk of sexual abuse in the media, it became impossible not to think about it. Why did my brother do this to me? How can I put it behind me once and for all? I think I have forgiven him, but, if so, why does it still distress me so much? I would find it very difficult to talk to someone face to face about this. And this is the first time I have ever written it down.

Answer
This notion of 'forgiving' just gets in the way, to be frank. It hinders clarity of thought. I'm not saying that it's irrelevant. I just think the whole concept of forgiveness belongs in a sort of parallel universe, psychologically speaking. So we'll leave it to one side for the moment, if that's OK with you.

The reality is that you and your brother have unfinished business. And while I'm sure you are fond of his children, that's not the whole reason that you're still involved in his daily life. You're in there because you're seeking some kind of solution, some form of emotional clearing-out, a sort of day of reckoning. Listen to what you're saying. He can't look you in the eye. You are still distressed. You two have an unresolved past. And both of you are dancing around it, dodging any conversation, yet failing to disengage either. You are both waiting.

It's understandable that you would find it difficult to talk to someone about the past. It's complicated. Something happened which you clearly saw as wrong. And from a simple standpoint it was abuse. No 15 year-old boy should attempt to be sexually intimate with his 12-year- old sister. It's just that sometimes these situations get emotionally muddled. Family intimacy has to be carefully monitored. Which is why parental alertness is so necessary. Maybe you were a lonely little thing at boarding school. Maybe you felt a bit isolated from the family, which was part of the reason you were afraid to tell your parents. So you attempted to micro-manage the situation.

And maybe your brother wasn't a terrible villain either. Maybe he was a lost soul, wrongly seeking solace by approaching you sexually. Certainly he was exploiting the situation. But maybe you somehow undertood - or at least felt - that he was doing it from a position of lonely weakness, rather than out-and-out badness. He was your brother, and perhaps felt you were kindred spirits. Or at a very simple level, distant parents terrified you into thinking you had to handle this yourself.

Either way, in your attempt to protect yourself, the unhappy and unsavoury and unacceptable situation lasted for a while. Sadly, that led to you feeling somehow guilty, reinforced the tendency of all abuse victims to feel it is somehow their fault - even though it isn't. You are guilty of nothing. You were 12 years old. And you perceived your parents as distant.

I think you should see a counsellor and talk this through. Yes, like I said, it will be difficult. It will also be infinitely rewarding once you get going. Putting words on a past hurt, in the presence of a professional who can make us feel safe, works like a kind of magic. The burden lifts. After that, you can consider whether to open the discussion with your brother, or not. You may even simply decide to disengage from him. Or just lay the past to rest, in your own head, and in the process change the dynamic between the two of you. With time you'll learn what is the wisest route for you to take. But do take your courage in your hands and seek someone to confide in.

Daughter Trapped In A Relationship

Question

I am very concerned about my 25 year old daughter. She is living with her boyfriend who is 39, and they have a six-month old baby girl. Her boyfriend also has a ten-year old boy by a previous relationship who comes to visit regularly, once during the week and every second weekend.

My daughter doesn't seem to have much freedom. She has a part-time job five mornings a week and he takes care of the baby while she works. He works an evening shift five and sometimes six nights a week, so often goes to bed in the afternoons. He also often has to work on bank-holidays. She does all the housework and shopping. She also has to be there for his son when he visits. They have only been out together as a couple about three times since the baby was born, although they know I would gladly baby-sit for them.

He doesn't want her to visit friends, but she is alone for long hours while he works. She even spent New Year's Eve on her own, as he didn't want her to celebrate it with anyone else and he had to work. Her only social outlet is her job, which she badly needs for the sake of a chat and a bit of social contact. She doesn't even go to something like a keep-fit class, as he thinks she should be content with just being a mother.

All this is pulling her down, and she was particularly distressed over Christmas. She has known her boyfriend for over seven years and broke off the relationship several times and she didn't feel he had much regard for her. Now she says that nothing has changed. I'm at a loss about what to do.

Answer
You know what I'm going to say. Your daughter can't settle for complaining to you. She has to act herself. Certainly she can confide in you, and is lucky to have you. But the decisions must be hers. All you can do is listen, and give gentle pushes in the right direction. Set a date for a definite babysitting night, rather than just making a general offer. Get her membership for a keep-fit class. Organise a social evening starting at your house, where she can then head off for a drink with her friends for an hour or two while you hold the baby.

Your daughter and her partner are certainly working hard and life is not easy for them. I don't think that is his fault. So it's important you don't simply demonise him. He does seem to be restrictive in his attitude to her having friends, or socialising without him. But you don't know to what extent that's because he simply hasn't got the space in his time-schedule or head to help her make that happen. It might be different if she went to him with a clear game-plan, babysitting organised etc. And anyway, it's her task to stand up for what she needs. If she's being bullied into loneliness and social isolation, that's down to her. She could lovingly, but firmly, stand up for herself.

Help your daughter, in short, to be pro-active, but quietly retreat from any attempt at taking sides. You don't want to end up being responsible for her, and her baby, no matter how much you love her.

My Sister Lacks Persoanl Hygiene

Question

I am in my fifties and live with my widowed sister and her two sons, both of whom are in their twenties. It is her house. I have a job and am content with my life. My sister has independent means, stays at home and I go out to work. I contribute to the cost of running the house, help with housework at the weekend and do all the work in the garden, which I enjoy. I also do running repairs. My sister looks after the household bills, food shopping etc. Her sons have their own lives and are often away. We get on well enough and have settled into a routine.

The problem is my sister's attitude to personal hygiene. She doesn't think it's important. She almost never takes a bath or shower, just washes at the hand-basin - and not much of that either. It's the same with her clothes, not changing often, leaving dirty ones lying around on her bedroom floor. When she goes out she dresses up and you would never guess from her appearance just how careless she really is. There's a constant stale smell in the house, especially upstairs and coming out of her room. It's not pleasant sitting too close to her either.

A few times, when it was really getting to me, I tried to raise the issue with her. She got angry and told me it was none of my business. I could tell from her reaction that she thought I was mad getting upset about something like that. But hygiene is important to me, both personally and in the house. To me it's to do with self-respect and respecting others. I know you often say that we can't change others, but can change our own reactions, and in the process maybe change the situation too. I've thought about that, but I can't see what I could possibly do. Certainly I can't imagine how I can have any effect on my sister's behaviour.

I don't want to have a falling out about it. She is my sister and we do get on well, and agree on other things. But this is starting to really affect me. I can't bring the subject up again. She would see it coming and the defences would be up immediately. It would just be another row. Am I over-reacting?

Answer
To say anyone is over-reacting is a put-down. Because the feelings are very real. So no, of course you are not over-reacting. You do, however, have to be careful about letting a particular problem become an all-consuming focus for your attention. Even worse, endowing any particular behaviour with too much meaning is the slippery slope to serious discontent. There is no moral dimension to poor personal hygiene. I'm not even sure it's a question of respect as you put it. It's a convention of modern life, more or less. That's all. Keeping food safe is different. That involves a potential health hazard. But failing to wash to the point of smelling somewhat is a sort of personal choice isn't it?

Living with anyone is difficult. The trick is to skim over the annoying bits and concentrate on the good bits. Cultivating selective perception is an art-form. It's also essential for survival in any relationship. No, I'm not saying you are wrong to dislike your sister's behaviour. I am saying that you should be careful not to park all your irritation and distress at the door of her failure to wash. I am not criticising you. We all feel irritation and distress with those close around us. It's a fact of life.

