29th March, 2009
Question
I'm 17 and come from a very good family. Nothing traumatic has ever occurred in my life. Yet I can feel very down and extremely alone. I hate feeling like this because I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it.
I have felt this way for some time. If I'm honest, I have very low self-esteem. I hate my body, even though I am neither overweight nor ugly. I feel everyone around me is living their life, and I just play a minor role in their lives, with no real life of my own.
I have a good social life and lots of people around me, yet I don't have somebody I can trust as I have been hurt by friends in the past. I've also never had a relationship with anybody, of any sort, and this has left me questioning my sexuality. As a result, I spend the majority of my time day-dreaming and in turn have been doing really terrible in my final year of school.
I know I sound pathetic, though I am scared because I don't know why I feel like this. I have tried very hard to snap out of this trance, but I can't. I literally feel numb inside.
Answer
Part of the challenge of being 17 is that nothing seems fixed, or certain. Things happen, but you don't recognise them, can't figure them out with any real accuracy. It's a voyage of discovery, and often very scary. That's why it's so important to talk. And that's why the first thing I have to say to you is find someone to confide in. Yes, I know your trust was betrayed by friends in the past and yes, I understand that friends seem the logical ones to turn to, but that's not always the case. Sometimes in life - and not just at 17 - we need a guiding hand, rather than shared experiences.
I accept that nothing traumatic has ever happened to you. But sometimes a steady drip can do more damage, not least because it's so hard to detect. If you have low self-esteem and hate your body, then you have suffered real emotional damage, however it came about. And being locked away in silence only makes it worse.
Numbness, like day-dreaming, is about self-protection. You feel helpless to change things, so you take flight from the world. It's certainly not a nice state of affairs. But don't be afraid. Your mind and heart are creatively finding a way to protect you. It's not a long-term solution, of course, but just your self-protective fighting spirit doing its best, and nothing to fear.
You do not sound pathetic. You sound human, and like all of us, simply in need of a helping hand. I promise you, your distress at the moment is primarily caused by isolation. Break that isolation, and things will seem brighter. Nor should you beat yourself up for how you feel. If you had pain in a sprained wrist you wouldn't give out to yourself would you? Why, then, would you do yourself down because you have a sprained spirit? You're emotionally hurt. That's OK.
Feeling anxious about your sexual orientation is understandable. You're starved of close human contact. Of course you wonder. Your sexual orientation, however, is not the issue here. It's your loneliness. In the absence of another point of view, without people who clearly express their affection and appreciation, you're left with that damage to your self-esteem, that negative attitude to yourself, that sense of helplessness.
Break out of the isolation. Talk to somebody. Start simply. Ring the Samaritans. Or open a conversation with your parents, tell them you feel lost, ask if you could go to see someone. Whatever it takes, make contact.
