Question
I find it very hard to fancy someone. When I do, I fall for them really hard and it takes me months, sometimes years, to get over them. In recent years I have fallen for men whom I met through work. They have been very intelligent and great company and I have seriously fancied them - even fallen deeply in love. They tell me, and show me, that they are crazy about me. However, all of them have been in relationships, so my relationship with them was always platonic. I would never break up a couple. But in the process of falling for them, and then grieving for them, I'm closed off to meeting someone else.
I am 31, a former model, have a great job, and am great at living life to the full. I get asked out a huge amount of times, even when I'm just out for a walk, or in a supermarket. I don't mean to sound vain, but I am extremely good-looking and this is something a lot of people comment on. For me it has been more of a problem than a plus, the reason being that men can see me as a trophy, and women can see me as a threat, so I get very badly hurt. I usually keep this to myself as nobody will have empathy if they think you are saying that "it's tough to be beautiful".
I really really want to meet someone, but I haven't had a proper boyfriend in nearly 10 years. I am not gay. I have questioned this, but I'm not. I really wouldn't care if I was. I just want to love someone and for them to love me. I have so much to give, but I'm terribly fussy. Please help. I don't want to end up alone. There is something blocking me from finding love and I really don't know what it is.
Answer
Beauty is like financial riches. It can cloud the issue of why someone is really in your life. So yes, it can be tough to be beautiful.
You, however, are making it an awful lot tougher. Look at what you're telling me. You fall for married, or otherwise committed men. They adore you. And then you back off. And you wonder why other women see you as a threat? Don't you think they know that you either like the safety of the unattainable, or the conquest of someone else's man? Either way, can't you see that this makes you an enemy? And do you think it helps for one minute, that you proclaim you would never break a couple up? Don't you see that the exercise of your power is what makes you so dangerous to be around? The fact that other peoples' happiness is in your control?
Believe me, I am not trying to be nasty to you. I am trying to tear down the veil which stops you seeing the truth, namely that you are the maker of your own destiny. It's not your beauty which is isolating you. It's your behaviour. And yes, I do understand that there is something serious blocking you from finding real love. You're dodging any kind of sexual involvement. Falling for men in committed relationships, combined with an attitude of never breaking up a couple, means you can keep it platonic. You get all the attention you crave, carve out a kind of controlled intimacy, but never have to take the sexual plunge. And no, I don't think you are gay either. At least it's not the only possible explanation. I think you could well have been emotionally damaged at some early point in your life, leaving you either terrified of sexual involvement, or else hooked on seduction, which is all the more compelling because it is never consummated. No, it is never a good idea to try and make a diagnosis on the basis of one letter. I'm not doing so. I'm just trying to paint some possible scenarios.
You're not fussy, as you put it. You are emotionally crippled, or blocked as you say yourself, which is very different. And yes, this handicap is relegating you to a very lonely life. I don't like suggesting therapy all the time, but you do need to disentangle your emotions and fears and belief systems and perceptions. And from where I'm sitting, it looks like that's going to require some professional help.