Rows are no use. I think they probably almost make you feel rather vulnerable, since it seems you have no ownership rights to the house, and hence, if the chips were down, your sister could pull rank and put you in your place. Well that maybe the way it feels anyway. This subliminal sense of helplessness, or powerlessness, is probably feeding your discontent too. But aside from all that, rows are no use anyway. You could take some direct action, quietly and innocuously of course. You could resort to regularly opening the windows in the house, particularly upstairs, you know, just by the way. You could also settle for sitting on the other side of the room, or dining table, or sofa. You could slowly but surely take over the washing, starting with your own stuff, and then asking your sister if she had anything for the machine. You get my drift.

The bottom line? I do honestly think that you are offended by your sister's refusal to do as you ask, for your sake. I also think that for you it's a demonstration of your relative powerlessness in the relationship - as you perceive it anyway. And I think it reinforces in you your sense of being the one who is dependent. Can I tell you something? That is what happens to all of us, irrespective of our circumstances, when our wishes are not respected. The wise learn to accept that their power is limited. Then the fretting stops, the unhappiness eases, and we are at peace.

Emotional Spring Cleaning

Question

I'm confused about what to do next - with my life I mean. I'm 45, single and childless. I moved back to Ireland three years ago after a long period living abroad. I like being back, but I'm having difficulties making a good life for myself here.

I work part-time, which makes it hard to manage financially. I'm looking for a better job, but all efforts have been to no avail so far. And like everyone else, I'm scared of the upcoming budget. I had a relationship, but let it go as I found the guy to be irritable and sarcastic. I let go of a close friend recently as I couldn't cope with her being in a bad relationship. I got so frustrated at her inability to see how damaging her situation was for her. I also ended all contact with my mother recently. This was after years of being bullied by her and used as a scapegoat. I spent years in therapy in England dealing with the effects of her abuse. My siblings took my mother's side, so I now have no contact with them either. I know I'm scared because I feel so alone without my family. I do have a few good friends, but sometimes I wonder what will happen to me.

I'm thinking of returning to the UK, but I'm scared I'll miss Ireland again. But maybe I'd have a better chance of creating the life I want there. I don't want to give up on having the life I want - money, a good lifestyle, a loving partner, kind and interesting friends. Yet, for the first time ever, I feel I'll never have those things. I'm tired of trying so hard - I've tried speed-dating and all sorts of things to find someone. I'm attractive, but live in a small town where every attractive man seems to be married. And I'd love to have a child, but think it's too late. I wouldn't want to do it on my own anyway.

I guess I'm asking for some hope or direction.

Answer
Wow. You've certainly been doing a lot of emotional spring-cleaning. Small wonder you're feeling so daunted.

I do hope you know what a brave lady you are. I also hope that you don't push yourself too hard. I understand that you spent years in therapy and gained a lot of insights. It's still a seriously big deal to end all contact with your mother. No, I'm not saying it's the wrong thing to do. Toxic mothers should be put to one side. I'm just saying that you need to appreciate what a toll such a step takes. That's particularly true when it means losing contact with all your family. So let me say something to you.

I think it's terribly important in life to avoid a scorched earth policy. Yes, we sometimes have to make a categorical stand. A boyfriend who beats you up is a no-no and has to be ditched. Family relationships are more complex. Put another way, you often have more room to manoeuvre than you think. To take your concrete example. Sometimes we can make our stand without severing all contact. You can reject your mother's mistreatment of you and still send her birthday cards, or phone once a week to see if she's OK. No, not always, but maybe more often than we think. Part of that process is feeling strong enough to reject something like scape-goating, or constant put-downs, to fight your corner in other words, without retreating forever. I mean you could learn not to be hurt, and just tell your mother to put a sock in it. Please understand. Sometimes a tactical withdrawal is the only option. More often, however, standing our ground and fighting back works. It might not alter your mother's behaviour, but it would alter your sense of helplessness. And your family wouldn't abandon you just because you put your mother firmly in her place. They have abandoned you because you forced them to take sides, because you were so categorical in your break with your mother, because you see it as forever. Do you understand? You should certainly not stand there and take punishment. But maybe you don't need to put yourself so outside the pale in terms of your family. Think about it.

Part of the reason I'm saying all this is because of your description of breaking with your friend. You could still love her, you know, even though you have to hold back a little because she's not heeding you. When our friends persist with their mistakes, we stick around, because love is stronger than some emotional cock-up a friend might make. Your irritability stems from the notion that our friends should listen to us. But a lot of the time they don't. That's human nature. Friendship accommodates that.

Please understand. I'm not trying to rob you of your courage. I am trying to help you find some room to manoeuvre. You've done the categorical thing. Now try the diplomatic approach. Dignity lies in being firm, which is different to taking up absolutist positions. Meanwhile, make no plans to leave, at least not right away. You've unfinished emotional business here. Above all, be gentle with yourself, and kind.

I Am Being Punished For Past Mistakes

Question

I'm in my early 50's and have been married for over 35 years. My husband and I separated for three years when our children were in their teens. I was the one to leave the family home. I caused a lot of hurt and I have acknowledged this, but I'm exhausted still carrying the blame for everything.

I have tried very hard to atone for my past, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. My eldest daughter hardly speaks to me, and she freely admits having told all her friends and in-laws about her difficult relationship with me and they are very supportive of her. My husband still spoils the children as he thinks he needs to make up for the fact that they were abandoned by me all those years ago.

What hurts me is that everyone seems to know my 'sins', but nobody has any idea of my husband's past infidelities, possessiveness, violence and controlling behaviour. He has 'mellowed' and says he is happy for us to be together now, having overcome our past problems. However, he never supports me when our eldest daughter dismisses me or criticizes me. He just says I'm being "too sensitive". My daughter even refers to our home as "Dad's house" and brings her children to see their granddad, never granddad and nana.

I feel very alone, hurt and angry. Whenever I try to talk to anyone, I end up feeling as if people think I'm imagining things. I used to be unafraid to speak out, even when I was afraid of my husband, but now I find myself becoming quieter and quieter and increasingly isolated. I would like to know if there is a way to let my husband know how I feel. How can I get him to be a little more supportive, for example by asking our daughter not to treat me the way she does. I understand that he is afraid of losing contact with our grandchildren, or of being unpopular. But I do not know how much longer I can continue to bear being regarded as the 'bad parent', or how long I can take being blamed.

I realise that all our actions have consequences, and I have to live with the responsibility of my past. But how do I do that with more confidence, and without feeling so alone?

Answer
I imagine the relationship between your husband and your eldest daughter is written in stone at this stage. No, I'm not saying that's fair. I am saying that a wise woman would accept it. As the eldest, she undoubtedly took your place when you left, had to step up to the plate and look after her younger brothers and sisters while daddy went to work. Why this was necessary doesn't really matter at one level. Whether he drove you away or not doesn't really matter either. A situation was created, she and her dad forged a working relationship, and they are still close. This is not simply a blame game - may not even be a blame game at all. It's the reality of their lives.

Yes, I understand that you have a difficult relationship, and no, you're not imagining it. But it may not be because your daughter blames you for leaving as such. I'd say her difficulties lay in how to integrate you back into the new family structure - a bit like wife number one suddenly turning up again, and no, of course I don't mean that sexually. They were a team, keeping the show on the road. And neither of them knew how to step back from that. Or subconsciously, they both decided not to. Maybe it's just the way they nurture their bond.

