Question
I am finding it hard to decide if I'm with the right person, even though I've invested a lot of effort in the last few years. I wake up with a sense of unease in the mornings. He used to flirt and that has stopped. After I caught him sending 'kisses' to people on an adult site, he said he realises that he was close to losing me and has stopped doing that too. My main problem, which remains, is that he becomes sulky and sullen, or even nasty, when we argue about any issue I raise.
The bottom line is that I still don't feel I'm being treated with respect because of the way he talks to me. I feel I'm a play-thing, constantly being laughed at for being a clown. I have noticed his mother putting herself down and berating herself in a joking way over the smallest things, like having too many tissues in her pocket. So I'm wondering if the way my partner treats me has something to do with his upbringing. He also teases my family mercilessly, which they take good- naturedly for my sake.
I don't feel emotionally supported, especially when I'm having a tough time at work and would like someone in my corner. I'm not sure if the relationship is worth more effort. I am now thirty and would like to have children one day.
Answer
We sometimes miss the fact that there are real cultural differences between families - even when they seem similar in terms of money, faith and class. Some families shout at each other and make up quickly. Others carry grudges, sulk and don't speak. Some talk things out, maybe even to excess. Others are happy clappy, pretending all is well when it most definitely is not. Some tease each other, make a lot of 'put-down' jokes, or tell the truth bluntly. Others pussy-foot around, send hints, leave each other guessing, avoid saying anything straight. Put another way, families handle their differences differently.
We underestimate how difficult it is when such cultural backgrounds clash in a relationship. You tell me that self-critical jokes, teasing you, and laughing at you, are all part of the way your boyfriend handles togetherness. It's clearly not yours. This doesn't automatically mean he's lacking in love for you. It does mean you feel unloved, unsupported and disrespected. There's a sizeable communication gap between you.
Communication in a relationship isn't about talking really. It's about emotional messages. A very short story: I had a grandmother whom my sister and I visited every Saturday and who never stopped scolding. She'd meet us at the gate asking if our mother ever washed us, complaining about how we had straggled up the street looking like orphans. As she cut into the second apple tart for our tea, she'd give out about how much we ate, pointing out that she'd have to bake one again for Sunday - you get the picture. And we knew she adored us.
You and I could spend a long time talking about why. The point is, we're programmed very early in life to hear how we're loved. For some, words are love. For others it's taking out the bins - or as in my grandmother's case, fixing and feeding and tending to our needs. A man might move heaven and earth to please us, yet leave us lonely. What I'm saying is someone can love us greatly, and it's no use. We can't hear it, feel it, experience it.
No, that's not necessarily a death sentence for your relationship. We can learn different emotional languages. Your mind, if you like, can override your instinctive negative response to teasing, understand that your boyfriend loves you, and allow you to feel cherished. But we can only do that up to a point.
You have to decide when that point has been reached. It's not good that your impression of your relationship is largely one of you making a huge investment, trying really hard, working at it. Where's the joy? On top of that, that sense of constant effort means that every time your boyfriend fails you - like sending kisses on some 'adult' computer site - it becomes an even bigger issue than it is. You don't see he stopped because he loves you and you asked him. You see it as one more problem on top of everything else. Do you understand?
Yes, it is decision-time, at least sometime soon. Thirty is a turning point, for marriage, for babies, for future endeavours. Even more importantly, you've been together several years, so this is not some snap decision. No, that doesn't mean you have to panic. All relationships are an effort in getting it right. Sometimes, however, that effort can be too great, the rewards to few, the emotional loneliness too unbearable. Think about it. But concentrate on yourself, not your boyfriend. It's not about him doing things well or badly. It's about whether you are getting enough solace to survive. Remember, he could be the most wonderful man in the world and still not do it for you.
