Question
My wife and I are married ten years. I'm 38 and she's two years younger. We are blessed with three healthy children. Both of us have professional careers. We don't work excessive hours and don't have a long commute. We have both families nearby, so my wife and I can go out and spend quality time together. We are middle income earners with a lovely house, a modest mortgage and no debts.
I love women and I love sex. Before marrying I had a couple of tender, sexually fulfilling relationships, the last of these with my wife. We were serious and very much in love. When she became pregnant, we decided to tie the knot. With hindsight, we were clearly not ready for marriage.
Early on in our relationship I was still sleeping with other women. I was arrogant and naïve. I derived a fleeting does of superficial self-esteem because my caddishness seemed to fuel the ardour of my lovers, my wife included. One ex girlfriend was still very emotionally involved with me. I found this hard to handle and at one point broke off the relationship with the woman who is now my wife and went to live with my old flame. This didn't work out and I drifted back to my wife.
This has scarred my marriage. I thought a line could be drawn under this part of my life by being a true and devoted fiancé and husband. We both promised each other this. But perhaps not surprisingly, my wife is still suspicious of me and I have to work extremely hard to gain her trust.
After getting pregnant, my wife lost her sex drive. A hug, a cuddle and a peck on the cheek was all the physical intimacy she desired. Anything sexual was outsider her comfort zone. I tried to be understanding, patient and supportive and bit the bullet, putting these changes down to pre- and post-natal depression. I became isolated from friends and family as my wife was hostile to any of my social circle that existed outside our joint acquaintance.
From the beginning, then, my marriage was a carousel of unrequited love. I have never been permitted to initiate sex ad consequently over the years I totally lost the confidence and spontaneity required to do so. My wife could be devastatingly callous in her rejection of me and I have never got over some of the hurtful things she has said.
It seems obvious to me that the only time my wife wants sex with me is when she feels insecure or broody. Our youngest child is three years old and we've only had sex once in six years. I am simply expected to put up with being celibate. I try to tell my wife how our abstinence leaves me feeling terribly hurt, frustrated and depressed, but she is totally dismissive of my feelings. Instead she looks for excuses. When there is nothing circumstantial, she digs for flaws in my character and conduct. I wrote of my feelings twice to her, but nothing happened. When face to face, I draw attention to the elephant in the room of our marriage, but this inevitably ends up as a ferocious row. I then have to back off because the level of verbal and sometimes physical abuse my wife meets out. My greatest fear and shame is to expose the children to this. Consequently, a main preoccupation of my marriage has been to avoid this sort of confrontation.
After I threatened to move out, we went to counselling. Despite everything, we both felt very committed to a future together and really wanted to make our marriage work. An essential ground rule was that my wife's physical aggression had to cease. It was suggested in counselling that sex had become too big an issue and we should concentrate on other aspects of our relationship. Later my wife went alone to deal with 'anger issues'. We both found it a lot easier to live with each other. We both made an effort and got on better. The issue of sex was not, and has not, been addressed, or even discussed.
As time passes, the habit of suppressing my sexual desire has made me morose. I am never free from a deep feeling of dejection. I tried to be stoically happy. But this was just the weak optimism of vain hopes. The elephant was still crammed in the closet and growing, despite a diet of wisdom reading. It's hard to attain anything approaching a sublime state as a scorned husband, raising a family, and working to pay the bills.
Although my wife tells me she finds me good-looking, this seems to be something confined to her ideal of a public husband. She likes the parade of going out with me as the spruced-up happy spouse. My wife still likes us to share the bed together, a coy closeness that torments me. I drink and read to the point of exhaustion, an insomniac technique that I use to fall asleep. On our anniversary we went away for a few days together and I played the platonic romantic partner as best I could. Much to my wife's chagrin, I moved out of the marital bedroom once we got home.
Although as parents we work well together, as husband and wife we have built an unhealthy environment for our children. I totally despair of finding happiness in my marriage. The fact that I have been faithful in this sham marriage only makes me feel more pathetic and bitter. I have thought a lot about separation and divorce. Although it will be very hard on the children, it seems to be to be the only realistic option.
Answer
It sounds to me as though you and your wife entered an unspoken emotional contract when you finally opted for her. You owed her, big-time. Because what you're really telling me is that your wife has been angry and sexually punitive since you got married. And you have taken it as punishment for past bad behaviour. You accepted, and still accept, that you largely deserve what you get.
Yes, I know you've raised the issue of sex with her from time to time. I know, too, that you saw a counsellor together. I also understand that people go a long way to avoid nasty confrontations, particularly when there are children around. However that's not the real drama going on here. You've allowed your wife to remain angry and punitive all these years. And that hasn't done either of you any good. Look at you - young, great children, healthy, reasonably well off, free of the ordinary stresses of debts and long commutes - and at war.
The real story is that you weren't sure you wanted your wife, but she wanted you. And because she wanted you, she allowed you to mess her about. Then you opted for her, honestly and sincerely. She, however, didn't get over the pain and anger of the insecure times. Deep down she may even believe that you only married her because she was pregnant. Whichever, she's been punishing you ever since and not surprisingly, since it was all about sexual love, she's primarily using sex - or rather the withdrawal of sex. A classic revenge.
Even now, you're not thinking in terms of changing that basic contract - namely you as the baddie, her as the one avenging past hurts. You're just considering walking out. Why? Why are you so passive? Why do you feel so guilty? What's stopping you from fighting back? Why do you feel so hopelessly one-down?
Look, your behaviour wasn't wonderful. But when the two of you finally got together, your wife had a duty to put the past behind her. There was no point in marrying you, only to punish you for all eternity. Yes, you took some time making up your mind that she was the one for you. And yes, perhaps she got pregnant before everything was crystal clear between you. Whatever wounds that inflicted on her, however, she should have dealt with them herself. Certainly she could have talked more about how she felt, or even ranted and raved at you until she had it out of her system. But ultimately it was her responsibility to make peace with her fate.
You're going to have to fight this one - for your own sake, for the sake of your children, for your wife's sake. So stop running away. Take your guilt out, look at it, and dump it. And then face down your wife's anger. From the sounds of it, like much anger, it is based on terrible unresolved pain. Couldn't you talk to her about that?