Sometimes we wear the sackcloth and ashes ourselves. Are you doing that? Many mothers have very difficult relationships with their daughters. And many mothers have to step aside in the face of the closeness those daughters have with their fathers. Is it possible that you see this as a punishment, when in fact it's simply just that, a close relationship? Yes, you are excluded. But is that really in order to punish you? Or is that interpretation just the guilt messing with your head? And even if the exclusion is intended as punishment, you have a choice whether to accept such punishment or not. You can't insist your daughter love you. None of us can do that with our children. You can, quietly but firmly, insist on respect. If she's nasty to you, you can simply tell her that wasn't called for, and leave the room.

The person who really has to leave the blame behind is you yourself. You and your husband are now sound. And while the world - or more specifically your daughter - may not know how much your husband contributed to your departure, he certainly does. You are back in your marriage very much on equal terms. Stop seeing everything in terms of blame. You were not a bad mother. Why paint yourself as one? Why look for reassurance from your daughter? Yes, she's being a bit of a bee, but so what? She's married, has kids, is close to her family. She's a success story - which means you did an awful lot that was right. Believe me, that's all any of us can do.

Take off the sackcloth, wash away the ashes, and smile.

Abused By My Brother

Question

I am a girl in my early twenties and don't know what to do. From the age of eight, until I was about ten, I was sexually abused by an older brother. This went on in our house and in many of the out-buildings on the farm. I suppose that since we were living in the same house, it wasn't hard for him to get me on my own. He did not have sex with me. He just did things to me and made me do things to him that make me feel sick evening thinking about.

I am not sure why it stopped, but it was probably a mixture of me finally having the courage to confront him and threatening to tell on him - or more likely the fact that one of our sisters caught him trying to kiss me, so he was afraid he would be caught doing something worse. There was no 'sorry' for what he had done - not that an apology would even begin to make up for what he did. Since then there has not been a word uttered about it between us. I suppose he must think that I have forgotten about it as he seems to have done himself. During my teenage years I tried my best to push it to the back of my mind and got on with living the life of a shy teenager. Since I did not have anyone I could tell my secret to in strict confidence, I said nothing.

My brother is now in his late twenties and has a girlfriend which he says is the one. If she is, and he marries her and has children, what is to stop him from doing the same thing later down the line? If he does, and I have said nothing, am I to blame? What if he already did the same to our younger sisters and it could have been prevented if I had said something? Was it just that he was a teenage boy, trying, for want of a better phrase, to figure out the workings of his body? Was it just because I was such a shy child that he picked me because he supposed I wouldn't say anything? I do not think I can say anything now, especially to my parents, as it would break their hearts, something I'm not prepared to do. Sometimes I just feel so ashamed about what happened, and why he chose me.

I am now going out with a really nice boy for nearly six months. He cannot understand why I am so reluctant to let me near me. It is just that the thought of someone getting close makes me feel nervous and scared, and brings back all the memories. I have never had a boyfriend for this long before, so I suppose the issue never arose. I do not know if I should tell him the truth, or just keep avoiding the topic. I do not think going out with someone for a few months is long enough to tell them your deepest secrets, especially ones you have tried to hard to forget. I have told him it's not him, but something in the past, so he probably just thinks it was bad experiences with other boys.

If I did say something, then I certainly cannot tell him that it was my brother because how can I be sure that he would not say anything to him. Then what I have been hiding for over ten years would literally explode in my face and my family would never be the same again. But I don't think it is something I can forget either. For the past two years I think about it regularly and sometimes cry myself to sleep not knowing what I am supposed to do. At some stage though, I will have to face up to it, and it would be nice to have some insight into what I should do.

Answer
You are a very wise girl not to talk to your boyfriend about what happened to you. And this has nothing to do with shame, because of course you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You were an innocent child who was abused. You played no part in it other than suffering the abuse.

To begin with, you badly need to deal with this yourself first. Telling your boyfriend now would simply burden him with your pain, and then you would have his distress to deal with as well as your own. And as you quite correctly say, he might do something you don't want, so you'd be forced to tell only half a tale, and he might guess anyway. Put simply, you'd lose control of the situation - which would not help you at all. You need time and emotional space, so the story you've told your boyfriend is fine, for now anyway. Whether you ever tell him, or not, is up to you.

What you must do, however, is break the silence. You need to talk, and to someone who can handle the information without getting emotionally involved themselves. So again you are right, it can't be family - not until you've found peace anyway. You need to talk to a professional counsellor.

Even the most horrific horrors lose their power to hurt once light has been let in. Shared with the right person, they can be seen in perspective. So find someone, immediately. You've been alone with your distress for far too long.

The reason counselling helps is because we learn to see things differently. And the very first thing you need to truly accept is that the abuse was not your fault. If your brother chose you because you were quiet, or shy, then that only highlights what a bully he was. Sadly, abuse victims almost invariably feel they were somehow responsible. It's part of the damage that abuse does. You were a great little girl. Just as you are now a great young woman. None of it was even remotely your fault.

It's equally important to understand that you are not responsible for your brother's behaviour. And you never were. The fact that you didn't tell anyone is not your fault either. Clearly, as a small child you didn't feel free to do so. And no, I'm not blaming your parents. This is not a blame game. I'm simply saying that you were faced with a culture of silence and were too young to challenge it. You couldn't tell. Your brother knew that. Otherwise he would never have abused you. And when things changed because a sister caught him kissing you and there was now a witness, someone alert and watchful, he stopped.

Nor are you responsible for anything your brother did, or might do in the future. So no guilt please, either about possible abuse of younger sisters, or potential abuse of his children further down the line. That's his responsibility. Your responsibility to is heal yourself, by getting the help you so richly deserve. Certainly, at some future date, you might decide to open a discussion with him, or within the family, or whatever. But that cannot be even contemplated until you are free of the past, and able to be close and relaxed with someone you love.

I Want To Know Who My Father Is

Question

I'm 19 and in my first year in college. I was raised single-handedly by my mother whom I love very much. My father never wanted anything to do with me, although I do see him sometimes. He has another wife and family.
Recently, while clearing out some stuff at home, I found a legal document dated around the time I was born. It was between my mum and dad and something to do with sorting out a paternity payment. However, the name of the man on the document, who is supposed to be my father, is not the same man whom I have always believed to be my father. I brought this discovery up with my mum but she just brushed it off angrily.

This has really been bugging me as I want to find out who my real father is. But I find the topic so uncomfortable to talk about with my mum, and I really don't want to upset her. I do want to know the truth, even if it means going for paternity tests, or whatever.

Answer
You are a very good son, with a kind and loving heart. You and your mother are lucky to have each other. And I'm sure she's very proud of you too. All that said, we sometimes have to push things, even at the cost of upsetting someone else. The issue of who your father really is will not go away. So yes, you have to face it. So does your mother.

You need to bring it up with her. Tell her you love her, ask her not to get angry, and then say your piece. And yes, say it even if she does get angry. I think you understand that her anger is just a defensive move. She can't actually be angry with you. You had no hand, act or part in how you were conceived. Nor is it in any way, shape or form your fault that you found the document. Your mother kept it. It was her responsibility to hide it better if she didn't want it discovered. Don't be intimidated by her distress. Persist, with kindness - at least in terms of saying your piece.

