Question
I'm an 18 year old girl and heading to college this month. This, however, is not my problem.
Since I was 13 or 14 years old I've had an issue with food, dieting, and ultimately my image. I was always a thin child, but when I hit puberty I gained a few pounds and I supposed it frightened me a little. Straight away I felt I had to do something about it. I embarked on a 'healthy living' regime, exercised regularly, and soon noticed that I had toned up. But of course this little regime became more intense. I became obsessed and thought of nothing else. Losing weight gave me a buzz, and a feeling of superiority in comparison to other girls. I was crazed. If I missed a day at the gym, or ate anything with a high calorie count, I would feel disgusting and useless and basically hated myself. Exercise was a drug and I worked out religiously to an unhealthy extent and, as you can imagine, my weight plummeted.
Of course my parents noticed and I was brought to the G.P. I lied about my eating, pretending to eat more than I did. I also felt pure hatred towards the G.P. when she suggested I should cut back on exercise. Thus fuelled me even more and for an entire year, I lived on an apple a day and a small dinner in the evening, combined with a punishing exercise routine. It was as if I was spurred on by people like my parents having noticed, and I enjoyed having this secret little world where I refused to follow advice.
Soon enough, though, my father caught me exercising late one night and my parents booked a consultation with a specialist. He was genuinely a lovely person and very understanding. But I still didn't open up and tell him the whole truth about my eating habits. However, I did improve and now eat three balanced meals a day. For a while I tended to binge eat, but I feel more in control now. But I did struggle with this throughout 5th and6th year at school which wasn't easy. My parents just presumed that I had been magically cured after the consultation. They also presume that I'm fine now, but I'm not.
I eat well now and have a more normal attitude towards exercise, but a part of me still feels damaged. And lately I feel so alone and isolated. This took up all my teen years and I feel it took its toll on me mentally. I have problems opening up to people, or letting my guard down, and I tend to obsess over things. Studying was another obsession. Maybe I have some kind of inadequacy issue, and felt that I have to be better than others. Right now I just feel apathetic. Even though I achieved the points I needed for my course, I was 20 points short of my ideal target which made me feel useless and a failure. I'm starting the course of my choice, but I feel nothing. When I had lost all the weight and reached my target, I had a similar feeling. Emptiness. Nothing.
I feel the last two years drained me as I was trapped in my own little obsessive world and now I just don't care. The fact that I can't, or won't, talk to anyone means I can't rectify how I'm feeling. I just want to move on with my life and leave this in the past, but I feel it will never go away. Please help me.
Answer
You do recognise the dilemma, don't you? You want to be in total control, but you also want help. Therapy or counselling or just plain advice only makes sense, however, if someone prepared to give up a little control. Of course you must pace it. We can only take on board what we're emotionally capable of absorbing. After that, all of us shut our ears. It's how we stay balanced and basically sane. Total control, however, means having those ears tightly shut from day one. So you do see that you have to open yours a little don't you?
Look at what you're telling me. You say you either can't or won't talk to anyone about how you are. Can we hope that that's just fearful defiance? Sometimes we're categorical simply because we're scared. You liked that consultant you saw some years ago. Could you envisage confiding in him now? Or at least talking to him, or someone similar? There are many therapists who don't tell you what to do. They simply allow you the freedom to talk, accompany you on your journey of self-discovery, maybe offering an odd insight here or there. Would you like that?
Can I tell you something straight? I think you're very very angry. That is not any kind of criticism. I am sure your anger is entirely justified, although of course I don't know what happened to cause it. And I know you're very frightened. Obsessive behaviour always has its origins in a high level of anxiety. Your desire to control, in other words, is fuelled by two powerful emotions, anger and anxiety. So is the depression you now feel - or the emptiness as you put it.
Will you allow me to give you some advice? Are those ears open, even just a little? In the hope that they are, here goes: The way out of your despair is to take a leap of faith, make an act of trust, step into uncharted territory, and find some professional to talk to. Because right now you're biggest problem is isolation - and it's not necessary.
