Question
I am deeply unhappy in my marriage of ten months. My current wife is controlling, very slick and verbally abusive.
Prior to our marriage I was the custodial parent of my three young sons and I had made arrangements for my mother to move in and help me run the household. I was overwhelmed and their grades were falling.
My current wife entered the picture during a period of uncertainty in my life, and appeared to help as the new girlfriend. Within six weeks my mother was gone, and hurt because of it. My sons were not receiving their mail from their mother. Altercations between my ex-wife and girlfriend soon ensued, culminating in a nasty scene in my home during a family celebration. Soon afterwards my sons asked to go back to their mother, which they did.
My current wife is controlling, verbally abusive and manipulative. I know none of her friends and little of her concealed past. I deal with the constant disapproval of my parents, children and ex-wife. She has taken money from my accounts and run up debts on my credit cards. There is even a problem when I send my sons child support!
You may ask why I married her. Again, she appeared to help at first. She had a solid income and great long-term potential. She appeared to care for my sons. She stated that she wanted to be the woman in the house. I didn't want the public perception of me wrongfully cohabiting with her, especially in front of my sons. I thought we would be good for each other.
Now, however, I want out. The problem is that I'm a responsible 41 year old Army Officer and she is now six months pregnant. She hides her income, has gotten rid of assets, and purports that I am her only support. How does a responsible man, respected by his peers, subordinates and superiors alike, leave a pregnant wife!!!
Answer
You could ask yourself another question. How does a responsible respected army officer allow himself to lose custodial care of his sons, stand by while his home becomes so alien that they can't even visit, and then allow himself to be hassled about sending them proper child support?
No, I am not heaping coals on your head. I'm pointing out that concern about what others think is not the best route to morality. In fact, it may have been your downfall. My guess is that your reluctance to create a scene, either in public or in private, has allowed your present wife to take such a level of control.
It's that reluctance, too, which prevents you taking serious steps to limit the damage. In fact your anxiety about losing face - and probably about confrontation in general - is the reason you want to run now. You don't want to deal with your wife. You want to disappear.
Maybe she's the woman from hell. I don't know. I do know that you were a walk-over. So perhaps she's just selfish, a bully even, and instead of dealing with that head-on, you allowed her free reign. Lots of people we find hugely attractive are also self-centred, rather ruthless in their pursuit of what they want, insensitive and uncaring about other people's needs and wants. In fact that may be part of the reason we like them. We're drawn to their strength. That's fine, provided we remember one single fact: Everyone has to fight their own corner. There are no bullies without doormats.
Whether you stay in, or get out, you have a fight on your hands. Like it or not, you're going to have to assert yourself, get down and dirty as you would undoubtedly see it. You now have a wife and a baby about to be born. At the very least that means a divorce, child support and fathering for at least 20 years. Not to mention the fact that two innocent young sons are awaiting your proper attention too, along with an ex-wife who has picked up the pieces, and parents who are supportive.
Set aside social anxiety. You have a much bigger problem than merely worrying what people may think. Start by cancelling the credit cards and any other credit facilities, regardless of what message that might send to some anonymous authorities. Look, I'm not going to give you a litany of what to do. Nor am I saying that your marriage is over. The issue is that you have to get real with your wife. You have to put your foot down, really hard. You have to assert your real priorities. And stop thinking so passively. What do you mean she's hidden her financial assets? Find a professional to track them down, if needs must. Ditch the nice guy routine and get started.