I am very slow to put the argument that you have a 'right' to know. It's hugely difficult to decide between someone's desire to keep a secret and someone else's right to know the truth. I mean, your mother might have kept this secret, and let it die with her. I presume you have a birth certificate, and I presume the man you know as your dad is named on that. Or maybe there's no father named, but you always accepted that your dad is your dad. The point is, your mother could have kept this other man entirely out of the picture. And who's to say that would have been a wrong thing to do? Oh I know I'm out of step with modern society in saying this, but I firmly believe there is no absolute right to know.

The situation you face is different. This is not about the 'right' to know. You have been presented with a puzzle. That puzzle will not disappear. A wise mother would accept that, and talk to you. It would be wonderful if you could find some way of explaining that to her. As an intelligent woman she must understand that a series of events has now been set in motion. To take appropriate control, she needs to talk to you. Because while I'm not an expert on legal issues, I imagine you have options. Maybe the document was registered somewhere. You have a name and a date. You get the picture.

In all of this I am most certainly not trying to be harsh. And yes, of course, you could decide to drop it. It will never go away, like I said, but you could decide to live with the uncertainty. I just feel that would be a sacrifice too far. And that sacrifice might ultimately come between you and your mother, spoil the intimacy the two of you share. If we're asked to bear too heavy a burden, we turn away. That's why it's important in any relationship to stand up for what we truly need. Think about it.

Over-Demanding Parents

Question

My mother is in her 60's and very active and involved in life. My father is retired and a few years older. He's very active too. Both have plenty of time on their hands, and thankfully healthy. Their marriage has been a happy one, as far as we children can see. My mother grew up in a household blighted by the fact that her father was an alcoholic. This is something she has spoken about, but never dealt with, or confronted, in a therapeutic capacity. Like many adults children of alcoholics, she needs to be in complete control.

My three brothers live abroad, are well settled, happily married and have children. My sister and I still live in Ireland. She's in a long-term relationship, I am single, we are both in our late 30's, and neither of us has children. We are well educated, have interesting careers, and are active in achieving what we want from life, both socially and work-wise and live in the city, having left our home town once we finished college. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that we are busy and involved in our own worlds. Of course we have our difficulties in various areas of our lives, but nothing that our parents need to be involved in. Our mother finds this difficult to understand.

I feel she basically spends a lot of time trying to make myself and my sister feel guilty. She regularly lets us know that we don't visit enough, don't chat enough, don't share our lives with her, don't invite her to visit us in the city. And she recently wrote us both a long letter in which she argued that she felt she was 'entitled' to more time from us, that she and my father had been good parents, and that they were not getting any younger. I might add that I had been down for a weekend only two weeks ago and my sister had been with them the previous weekend. I'm wondering how best to deal with this issue effectively.

Answer
Ah. You've said a lot about your mother, her controlling behaviour, the historical reasons for it, the life she has, the state of her marriage. I can see her. But the only person that matters in this story is you. Guilt is a given in life, except for the sociopaths amongst us. We learn to live with it, at best minimising it, or learning to control it rather than letting it control us. There's no point in demonising your mother – or painting her as the guilty party if you feel demonising is too strong a word. Your task is to handle yourself.

At one level it's quite simple. Your mother wants more of you than you are prepared to give. That doesn't mean her desire is wrong. Nor does it necessarily signify a lack of respect for the life you lead. She just wants you to build in a bigger role for her. That's what she's asking you. And yes, she's manipulating, playing the age card, the duty card, the 'poor me' card. That's not wise, of course. Attempts to create guilt almost invariably make the other person angry – and by the way, you are angry. You can hear it in your tone. But perhaps they are the only weapons she has. Who says parents are necessarily wise anyway.

Your mother's desire for your company makes you feel fundamentally uncomfortable. It puts you in defensive mode. It reveals your weakness, your lack of solid self-confidence in who you are and what you do. Because of all that you feel guilty, and respond with anger. What you need to achieve, of course, is a firm, kind and loving resolve. That comes with clarity about our own needs, conviction about our own basic goodness, and a gentleness towards the person who wants more than we wish to give. Sometimes how we say 'no' is the hurtful part. An angry, defensive and guilt-ridden person isn't going to be kind and tactful. Indeed how we say 'yes' matters too. You may have visited your mother a couple of weeks ago, but did you do it with a full and generous and communicative heart? Is she missing quality, rather than quantity?

Examining our conscience is always essential in resolving angry guilt. Do you keep your emotional distance from a mother you always found controlling? Do you feel angry, or anxious, about the past? Is there unfinished business between the two of you? That doesn't necessarily mean discussing it. It does mean confronting your own distress, and dealing with it. No, I'm not saying your mother is right and you are wrong. I'm saying that you'll find ways of managing your relationship when you've come to terms with your own hidden heartache.

I Don't Get On With My Daughter

Question

I'm 54 years old, happily married to my husband for 30 years and we have four children, three boys and a girl. All three boys are happy. Our daughter is extremely unhappy. And no matter what we do, she remains unhappy. She's had a skin complaint from early childhood, which has resisted all attempts at a cure. It can be painful at times, and unattractive to look at when it flairs up, and obviously this is very upsetting for her, and for us. We have given her every support in trying to find an answer. However, she wants to talk about her problem day and night.

When we feel we have talked about it ad nauseum and want to move onto something else, she retreats into her room. When we try to entice her out of her room, she is abusive towards us and won't come down to meals prepared for her. She has just turned 26. When she eventually comes out of her room it is only to fight with us about not being supportive enough.

I am beginning to feel my age and am just wondering if my parenting days should be over?

Answer
Long over. And misguided too, if you don't mind me being direct. A young child may legitimately rant at you when in distress. It goes with the terrain. Berating parents becomes unacceptable once children reach what used to be called the age of reason. So say by 7 or 8, they have to ask for help, ask for support, ask for attention. And learn to be grateful for gifts received. Of course they can't yet decide on a medical campaign plan, or get themselves 'sorted' in that sense. No matter how sick, however, they cannot be allowed to treat their parents badly. Because that's no longer the small child's inability to differentiate between herself and others. It's abuse.

Quite frankly, your daughter is being outrageous. And you are allowing her to be so. It doesn't matter what the disease, disability, or life-threatening disorder, even the sickest people must obey the basic rules of decency and good-manners. Sure, they will lose it from time to time. We all do. And then we apologise. Your daughter hasn't just adopted the 'sick' role, which is not good for her anyway. She's become an abusive bully. Not on.

Not only is your parenting role over, what you're doing isn't parenting anyway. It's kow-towing to bad behaviour. And that's never a good idea. Your daughter's problems are hers. And it's high-time she got a grip. Is it impossible for her to cook? Why hasn't she found some support group for herself? Can she work? Does she? And why on earth would you try to entice a badly behaved woman out of her bedroom? She abuses when she's around you. Why would you want the company of someone like that?

As you can see, this is a situation you have created. To change it, you have to ferret out your reasons for acting the way you do - and have done, it seems, all your daughter's life. What I found fascinating was your early statement that your daughter isn't happy - and that nothing you do makes her happy, which obviously upsets you. That would be a good place to start the examination of your personal belief-system. Happiness is our own gift to ourselves. Nobody can make someone else happy. It's an entirely personal decision. You cannot, ever, make your daughter happy. It is impossible. Not only is it impossible, the very effort perpetuates this awful situation you all find yourselves in.

