Question
I got married three years ago. My husband was my first boyfriend, we met while in college ten years ago, and we were in love. After we graduated we worked hard at our careers, built a life together, made savvy financial decisions, secured our future. We learned to overcome challenges, fights, threats of break-up, and got married. We were happy we did that, although I felt it was more like a paper formality, since we were already living together. It all sounds so perfect doesn't it?
Since we got married, however, I've felt a kind of regret at losing my single status. Perhaps it's the responsibility of being married. I'm certainly not ready to move onto the next step of settling down and having children. I can't see myself as a mother. I love to work, want to achieve, and over the years have increasingly become career-minded. So much so that I neglect my husband as I find him incredibly boring. I feel I'm too self-centred to give up my freedom.
I've told my husband that I'm bored with married life and I don't know how long I can sustain being in this state of depressed confusion. He is a man of integrity, trustworthy, down-to-earth and driven to succeed, and he loves me. I've asked him for time to think this through. I think part of the problem is that we don't have enough in common. And we seem to be growing apart as we get older. I feel my husband deserves someone who can meet his needs. I'm only wasting his time. I do try to spend more time with him, but I feel myself losing interest. It's like I'd rather be somewhere else and this pains him.
I have such a strong urge to end this marriage to a man whom I initially thought was my soul-mate. I am painfully aware that getting out of the marriage will be the hardest thing to do. I care for my husband deeply, but no longer feel the strong interest and love I used to feel for him. All of this leaves me in a state of confusion and melancholy.
Answer
There are some situations which we just have to ride out. And I think yours is one of them. We're so focussed on finding solutions that we sometimes miss the point: Answers often manifest themselves.
You're not really just married three years. You've been together for ten. And all those years were a time of chasing goals, reaching life's landmarks, progress, looking forward. There wasn't any time for boredom, since nothing was settled. Yet boredom is an integral part of life, an integral part of any relationship, an issue we all have to surmount. In itself, it is nothing to be frightened of. And it certainly doesn't mean that a relationship is worthless. It's just a different kind of challenge.
On the other hand, we often don't look closely at who we have become when we're busy. And until now you've been very busy. It is entirely possible that the young couple who set out together ten years ago have changed. In fact, of course they have. The question is, have you changed to the point that you no longer fit together? That happens. Certainly the wish to have children is a pretty fundamental issue, bringing great grief if a couple don't share the same dream. Yet I don't hear you saying that your husband is pushing it. So perhaps you're just anticipating a problem which isn't actually there.
You are certainly restless. You are certainly taking stock. All I can say to you is that you shouldn't panic. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to solve this. Just try to stay kind and good and loving and very much in touch with your feelings. And wait and see what happens.
