Question
I've been dating my girlfriend for a year and am very much in love with her.
I am naturally a more passive type of person, so she tends to make decisions. And I let her, because she seems to want to do it. I have tried making a few decisions myself but this doesn't seem to please her. Yet when I sit back, she then accuses me of not doing my fair share. She can be quite insulting to me at times and sometimes she is completely unreasonable. When I try to discuss something which is bothering me, or something that is really serious, she doesn't listen. Instead she prefers to talk about her own problems. At other times she is very nice, pleasant and a pleasure to be around.
I'm worried she may be suffering from some kind of depression. In the space of even a few hours, she can go from being extremely happy and nice to being quite depressive and a nightmare to be around. I have mentioned this to her more than once, but she says she has always been like this and I shouldn't be so sensitive. I feel she has two personalities and I'm only in love with one of them.
I now find myself walking on eggshells all the time, wondering what mood she is in. It's becoming quite unbearable. I don't want to lose her, but I fear that's where it's heading.
Answer
Your girlfriend is bullying you. Or if you don't like that notion, she's being bad-mannered and uncivil to you. And you are allowing it to happen. Worse, you're making excuses for her, and in the process making excuses for your failure to tackle her properly. Maybe she is moody. Maybe she is even depressive. Maybe she even has mood-swings, driven, perhaps, by poor diet and sugar cravings. I don't know, and wouldn't dream of trying to make a diagnosis long distance.
What I do know is that none of that is an excuse. You're not walking on eggshells around your girlfriend because you're concerned for her mental health. You're afraid to challenge her. In fact you're so frightened of confrontation that you'd prefer to allow the relationship to fail.
Yes, your girlfriend bears the responsibility for her own bad behaviour. The point is, you bear responsibility for your failure to defend yourself. Why do you stand and take her insults? Why don't you insist that she treat your properly? Why walk on eggshells instead of confronting her? Why leave decisions to her rather than insisting you take them jointly? What's with all this passivity? And why is walking away your only perceived option?
We choose the people we love. And we repeat the pattern in our next choice, and in the one after that. You need to resolve the way you behave in a relationship, not just to save this one, but to save yourself.