Let me say it another way. Attempts at making someone happy are actually appeasement. And appeasing is what we do with bullies. So in a very real way, your daughter's bullying is a co-creation - all three of you are in there, yourself, your husband, and your daughter. If you as parents pull out, the bullying will stop. And remember, bullies aren't happy people either. You'd be doing your daughter a huge favour if you stopped 'enticing' her as you put it.

All this will take time and determination. After all, you've spent a life-time helping your daughter to be who she is. Start by leaving her to sulk, as and when she wishes. Just greet her with a smile when she finally emerges. Oh, and ask her to help you cook that dinner before a sulk starts. Feel free to say you're tired. Find something you need to do urgently when she starts her next monologue. Lots of dodging in other words, the point being that you don't discuss how you're going to behave differently. You just do it. And engage in relentless internal battle with the mind-set that got you where you are in the first place.

In Trouble With My Daughter-In-Law

Question

I'm in a real pickle. I have a 22 year old son who married a girl nearly two years ago because she was pregnant. They lived with us for the first six months and then moved out on their own shortly before the baby was born. I have always been very close to my son. I thought our relationship was fine.

I did a lot for him and his wife and was a big part of the baby's life, or so I thought. My daughter in law is very spoiled and plays manipulative games with friends and other family members when she doesn't get her own way. She has done it with me a few times, and I've always given in because I love my son and I want to see the baby. Recently I went round to babysit my grandson and talked of how much fun we were going to have in the park and the baby-pool. He's just over a year old. My daughter-in-law cringed, I looked at her and said 'no-worries', assuring her that he was fine with me. I raised six children and have eight grandchildren. I thought she was just having a mommy moment and believed that was the end of it. And the baby and I had a great day.

Now I am banned from seeing him. You'd think I'd cut his legs off. I'm also banned from seeing my son. In fact my son won't speak to me, my husband or his sisters. It's like we were dead to him. I've tried apologising, writing letters, calling to their house. I get nothing. We were even excluded from a belated family party to celebrate my grandson's birthday. We were explicitly told not to come by my daughter in law. And while she was at it, she chewed me up and told me she would never forgive or forget what I'd done. She also assured me I'd never see the baby again. My son didn't even call me. The nearest we got were the pictures my daughter in law posted on Facebook. I felt the breath come out of my soul.

I am so hurt. I miss my son. I did nothing wrong. I don't deserve this. Even her mother had a threatening tone when speaking to me, so I am sure my daughter in law has seriously embellished her story. I don't know what to do. I'm getting so depressed that I'm starting to feel it health-wise. I had heart surgery not long ago and don't need this. I pray, but can't sleep and can't concentrate. It's been over a month now.

Answer
Let's get this straight. You did do something wrong. You planned an itinerary for a one-year old baby without consulting his mother. Worse, you knew she wasn't happy about it, patronisingly dismissed it as a 'mommy' moment, and went ahead with your plans. Worse still, you took advantage of her inability to articulate her distress, her failure to stand up to you, her helplessness in the face of being caught off-guard. You bullied her.

It doesn't matter whether you've raised six kids, or are grand-mother to eight more. That's decidedly beside the point. Your daughter in law is the child's mother. Her word goes when it comes to your grandson. It doesn't matter what you want, or what you think is right. It's down to her. It may even be as simple as her wanting to be the one to introduce her son to the baby pool. None of that is relevant. You bullied her and yes, I'm repeating myself, because you need to hear it loud and clear.

I do understand that you didn't set out to be deliberately nasty that day.. But you did display your agenda on your daughter-in-law in very clear terms, however unconsciously. You don't think much of her. You don't like her. You appease her when you think it's tactically necessary. Your interest is your son and grandson. And with all that in your head, you challenged her on a very fundamental issue. You dismissed her as a mother. You showed serious disrespect. Not a wise move.

I am not trying to beat you over the head. These things happen. The first step to mending fences is taking your punishment on the chin. When we transgress, we have to pay our dues, accept the consequences, allow the validity of the other person's anger. We also have to feel real remorse. Whatever your feelings for your daughter-in-law, she didn't deserve to be dismissed as a mother. I am sure this didn't just anger her. It frightened her. A very mature and self-assured person might have felt able to confront you. Although I'm not so sure. How does any woman teach her mother in law proper boundaries? Would the mother in law listen? Look at your response. You don't get it, even now.

Instead you are hurt and upset and pulling a sickie. And that is a very very bad idea. Your energy needs to be engaged in combating your current illness, rather than slipping into the sick role as a way out of your emotional dilemma. You will sleep and concentrate and get well if you humbly accept you were wrong, and then believe that it will come out alright. Because it will, if you behave wisely. Your son hasn't stopped loving you. He's just trying to handle a hard situation.

Leave things be for the moment. Then, say sometime before Christmas, you could write to your daughter-in-law and say you are truly sorry. Explain that you see what you did, that it was unacceptable, and ask her to forgive you. A letter, or email, is better than the spoken word. It allows you to say what you need to say, and in the right tone. Don't push for an immediate answer. Be patient. She has a lot of reasons for wanting you out of her hair - not least because she understands you don't like her.

Meantime, do your emotional homework. This woman is your son's wife. You would think less of him if he failed to stand by her. He is now a husband first and a son second, which is the way it should be. You must accept her status, even if she's not your cup of tea. Even more than that, every human being deserves to be treated with respect. You get the picture. Now go take care of yourself. Loving our sons makes us want to be better human beings. And it will be fine.

Our Son Is Wasting His Life

Question

We are at the point of despair about our son and don't know what to do. He is almost 30 and has wasted his life since finishing school. He gave no trouble as a teenager, did well at school, and went off to college.

Then things went wrong. He took to drink, marijuana and more. He neglected his studies. And then he dropped out completely. For the past l0 years he's been wandering. He did a lot of travelling at first, visiting far away places, picking up casual work to keep himself going. But he's long finished travelling and is just drifting now. He returns home for months at a time and then he's gone again. His appetite is poor, his appearance has deteriorated, he looks 40 rather than 30, and admits to staying in squats when nothing else is available. Lately, even the casual work has been neglected and he's begun 'borrowing' cash from us, although we limit this as much as we can.

The only constant in his life has been drink and marijuana, which he refuses to quit. He has even had a couple of warnings from the Gardai along the way. He didn't get this example at home. We are a hard-working family, drink little and don't even smoke. We've begged him to get help, go into rehab, but he refuses.

He has achieved nothing in life and has no ambition. I'm sure he's unhappy with this existence, but he just says he doesn't know what he wants to do. We fear for his health and state of mind but he says everything is OK. Reading of so many young males being depressed, taking overdoses, finishing themselves off, we fear he may do something drastic, although he's not mentioned anything like this. What should we do?

Answer
Go on loving him is, of course, the first response. Love doesn't, however, mean foolishness. Your son is an addict. He buys booze, marijuana and maybe other stuff too. You don't give addicts money. Yes, I know you're aware of that and try to keep it to a minimum. But that's not enough. It was one thing having to step back and accept that he spent his own money feeding his addiction. It's another matter entirely to finance his addiction.

