Question
Like many people, I've waited until the situation got to the hopeless stage before doing anything about it.
I have two daughters, 19 and 22 years old. It has always been a struggle for us to get on with our 22 year old. I haven't made it any easier over the years by really being a terrible mother to her. I just couldn't seem to relax around her and she has always pushed things too far. She was a rebellious teenager and we had a dreadful relationship, although she did get on better with my husband, who has more patience. For a couple of years she went to live with my husband's mother and finished school while staying with her.
She pursued her very serious interest in drama for a year, during which we financed her living in another city, and then went back to college. She is bright and had good Leaving Cert results. We did, however, decide that we couldn't afford rented accommodation for her during college, so after much discussion she moved back in with us. My younger daughter wasn't convinced that this arrangement would work and they haven't got much of a relationship. I, however, was so happy to have her home and had no idea that it would turn out as difficult as it is.
We had two blissful summers while she pursued her drama interest abroad. Now, however, she's back at home and very unhappy about having two more years to do in college and wants to go abroad again as soon as she graduates. So what happens now is that she uses the house as an hotel, having very little to do with us other than constantly asking for money. She is always on the go and is very stressed, but uses that as an excuse to verbally abuse everyone in the house. She also uses her stress to justify being let off any household chores. Yet she is successful in everything she does and has a serious pile of trophies already. Her friends are all loyal to her and regard us as evil monsters, but still call to the house for nights in with her. I do have a comfortable relationship with one of them, who thinks my daughter is highly strung.
If we don't give in to a request for money, a lift in the car, or whatever, she explodes into a rage and roars at us. This week she told me she's hated me all her life. We have asked her to leave, but she argues that she wants her degree and can't afford to pay rent. At this stage my husband believes we should just pay the rent.
Anyway, it's not just about the money. I think we'll never have a relationship if we don't have some way of talking about what is going on. She is seeing a counsellor at college because she does know that she runs around busy so that she doesn't have to deal with how she feels. She says the counselling helps, but I don't see any improvement. I try to ignore the mess she leaves the place in and the fact that she never repays a loan, but I'm watching my younger daughter losing her voice in the house because of a bullying sister, and still picking up after her sister for the sake of peace.
We decided to talk to her when she got back after the summer, but before we had a chance it was back to business as usual. That means three adults creeping around the house in order not to wake her because she says she has problems sleeping. But she doesn't show any consideration in return. If her sister gets a lie-in while she's heading out, she slams doors etc. and it seems quite deliberate. This morning she said she needed a lift and when I refused she went ballistic. I'm sure the whole road heard her swearing at me.
When she left home in her late teens, I found it very hard to cope. I went to a counsellor and it helped me realise how my own difficult childhood has affected my relationship with her. The feeling that I failed her never leaves me, but I have apologised to her for the way I handled things. My husband and I are now at breaking point.
Answer
I doubt if you were a terrible mother to your daughter. In my experience, the women who say they were bad mothers usually aren't the worst, but are simply full of guilt for failing at many of the mothering fences. Anyway, that doesn't matter right now. Guilty as charged, or just full of remorse, the point is you can't fix the past - at least not the way you're going right now.
The most significant statement of your failure was the fact that your daughter had to be shifted to another home. That burns in your memory. Small wonder, then, that you jumped at the opportunity to have her back. Don't you see the symmetry? It's entirely understandable. But it was not a good idea. And it seems everyone is now paying the price.
It's not good for your daughter to be allowed to bully you all. That's a very bad emotional place for her to be. Nor is it good for her to think she was hard done by as a child - which is presumably part of the reason why she feels she can carry on the way she does. Living with you all isn't healing anything. She's back home, the odd man out, wrong in everything she does, dishing out dirt in a way that leaves her without dignity. And why is all this happening? Because you wrongly think this is the only way to rescue earlier times that went wrong.
Every good person carries a measure of guilt for what they got wrong in life. It's called conscience. It helps no-one, however, if you lose yourself in your guilt, which I feel is what has happened to you. That's why you need to step back and be wise, rather than remaining consumed by remorse.
So let's tell your story a little more accurately. You had a daughter you found difficult. She wasn't a bundle of laughs for your husband either. You made a generous and loving decision to admit the truth, and fixed her up with her granny, where she clearly thrived. She's bright, did well at school, has a passion she's prepared to pursue, is successful in her chosen field, sensible enough to also get academic qualifications. She has loyal friends, has the capacity to be charming, is sociable, energetic, and far from afraid of confrontation. She knows you love her.
How bad is all that? Who, exactly, are you really trying to heal? And don't you see, that there are different ways of failing as a mother? Given the circumstances, you did the right thing for your daughter. How can that be an unmitigated failure?
Distance isn't going to damage your relationship with your daughter. Making a doormat out of yourself, your husband and your younger daughter will. Stop it. Tell your daughter you love her, but now see that you made a mistake tying her down. Explain that you were trying to undo the past and that it wasn't a wise move. Happily and generously and confidently organise the necessary finance for her to have a flat. See in your heart that she's a great girl, you did a fine job, and everything is far from lost. Forgive yourself for your failure. Move out of the victim and bully mode of relating. Set your daughter free, in short, and start slowly building a different kind of togetherness, based on joy at her success, and suitable emotional distance.
