Question
I'm a 31 year old male and am in a horrible situation. About a year ago I became very attracted to a girl I work with. She is very flirtatious by nature and we really hit it off. I thought she liked me, although she never gave me any indication that she wanted to be more than friends. I didn't have the courage to ask her out. But we did meet a couple of times outside work.
I started to think about her all the time, wondering where she was and who she was with. She had a boyfriend at the time, but they were having a tough time together and she would confide in me and ask my advice. Needless to say I was tremendously jealous of this guy but bit my tongue and was there when she needed me.
She broke up with her boyfriend and asked if I'd like to go on an extended holiday she was taking. I thought this was my big chance and that she did, in fact, feel something for me. After a while, though, we didn't get on so well, I found her quite annoying company, and she gave no indication that she wanted to be more than friends. So we parted ways and I came home early. When we later met up, I finally decided that she had to know how I felt, so I told her, over the phone. She didn't say anything, just said she had to go and we would talk later.
I decided she wasn't interested, and that it would be best if we didn't see each other. But that is easier said than done. When someone is in your thoughts so much it is very hard to stop caring about them. I have found out that she is dating someone new. She wants to be friends even now, and keeps asking to meet up. But I just can't face her. The thought of seeing her with someone else depresses me so much. I just want her out of my mind totally, but she is always in my thoughts. I also feel I'm being very unfair on her as she is not really to blame for any of this. I don't know how to move on.
Answer
You can't be friends with someone you fancy. It just doesn't work. To begin with, it's too painful. You want love sex and togetherness. Instead you get confidences about love sex and togetherness she's having with someone else. How masochistic is that.
It's dishonest too. There is no way you can wish her well and give her sound, independent advice, based on what is best for her. The real truth, as you've pointed out, is that you hang in there, hoping she'll break up with the other guy. Your sympathy is fake. So is your friendship.
I'm not just talking about you. I'm saying this is the way it is. Human beings are just that, human. And no, you were not being nasty. You were just misguided, fooled by this whole modern friendship thing. So is your friend. Look at what she's doing. You told her you fancied her. She's going out with someone new. But she's badgering you for contact. No, she's not a bad person either. She's missing the point.
The only way to get over someone is to get them out of your hair. Oh and just to clear something up. You found your friend annoying while on holidays with her because your hopes of togetherness were frustrated. Actually you were angry. It just came out as extreme annoyance.
Yes, you're right. The fact that you fancy your friend is not her fault. But it is her responsibility to stop being so blind and leave you in peace. Since she's not doing that, you have to do it. Tell her to delete your number from her mobile. And go looking for someone else to fill your life.