Yes, I know. There's a very fine line in the sand here. By taking him in, feeding, and minding him for months on end, you are also in a sense supporting his life-style. That's particularly true if during that time he continues to drink and take drugs, which I'm presuming he does. And there is a whole school of thought that says you shouldn't do that. On the other hand, it could be argued that by taking him in you're giving him the chance to find his footing again, particularly when he knows that you don't accept his addictive behaviour, but rather put it up to him that he should go to rehab. Truly, it's difficult to decide. Definitely, however, you should not give him money.

Addicts put us in a shockingly difficult position. Your son is clearly on a down-ward spiral, which is terribly painful to watch. He's already stopped earning. So how will he feed his habit? Clearly there's trouble ahead. But you can't stop him. He has to stop himself. All you can do is maintain contact without allowing yourself to be exploited. That doesn't just mean refusing any demands for money. It means facing the fact that you might have to ban him from the house if he starts stealing from you, or being abusive, or bringing trouble in the form of dealers, or debtors to your door. Not to mention letting him go to jail because you rightly refuse to go bail for him. Hardest of all, you can't allow fear for his safety to distort your vision.

It's so sad. Just don't tear yourself up about it. Your son, like all of us, got a hand of cards to play with, some duds, some great ones. He made his choices.

My Husband And Sister Had A Fling

Question

My husband and my sister had a one-night drunken fling. It came to light shortly before a large family reunion, when she told my mother she couldn't attend as my husband had raped her and she couldn't be in the same room with him. My mother didn't tell anyone at the time.

When the story finally came out, my sister phoned me and repeated the allegation to me. She also suggested she would be scared for the safety of my children, and that my husband had to be stopped. When I confronted him, he admitted the fling immediately, but denied absolutely the allegation that he had raped my sister. And I knew in my heart he would never interfere with our children.

I could not believe all the deception on both their parts and was, of course, gutted. At this stage my entire family knew the story and it split them right down the middle, one half believing the rape story and the other half believing my husband. Shortly afterwards, my mother tragically died in an accident and the funeral was so tense it was exhausting. At a later family meeting, my sister admitted she had been a willing participant in the sordid affair. And I stuck by my husband. He is a good man, a good father, and I love him.

Now that everything has 'gone back to normal', I find myself reliving the night of their fling over and over in my mind. I feel cheated in every way. What I thought I had with my husband, and the relationship I thought I had with my sister, all distorted now. My father and siblings all live abroad, and I feel alone most of the time. My relationship with my husband is not good. Although I felt I forgave him, I am angry with him a lot of the time.

How do I get rid of the anger? I want things to go back to the way they were before this whole mess developed.

Answer
The past cannot, of course, be undone. But you can take another look. At the time you were shell-shocked. Then your mother died. So you were frozen with grief too. In that kind of scenario we don't process our feelings properly, putting them to one side instead while we deal with the crises. Now it's pay-back time. That anger you feel is your legitimate sense of outrage, knocking on the door for proper recognition.

The betrayal by your husband was huge. I don't know exactly how we grade wrong-doing, but on any scale of 1-10 he scores very high. Context matters when it comes to doing something we shouldn't do. Unfaithfulness with anyone is bad. Having if off with your wife's sister is infinitely worse. Not only does it automatically involve sisterly betrayal as well. It also lets you down within your family and creates havoc amongst family members. You've described all that. I'm just not sure that you have allowed yourself to properly feel it. In biblical language, your husband deserves to be horse-whipped. And no, that's not an invitation to violence. It's a metaphor. Your anger is justified.

The betrayal by your sister was beyond huge. Whatever about the actual infidelity, she went on to tell the world a terrible tale. Why didn't she keep it a secret? And why did she escalate the scene to call your husband not only a rapist, but also a potential paedophile? Either she chooses to be truly evil, or else she is in serious need of psychiatric help. Either way, she did not behave like a sister to you. She did not even behave like a civil human being.

You have to make a stand, take up a clear emotional position on what happened. No, I'm not suggesting you throw your husband out. But he needs to hear how badly you were hurt. He needs to listen, and make serious amends. He owes you true remorse. You have to acknowledge too, the true awfulness of your sister's behaviour. Sick, or just plain bad, she's toxic. Deal with it.

Daughter Has Just Declared She Is Gay

Question

Yesterday, as our daughter left to spend ten days with my sister, she announced to me that she is gay. As we literally only had minutes before she had to go, I hugged her, told her that I loved her, and said we would talk about it when she got home. She's due back shortly and I'm scared about how to handle the situation, what to say. She is 15 years old, but has led a very sheltered life. My husband and I were both quite young when she was born and we fear she is still suffering the consequences of our early immature parenting.

Basically I feel she is too young to make such a radical decision. She doesn't even know any boys her own age, let alone know that she isn't attracted to them. Recently she has been spending a lot of time alone in her room with her computer. I'm worried she has made this decision based on things she has found on the internet. I would like to tell her that she can make an informed decision when she is older, and that we will support and love her no matter what. But for the next few years, I'd like to say, she should just mix with girls and boys, enjoy life, and not worry about her sexual orientation. Is that a good way to go?

I don't want my daughter to make a decision now that could rule out things she may decide too late that she wants - like a husband and children. She is a quiet and nervous girl, and very shy with people she doesn't know. I feel she needs to socialise more. How do I encourage her to do this? She isn't sporty, has no interest in clothes or shopping. I'm worried.

Answer
Children certainly know how to choose their moments. And you managed a difficult situation really well. You are a loving and kind mother. You are going to handle this. Just be prepared for the fact that your daughter will probably breeze in the door talking about anything other than the little bomb-shell she dropped as she said goodbye. Or perhaps she'll be in non-communicative mode, leaving you working hard at finding out how her holiday went, while both of you ignore the elephant in the room, namely your unfinished conversation. Or perhaps she'll even behave totally out of character and charge through the door insisting you continue that conversation, there and then.

I think you, not she, should choose the moment. This is a very serious matter. But it must not become a drama. Nor should you be forced into responding at an unsuitable moment, like just before Sunday lunch, or while younger children are watching a video in the living room next door, or whatever. How you respond is as important as what you say. Your daughter is only allowed one shot at emergency mode. She's already taken that. Calmness and a steady pace should now dictate the discussion. But don't dodge either. Sometime before she goes to bed, say to her that you're going to talk to her to-morrow. And have a time chosen when both of you are free.

You are absolutely right. The decision of a socially isolated 15 year old girl cannot be taken unchallenged when she talks of being a lesbian. That doesn't mean she's automatically wrong. Things may turn out that way. Nor does it mean that you simply say you don't believe her. At this point in time, that is her state of consciousness. Or as scientists might say, that is her hypothesis, her current assessment of who she is. She's put some thought - not to mention feelings - into this assessment. That effort to understand herself has to be respected.

You are also absolutely right about what's happened. In the absence of social contacts, she's consulted cyberspace. And yes, that is a cry for help. Just as her announcement to you was a cry for help. You tell her you respect what she's saying, but ask her to respect what you're saying too - namely that decisions about ourselves can be influenced by circumstances. Look at all the girls who believe they are ugly, when every onlooker can see they are not. Our emotions dictate our perception of ourselves. And that is particularly true when our experience is limited. Boys are too clumsy to approach us when we're shy. And we then think we are unattractive.

If you felt it would help, you could also tell your daughter that a whole school of psychological thought sees crushes on other girls as a rite of passage to womanhood. Or explain that sexuality isn't nice and neatly packaged, and that undercurrents of homosexuality exist in most people, if not all, that sexuality is a question of someone being predominantly heterosexual, rather than exclusively so, and that only a lively engagement with the world can show us who we really are.

