Question
I've been going out with my boyfriend for the past 8 years. I've always thought that he was the one, but lately I've become less sure. This time last year I was hoping he'd pop the question. Now I'm praying that he won't.
I'm losing respect for him. Everything he does seems to annoy me. We met in university and I've always wanted to travel. He has always said he wanted the same thing, but the years have passed and it's still not the right time for him. I can't see that changing. His career has been very stop start and he's never had a job he's been happy in. He is also in quite a bit of debt. I'm bored and frustrated. I try to make plans with him but he never commits. Instead he prioritises getting the perfect job and leaves everything else up to me.
I know I'm the worst person for over-analysing situations and for wanting everything to be perfect. My boyfriend is kind and caring and I know he loves me very much. I also know that if both of us had the money, we'd already be married. I just can't understand how my feelings for him have been turned on their head after so many years together. I'm also afraid that if I walked away, I would regret it hugely. My terror is that I'd still find myself bored and frustrated, as well as alone.
Answer
Look at what's happening to you. You have dreams, none of which have been tried or tested. Instead, you're sitting around feeling bored and frustrated. Worse, you have your boyfriend to blame. That's not a good place to be. It's not good for your relationship either. And it's happening because you've tied yourself into an unnecessarily tight relationship knot.
It doesn't matter what your boyfriend actually says – like wanting to travel. His priority, as you point out yourself, is finding the right job. I don't see that as a reason for you losing respect for him. The reality is that he's sticking to his guns – and you're not. You want to travel, but you're allowing that slide. Why? Why can't you link up with a couple of other women, or some other group, and do your travelling? Yes, I understand that you'd like to do it as a couple. But your boyfriend is not less a man for saying no, for having a different agenda.
The fact that you have a long-term boyfriend doesn't mean you are tied to his apron strings. It's down to you to live out your dream. It may be magic. And it may be a lot less than you had imagined. That doesn't matter. What matters is that you take charge of your life, take responsibility for your own happiness, test the water with your own ten toes. Nothing ruins a relationship like one person blaming the other for dreams that were never delivered on. You can see that yourself. You are disillusioned with your boyfriend, and why? Because you are refusing to be independent. Instead, you're sitting around waiting for him to make it happen. That's not very wise is it?
Our frustration is always our own. Your boyfriend is not frustrating you. You are frustrating yourself by failing to fulfil your own ambition. Go try the dream. The independence, clarity, and insight you'll achieve while doing that will only enrich your relationship, not least because you will have learned to take responsibility for your own destiny.
