Question
I just have one question. When do parents stop helping their children? I have a 20 year old son who has been in and out of courses and jobs since he completed his Leaving Cert two years ago.
When he ditched his first college course I just thought he didn't like it, and gave him a second chance. I financed him. But of course he didn't finish that one either. He then came home and started a part-time course locally, but lasted less than two months. He then got a job, I was delighted, but he ditched that after three months. Now he's just started another college course, but I don't think he'll finish it. There is no obvious career at the end of it.
Deep down I know he's not college material. Even for his Leaving Cert, I had a lot of trouble trying to get him to study. But he won't do an apprenticeship. And I really don't feel like paying fees and supporting him at college anymore. I've told him that if he's interested enough, he can do this course as a mature student, financed by himself. I told him, in other words, to get a job. My husband, for his part, thinks our son is just lazy, someone who doesn't want to get up in the morning and do a day's work.
We are both hard workers and have provided a very good and secure life for him. He was also given a lot of chances by friends and family in terms of jobs and job references. And I don't mind what kind of work he does. We are only ordinary workers ourselves. We live in no great luxury.
To-night I told him that he's getting no more money. At the moment he's in a flat, and I said he was more than welcome to move back home. He's on the dole, but that doesn't cover all his expenses. But he's not going to want that, as I won't tolerate him lying around doing nothing. I know he has no drink or drug problem. He's just lazy. And he is breaking my heart. Will he ever grow up? I am not strong enough to say no to him.
His two older brothers are good workers and I supported them through college. I would gladly finance this boy too, if only he would study. I know our relationship has suffered. I try not to lose the head, and my bark is worse than my bite. My husband says our son will come back when he needs us and tells me to just leave him alone.
Answer
The question of supporting children is not about chronological age. It's about attaining goals. And the goals aren't just about getting a job, making money, buying a house. First and foremost, it's about shaping a mature individual. Put bluntly, if your son was 25 and a gambler, you wouldn't give him the down-payment on a house. But if he was 25, passionate about his chosen subject, and wanted a stint with some famous professor in the States, you'd help fund him if you could.
I do know that that's not quite the answer you want. You want to know at what age can we legitimately set our children adrift. Sure, when they are six, we have to provide for them. But when they're 20? And what you really feel you need help with is the huge problem of when and how to say no. You tell me you can't do it. You want me to teach you how. You want me to give you permission, to shift your sense of guilt, to help you harden your heart.
The only answer to all that is to point out that this has to be about your son, not about you. What does he need to do? He has to learn to take responsibility for himself, not as some kind of punishment routine, but in order to make happy. Nobody actually feels good about themselves if they're swinging the lead, living off hard-working parents and constantly being questioned, doubted, told what to do. Your son is failing in his task of living right now. You have to help call a halt to that failure.
There is a huge fault-line in modern Irish education. Everyone thinks that college is good and all other routes to work, career and financial independence are bad. I don't think your son is simply lazy. I think he's fallen foul of this misguided approach to modern living. You need to be very focussed to avoid being influenced by the prevailing norms. And it's clear your son hasn't got that kind of focussed ambition for a particular form of employment. He's drifting.
If you think he's not college material - and from what you say that sounds right - then you have to tell him that. More, you have to refuse to support him making any attempts in that direction - like financing another college course. In other words, you're dead right when you say he should get a job, but at the same time offering him the chance of moving back home to cut costs. You are also right to insist that he pull his weight when he's living at home. Basically, you support what you see as sensible, appropriate and independent behaviour.
Now comes the hard part. If you disapprove of him messing about, trying this course and that, drawing the dole, being blind to the notion of apprenticeship, refusing to hold onto a job - then you refuse to lend support to such behaviour. No finance. It's simple really. He has reached the age of reason. In other words, he is not six years old. He has choices. You are not cutting him off. You are simply acting with good authority by refusing to support a life-style which is making him feel bad about himself, whether he admits it or not. You're refusing to help him dig a deeper and deeper hole for himself.
That said, you have to take care that you're not suffering from a little tunnel-vision yourself. Since we acknowledge that your son is finding it hard to swim against the current social tide of college or nothing, has no burning ambition, which is not his fault, and is, perhaps, more lost than lazy, you could offer him a year off to see the world. I'm not saying you should. I'm just saying that we can be generous to our kids. Good authority is not about being harsh. It's about finding creative ways to help shape our children into mature adults.