Finally, doing is as important as any conversation. Take your daughter by the hand and introduce her to the world.

Mother-in-Law Driving Me Mad

Question

I am at my wits' end with an interfering mother-in-law. She lives next door to us, she thinks my 43 year old husband is four, she is involved in all aspects of his life - and hence in mine too. She knows how much money we owe, the amount of each bill we receive, how we spend what we have. I know that most of the problem lies in the fact that my husband still tells her everything. I also know that she has our best interests at heart. But sometimes I feel like banging my head off a wall.

My husband thinks it's a great help to us that she is there for occasional baby-sitting etc. and I am glad of that help when it is needed. The flip side is that I have to allow her into other aspects of our life. That turns out to be far more expensive than any child-minder. How do I handle this without falling out with everybody? I don't want to cause any problems for my husband either. My mother in law is a very strong character.

Answer
The person who has you ready to bang your head off a wall is not your mother in law. It's your husband. And she's not interfering - for that implies walking in when you are most definitely not invited. Your husband is inviting her in. He's appealing to her as a mother to listen to his stories. And she's submitting to the seduction. She doesn't know things because she opens your envelopes. She knows them because your husband tells her. Certainly she may ask. But that's what you do, when someone regularly tells you things, you ask. It's the currency of their relationship. Of course is she were wiser, she wouldn't play the game. But, truly, he's the one you have to tackle.

And what do you mean when you say that you don't want to cause your husband any problems? He is the problem. No, you don't have to fall out with him. You do have to tell him how you feel. More importantly, you have to lay responsibility squarely at his feet, which is where it belongs. At the moment you're using your mother in law as a scapegoat. When you talk to your husband, you refer to her as interfering, as if she were the one at fault. Like I said, she's not being wise. But it's your husband who is telling tales.

It is hard to change the habitual conversation we have with those we love. It's hard, in short, to break a habit. On top of that, your husband doesn't see the need to change. He's happy having his mother know your financial arrangements. Is it possible, then, that you're being over-sensitive? Is this a woman-on-woman power struggle, rather than an actual issue in itself, a question of feeling that your husband isn't being loyal to you, the sense that he's tied to his mother's apron strings, rather than being your man? Would it be a good idea, maybe, to tell him you feel vulnerable? Could you ask him, for your sake, to tone down the intimacy with his mum? Instead of accusing him of behaving like a child, could you ask him to stop, for your sake, not because what he's doing is wrong, but because it makes you so unhappy?

Sister-in-Law Says My Husband Is Bad

Question

I'm in a dark and difficult place. I'm married 25 years to a great guy, we have three children, jobs we like, and a decent happy life. Or we did until about a year ago. At that point it became obvious that my sister-in-law was excluding us from family gatherings she hosted. When my husband asked his mother what was going on, she explained that it was the result of something that happened nearly 40 years ago. Apparently my husband, who was then in his early teens, managed to look at his sister-in-law's naked body. She was about 10 at the time. There was no touching or anything else involved. We are all in our fifties at this stage.

Now we are pariahs. My husband has apologised any number of times over the years. It's like ground-hog day with the apologies. I spend my time crying in private about the prospects of a court case. I am so angry with my sister-in-law. Why couldn't she accept the apologies? I can't forgive or forget what she's done. I've been to counselling, but it hasn't helped. I'm completely worn out by it all. I don't know where to turn.

Answer I can't, of course, say anything about a pending court case. I do think you should clear that question up with your solicitor. Can someone really put a case together forty years after the event - an event which happened when both parties were so young? I mean, is this just a threat on your sister-in-law's part? You need a realistic assessment from a professional. We fret less when we know what we have to face.
I'm not sure you are actually pariahs. As you tell it, you are only excluded when your sister-in-law organises a family get-together. The rest of the family are probably trying to steer a calm path through troubled waters and hold everything together. No, it's not nice, but family fights are sort of par for the course aren't they, generally speaking I mean? You don't have to feel so wounded. It's one incredibly vindictive middle-aged woman being a drama queen. It happens. Your husband has said he's sorry for any hurt caused. He has to stop apologising now. It's only perpetuating the silliness. It's also undignified.
Your distress feeds your sister-in-law's recently discovered grievance. Stop showing it. Stop giving her so much power. You and your husband have been blessed with a lovely life. Protect it. Enjoy it. So she has her family feasts and you're not there. Big deal. Who in their right mind would want to be anywhere near such an immature and nasty woman, who's clearly milking a politically-correct issue for all it's worth?
At one level, of course, you have to take this seriously. A detailed session with a lawyer would solve that, like I said. And then you have to show you can't be bullied - because that, of course, is what's happening right now.

Is My Sister-in-Law Depressed?

Question

My sister-in-law got married last year. She has now been diagnosed with depression, and it appears she has been in a continuous state of depression for a number of years prior to the diagnosis.

During the time I have known her, I felt that, at times, she was miles away, distracted, disoriented even. And while she was pleasant in company, she sometimes looked unhappy when caught off-guard. But I would never have described her as being overly sad - or overly happy for that matter. Laid-back instead of happy, perhaps, and apathetic rather than sad, would have been my description.

My question is, could she have fallen in love, got engaged and got married while in this depressed state? And if not, what will happen when she is cured? I mean, did she merely drift along emotionally into marriage, or could she possibly have had genuinely loving feelings for her partner while depressed.
Answer
That's an interesting question, both in itself and in the fact that you ask it. What I'm wondering about is the relationship you have with your sister-in-law - because people never ask me theoretical, or academic, questions. But let's look at depression first.

It comes in several sizes. It can be so severe that the person is psychotic, which simply means out of touch with reality, imagining things if you like. It can be crippling, with a degree of exhaustion that makes it impossible to get out of bed. It can sensitise us to physical pain, numb emotions, freeze the mind into unhappy fuzziness. Sometimes it simply entails a pervasive bleakness, or the absence of all joy, where life is a daily grind of relentless, unrewarding effort. It can affect mind, heart and body - together or separately and to varying degree. Depression can also come and go.

Decisions can, of course, be made. Some are catastrophic, born of skewed sense of reality, like thinking a baby would be better off dead. Some are heartbreaking, like suicide. Some are just plain disasterous. Think of a widow selling up and moving to heavens only knows where while still grieving, or mistakenly thinking a quick second marriage might ease the pain. And some decisions, of course, are life-savers, like seeking help, or deep down having the wit to find the man of your dreams.

At this stage I'd say you're screaming. Because what I think you really wanted to know is whether or not your sister-in-law is a fraud. No need to be unhappy if this is the case. Depression in others drives us wild because it can seem so arbitrary. There's no definite diagnostic test either, no reading of a blood sample, or brain scan, which tells us it's really there. We just have to take a person's word for it, basically, and work around that. Certainly some symptoms are obvious. Many are not. Nor is the outcome predictable. There is no time-scale. It all depends.

I'd say what you need to do is butt out. Perhaps the family is making a huge fuss. Certainly your sister-in-law's depression is currently featuring pretty large in your life. Get it in perspective. Be supportive where you can. Don't get sucked in beyond a point that is reasonable. She has a husband and a family. And try and keep your opinions to yourself. The truth or otherwise of your sister-in-law's depression is not something you need to solve. It's not an argument you need to win, with anybody.

