Question
I'm a 33 year old woman. My friends say I'm attractive, I've had admirers over the years, and I have a good career with good future prospects. My intention is not to be vain here.
Eighteen months ago I met someone whom I thought I could be close to. I had been single for a long time following the break- up of a serious relationship which left me broken-hearted. Things were great for the first few months, but I felt I wasn't getting what I deserved. When things came to a head, he told me that he didn't want a relationship with me. I took what he said on board, tried to remove all contact with him, but found this very difficult to do. Either he or I would phone, we'd get together for a night out, sleep together, and then I would get angry with myself. Months would pass, and the same thing would happen again. All this would involve drink of course.
This is now driving me insane because I can't pluck up the courage to ask him how he really feels about me, and whether it's just sex for him. When we're together I feel he does have feelings for me. But I'm not naïve. I know a man takes what he can and then leaves you, if you let him.
I recently met someone else. But because I still have this other man on my mind, who is and isn't my ex, I don't feel I can give this new man a chance. I am tormented with thoughts of my ex, and I don't know what to do anymore. I've never asked him out straight why he doesn't want a relationship with me, and perhaps that's where my problem lies. Or maybe that's just part of some silly fantasy world I've got lost in.
Answer
Yes, you have got lost in a fantasy, although it is far from silly. This man you meet for booze and sex is really not relevant. He's just the instrument of torture, if you like, which you have chosen. You're putting yourself through that torture because you're still dealing with rejection. Your broken heart hasn't been fixed.
Think about it. Once you put your foot down about how you were being treated by this man, he said he didn't want a relationship with you. And you do know that there's no point asking someone why. We want to commit to some and don't want to commit to others. Your question isn't really addressed to him anyway.
What you're really trying to deal with is why your past boyfriend ended it. And the situation there is the same. There is no point in beating yourself up. Sometimes someone just doesn't love us enough to make it last. Certainly there may be important lessons to learn - like how we're too needy, or too impressed by someone's image, or a bit blind to selfish, self-absorbed men. Fair enough. Mostly, however, we have to recognise that it was one man's judgment, or feelings, or lack of feelings.
Getting drunk and having sex with someone who doesn't want to even be around you is self-abuse. Stop it. See a therapist instead about your feelings of low self-worth. And let me repeat it again. None of this is actually about your occasional boozy bed-mate. He's irrelevant.