Depression is very real. Its extent is also often hidden. We do well to be kind and generous.

My Daughter Is Breaking My Heart

17th January, 2010

Question
I feel so helpless about my relationship - or rather non-relationship - with my only daughter. She's in her early thirties, has had a troubled life and blames it all on me. I suppose it doesn't help that her four brothers have all done well. She is a recovering alcoholic and is bipolar. She is extremely intelligent but not emotionally so. She dropped out of college, lost various jobs, but has now got her life together and is back studying as a mature student and doing very well.

I always helped her financially, seeing her through every crisis and of course supporting her while studying. However, she recently refused financial help from me for a special family gathering, saying she never got it when she needed it, which is patently untrue. I do not know why she turned on me this time. The things she said were so hurtful. We never had a good relationship, but since this recent refusal to take money from me, I'm finding it all very painful. I'm not sleeping very well, and not a day goes by that it doesn't bother me.

I have had years of worry about her. I've tried everything. I apologised for anything I might have got wrong, or for any hurt I caused her and said I'd always done my best. She retorted that my best wasn't good enough. I've often told her I love her and would like to hear from her, but she just storms off. She has a terrible temper and has to be right all the time. She comes home occasionally but the atmosphere is always awful. My husband has never been any help. He preferred to avoid all confrontation, so I was invariably the big bad wolf in the house.

I feel so envious of my friends when I see them shopping with their daughters and doing girlie things. My daughter never even returns my calls, to the point where I've stopped ringing her. I've been to counsellors over the years and am now just so tired of talking, but getting nowhere. I'm in my mid-sixties and want out.

Answer
Dealing with anyone who is bipolar, or manic depressive, is very difficult. The mania, in particular, is hard to handle. It's not just that people do way-out or impulsive or self-destructive things such as your daughter apparently did by ditching college. They are very angry, and feel free to vent their anger. When manic, they also, invariably, blame others. Most distressing of all, they break the social barriers of normal kindness and consideration and say vicious things, to which there is really no reply. They give themselves permission to be outrageous. And at the time it's all happening, they don't even notice.

All this is possible because mania involves a dissociation from other human beings. The person becomes disconnected, emotionally closed down, switched off. This is felt most keenly in close relationships like husband and wife, brothers and sisters, or parent and child, which is your sad dilemma. Your daughter might be civil to say your friends or neighbours, but vicious to you. We could talk for weeks, or even years, about the causes of bipolar disorder. Personally, I'm convinced it's a complicated mix of emotion and physiology, a delicate combination of psychology and body or brain chemistry. But the point is, your daughter is the one who has to solve it. You can't.

Instead you have to ask yourself a hard question. Why do you want a relationship with your daughter? Yes, I know you say you'd like to do girlie things with her like your friends do with their daughters, but that's not it - or not all of it. You see, while you can't fix your daughter, because only she can do that, you can change your behaviour towards her. That, in turn, will change the dynamics of your relationship.  But behaviour only changes when we ask ourselves why we're doing it. Hence my question.

A simple example: You offered your daughter money for some family event - presumably to help her play her part. She refused. You were upset. You're still upset. Why? Yes, I know she said nasty things, but that's a separate issue. You tell me that she's got her act together. Couldn't you see her refusal of financial help as a statement of independence? Wouldn't it be possible to smile, be glad she doesn't need the money, and retreat gracefully? Or is it that you need her to need you? Or are you so consumed with guilt that you feel impelled to go on approaching her? And don't you see, that as long as you chase her, one thing is guaranteed. She will continue to be nasty to you, and continue to retreat.

Sometimes we just have to let go. Sometimes that's the biggest gift we can give someone we care for. And sometimes it brings them closer. You need to take a rest from trying. It's the only way forward for you. And it's not a statement of failure. It's the wisdom that comes with loving.

Cheating Son

29th November, 2009

Question
I am trying to make sense out of something which is really distressing me. Our 34 year old son was in a relationship with a lovely girl for five years. A few months ago he moved out of their apartment. The still see each other, but he is also seeing another girl, and lying to both.

I cannot condone what he is doing and have talked to him about it. My distress, however, is with my husband's reaction. He will not talk to our son about his behaviour and accuses me of interfering. It appears my husband sees nothing wrong in what is going on, and somehow gets some kind of kick out of what my son is doing. I am aware that all of this has deep roots. And I'm wondering if my son is playing out some role his father played in the past, just to get from him the recognition he always yearned for.

While they were growing up, the children were exposed to a lot of fighting between me and my husband due to my husband's insane jealousy and moodiness. I kept the peace at all costs because the marriage was a dangerous place to be at the time, and with four children to raise there were also practical considerations. Because of his job, my husband was always in the company of young, attractive girls. He still is. And now I can't help wondering if my husband cheated on me, and my son knows?

Some years ago my son said he had no idea how I put up with his father's behaviour, but presumed that there was nothing I could have done, and nowhere I could have gone. I was very taken aback, because I thought I had done a fairly good job at covering it all up. At that time I thought he was talking about his father's bad moods. Now I wonder if he was talking about other women my husband might have had? He is a very loving person, has a terrific career, and I would be devastated to see him mess up his life.

Would it be unfair on my son to ask him if my husband cheated? Or if he saw my husband's involvement with his young female colleagues as a form of cheating? And am I wrong to ask my husband to be responsible and talk to our son? My understanding of parenthood is to always be there.

Answer
There are two storey-lines getting entangled here, namely your son's and yours, so let's try to untangle them.

You are absolutely right to let your son know that you don't approve of his behaviour towards the women in his life. He either told you about it, or allowed you to witness it, so it is entirely correct to take a stand. That's not just because you're a parent. You are also his friend. And a good friend does not pretend bad behaviour is acceptable. That said, don't fool yourself into thinking you can change your son. His behaviour is not your responsibility. It's his. Having said your piece, you must then bow out.

I don't think it's appropriate to try pushing your husband into making a similar stand. The danger here is that you're pushing him for the wrong reason. You're testing him. You want to hear what he has to say. You're seeking clarity about where your husband stands in the fidelity stakes, for your own peace of mind. It's alright to want reassurance. Asking him to criticise your son's behaviour is not a good way to go about getting that reassurance.

No, I don't think you should ask your son about his father's fidelity either. Dragging children into their parents' private lives - no matter how old they are - is never a good idea. But there is something fundamentally important that you could do for your son. He has already set the scene, even though it was a few years ago, by telling you he wondered how you had stuck it, how you had put up with his father's behaviour. Talk to him about that. Tell him that there was, indeed, nowhere you could go. Or rather that you judged, on balance, that it was better to stay. How it did not mean you condoned his father's behaviour. Let him know that you worry about the role model his father may have been for him. Tell him you're concerned that perhaps, in staying, you left him with the unconscious, but powerful, message, that it's somehow alright to be less than nice to women.

Please understand that I am not attempting to lay a guilt trip on you. I know you love your son and I'm just trying to help you express that love. The bottom line is that we're not responsible for the legacy anyone else leaves our children. What your husband has done, or failed to do, is not down to you. The only behaviour we can legitimately explain is our own. Nor am I for one moment criticising your decision to stay and put up with your husband. All I'm saying is that it might be very wonderful, and indeed necessary, for your son to hear you talk about it. And don't you see? Having that talk is your very best shot at weakening your husband as a role model, somebody your son might want to please by behaving badly, which is what you're really worried about.